"And the tears come streaming down your face, when you lose something you can't replace, when you love someone but it goes to waste, could it be worse?" - Fix You by Coldplay
Tears in the rain
Chapter 6 - Faking It
"Matt!"
I was running. I don't know where I was going, I just know I was running. I was running fast – so fast and my heart was beating a thousand miles a minute, "where are you Matty!". The background came into focus and I was in the desert, surrounded by men in uniforms.
They were soldiers.
I looked around while running faster and faster. I saw a door in the distance and was suddenly moved to it. I had no control over my legs, but I noticed I could move my arms when I instinctively reached for the doorknob. I turned the gold coloured metal carefully, dreading what was inside. I felt a pair of big hands on my back, shoving me harshly through the door. I fell forward landing on a carpeted surface with a window right in front of me. It was my room. I looked at the carpet for a while, my eyes were blurry. Why were my eyes blurry? I blinked my eyes and saw crimson liquid soaking into and mixing with the plush carpet. I knotted my eyebrows together in confusion and looked up at the mirror that was directly in front of me. I saw him. My father, panting roughly standing over me.
I remember this night. It was the night Matt found out about what he'd been doing to us.
"dad please stop!" I tried to scream hoarsely as I felt pain in my stomach. Its like I had no control over my words - they had control over me. I saw him smirk and chuckle menacingly.
"and what are you going to do if I don't stop?" he drunkenly slurred, stepping towards me further. I coughed and got up on my hands and knees. As soon as I lifted my right leg I felt excruciating pain, but ignored it. I gripped the side of my bed, slowly pulling myself up. I wavered a little in pain, trying to get my footing. My father just chuckled and came closer to me, grabbing my arm roughly, "you would think by now you would know to play dead, but oh," he chuckled again, "oh no. Little Alex always has to be a fighter." I spit a little blood out of my mouth and glared at him.
"I'm not just going to lay down and d-die." I stuttered with pain as I backed up towards my wall, "I'm not a coward like you." I said with a glare. He kept walking towards me. He laughed with venom, lifting his hand and slapping me harshly across the face. I felt the pain immediately surge through my jaw and eyes. I stumbled back a bit, letting a tear fall from my eye.
"Why are you doing this to me?" I asked in a painful whisper. I looked up into his eyes as I saw them turn darker. He smiled a villainous smile before coming close to my face and grabbing my chin with his hand roughly.
"what else would I use you for? You worthless piece of trash." he said with a dry laugh. He violently let go of my face as it swung to the right, looking at the wall. He started walking away but stopped at the door. He turned around and looked me up and down, shaking his head and scoffing, "Whore." he spat with venom. He slammed my door shut as I sunk to the floor, ridden with pain. Now that I was alone the tears started flowing uncontrollably down my face. I felt myself sobbing and my chest contracting. I told myself to stop, to be strong, but it didn't work. I didn't have control. I heard footsteps from the hall and immediately stopped crying, trying to stand up but failing due to the rush of pain that was currently flowing to my legs and head. I sat up against the wall, hugging my knees to my chest. I saw the doorknob turning and put my head behind my knees, bracing for impact. The door opened and he hurriedly stepped inside, closing the door behind him.
"oh my god, Al."
I looked up to see none other then my brother, my best friend, and the only real father figure I had ever had, "M-matt. I-I'm sorr-this isn't what it looks-" I tried to get my words out before I started crying again, "just please don't tell anyone, ok?" I stumbled on my words, trying to stand up as he rushed over to me, cupping my face in both of his hands and wiping away some blood from my cheek. I saw his eyes glistening with unshed tears and started crying harder. I had never seen him cry. I had never even seen him tear up at all. He was strong. He was a soldier.
I saw a small tear fall before he pulled me into a soft hug. I hugged him back as tightly as I could without inflicting too much pain. I heard him blow out a rough sob, "I'm sorry.. I'm so sorry.." I could feel liquid land on my shoulder, making my shirt damp. I closed my eyes as I sobbed until he pulled away and held my face. My eyes were still closed as i put my head down, trying to hide my pain. I opened them and it seemed as if the room got darker. I knitted my eyebrows together and looked up at my brother, "its okay Allie..." he said before looking down at his chest. I followed his gaze only to see that same crimson colour seeping through his white beater. I looked up at him, my heart starting to race again. He just smiled and blinked slowly. I started panicking and reaching out to his chest, trying to stop it – and I had no idea how touching it would stop it. I just had to stop it. Stop the blood, the pain. All the things i was going through. I had to stop it.
"no. no, no, no!" I screamed pushing harder against Matt's chest before looking up at him. I was breathing harder now, it seemed as if the fear knocked the wind out of me. I could see the light fading out of his eyes. He smiled again and grabbed my blood stained hands from his chest gently.
"everything will be ok.." he closed his eyes and started falling towards me. "Alex. Alex."
"Alex!"
"Matt!" I screamed, shooting up out of bed, panting while tears rolled down my face. Nate was hovered beside me looking worried and scared. He took my face in his hands, wiping the tears away with the pads of his thumbs delicately. I sucked in a breath roughly before letting it out slowly, trying to re-gain my heartbeat. I looked back at Nate. He was sitting right in front of me now, holding my face in his hands. He looked as if he were going to cry as he pushed my tussled hair gently out of my face.
"babe.." he cooed before pulling me into a gentle hug. I hid my face in the nook of his neck, closing my eyes tightly as I continued to gasp for air. I hug him tightly, digging my nails into his back, trying to bring his body closer to mine – if that was possible, "shh.. its going to be ok, alright?" he reassured, his hot breath hitting my ear. I choked out a sigh and closed my eyes tighter, still resting in the nook of his neck. I breathed in slowly, drinking in his scent. He smelt so comforting to me, "its ok.. I love you, its ok." he cooed to me before kissing me gently on the temple. I sucked in a slow breath and sighed before pulling away slowly, sliding my hands from his back down to his waist. I looked in his eyes before he kissed my tear stained cheek, leaning his forehead against my own.
"I'm sorry for waking you up..." I said, turning my head to look at where he was sleeping and back. I heard him sigh and felt a gentle hand cupping my cheek again.
"same dream?" he asked rubbing my cheek with the pad of his thumb and looking me in the eyes. I didn't reply, but simply nodded. He sighed again and got on his feet, walking over to the dresser and putting jeans on over his briefs. I looked down at my hands, intertwining them.
"where are you going?" I asked curiously, trying to get that terrifying dream out of my mind. He sprayed on some cologne before raking his fingers through his hair lightly, looking in the mirror that was attached to the dresser.
"I have to go get my brain picked at, remember?" Nate said rolling his eyes, grabbing a stick of deodorant and rolling it on. He looked over at me and smiled sweetly, " You know, you look pretty good for not being a morning person." He said before coming over to me and running a soft hand through my hair., leading it down to cup my cheek.
"I know I look horrible, shut up." I said looking into his eyes, narrowing mine sarcastically. He scrunched up his face sarcastically before kissing me lightly. He chuckled and then stood up again, going back to his dresser to find a shirt.
"well," he sighed, "at least you don't have morning breath." he giggled, looking back at me. I just rolled my eyes, threw the covers off of myself and walked over to the bathroom.
"whatever, lil Monkey." I said quickly before closing the door and locking it. I laughed, hearing him groan through the door. I blew out a breath I didn't realize I was holding it and walked to the sink to brush my teeth. I looked up in the mirror a groaned, "ew.." I said before combing my messy hair and brushing my teeth. I started to wash my face, splashing water onto myself when I hear a knock on the door. I groaned and dried off my face before walking over to the door and opening it a crack, "And what exactly would you like?" he smiled charmingly and pushed the door open gently before closing it behind him. He grabbed my waist and pushed me back a bit as I put my hands around his neck and intertwined my fingers.
"well what I would like, is to get this damn appointment over with." he said leaning his forehead against mine, still walking me backwards. I rolled my eyes, about to lecture him on the importance of mental health before he cut me off, "but what I want," he said quietly, looking straight into my eyes as I hit the wall behind me, pushing himself so that our bodies were crashed together, "is you." he said before leaning his forehead against mine. I smiled with my eyes closed as he kissed me. I could feel him smiling through the kiss also. He started kissing down my jaw line, and as he got more and more heated, he moved down to my neck, "oh, no no no. your not giving me another hickie." I said as he started sucking harder and harder. Nate groaned and reluctantly, pulled away and went back to my lips, kissing me long and soft before pulling away completely. He looked at me and put his hand through my hair, leading it down to cup my cheek before rubbing smooth circles in it with his thumb.
"you just always have to ruin my fun, don't you?" he sighed jokingly. I smiled and kissed him once more before slipping out and walking towards the bedroom once again.
"yes, and right now we have to go to your shrink."
"Why hello Nathaniel, thank you for coming." said Dr. Buckley - the Psychiatrist - while sitting down in her chair. She put on a pair of black horn-rimmed glasses and got out a notebook while Nate and I sat down on a long black leather couch, "So Alex, how has he been doing?" she asked in a scary calm voice. I looked at Nate, he was looking down at his hands. He looked pissed.
"He's doing really, really good. He's helped me a lot with.." I sighed quietly, trying to make the lump that just appeared in my throat disappear. I felt a hand on mine and opened my eyes while Nate interlocked our fingers and gave an encouraging squeeze. I looked back up, "he's helped me a lot with stuff that been going on. He's been doing amazing." I looked at him and smiled, he looked back and squeezed my hand, almost telling me its ok. Dr. Buckley said a quick "mhm" and scribbled in her notebook. The room went silent for a few seconds, awkwardness in the air. I looked down at our hands for a second before looking back up to see Dr. Buckley looking at me with a smile. It was oddly creepy.
"so, what was this thing you were going through, Alex?" she asked with a supposedly concerned smile. My head shot up to meet her eyes, while I narrowed mine. She turned her head to the side slightly, "I've heard it all Alex, you can't surprise me. What is it?" I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, willing the anger that I was feeling to get under control.
"this is Nates time. If I wanted to talk about my problems, I would hire you myself." I spat with venom, looking at her like she had just asked me about my most privet possession. She narrowed her eyes and scribbled in her book some more.
"Well, Alex, as you know.. you are the biggest part of your boyfriend's recovery. And if you want him to recover, then I think you should share with us the reason-"
"Share with us?" I spat at her, getting even angrier, "my boyfriend knows, he has helped me, you do not have to know everything in my life."
"Actually, I do need to know everything in your life, because like I said it helps in Nate's recovery. Do you really want to be responsible for leading him down the wrong road? I mean god knows it was mostly your side the first time-"
"She said she doesn't want to fucking talk about it alright!" I heard Nate yell viciously as he stood up and started walking towards Dr. Buckley's desk. Dr. Buckley stood up herself, holding her pen in her hand and putting on her best 'mad' face, although it looked calmer then usual, "she doesn't want to talk about it and you can't make her talk about it-"
"Nathaniel it plays a key role in your recovery! Your anger is going to send you off of the rails-"
"my anger is caused by you trying to get my girlfriend to open up about her life while were trying to fix mine-"
"I'm not sure if you are aware young man, but this office is for the soul purpose of opening up about your lives, and if your girlfriend over there doesn't want to talk about it, then she can get the hell out of my office-"
"this is my session, I'm the one that tried to fucking kill myself, so leave her the fuck alone! Stay out of her head! She said she doesn't want to talk about it so stop being a petty bitch and stop pushing!" I had never seen Nate this angry before, swearing at someone in power. I stood up and walked over to him, by now he was right in front of her desk. I put a soft hand on his shoulder, trying to get him to stop but he shrugged it off.
"hey, stop its ok." I tried to tell him, but he wouldn't break the vicious starring contest between Dr. Buckley and himself, "Nate, come on.."
"were cancelling all of our future appointments. Have fun losing your money, bitch." he spat before grabbing my hand and walking out of the room slowly, holding the door for me on the way out.
Hey guys! So that was the first comeback chapter lol. I hope you liked it =] its kind of a fill chapters, but it'll get better don't worry.
So obviously Alex hasn't dealt with Matt's death yet.. Undealt things of that sort usually lead to somewhere dark, so it'll be interesting to see her character go down the road of mourning.
Please R&R!
Ok so what do you think about her re-occurring dream? Do you think Nate is really ok again, or he's just trying to be for Alex? How do you think Alex not dealing with her brothers death is going to effect her? And what would you like to see happen in the next chapter?
Thanks again guys! :D we'll get this story rolling this summer, it'll be awesome
Carleyy
