Title: Always sometimes, Never
Pairings: SasukexSakura, SakuraxItachi
Disclaimer: I don't own.
Warnings: Language
Date: 7/1/2010; 12:46 am.
Soundtrack: "Savior"; Rise Against
"But at times I wondered if I had not come a long way to find that what I really sought was something I left behind."
–Thomas West
What he had done, the man knew, was unpardonable. Defecting from one's village might have been able to be forgiven, granted the extraordinary circumstances. Attacking it, turning it to rubble-and killing it's citizens would have set the dogs to snapping at his heels.
Or perhaps the better description would have been the fox, chasing a trail that even the hounds couldn't find. Sasuke Uchiha had been running for a very, very long time. He had gotten used to hiding his trail, secreting away into the mist without a trace left behind.
But for some reason, this time had been different. With every twist, turn and disappearing act that the Uchiha employed, Uzamaki Naruto had only drawn closer. The sun-beaten grounds of the Land of Fire should not have betrayed his footsteps as the baking August sun and the arid breeze blew from the west, the taste of sand and desert erasing any other scent to be found, scouring away the footprints.
It had been, Sasuke concluded, an inauspicious birthday. An ill fated whim had driven him to seek the omusubi with okaka* from his childhood. Nineteen. Nearly two decades of living, and nearly six of this life he had chosen-and this had been the first time the man (he had ceased being a boy long experiences ago-in a life measured by moments, not months, the ninja had left childhood well before the massacre of his clan aged him irreversibly.) had made a mistake of such magnitude.
Perhaps the crippling nostalgia had driven the boy to the familiar roads and the stalwart gates of the land of Fire's hidden village. There was a sense of rightness about walking that road, the one path that led in and out of the hub. He could remember those puddles, so out of place, that the Mist nin had emerged from all those years ago-the first bloodshed that Naruto endured, and the designation of protectorate to Sakura.
Then, there had been Kakashi-protecting them all.
Such brash, reckless days, those moments that memory dredged up from the murky depths of shadow. They were not unpleasant memories, Sasuke reflected in passing-but the act of remembering was simply too painful to endure doing so willingly. What other crippling things would emerge?
He had done so many things. Good, and bad. Seven years ago, he had stood over the grave of a beautiful boy who he hadn't been able to defeat. And yet, defeated in his own way, Haku had maintained his honor even in being a missing nin.
It was something that Sasuke had never learned how to do. Honor, integrity-it was sold for the wretched, cheap price of power.
Unsurprising, then, that regret had overtaken him on the wings of anniversaries passing left and right. More than a decade had passed since that night that he had believed Itachi to be the killer of his family-when, in truth, it had been their own pride that slew them.
Nineteen years, Uchiha Sasuke had survived and he had regrets.
More significant at the moment, though, was the pressing matter of his own freedom. Konoha might have pardoned Uchiha Itachi in death as the truth came out, but whatever forgiveness that might have existed there for Sasuke had taken repetitive blows. Training with Orochimaru was the first step he had taken wrong (although one might argue he had rectified the situation in slaying the Snake. A noted lack of foresight had resulted in him leaving the man's medic alive, however.) and then it had been followed by the murder of Uchiha Itachi, unpardonable in it's entirety.
Even if Itachi had murdered the Uchiha (and for a genius as Sasuke was reputed to be, how had he not sensed that something was off about it? His emotion blinded him to the truth, a troubling characteristic.) they were still brothers-and vigilantism could not be condoned.
The Shinobi world was a fragile one, balancing precariously on tradition and expectation. To so ruthlessly pursue something that could not be condoned was difficult to forgive.
Strikes piled up swiftly against Sasuke. The joining of the Akatsuki, believing Madara, the pillaging of Leaf, the near-killing of his former team.
There was no place for Uchiha Sasuke in Konoha.
That explained, then, why the dark haired boy was so perplexed by the determined pursuit of Uzamaki Naruto. Golden in appearance, personality and actions, revenge for the sake of revenge was not something that suited the next Hokage. And yet, he couldn't be so stupid as to still be on the hell bent path to drag Sasuke back to Konoha.
..could he?
The answer, of course, came from the bellowing cry of indignation when Naruto spotted Sasuke, disappearing into a thicket of trees. It was distressing how easily the darker of the two could slip so silently into shadow.
He had become shadow, losing anything that could keep him pinned into reality.
"How could you? He was one of ours!"
Answers.
It nearly hurt to realize that Naruto did not want to drag him back by the ear to Konoha. After all, for years it had meant that there was still some place left to go. If even Naruto had forsaken him, who other could still have hope?
Hope, green wrapped in pink-incinerated.
Losing the Uzamaki was hard-harder than Sasuke had ever anticipated. For years, it had been Naruto trying to catch up to him. Even under the training of Jiraiya, he had not been able to catch up to the Uchiha. And yet, more than six years later, Uchiha Sasuke had to swallow yet another bitter pill of reality.
As he had left Konoha to become strong, sought advancement through perpetual training and detachment from his own humanity, the boy whose life had been dedicated to retrieving him was as strong as he. Naruto, who had found courage in the convictions of others, had not needed to isolate himself to find his strength. His stalwartness was drawn directly from his relations with others.
Uzamaki Naruto was not strong in spite of his relationships-but because of them.
It was gratifying to the Uchiha when he finally managed to give his always-rival-sometimes-friend he slip. There were too many questions that the blonde had raised in his actions. Perhaps that was another of the longstanding issues between the two boys that were reflections of each other-one, as the other might have been. Uzamaki Naruto simply was not restful to be around. One found no answers-only more questions to which answers were increasingly more difficult to find.
In the middle of such a reverie, Sasuke was jolted, once again, to the unpleasantness of reality.
Rather, one might tactfully say that reality was beaten into him in short order. Those less interested in being inoffensive might snigger in glee at the way a gloved fist met the Uchiha's jaw relentlessly.
Hope gone up in flames. Even if Naruto could not forgive him, Sakura certainly could.
Or at least, he thought.
Yet in an instant, Sasuke was forced to face another unpleasant revelation. As much as Sakura had known of him in his early years-and did, even now-he knew nothing of her. Her hopes and her dreams, her capabilities and talents were mysteries to him.
There were scars on her figure that hadn't been there before-ones that told of wounds inflicted to the very soul.
The two Shinobi stood on opposing sides of a small clearing-blazing crimson eyes met unforgiving malachite. They had never stood on the same side of things, the boy realized with crippling clarity.
She had saved him time and time again, had sacrificed for him, bled with him and wept over him-yet he did not even know the scars she bore.
Anguish crept deep into the unrelenting stare Sakura fixed him with. There would be no escaping the girl, unless she should choose to let him go.
But that…that was wrong.
She was no girl, whimpering and cowering at his feet. Even then, when she had brazenly tried to fight him, to kill him, Sakura had not been a girl. There was a woman's heart beating in her chest-and it was the female prerogative to endure in silence that which no man could ever hope to shoulder.
"I cannot kill you," Sakura breathed lowly, her stare unwavering as she brazenly gazed into the very stare that could recreate the world she lived in-into an illusion kinder than reality was, at the moment.
Torture seemed a far more gracious alternative to the emotional bedlam that roiled just beneath the surface. This man-this boy, this ungrateful fool had thrown away everything that anyone had ever wanted and he didn't even realize it.
"But I am not half the fool you are. You are dead to me, Uchiha Sasuke. You have tried to kill the only brother I had ever known-you have stolen the ones I love from me. I cannot kill you, but that does not mean I must forgive you your transgressions."
Years-years, and years, and blood and sweat and too many tears to possibly count had all led to this moment. The only thing that had driven them all was the knowledge that they could change things, change themselves even as they hoped to change him.
Even as her pulse fluttered rapidly in her neck, staring down with exceptional bravery-or incredible stupidity-the boy that had shaped them into the individuals they were, Sakura found that she could not even weep.
"Perhaps it would have been better if I had let you die."
And in a whirlwind of petals so unexpected that it took long seconds after they stilled on the ground for the Uchiha to realize, she disappeared.
She had found him, followed him, tracked him even when Naruto could not-she had anticipated his path, studied his moves and found his destination before he even knew what it had been.
How had she known?
What had Sakura seen that had allowed for such intimate knowledge of his mind, his purpose and his heart? Disgruntled, Sasuke admitted even to himself that he was disturbed by it.
And yet it was with a nearly wistful sense that the man brushed the cheekbone, using his own (copied) medical ninjutsu to heal the shattered cheek.
There too, was a most perplexing feeling of loss-the sense of finality, that something he had never known but always been there, was gone permanently beyond his reach.
Most disturbing though, was the dawning realization that it was all he had ever wanted in the first place.
A/N: Well, that was unexpected. Sasuke is an interesting character-albeit, not my favorite. I think this chapter embraces the sense that he finally acknowledges his multitude of mistakes. Reflecting back on them, Sasuke-the-man realizes that the stupid things that sasuke-the-boy did led him to where he is now. He gave up on these people long ago-and only now is he willing to maybe consider giving them a chance. However, it's too late for Sasuke because Naruto has finally given up on him and Sakura, while still impossibly in love with him (as evidenced by her inability to kill him) is not willing to endure the sort of torment that seems particular to the Uchiha associates.
This chapter really shows where I intend to write Sasuke, as a character. He realizes his mistakes, the only one to blame for where he is in life is himself. More interestingly though, is the knowledge that Sasuke is forced to realize that physical strength is not strength because while he and Naruto are matched, it is Sakura who was able to lay in wait for him and find him when even Naruto could not keep up. He isn't entirely pleased by the revelation, you'll note. It really ties into the quote above because Sasuke is slowly realizing that everything he ever wanted he had offered to him years ago. It's the very things that he had thrown away when he left.
You'll find that the song noted above (Savior by Rise Against) is really the inspiration for this chapter. The lyrics "And it kills me not to know this, but I've all but just forgotten what the color of her eyes were or her scars and how she got them" drove this along with the quote on top. Sasuke might learn much, but he knows little-and realizing that is making him realize a number of other, extremely uncomfortable things.
Forgive me if this chapter is convoluted or confusing-drop me a note in a review if there's a part that doesn't match up or make sense, or you just don't understand. Tell me where it is and I'll probably edit it for clarity-this was really a bit of a labor, written in a start/stop sort of way that made it nearly impossible for me to keep track of where I was and what I was saying. On the bright side, I have the next two chapters thought out! Sakura's point of view on this entire scene is going to be shown in a portion titled "Revelation", using the quote "Can I please have one more dance with you? Goodbye all I've loved, and held, and knew" and the preview of "Everything had been for no reason-her hope, her effort, her love. The men she knew were strangers-she was where she wanted to be, but it was as if someone had shut off the lights. The world around her was suddenly and inexplicably sinister, unkind-drawn in dangerous angles that would cut through to her very soul if she gave them the chance" and Kakashi and Sakura will have a moment in a chapter after, tentatively titled "Solitude", with the quote "There is nothing to regret – either for those who go or for those who are left behind" and the previewed statement of "Neither needed to say anything-for the words between them had been lost long ago".
**Note that I infer here, chapter one's situation with Izumo dying comes from Sasuke's ceding to foolish nostalgia. He came back towards Konoha (Presumably for omusuba with okaka) but was stopped by the gatekeepers and engaged with in a confrontation that ended in Izumo's death.
*omusubi with okaka is essentially a riceball with tuna and soysauce, from my understanding. It is noted as one of Sasuke's favorite foods, along with tomatoes.
Yikes this is long-winded of me. I'll try to be more concise in the future! Review-let me know what you think of this format. I can certainly continue with wordier chapters that have more substance. Would you like to see more detail to the action and less of the thought process of the characters? Thanks for your time!
-Elle
A NOTE ON TIMELINES AS I USE THEM IN THIS STORY:
If we note that Sasuke's birthday is July 23, Itachi's is June 9, Sakura's is May 23 and Naruto's is October 10th, we can assume that of team seven, Sakura is oldest. If this is set in August, Sasuke and Sakura are both 19-Naruto is still 18.
We also need to note that the Uchiha massacre happened right after Sasuke turned 8-if it's inferred that it happened in summer, early august is the most likely time for this to have happened. Itachi is noted as have being made Anbu Captain at 13, which does not necessarily mean he was not in Anbu before that. We can safely conclude that Itachi had been a captain (and thirteen) for around two months when the massacre happened (right after Sasuke's birthday, as it's inferred that Sasuke was 8 when it happened.)
That means it has been 11 years since the massacre, a little over six years since the initial assigning of teams (march/may-he turned 13 five or so months after being assigned to team seven), a little over five since his defection from Konoha.
I conclude that he killed Orochimaru when he was late fifteen (june/july)-so it's been around three years since Orochimaru's death, and around two and a half since Itachi's.
(All of this would be so much easier if they gave me seasons to work with!)
I conclude that the destruction of Konoha by Pein's invasion happens around January/Febuary, a month or so after Itachi's death. For my own purposes, I'm writing that he was involved in that.
The next big "arc" that Sasuke is noted as participating in is the killing of Danzo, which I believe happens around April, so he's sixteen (turning 17 in about four months) Sakura has just turned 17, and Naruto is sixteen, turning 17 in seven more months.
Chapter One features Sakura as a nineteen year old, about a month after her birthday-so it's April (everyone else is still eighteen). Sasuke had just been involved in an altercation with the Gatekeepers of Konoha (Izumo and Kotetsu) and Izumo perished. This chapter takes place four months later.
