My Dwindling Sanity

Rating: M (yes, I upped the rating. -is shamed-)

Pairings: ItaNeji, AkatsukiLeaderNeji

Warnings: Swearing. OOCness. Yaoi (slash, boyboy romance). Spoilers for anyone who doesn't know about Oro-chan, the whole Hyuuga Main/Branch House crap, and the Akatsuki. Sexual content (nothing lemony/limey, more … introspective thoughts on smexy boys and insinuation).

Genre: Humor, Romance

Word Count: 707

Disclaimer: Please see my Profile for details.

A/N: … There's a reason this fic is called "My Dwindling Sanity".

THANK YOU FOR REVIEWING: naash, Phyne, SasukeDragon, Foxic Cherri, and mina.

NOTE: FROM THIS MOMENT ON, THIS FIC IS CO-WRITTEN BY AND DEDICATED TO SASUKEDRAGON. Because she kicks ass and is the reason this is a multi-chapter fic. Yeah, it was supposed to be a one-shot, but her ideas were just too good to pass up! So enjoy.

xXxXxXx

Sasuke was not sure why Neji did not like him. Sure, the Hyuuga was one high-maintenance whore, but he normally gave Sasuke some degrees of respect, as he was hot and strong and they were distant (third-cousin-twice-removed-brother's-mother's-grandfather's-fourth-cousin's-five-times-removed-sister's-fourth-son's etc. etc. etc.) relatives.

But lately he had been giving Sasuke these Byakugan glares that made him feel like he was naked and the skin was crawling off his bones.

And somehow, Sasuke blamed Itachi (he tried blaming Naruto, but the idiot just wasn't a good enough target), not knowing how close to the truth he really was.

All's the pity.

xXxXxXx

Humming, Itachi admired his perfect, cobalt-blue nails as they dried. His fingers brushed past Neji's, who's face flamed at the contact (which didn't escape Itachi's noticed, but he allowed the pale Hyuuga to believe that he did). Hinata seemed a distant memory with Itachi sitting across from them, and Neji inwardly agreed with him-Hinata was a skank, and if Itachi kept looking at him like that, then the Sharingan-weilder could talk about whomever the hell he wished to talk about in whatever way.

This was their forty-eth salon date (though, Neji was refusing to call it such), and Itachi had to admit, that kid was looking better every time they came in contact. Taller, more muscular, just hotter. And as for Neji … who COULDN'T be attracted to all of Itachi's Itachi-ness? With the hair and the eyes and that SHIRT!

But Neji was almost more socially retarded than Itachi was, but since he refrained from murdering his whole family (which would begin with that DAMN MAIN HOUSE), he figured he was a step higher than Itachi on the hot-but-crazy scale (because holy crap, Neji was insane and everyone knew it.).

Oh how wrong he was.

Because Itachi knew about one thing that not-so-straight-laced Neji didn't.

Seduction.

And DAMN was he good at it.

He would flaunt his body and twist and turn and stretch and moan and part his lips and blow on his fingers and holyfuckingdancingmonkey he just licked his hand for no apparent reason.

This all led to a furiously blushing Neji who was hot under the collar and pants tighter than normal.

But unbeknownst to both of them, a shadowy figure was slouched in the corner of the salon, eyes tracking the movements of Itachi, but which kept straying back to Neji.

"Mmm … he is delicious. It's too bad Itachi's got a hold of him." The figure mused. A glint of light off white teeth betrayed the figure's smile. "Too bad he hasn't marked the boy as his, and it's rude of Akatsuki members not to share …" He gave a quiet, maniacal laugh, which was interrupted by the random appearance of a bored-looking girl chewing bubble gum obnoxiously.

"Are you gonna, like, sit down or something? Because if you don't, you hafta leave. Yer creepin' my customers out, and dude, that's just not-" There was a wet splatter as the girl was decapitated, dead before she hit the ground. Grumbling, the Akatsuki leader, who so despised interruptions, turned back to the show-

And found them gone.

With a howl of rage, he then proceeded to murder everyone in the building, because they were ANNOYING SALON PEOPLE.

Now he'd have to wait until next week to watch that delicious little scrumpet!

"DAMN YOU SASUKE!" He shouted to the heavens.

Not particularly sure WHY he was blaming Itachi's little brother, he stalked off, muttering under his breath about hotties in salons that needed to EXPLODE (the salon, not the hottie).

xXxXxXx

Someplace somewhere, Sasuke sneezed, causing the fire jutsu he was practicing to be breathed up his nose.

After about six minutes of hacking his lungs out onto the ground, Sasuke realized Neji was plotting to kill him.

It all made sense! The stalking, the glares, the murderous intent. And now … Sasuke had sneezed. This definitely meant that Neji was thinking about him, and if Neji was thinking about him, it meant that he wanted to kill him.

Hyuuga Neji was going to murder him.

So he did what any SANE (coughcoughyeahright) person would do.

He flipped out (screaming "OMFGWTFFTWBBQNEJI'SGONNAKILLMEDEAD!") and ran home to prepare.

He sure as HELL wasn't going down without a fight.

END

… A "scrumpet" is a made-up word that is a combination of "strumpet" (prostitute) and "crumpet" (an English cake). Why Neji was described as a pastry that gives sexual services for money is anyone's guess. If you get it right, I'll give you a SPECIAL MENTIONS and … um … a prize of your choice? Like a plushy or a hug from one of the characters? Or the characters themselves? Use your imaginations, people!

(Insert standard demand/plea/bribe/threat for reviews)