My Dwindling Sanity
Rating: M
Pairings: ItaNeji, AkatsukiLeaderNeji
Warnings: Swearing. OOCness. Yaoi (slash, boyboy romance). Spoilers for anyone who doesn't know about Oro-chan, the whole Hyuuga Main/Branch House crap, and the Akatsuki. Sexual content (nothing lemony/limey, more … introspective thoughts on smexy boys and insinuation). Minor spoilers for anyone who doesn't know about the Sound Four. (AKA the "Stuff-Sasuke-in-a-bucket-and-hope-he-goes-ebil")
Genre: Humor, Romance
Word Count: 561
Disclaimer: Please see my Profile for details.
A/N: (beams at bloody OOC shovel (gift from Vegetarian Salad)) You sure came in handy! (steps over motionless bodies of Sasuke and Neji while whistling a creepy tune)
xXxXxXx
Neji was an angster. Not an AVENGER like that stupid BITCH Sasuke, but an ANGSTER. That is to say, he's very good at looking hot while brooding or angsting. As he is doing now.
Neji glared up at his ceiling. Goddamn that Itachi for making him all horny! He didn't KNOW anything about the man, for fuck's sake!
Neji watched a light bulb appear over his face and his whole countenance brightened as he got an idea …
And was promptly blinded as the levitating light bulb exploded with light.
"ARGH! Motherfucking-!" Neji yelled as he attacked the light bulb viciously. It popped out of existence, miffed at the fact that it had given that STUPID BOY an idea, and nearly got exploded! Only HE was allowed to make things go 'splodey! That STUPID BOY was going to pay.
But back to Neji, who had remembered his idea and was incredibly smug as he left the house. He would just go ask Sasuke! After all, they were brothers, weren't they? (He conveniently decided to "forget" that Itachi had made Sasuke's life absolutely miserable.)
It was brilliant. No wonder he was the number one rookie of his time. (one year ahead of the "Rookie Nine")(More like the STUPID Nine! OH BURN!)
xXxXxXx
Sasuke wiped the sweat from his eyes with a satisfied smile. It had taken him almost forty-eight hours working nonstop, but now every inch of the Uchiha district was booby-trapped with traps that would only react to Neji's distinctive chakra signature.
Sasuke allowed himself a small cackle before donning his brand-new "War with Neji" outfit: Army fatigues with a hard hat spray-painted in a camouflage pattern. He carried a blow-up mini-Uzi with him (because he was a little too out of it to realize that it wasn't real). Crouching behind a barrier of sand bags, he waited.
He didn't have to wait long. His sensors indicated that a certain DIRTY RAT had just set off traps #6, #32, and #78.
He allowed himself another cackle. Neji didn't have a chance.
xXxXxXx
Neji barely dodged the hail of shuriken and arrows that had just descended on him while simultaneously flipping through the air to avoid the lands mines. What was with these damn booby-traps, huh? Was that stupid Sasuke THAT paranoid? And about WHAT?
"WHAT THE FUCK UCHIHA?" he shrieked, dodging a bucket of … blood (1)? The hell?
"YOUR MOM!" came the shouted response.
"Oh, you SO DIDN'T GO THERE!"
"That's what YOUR MOM said. LAST NIGHT! OH BURN!"
Neji activated his Byakugan. Oh, Sasuke was going DOWN.
His uber-cool moment was ruined by the reappearance of that DAMN LIGHT BULB, which popped in front of his face and blinded him ONCE AGAIN, making him slip in the puddle of blood on the ground an, not only fall on his ass, but stain his clothes.
Everyone was out to get him today!
xXxXxXx
In the end, Neji stepped on a trip wire, which triggered the attack of a huge blow-up spider. Since Neji had had arachnophobia ever since his battle with Kidoumaru of Sound, he ran in the other direction, screaming like a little girl, vowing revenge against Sasuke. And the light bulb.
And he hadn't found out ANYHTING about Itachi!
AND HIS MANICURE WAS RUINED!
It was so on.
xXxXxXx
SCORE:
Sasuke-1
Neji-0
Light Bulb of DOOM™- 6, 827, 643 (What now, bitches?)
TBC(highfives light bulb) Oh, we so bad.
(1)- The blood is a reference to the horror movie Carrie, who gets pig blood dumped all over her. Sucks, don't it?
So … lone-wolf987 was the only person who guessed why I called Neji a scrumpet … but it, um … wasn't the right answer. (winces) You get Kabuto anyways, m'dear. (throws him at you after putting a bow on his head) There you are.
The real reason is because it was a typo that I liked too much to fix. (shrugs)
Oh, I found out that I'm not replying to reviews correctly. (grovels) So I truly DO love you all … I'm just an idiot. Sorry. (bows sheepishly)
(Insert standard demand/plea/bribe/threat for reviews)
