My Dwindling Sanity
Rating: M
Pairings: ItaNeji, AkatsukiLeaderNeji, some Uchihacest if you look real hard, implied Hyuugacest
Warnings: Swearing. OOCness. Yaoi (slash, boyboy romance). Spoilers for anyone who doesn't know about Oro-chan, the whole Hyuuga Main/Branch House crap, and the Akatsuki. Sexual content. Minor spoilers for anyone who doesn't know about the Sound Four. (AKA the "Stuff-Sasuke-in-a-bucket-and-hope-he-goes-ebil"). And probably character bashing, though I try not to go TOO far. AND NOW IT'S A CROSSOVER (between OHSHC and Harry Potter!)
Genre: Humor, Romance
Word Count: 1, 170
Disclaimer: Please see my Profile for details.
A/N: Has it really been a WHOLE YEAR?! Shit guys, I'm so sorry. This year was a busy one. I still love you all very, very much! All your reviews move this story.
THANKS FOR REVIEWING! (I got reviews throughout the WHOLE YEAR. You guys seriously kick my ass.) kibahina.4.evur, Asterixa, Celiatsu, Vegetarian Salad, Niram, mina, Madame Puddifoot, Foxic Cherrii, SasukeDragon, Phyne, naash, Yersi Fanel, Dark, Shineko-chan, lighty-chan, whee XD, Too Lazy To Sign In, amaya moore, Itachi'sEBILcuppycake, Llama Drama, Skeleton Tree, InsaneBlackHeart, the girl in the mirrior, NejiXItachi, The Sleeping Creature, Ren-sensei, PsychoticMidnight, Acela, SendMoreParamedics, DarcGarnet, Valid Until Proven Insane.
And thank you to everyone who favorited/ put on their alert list me/this story! You have no idea how happy it makes me!
Special thanks go to Asterixa, Vegetarian Salad, SasukeDragon, Skeleton Tree, NejiXItachi, and the girl in the mirror. You know why.
xXxXxXx
"I feel pretty … oh so pretty …"
"I feel pretty and witty and-"
The Akatsuki Leader and Sasuke turned to each other with hearts in their eyes, and sang together, "Gaaaaaaaay!"
Sasuke twirled, the lacy hem of his dress flying up to reveal frilly bloomers. The Akatsuki Leader, dressed a comfortable, at-home kimono (his face still somehow masked in shadow, though the rest of his body was perfectly lit) bowed to him gallantly and took him by the arm.
As they sashayed around the room, Sasuke continued.
"And I pity, any girl that isn't me today!"
"Lalalalalalalalalalaaa!"
But with his usual bipolar suddenness, Sasuke dropped to the ground wailing, pressing his skirt to his face in despair (once again showing off his frilly bloomers).
"NOOOOOOOOOO, MOOOOOTHEEEEEEEER!"
The Akatsuki Leader patted him on the head, snickering. "There, there."
Hinata looked up briefly from the security monitors. She was pacing, and her hair was still mussed, her shirt still torn, but she had reached a level of almost zen-like calm. Which was more terrifying than her angry.
"Will you stop humoring him? After watching my bitch betray me with that …thing-that-shall-not-be-named, I do not need to see you two parading around in his dead parent's clothes."
xXxXxXx
Voldemort lifted his head. "Is someone calling me?"
Orochimaru grabbed him by the collar and pulled him down to eye level, hissing. "I'm going to be KILLING you if you don't finish doing that thing with your tongue!"
Voldemort scowled. "Do it yourself! With YOUR long-and-mighty tongue, you don't even …" his voice cracked a bit before continuing, "you don't even NEED me!"
Orochimaru hissed softly, "Oh, my Voldy. Come to daddy."
CENSORED FOR DISTURBING IMAGES (ha)
xXxXxXx
But anyways.
Sasuke sniffled, "B-but, it makes me feel closer to mommy!"
"If you want to feel closer to mommy, go dig up her grave." And with that, Hinata turned away.
The Akatsuki Leader was just zipping up his cloak, and tsked. "Now, that's just morbid. You've put the poor boy in a coma with your dirty talk."
"What's morbid is seeing Uchiha Sasuke dressed up in a lacy pink dress, with bows in his hair, AND frilly bloomers."
"Hmm, quite right."
Sasuke continued to sob hopelessly.
xXxXxXx
"Hey! Hey, wait a second!" Naruto put his hands on his hips and scowled. "I'm the main character! The entire series is CALLED Naruto! Where the hell am I?"
Good question.
xXxXxXx
And then Naruto burst through the window (it had magically repaired itself since chapter 5), showering glass on the already traumatized Sasuke.
"SASUKE-ttebayo! I have come to-"
The air deflated out of him at the site of Sasuke curled up in the fetal position (in a dress), the Leader of the Akatsuki, and Hinata (looking like she had just had her ass kicked) all in one room.
"Naruto, not that I'm not desperately in love with you or anything, but this is not a good time." Hinata said, not stopping her pacing.
Naruto flapped his jaws uselessly.
The Light Bulb of DoomTM (with many bows to his adoring fans) appeared with a sudden pop and nudged Hinata gently.
"Ah, yes. Well, Naruto, how would you like to be in the battle of your life?"
At the word 'battle', Naruto's body tensed, and flames of determination ringed him.
" I will protect you with my life!"
"Thank you, Lee. I was asking Naruto."
He blinked. "What?"
"There's Ramen in the cupboard."
"OOH!" And off he went.
The Akatsuki Leader glanced at Sasuke, then at the retreating back(side) of Naruto. "Konoha boys are fairly simple, aren't they?"
"Oh, you have NO idea."
xXxXxXx
Itachi whistled, "I feel pretty" as he rinsed his luscious hair, the scents of his special brand of shampoo wafting over his senses and making him purr contentedly. He had left Neji sprawled out on the bed, deeply asleep, the others sitting on the floor watching him.
As he sailed out of the bathroom in a cloud of steam, Neji's specially monogrammed towel barely hitched around his hips, he caught site of her. HER.
SHE stopped, in the act of sneaking out of HER OWN bedroom. Sneaking around HER OWN HOUSE! SHE looked over at him without any expression.
Perfect.
He sauntered over, leaning against the wall casually, letting his greater stature loom over hers. He leaned in close and licked his fingertips, giving a little laugh.
"Tasty, isn't he? A great lay."
And then she was gone, and Itachi went on his way, still whistling, with a new spring in his step.
xXxXxXx
Not much had changed back at the base. They were all waiting for Hinata to return. And boy, did she ever.
Blasting open the door, she came in like a whirlwind of teeth and hands and fury.
"WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT LITTLE SLUT-WHORE THINK HE IS?!?!?!? TOUCHING MY NEJI?!?!?! TASTING HIM?!?!?! FUCKING HIM??!?!??! MY PROPERTY??!!?!? I'LL KILL HIM, I'LL FUCKING RIP HIS DICK OFF, SHOVE IT DOWN HIS THROAT, AND CUT HIS FUCKING BITCH-CUNT HEAD OFF!!!!!"
She had Sasuke by the collar of his frills, shaking him.
"WHY DIDN'T YOU FUCKING KILL HIM WHEN YOU HAD THE CHANCE! IT'S BEEN YEARS! HE COULD'VE BEEN DEAD, DEAD TO THE WORLD, DANCE-ON-HIS-GRAVE DEAD, BUT NO! YOU WERE TOO WEAK!!!!"
She threw him into the wall and he crashed through it. The Akatsuki Leader blended into the shadows wisely, while Naruto gaped at the scene open-mouthed.
"Hinata!"
"OH SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP! I'M NOT IN THE MOOD FOR YOUR RAY-OF-SUNSHINE, RAINBOW HAPPY DETERMINATION BULLSHIT! HE IS GOING DOWN, DO YOU HEAR ME? I WILL RIP OUT HIS BEATING HEART IF I HAVE TO! I WILL SCRATCH HIS EYES OUT, THOSE GREEDY, LEER-AT-NEJI EYES, AND EAT THEM!!!""
She screamed in fury and stomped out of the room, shouting obscenities and death threats along the way.
The Akatsuki Leader shook his head. He was right to pick the other Hyuuga. This one was a fucking sociopath! (Though there's no denying that that little feat with Sasuke, not to mention her swearing, gave him the most delightful shivers.)
He turned at the sound of Naruto's world breaking, and found him sprawled on the ground.
He shook his head, "I pity the fool."
xXxXxXx
YAY FOR PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS! (PLEASE READ)
Voldemort cleared his throat, "Ahem. Hello, viewers!"
Orochimaru flicked his tongue teasingly, "Readers."
"Shut up!" Voldemort hissed, glaring. "Hello, readers, then. Satisfied?"
"Why don't you come over here and find out?"
"Anyways. We've only got a few chapters (four) left before the end, and we're calling for a poll."
"The kind you can dance around? In frilly lingerie that I get to take off?" Orochimaru perked up.
"A POLL, not a POLE, pervert." Voldemort said sullenly.
"What's the difference?"
"ANYWAYS. We're calling for a POLL of the READERS: What group do you want to win? The Neji Haters, or the Neji Haters HATERS? Your votes will decide!"
Orochimaru whined, "That's not sexy! Now that outfit you wore last night, the one with the-"
"Anywaysvotenowpollendssoongoodbye!"
TBC
You guys rock, thanks for being so patient.
(Insert standard demand/plea/bribe/threat for reviews)
