My Dwindling Sanity

Rating: M

Pairings: ItaNeji, AkatsukiLeaderNeji, some Uchihacest if you look real hard, implied Hyuugacest

Warnings: Swearing. OOCness. Yaoi (slash, boyboy romance). Spoilers for anyone who doesn't know about Oro-chan, the whole Hyuuga Main/Branch House crap, and the Akatsuki. Sexual content. Minor spoilers for anyone who doesn't know about the Sound Four. (AKA the "Stuff-Sasuke-in-a-bucket-and-hope-he-goes-ebil"). And probably character bashing, though I try not to go TOO far. AND NOW IT'S A CROSSOVER (between OHSHC and Harry Potter!)

Genre: Humor, Romance

Word Count: 899

Disclaimer: Please see my Profile for details.

A/N: Yo. Sorry I'm late … I got lost on the road of life. (pulls out the latest Icha Icha Paradise to cover up the red blush of SHAME BURING ON MY CHEEKS!!!!!)

THANKS FOR REVIEWING, FAVORITING, AND ALERTING! You have no idea how much I love you guys and how much you inspire me!

The Perfecest Demonic Angel, Ero-Chibi-Chan, blue Li9Ht, Meemei, K.O., Tally Mai-chan, Soka, Thrae Elddim, Atsuko Uehara, Teh Soul Cookie, black55widow, Kagome Raya, Send More Paramedics, Asterixa (I LOVE YOU! YOU ARE MY HERO!), the girl in the mirror, The Sleeping Creature, PsychoticMidnight, ChibiLeonKitty, FriendshipxOfxFire, ArgyBargy, Your Kidney, Celiatus, kibahina., Ren-sensei, Acela, DarcGarnet, Mime Harlequin, The Soul Cake Duck, Madame Puddifoot, Yersi Fanel, amaya moore, Valid Until Proven Insane, Vegeterian Salad (SUPER LOVE! I CAN'T EVEN HANDLE YOUR BRILLIANCE!), Llama Drama, whee XD, Shineko-chan, Sasuke Dragon (YOU ARE INCREDIBLE, AND I LOVE YOU TO DEATH!}, Too Lazy To Sign In, Dark, lighty-chan, mina, Delicious cake-desu., Phyne, naash.

And a SUPER SPECIAL shout-out goes to all my voters! You've made a very … clear statement, lol. (To see the current poll stats, see my profile).

xXxXxXx

Deidara licked his lips (all three pairs of them) and said hestitantly, "Um … so let me get this straight, yeah … you want us to come help you beat up a group of kids because … you want to screw one of them, yeah?"

The Akatsuki leader, reclining in his throne room, with the tortured screams of the damned (all the people who had offended him within the past week, including some of the annoying salon people that he had resurrected for the hell of it) creating a certain soothing ambience (to psychopaths) replied-

"Like, duh."

Hidan snorted. "Fuck you, that's some fuckity shit. Fuck."

Before the others could express any other opinion whatsoever, the Akatsuki leader pressed a button, and Hidan was incinerated on the spot.

The ashes formerly known as Hidan said, "Aww, fuck. You fuckers know how fucking long it takes to resur-fuckingr-ect from fire? Fucking fuck, man!"

The Akatsuki leader surveyed the rest of the group, and over Hidan's swearing asked, "Any other comments, my pets?"

Silence.

"Now, who shall get the incredible honor of coming with me … and who will stay behind because they smell funny?"

xXxXxXx

"Ssssssso … what your telling me issssss … isssss that you want me to help you fight a group of kidssssss becausssssse … I'd get Ssssssssassssssssuke?" Orochimaru hissed from his rumpled bed of pure sick and disgusting fluids, where he and Voldemort lay, wrapped around each other.

Amidst the crumpled bodies of his fellows (they had all passed out in horror, save Gaara), wishing Itachi was with him instead of … not with him, Neji swallowed thickly and tried not to vomit.

"Y-Yes."

Voldemort pouted. "You know, I still can't believe you're hung up on that Sasuke kid. I thought you loved ME!" Tears began to well up in his slitted eyes.

Orochimaru hissed and pressed himself closer to Voldemort, stroking his face (Neji covered his poor, bleeding eyes with his hands and cried, "Oh god!") and whispered, "No, no my sweet snaky love. I'm not hung up on him. I want to do this for us. Wouldn't you like a little love slave to do your bidding? One prettier than that AWFUL Wormtail?"

Voldemort sniffed, but thought about it. "I could use a pretty minion …"

Orochimaru ginned broadly, "Sssssee? I knew you'd sssssee it my way." And they began to commence in some awful form of fornication.

Neji whimpered.

Orochimaru released Voldemort with an odd sucking sound. "Oh, yessssss. You. We have a deal."

Neji's knees nearly buckled with relief, and Gaara thankfully sand-ported them out.

"Now, where wasssss I?"

xXxXxXx

Neji collapsed into Itachi's arms sobbing incoherently. This wasn't a new thing to Itachi, who had learned that Neji started sobbing incoherently every half hour, but it was novel that he was five minutes early. Something REALLY must've happened. Not to mention the fact that the rest of the Neji Haters HATERS were unconscious.

"Awww, honey," he crooned, "What's the matter?"

"Orochi-hic-maru and this-hic-other yucky sna-hic-ke guy were being YUCKY!" He sobbed helplessly.

"Let me help you with that." Itachi replied with a sinister grin and proceeded to wipe the last twenty minutes from Neji's memory.

With his tongue.

xXxXxXx

Naruto had needed nearly two days of complete bed rest because of Hinata-shock, but had now recovered. Well … to a certain degree.

He acquired fatigues identical to Sasuke, and now the pair of them huddled together, clutching each other and shivering while watching Hinata stalk back and forth like an angry tiger.

The Akatsuki Leader strolled in, whistling. "Hey Hina-chan, I brought some new minions." He lined them up in front of her like prize cattle and grinned expectantly. Sasuke and Naruto dove under the nearest table in preparation for the imminent explosion.

She raised one eyebrow and glanced over her shoulder icily.

Deidara, Tobi, and Zetsu (the only three the Akstsuki leader had decided to drag along, making all choices on who to bring/leave behind for pure amusement's sake) stood together, shuffling restlessly.

Hinata nodded once, then spoke dramatically, in an icy whisper that, while soft, nevertheless rang through the room.

"We battle at dawn."

Naruto and Sasuke both forgot their Hinata-phobia and leapt to their feet to issue incredible battle cries that would strike fear in the hearts of their enemies and invigorate their companions –

But since they were huddled under a table, they merely crashed into it and succeeded only in knocking themselves out.

WOAH, SO SCARY!

Not.

Tobi, as if sensing what their intentions were, screamed, "TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!"

xXxXxXx

Neji moaned, "Um .. oh … I-Itachi?"

"Mmm?"

Biting his lip, Neji forced his thoughts away from Itachi, who had been steadily making his way downwards (and was now finally at his navel, ohgoddon'tstopmore) and tried again, "Itachi, d-did you hear that?"

Itachi paused.

Neji whimpered, "Something about a, ah … good boy?"

Itachi thought for a moment, then smirked, sending shivers down Neji's spine. "Oh, no," he purred, "oh, no, Neji, you're not a good boy."

Neji frowned. That had nothing to do with what he said.

"You're a BAD boy."

He froze, eyes going wide as Itachi's hands began to move.

"And bad boys need to be punished."

Neji squeaked.

Now the look on Itachi's face, THAT was scary.

(Well, sexy, but what's two or three letters when Itachi's doing THAT?)

TBC

Like, holy crap. I know it's taking me FOREVER AND A DAY, but I'm actually doing a real story. This is the longest thing I've ever written in my life. (passes out from utter shock)

(Insert standard demand/plea/bribe/threat for reviews)