Chapter 2: Life with the Davis Family

By late afternoon, Roger was in the studio again working on some new lyrics for a new song he was producing. The job he had to support his daughter was well paid; after all it was what paid for Courtney to go to private school. Actually, in reality songwriting wasn't the only job Roger had. On the days he wasn't working in the studios, he was up at The House of Blues near Times Square working on booking shows and promotions for the bands performing. His job did keep him occupied on most days, but he tried to find ways to make time for Courtney.

"Hello Roger Davis speaking," Roger said as he picked up the phone, "Mark what's up?"

"Do you know what time it is?" Mark replied on the other end, "My goodness Roger I left you five messages on your phone and on your pager! Your daughter has been waiting for almost half an hour again for her dad to pick her up from school!"

"Oh shit I forgot!" Roger said as he quickly started packing up, "I know it was just…I got caught up with something in the studio. They called me in today to finish up on the last parts to this new song! The need to have it produced for recording next week. I know I'm on my way to pick up Courtney."

"She probably has us on speed dial just in case you don't show up," Mark added, "Courtney called my phone, Joanne's, Maureen's, and even Collins and Angel's. You know you have to take more responsibility for your daughter…so I suggest you pick her up now."

After Roger hung up the phone, he quickly was starting driving towards Courtney's school. He found his daughter sitting on a bench with a look of disappointment on her face. Roger could tell Courtney wasn't please that her dad was late to pick her up. The relationship the two of them had with one another was a bit on and off, but deep down the love he had for his daughter was strong. Courtney was the one thing that gave him meaning to live and without his daughter, what would be the point of him going on?

"Daddy do you know what time it is?" Courtney asked, "Do you have any idea on how long I was waiting? Why are you late daddy?"

"Oh sweetie I'm so sorry I know but I got caught up at work!" Roger replied, "As much as I wanted to leave early, I couldn't you know that. I'm sorry I couldn't drop you off this morning but I kept my promise to pick you up. Does that count for anything?"

"Okay…I guess it does," Courtney smiled, "But I only forgive you for being late under one condition daddy?"

"You seem to put a price tag on my forgiveness don't you tiny," Roger smiled as he took his daughter's hand and led her to the car. The two then began driving home, "What are the terms?"

"Can you cook me dinner tonight?" Courtney asked, "We always have takeout almost like every single night. Do you or Uncle Mark know how to cook?"

"Remember the last time we cooked dinner Courtney?"

"Oh…I remember what happened the loft smoked up because you guys burnt the roast for Aunt Maureen's dinner party!"

"Besides…we got people coming over," Roger replied, "Maureen, Joanne, Collins and Angel are coming over for dinner. We're having Thai food tonight."

"Thai food always seem popular with our family," Courtney said, "Daddy…did mommy ever let you order food for dinner almost every night?"

"Not really…your mom didn't like eating out too much," Roger replied with a bit of sadness, "If your mom were still here and she found out what I was feeding you…she'd be disappointed."

"Daddy why don't I have a mommy? All the other kids at school have a mommy except for me and I know I had a mommy. Is it normal to not have a mommy?"

"Huh…Courtney you have to understand something," Roger sighed, "Our family is small…but it's different. Some families are different where kids have only maybe a mom, or a dad, or where both the mom and dad don't live together. Your mom loved you a lot and you were what she called her miracle girl. You know what happened to mommy right?"

"Yeah…you said that mommy is in heaven, but you don't tell me why," Courtney said, "Did you love mommy?"

"More than anything," Roger sighed, "More than everything else…in my life. You remind me so much of her everyday. I see…a lot of her in you and that is what keeps mommy's memory alive. You're always my little miracle girl."

While they were driving, Roger's mind drifted off while Courtney was listening to the latest album from Lifehouse in the car. He loved his daughter a lot, but every time when it came to the subject of April, Roger felt that need to pull away. April's death left him disgruntled to a point where he was doubting whether or not there was any meaning left for him to live, with the exception of his daughter.

Courtney was the one thing that Roger and April did right. She was their "miracle girl" being fortunate and miraculously lucky to be born without HIV and be brought into this world by two parents infected with HIV. However, despite not being HIV positive, Courtney had diabetes which Roger had to deal with treating her with her daily injections of insulin in case her sugar level was low. Their daughter was what changed their lives to do something right for a change…before the mess that happened. Sometimes Roger felt the guilt that he didn't deserve to be here enjoying living and feeling responsible for taking his wife's life away. He glanced at his daughter and pondered how long he has before he suffers the same fate as April.

"Oh fuck what now!" Roger yelled as he noticed a moving truck blocking the way, "Hey! Asshole! Move out of the way! You're blocking traffic!" Courtney just looked at her dad shocked that he just swore in front of her, "Oh honey I'm sorry! Cover your ears okay?"

"You just swore daddy!" Courtney replied, "Huh daddy can I get out first?"

"Maybe that will work better," Roger said as Courtney got out of the car, "Courtney just go straight up to our place okay? Uncle Mark should be home by now just tell him that I'm going to park the car on the other side of the street."

Roger was pissed he had to park on the other side of the street instead of in front of the building. He got out of his car and began to walk inside when he noticed a young Latino woman struggling to carrying heavy boxes up the stairs. She had brown hair and brown eyes probably a few years younger than he was.

"Here let me help you with that miss," Roger offered, "It's kind of a long flight up."

"Thanks I really appreciate that," the woman replied, "My name is Mimi Marquez I just moved here into the building."

"It's nice to meet you," Roger smiled as they were lifting the boxes up the stairs, "I'm Roger Davis. I live in the loft one floor above from where you live. So are you just moving in today?"

"Actually I started moving in since last week," Mimi said, "I just moved here from Long Island to Manhattan. I got a job right now teaching dance at the local community center to kids. I came here to try to get proper gigs dancing professionally. What about you Roger?"

"Well I'm a songwriter working part time at a recording studio producing music and I work up at the House of Blues booking shows and performances," Roger added, "It's sort of a sideline job I do when I don't have any songs needing to be produced right now. The good thing about my job is watching these bands perform for free after all, I book the venue for them whenever they come into town."

"That sounds interesting," Mimi said as Roger dropped his wallet, "Here I got that. Are you married?"

"I was…but my wife April died five years ago," Roger sighed, "I've been a widow for five years now raising a kid on my own. Today is my wife's fifth year anniversary death."

"I'm sorry to hear about your wife," Mimi said as they brought the last of the boxes up to Mimi's apartment, "Well this is it then. I get I'll see you around Roger. Thanks again for your help with the boxes."

"Huh…no problem," Roger said, "It was nice meeting you Mimi. I'll see around."

After Mimi and Roger parted, Roger headed up to the loft and he saw his friends have already arrived early for dinner. Courtney was already eating and Mark greeted him when Roger came inside. On most nights, Mark, Roger and Courtney would wind up finding their friends crashing at the loft after all, each of them all lived there at one point and Roger was grateful for his friends for helping him raise Courtney these past five years. He walked in to find that everyone was starting to have dinner.

"Roger what was with the hold up?" Mark asked, "When I saw Courtney walk through the door she said you were parking the car."

"Oh I got held up," Roger said, "I was helping the new girl moving into the building. She lives one floor below us. Her name is Mimi Marquez."

"You mean the new girl teaching the new dance classes at the Avenue A Community Center?"

"Yeah that's her," Roger added, "She seems nice."

"Sounds like you might be interested in her," Collins replied.

"Oh honey you need to lay off Roger," Angel replied to her boyfriend, "Roger's love life is none of our business."

"What are you talking about?" Roger asked, "I just met the girl today and I hardly don't even know her. Besides, I already had one woman in my life before."

"Roger it's been five years," Maureen said, "Don't you feel that it's about time you get on and start moving on with your life? You shouldn't be depriving yourself of not living."

"And what would you know?" Roger suddenly snapped, "You think it's easy to move that quick? Today is April's fifth year anniversary death. That was where I was this morning Mark. I went to the cemetery to visit April's grave like I always do every year."

"You went to visit mommy's grave?" Courtney asked, "Daddy, why don't you ever take me to visit mommy's grave? I want to visit her too."

"Not anytime soon honey, maybe someday," Roger sighed.

"Why couldn't I go today?" Courtney asked, "I know today was the first day of school and I understand, but can we go after dinner."

"Courtney that's enough," Roger replied, "This is the end of the discussion."

"Daddy!" Courtney yelled, "Can't I just ask to go with…"

"Courtney stop!" Roger replied, "I said that is enough."

"Hey Courtney…huh why don't you head off to your room and play okay?" Joanne said, "I'll keep you company okay?" Joanne took Courtney into her bedroom to leave Roger alone with the others and not upset his daughter too much.

"Look Roger we're just trying to look out for you," Mark replied, "You're our best friend and we care about both you and Courtney. We don't want to see you so wracked up with agony about April's death. You have to let yourself heal and move on with your life."

"What there's left for me huh?" Roger replied, "April would still be alive if it weren't for me! I killed my wife five years ago and that is what rattled me! She found out about my fling with Sophie and threatened to leave that night with Courtney. How can you tell me that I need to heal when I can't and you have to go to sleep every night with the image of seeing your wife get rundown by a speeding taxi! That should have been me…not her! I made the mistake not her and it cost April her life!"

"What about Courtney?" Mark asked, "Do you realize how much your daughter needs you? I've known you for a long time and you need to take some responsibility for your daughter. Roger it wasn't your fault that April died. It was a speeding taxi, not you. Everyone makes mistakes and I'm sure April would have known that it was a mistake you made with your fling with Sophie. April loved you more than anything and she would have wanted you to be happy."

"How can I be happy when I feel guilty of depriving my daughter of any chance of growing up with a mother?" Roger asked, "I can't feel proud living my life to the fullest knowing that this is what I get for living? I look at Courtney and all I see is April inside of her. It's like something that haunts me inside. It reminds me of my guilt and pain I caused for her. Look at me! I'm HIV positive and I drove my wife into using drugs again just when we thought we might have done something right. I don't…even know what I got to live for now or who I am."

"Roger wait don't walk out," Maureen begged as Roger just left the room, "He's always like this every year. No matter what he'll be rattled with that guilt of causing April's death."

"It's not that," Mark replied, "Roger's afraid…that's he's losing all faith of living because he feels he deprived someone else the chance of life. It's like Roger feels he doesn't have anything left and he's losing part of himself each day. It's like he feels he straying down that path again he and April once took before Courtney was born. He's afraid that sooner or later he'll end up dead like April but he's doing better physically, but mentally and spiritually, Roger needs help. The only thing he feels he has to live for is Courtney. There's more Roger's capable of for living…all he needs is time to discover it."

Roger headed up to the rooftop of the building to get some fresh air. "April…why did you have to leave me to go through this alone? I'm trying but I don't know how much time I got left?" It was all Roger can think of. He was always like this every year during the eve of April's anniversary death. This was a typical day for both him and daughter. What scared Roger the most was what would Courtney make of all of this one day?

Roger was fortunate he had his guitar as his comfort to ease the pain he was feeling inside. He felt bad for snapping at his daughter and his friends. Each day it felt like he was losing part of himself. He leaned on the railing and he started playing. Most of the time he played anything by Lifehouse since it was one of the only few bands that let him relate to his feelings.

"Honesty is a hard attribute to find
when we all want to seem like
we've got it all figured out
well let me be the first to say that I don't have a clue
I don't have all the answers
ain't gonna pretend like I do"

Roger saw that Courtney was standing on the other side of the rooftop looking at him. He noticed his daughter's presence and he suddenly stopped playing. No matter how many times he tried seeking up to the roof, Courtney would follow him at some point.

"Daddy?" Courtney called, "I'm…sorry for yelling at you."

"No honey it wasn't your fault…it was me," Roger sighed, "You were never at fault. I shouldn't have told you where I was going earlier today. I should…try being a father to you. After all…you're my little miracle girl."

"I know and I know you're trying…I'll love you no matter what," Courtney said hugging her dad, "Our family maybe little and broken, but that doesn't change anything between us right?"

"Of course not," Roger smiled, "It's always you and me kiddo from here on out. I'll be there for you no matter what because your what keeps me smiling. I have a hard time showing it but you're the only one who knows okay? I love you sweetie."

"I like it when you play because you play well," Courtney smiled, "It makes it smile."

"Me too kiddo," Roger replied as he continued playing, "I'll play for you."

"Well I haven't memorized all of the cute things to say
But I'm working on it
Maybe I'll master this art form someday
If I quote all the lines off the top of my head
Would you believe
That I fully understand all these things I've read

I'm just trying
to find my way
trying
to find my way
trying
to find my way the best that I know how

Well I haven't got it all figured out quite yet but
even if it takes my whole life
to get to where I need to be
that's alright with me now
if it's ok with you"

(Author's notes: the song I used in this chapter is "Trying" by Lifehouse so I don't own it. I hope you enjoyed the chapter, keep sending in your reviews!)