Chapter 6: From Father to Daughter
The next two weeks were stressful and tense times for Roger. For one, Courtney was giving him the silent treatment since that night he came home from his date with Mimi. Every time Roger would attempt to apologize to his daughter, she would either runaway from him and play or she would just desperately just hang around with Mark. On the other hand, since that night with the fallout with his date with Mimi, whenever Roger saw Mimi, she would just turn away and ignore him. But it didn't bother him, but inside he felt that guilty for what he did to both Courtney and Mimi. Mark was trying everything in his power to help Courtney and Roger out…but the problem was trying to help Courtney out.
"Hey man, how's it going?" Mark said coming into the living room.
"Not bad…just doing some work," Roger replied working on his songwriting and show bookings for work, "I have to get this performance of Lifehouse set up for the Holiday event going on at the House of Blues. Do you guys want in on the VIP Passes?"
"Sure more than ever," Mark answered, "Huh…listen about what happened two weeks ago I don't want to put you in the spot…"
"I don't want to talk about it…if you don't mind," Roger sighed, "You guys heard enough that there is to know."
"You were upset and you have your episodes once in awhile," Mark added, "But you know…you shouldn't have let out your aggression on someone as innocence as Mimi or to have your own daughter witness that first hand."
"How…is Courtney? Has she said anything yet?" Roger asked with concern, "I was frustrated with Mimi that night for trying to get some insight into what happened to me in my past or the fact about April and everything else. However…I didn't mean to put my daughter in that position to witness me at my low points."
"What low point are you talking about Roger? The one where you went ballistic on Mimi for attempting to maybe help your or the one where you felt ashamed you made your daughter hear your rants on us? You're her father you should know how your own kid is doing," Mark replied, "You scared the shit out of her and you know it's hard trying to talk to a terrified and upset little girl. I'm not Courtney's father Roger, you are. Ask your daughter how she is instead of having her trying to cling onto me most of the time."
"You think I've tried?" Roger sighed, "Every time I come within 4 feet of my daughter she runs off telling me don't yell anymore. I feel that she doesn't love me anymore. Heck…she wouldn't acknowledge my presence or look at me for that matter. I tried apologizing to her but all she wants from me is to leave her alone. It's like my daughter would rather have her mother around instead of me. It should have been that way five years ago, not the other way around. I would believe that life would have turned out different if April didn't die that night…if she were still around she would see what a kind of a mess I made of things with Courtney. She was going to walk out that night with Courtney in toll for what I did with Sophie…but now my wife dead. My relationship with my kid has hit an all time low and that is all thanks to me."
"Well you finally see what your disgruntled rants about life and misery has done to her. The other night she was asking me…about April. She wanted to know where her mother was and why she doesn't have one. I told her you should ask your father but her answer was daddy would just yell again. I showed her a picture of April and told her about Haven Memorial Gardens. It does break your heart to have your daughter wonder where her mom is or why she feels that her dad is a disappointment. If you want to save your relationship with your daughter Roger…I suggest as your roommate that you fulfill your obligations and duties as a father and try to talk to Courtney. April is not here so all she has right now is you." Roger sighed and he got up and knocked on Courtney's bedroom door to try to talk to his daughter.
"Courtney?" Roger called knocking but there was no answer, "Sweetie, can I come in? Courtney please answer me." Roger opened the door and he found his daughter playing tea party with her stuff animals.
"Okay Share Bear do you want some tea and biscuits?" Courtney said talking to her stuff animal Care Bear, "Be careful Rainbow Bright you don't want to get your clothes dirty and I'll pour some more tea for Tigger."
"Courtney? Honey can we talk?" Roger asked trying to get his daughter's attention.
"Okay we have to be good and smile," Courtney said to the stuff animals completely being obvious to Roger's presence, "We can't yell because we are eating and talking. So how was your day Share Bear? You look sad…I can sing you a song I know one."
"She says we've got to hold on, to what we got," Courtney started singing, "It doesn't make a difference if we make it or not. We got each other and that's a lot for love. We'll give it a shot. There, now you're smiling again Share Bear. I can pour you another cup of tea."
"Courtney please talk to me," Roger pleaded as he put his hand on his daughter, "Honey?" However, she just stepped back and just stopped her tea party game. Roger didn't know what to do because he brought this upon Courtney and the problem was coping with it.
"Don't yell at me please," Courtney sighed, "I promise…I'll go to sleep soon. I'll be happy okay?"
"Oh sweetie…it's not that I won't yell I promise," Roger said, "Is it okay I can get a hug?"
"You promised you wouldn't yell," Courtney sighed, "You…don't keep your promises. Do you love me daddy?"
"More than anything in this world Courtney. You mean everything to me sweetie you got to believe me please. I promise I'm telling you the truth. I'm sorry for everything."
"Daddy…where's mommy? I wish mommy was here," Courtney said, "Why can't I find her? I feel safe with her. You…don't keep promises and I don't believe you. Where can I find mommy?"
"You can't sweetie…because she's in heaven with all the angels," Roger sighed, "But you still have me. Even though mommy is not here we got each other. Believe me when I say I love you more than anything in this world."
"Why don't I have a mommy?" Courtney asked, "If you love me daddy, then tell me where mommy is? But you always lie and never keep promises. Mommy loves me and she keeps promise. You don't and you always yell all the time! You are always unhappy. Am I your daughter? Do you want me to leave you alone? You always leave me alone."
Roger couldn't cope hearing anymore that he just left the room speechless. He headed up to the rooftop for some fresh air. He knew Mark was right…his disgruntled behavior and outlook on life was taking a toll on his daughter to a point she became so upset with Roger. It came to that point where Courtney wished that April was here still alive, helping to raise their daughter together. Hearing his daughter sing earlier brought him back to those days where he remembered his daughter having both her parents.
(FLASHBACK)
"Oh no she's up again. I can hear her cry," April replied as she headed into the nursery to check up Courtney, "Roger can you get a bottle for Courtney ready? She must be cranky and hungry."
"Okay you go check up on our daughter," Roger replied.
"Hey sweetie don't cry mommy's here," April smiled picking Courtney up from her crib, "My little miracle girl must be cranky and hungry." Roger was in the kitchen getting the bottle ready and he was peeking through the nursery watching his wife rock their daughter to calm her down. She started singing another Bon Jovi hit to calm the baby down, although it was April's favorite band.
"Tommy used to work on the docks, unions been on strike, he's down on his luck that's tough, so tough," April sang rocking the baby, "Gina works the diner all day. Working for man, she brings home the pay for love, for love. She says we've got to hold on to what we got. It doesn't make a difference if we make it or not. We got each other and that's a lot for love. We'll give it a shot."
"Busting out Bon Jovi to get our little miracle girl to calm down?" Roger smiled, "I know one day she'll know that song and she can thank her mother for that. If the first song she learns how to sing…I'll be surprised if this is the song."
"Hey Living on a Prayer is a helpful song to calm our daughter down," April replied giving Roger a kiss, "C'mon Roger I know you're a big Bon Jovi fan too I can see it. I just want my six month old baby girl to acknowledge the brilliant works of music of Bon Jovi. I know you know the words to this song. There…that a good girl. I'm going to fetch the bottle and I'll leave you alone to spend some time with your daddy."
"Thanks," Roger said as April handed Courtney to him, but soon his daughter started crying again. "Oh sweetie don't cry daddy's here. Hush honey its okay, I'm here." His daughter wasn't going to calm down, so he thought it was logic to sing to her and it meant busting out Bon Jovi to calm down his daughter.
"She says we've got to hold on to what we got. It doesn't make a difference if we make it or not. We got each other and that's a lot for love. We'll give it a shot," Roger sang, "Oh we're half way there, oh living on a prayer. Take my hand and we'll make it I swear. Oh leaving on a prayer." After Roger finished singing, Courtney fell asleep in Roger's arm and Roger gave his daughter a kiss on the head and smiled rocking her, "My little miracle girl…don't worry I promise we'll make it I swear to you. No matter how long it takes…I'll always hold on for you. I love you more than anything. We'll hold on together."
(END OF FLASHBACK)
The next day Roger dropped Courtney off to school, but she still gave him the silent treatment to him. He was having difficulty trying to make amends with his daughter for his behavior and all that stuff she heard. She wasn't smiling or the perky optimistic miracle girl who at least gave him a reason to smile during the day. This was becoming too much for Roger to handle because he didn't know how to cope with Courtney ignoring him. She spent the whole morning talking with Mark and inquiring about her mother, which even doubled on the pain. Roger tried to bury himself the whole day in his work to forget everything that was going on. He spent hours editing and recording some new songs and booking tickets for upcoming shows and venues, anything to ease his pain.
"Mr. Davis, call for you on line one," the receptionist replied.
"Hannah just direct it to my voicemail," Roger said, "I won't be taking calls. I'm much swamped after all those meetings today with the record producers and concert promoters."
"But sir, this one is urgent," Hannah replied, "Mr. Cohen is on the phone. He's been saying he's been trying to get a hold of you. It's line two I'll transfer the call."
"Fine...transfer it," Roger replied as the call was transferred to his line, "Hey Mark, what's the emergency? You got Courtney with you?"
"You know I spent the last 2 hours trying to get a hold of you!" Mark yelled, "I probably guess you were in another meeting! But gosh Roger if you know where your priorities were than you will know this one should have been one that needs attending."
"What the heck are you talking about? Did you pick up Courtney from school?"
"I would of…if your daughter would have been at school today," Mark replied, "Roger…the school was trying to call you all day to say that…Courtney is missing."
"What?" Roger replied both shocked and confused, "What…are you talking about? I dropped her off this morning…how can Courtney go missing? Where the heck is she?"
"That's what we want to know and that is why I'm calling you. Her teacher said that she hasn't seen Courtney since lunchtime. Roger…just come down to the school quickly and I'll try to call the others if they have seen her."
"I'll be down there in ten minute," Roger said as he hung up the phone and left the office, "I got to go Hannah. Tell anyone that calls I'm out for the rest of day and leave a message. My daughter is missing and I need to head to her school."
Roger was driving quickly and manically through the traffic to get to Courtney's school. He was now frantic with worry and fear for his daughter…his little six year old girl. How could she have gone missing? But the main question was where she was? "Oh Courtney where are you sweetheart?" It was all Roger could think about. He desperately wanted to find her by all means. Once Roger arrived at the school, he met up with Mark and Courtney's teacher.
"Mark…has there been any word on Courtney?" Roger frantically asked, "Where is my daughter? Has something happened to her?"
"Mr. Davis…Courtney has been gone since lunchtime," the teacher replied, "She didn't come into class with the other students after recess and then I asked some of the kids if they know where Courtney went. I informed the staff that your daughter was missing so we did a formal search of the school with no luck. However, one of my students Jamie Miller said that he saw Courtney leave school and got on the transit bus by the bus stop in front of the school."
"You're trying to tell me that my daughter is lost somewhere in New York City?" Roger yelled in frustration and tears, "How can that happen? What on earth is going on here? Where is she? My god fuck not Courtney! I did this to her…Mark I screwed up big time."
"Don't worry Roger…we'll find her I promise," Mark replied put a hand on his shoulder, "We'll find Courtney don't worry. Courtney's teacher has contacted the police to report Courtney missing and since you were hard to contact, they contacted me since I am Courtney's legal guardian. I got a hold of Joanne and Maureen, they're searching near Central Park for her and Collins and Angel will try to hit any places Courtney would try to visit."
"Mark…can you search once more around near the school if in case she shows up?" Roger asked, "I'm going to check home to see if…she might be there. If anyone finds her please call me right away."
"Sure thing man," Mark said, "I told the others to call you if they found her."
Roger began to search for Courtney for the rest of the afternoon. He quickly drove back to the loft to see if she was home. Roger entered the apartment to see if she came home. He frantically looked all over the place, but no luck. The answer machine kept going off but it was only his friends.
"Speak!" the answer machine replied.
"Hey Roger….it's Maureen and Joanne. Listen there hasn't been any trace of Courtney at the park and no one hasn't spotted her. We'll do our best to find her. Don't worry Roger I'm sure she is safe somewhere." After the first message ended, the next message played.
"Roger…it's Collins. Angel and I still haven't found any sign of Courtney. There hasn't been a trace of her around yet. We'll keep in contact if something happens. Take care."
All Roger wanted was to find his daughter and bring her home. He couldn't bare the fact of something terrible happening to her. After the messages were done playing, Roger quickly exited the apartment. He was thinking of all the possible places to see where Courtney was. He began knocking on apartment doors to ask his neighbors if they have seen Courtney until he got to the next door…which happened to be Mimi's.
"Yes can I help…?" Mimi replied but she was stopped when she saw Roger at her door, "Oh…I'm surprised you're here in front of my door. What you're not going to rant on again for barging into your personal business?"
"It's not that! Right I don't have time to talk about that! Mimi…is Courtney here?" Roger suddenly asked, "Have you seen her anytime today?"
"I don't teach until tomorrow and that's when she has classes," Mimi answered noticing Roger's tone of voice something was wrong, "What's the matter? Roger what's going on?"
"Because Courtney is missing and I can't find her," Roger sighed, "She wouldn't have happened to drop by today would she? The school said she's been gone since lunchtime. I don't know where to look for her."
"I'm sorry Roger but I haven't seen Courtney. I'll get my coat and I'll help you look for her…but I still won't forgive you for what happened on our date."
"We'll talk about that later I just want to find my daughter please…help me find her. I'm so worried about her Mimi. I love my daughter too much and I can't bear if anything happens to her. This is all my fault Mimi you're right…I am a bad father."
"Just have faith we'll find her," Mimi assured him as the two began driving around looking for Courtney, "I assure you that you are not a bad father. Listen that stuff I said before about your parenting I was out of line…you're going through some rough times and I'm sorry."
"No I was out of line that night…not only I took my frustrations out on you but my daughter saw me ranting to my friends. I literally scared her to a point she wouldn't talk to me or acknowledge me. She asked me…if I loved her. She just wanted me to leave her alone. All the things she said to me…were the truth. I lose it too much because I'm so disgruntled about life and praying for some death sentence. She told how I never keep promises and how she doesn't believe anything I say anymore."
"I'm sure Courtney doesn't mean it Roger. You mean everything to her I can bet you. It's always you and her and parents do make mistakes sometimes. We're not perfect you know."
"I just wish…I could have taken everything back that night," Roger sighed, "I haven't got my priorities straight all my life and I've been through all this shit that I don't know how to cope with. I love my daughter so much Mimi…I just have a hard time expressing it. Any sign of her yet?"
"Nothing yet," Mimi sighed, "There are some things that Courtney doesn't know about I think and you're trying to protect her…it shows that you love her and your way of expressing it. If her mother was here…then it would be easier, but what she needs is her father. Would you know any other place Courtney would go?"
Roger and Mimi drove for hours with no sign of finding Courtney. Roger didn't want to give up hope on finding his daughter and it drove his determination of finding her harder. Mimi could see that Courtney meant everything to him and he kept beating himself with the guilt of driving her away. They searched around the community center, the neighborhood, and the school for hours until Roger suddenly figured out one place they didn't search...with that he made a quick turn and headed in the opposite direction.
"Roger…where are we going?" Mimi asked confused, "You're going the wrong way."
"There's one place we haven't searched…and I bet you that divine intervention will lead me to her," Roger said, "I think…I know where Courtney might be." Roger and Mimi drove and found themselves in front of the cemetery gates of Haven Memorial Gardens. The two of them got out of the car and they entered the cemetery desperately trying to search for Courtney.
"Wait Roger…stop look there," Mimi pointed out to a gravestone, "I think…"
"Do you mind…I'm familiar with that gravesite," Roger said as he spotted what was looking for, "I need to sort out some issues first." Roger approached the familiar gravesite of April's and he found what he was looking for…his six year old daughter Courtney. She was standing in front of the gravestone as she was tracing her figures on the edges of the text engraved in the tombstone.
"Courtney?" Roger called out, "Oh my God I found you. Courtney?" His daughter turned around and she had a distant look in her eyes.
"Daddy…is this where mommy is?" Courtney sighed crying, "Is this where I can find mommy?"
"Oh sweetie…I'm so sorry," Roger said as he embraced his daughter with tears, "I'm so sorry for everything. I should tell you sooner or later. I love you so much you don't know what I would do if anything happened to you."
"Why can't…I find mommy?" Courtney asked, "If I found mommy…then you be happy. I'd be happy too. I don't want you to yell anymore. She could promises, but you don't. Can mommy come home to make you happy?"
"She can't…because this is where mommy will stay from now on," Roger cried as he knelt facing the gravestone, "God I miss you April everyday…why is everything so messed up? Why did you have to leave alone to face everything on my own? I destroyed your life, Sophie's, and everyone else! What do I got to live for huh? If you were still alive…she would have been better off with you instead of me! I don't know what to do! It should have been me that night…but I figured out why one of us had to stay, for our little miracle girl."
"Daddy…do you love me? Did mommy love me?"
"More than anything in the world…I love you more than anything," Roger replied, "Don't ever think I never loved you because you are what kept me going. It did…but I never returned the love you showed me. I promise you Courtney…it's just you and me together forever. I swear on your mother's love for you I will always be there for you until the end. I can't do this alone Courtney…because I need you. I need your help more than ever to keep me in line."
"I don't hate you daddy," Courtney said giving him a hug, "I love you daddy. I'm sorry…for running away. I just…want to find my mommy so she can make you smile again. I like it when you're happy instead of sad, then you make me unhappy."
"Oh sweetie I didn't mean to do that to you," Roger said, "I promise you that I will love you and I will always stay happy for the both of us. At least…you now know about your mom. If you want to visit her…we'll go together next time okay? You do have that right to see her. If there is anything you want, just tell me."
"What was mommy like?" Courtney asked, "Was she pretty?"
"She was Courtney…you have her eyes that is what makes her live," Roger said, "I loved her and she loved you with all her heart. If she were alive…she would be proud of the little girl you turned out to be, even the Bon Jovi fanatic you turned out to be."
"Mommy was a fan of Bon Jovi?" Courtney smiled, "Whose Bon Jovi?"
"Your mommy's favorite band in the entire world," Roger smiled as held his daughter, "You remember that bedtime song I sang to you? When you were a baby…your mommy used to sing that to you every night. It was her song to you…Livin on a Prayer. I figured that somehow you might remember because she sang it to you."
"I know…but I have a hard time to remember," Courtney said, "I forget most of the time…can you sing it to me daddy…for mommy please?"
"Tommy used to work on the docks, unions been on strike, he's down on his luck that's tough, so tough," Roger sang as he picked up his daughter, "Gina works the diner all day. Working for man, she brings home the pay for love, for love. She says we've got to hold on to what we got. It doesn't make a difference if we make it or not. We got each other and that's a lot for love. We'll give it a shot."
By this time, Courtney started joining singing with her dad. "Oh we're half way there, oh living on a prayer. Take my hand and we'll make it I swear. Oh leaving on a prayer."
"We always have each other right?" Courtney smiled.
"Always…I promise you everything will be different from now on," Roger replied, "I swear to you on my life…as long as we got each other, we'll be alright. C'mon it's getting late let's get you home. Everyone was worried about you…and you almost gave daddy a heart attack. From now on I'll put you first before everything else. I love so much."
"I love you too daddy," Courtney smiled as she turned to the gravestone, "It was nice to meet you mommy. Daddy is happy now."
"Oh you found her?" Mimi replied as they caught up with them, "I'm glad you're safe kiddo."
"Mimi…thank you for helping me find her," Roger smiled holding his daughter, "I'm sorry…for the way I treated you. Can you forgive me?"
"I can still give you my friendship at least…but I'm glad you got your daughter back," Mimi smiled, "I'll forgive you…but I'll make sure to be cautious around you. I know you've been through a lot." By this time Roger found that Courtney was asleep in his arms, "Poor girl she must be tired. Here I can take her if you want. I know you're exhausted."
"I'm okay…I can manage," Roger insisted but Mimi took Courtney out of Roger's hands, "I hope we're okay now Mimi."
"We'll give time to know each other more for now," Mimi smiled, "There are still some things I do not know about you…but if you let me know what kind of person you are…I'll reconsider maybe going on another date with you Roger."
"Thank you Mimi," Roger smiled as the three of them headed out of the cemetery. As they were heading out Roger turned once more towards April's grave, "I promise April…this time I'll be there for her. I swear to you. Thank you for leading me to Courtney. I'll do better now."
