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I hope you like this
His eyes. Those damn green eyes. They can see me. They must see me. He is not the same man, not any more. Those eyes used show me so much life, hope, love... now. Now they are nothing but empty windows to a black soul. He is enjoying this, he is loving this. He is broken, broken, twisted and scared. He wants it all to end... it wont end, not like this.
"Please." The word echoes around my head a million times, bouncing off the darkness that traps me in this real horror. Close my eyes and look away. They wont close, they can't look away.
"Please." The word bounces back to me in a hollow vein. He can't see me. Wont see me. All he sees now is the one who changed him, broken him down to the core and rebuilt him into this m... I wont say it. I can't say it. He can't be. He is a good man. He is good. But why is he looking at me like that. Like I am the big bad, the one with the power to crush the world. Why can't he see me?
"Please." The word is sent back out there for no one to hear but me. The knife is sharp, maybe it'll be too sharp... maybe I wont feel it. Who am I kidding.... I will feel it.
"Stop." A new word, a desperate word. The word is fallowed by the sinking feeling. This is it, he is ready to do this. He can't see me. The arm moves back and then flies forward...
"STOP!" I screamed shooting up in the hospital bed. Then I noticed the blood weeping through the bed sheets. "Not again." I sighed pulling away the covers and seeing more blood. I pulled the stitches again. Third time this week. I reached over and hit my buzzer. A few short breaths later and the nurse is back in my room, fresh stitches in hand. We were all use to this now. She stitched up my stomach again and grabbed a new gown. I changed while she swapped the bed sheets. She talked to me, but I wasn't really listening.
"You have a visitor." She said softly as she left the room. I nodded half in a world of my own.
The door opened and Bobby walked in. Not the first face I was expecting to see, but least it wasn't one of the Winchesters, I wasn't strong enough to see them yet, not yet. Bobby smiled warmly and strolled into the room as if the blood stained sheet on the floor was nothing. I had to admire the guy's sheer lack of being phased by gory things.
"How you feeling?" He asked pulling me into a hug. I rested my head on his shoulder for a second and took a deep breath. It was nice to smell something other than hospitals. I pulled away and sat on the bed.
"Been better." I said softly swinging my legs off the end of the bed.
"I was talking to the doctor. He said apart from your stomach your fit to leave the hospital." Bobby said walking over to the chair and sitting down, wiggling a little to get comfortable. I didn't say anything. "Been to see Dean too, he's getting there. They took him off life support and Sam's getting Castiel to use his angel mojo to heal him quicker." Bobby carried on talking. "Though if you ask me, angels should be giving you two holidays in Bermuda or something for what you went through. All that and it was one of them after all." Bobby was talking to himself and I think he knew. I was zoning out again. All we've been through. Gotta wonder if this was just a warm up act for the apocalypse, and if it is... how is anyone meant to get through it alive...
"So when that damn angel has done it mojo, you two are coming to stay at mine until your fighting fit again." Bobby said slapping his legs and standing up. I snapped out of my thoughts and looked at him.
"Pardon?" I asked as I stopped swinging my legs.
"You and Dean. And Sam of course. Staying at mine until your all fighting fit again." He said pulling me into a hug and kissing my forehead. "No arguing. I'll come pick you up tomorrow." Bobby said and walked out. I was just sat there blank faced. Dean... seeing Dean. Seeing what I did to him...what Alistair did to him.
I was in my own world most of the day. Until a thought struck me. I should see Dean. I've been in the same hospital two weeks and I've not seen him once. Sure I asked the nurses and Cass when he popped in how Dean was. But. But I haven't seen him. I climbed off the bed and walked out my room.
"Where are you going?" A nurse asked me.
"I need fresh air. I wont pull the stitches, I promise." I said sarcastically and walked off down the corridor. I didn't know where Dean was. But I picked up a faint trace of Sam's scent. I fallowed it down a few corridors until I reached a room. The door was shut but Sam scent had been there recently, it had to be Dean's room. I could hear someone breathing softly in the room. I took a deep breath and opened the door. Dean was laid there sleeping softly. He was hooked up to a few monitors which beeped now again. I closed the door softly and walked over to his side. He looked bad. Bruises and cuts all over his body, tubes in his nose, I.V in his arm. I did this to him. He didn't have hair gel in, it struck me as so odd, seeing Dean with no hair gel. A tear rolled down my cheek. I wiped it away and sat in the chair by his bed. He started this... he started the apocalypse...I ripped him apart. He ripped me apart. He wasn't strong enough, Sam was right... so right. Dean wasn't strong enough to hold on. He wasn't strong enough to say no after Uriel forced Alistair upon me. He still cut into my flesh, herd my screams... but he didn't stop... Another tear rolled down my cheek. I wiped it away and stood up.
"Dean... I... I don't know if you can hear me." I paused fighting back tears. "I... I don't know how to fix this. How to fix what you did, what you did to yourself, what you did to me. I... I don't think we can be fixed... not truly." I took a deep breath as a few tears rolled down my cheeks. "Maybe it was for a reason... maybe god thought... split us up now... then in a few months... when, when Sam... when I die, it wont hurt as bad..." I said as tears streamed down my cheeks. "Yeah... maybe it's part of the big plan." I said wiping away the tears and taking a deep breath. I turned and walked out of the room.
Deans P.O.V
The door was opened but I kept my eyes closed. I didn't want to talk to anyone, not after what I did. I couldn't talk to anyone. How was I meant to stop this? How am I meant to fix all this! I started the damn apocalypse! And now they say I will end it?! No, no I can't I'm not strong enough... just not strong enough... The person sat in the chair next me. Must be Sammy checking up on me again. For a long time the person in the chair just sat there not talking, not really moving. It was slightly unnerving but I wasn't opening my eyes for God himself. I started the apocalypse the words floated around and around my head, a million times. Suddenly the chair moved back and someone stood up.
"Dean... I... I don't know if you can hear me." It was Megan. Megan was in the room. How was I meant to face her again after all I did to her? I ripped and cut and bled her dry just to get Alistair to talk. How could I look her in the eyes ever again? "I... I don't know how to fix this. How to fix what you did, what you did to yourself, what you did to me. I... I don't think we can be fixed... not truly." She was right. How was anything meant to be ok again? We were never going to be the same again. I just prayed that she would never remember any of it. "Maybe it was for a reason... maybe god thought... split us up now... then in a few months... when, when Sam... when I die, it wont hurt as bad..." What? Die? She's going to die in a few months? And what about Sam? I still couldn't bring myself to open my eyes and talk to her. You coward, you coward the words stung but not as much as the thought of loosing her again. "Yeah... maybe it's part of the big plan." Move! Say something! Make her stay! Don't let her walk out you idiot! The voice in my head screamed but I just laid there listening to her sob softly.
"Megan." I said opening my eyes but it was too late. She had walked out. I slammed my head back onto the pillow as tears rolled down my cheeks. She's going to die because I'm too weak to stop this...
Megans P.O.V
The next day I tore my stitches again. The nurse came in and patched me up and I just laid in bed staring at the roof, trying to push all thoughts out of my head. Someone knocked on the door. I pulled my attention in that direction and saw Bobby and Sam stood there. It was the first time I had seen Sam since... since that day. He gave me a warm smile and I forced myself to return it.
"We brought you some clothes. We herd you pulled the stitches again." Bobby said passing my back pack with my things in it.
"It'll heal..." I said not looking at either of them and opening the bag, pulling out a top and trousers.
"You look better." Sam said softly. I looked at him, staring into his eyes for a few minutes. "Did I say something wrong?" Sam asked breaking my attention.
"No...I..." I paused and pulled down the gown showing my shoulder to Sam. There was a big scar from Ruby's knife. "Looks can be deceiving." Sam looked at the scar in amazement.
"We'll leave you to get changed." Bobby said pulling Sam out of the room. I slipped my jeans on and then my top. Bobby was smart, he brought me a long sleeved top. I guessed he had seen the scars on my arms. I changed and zipped the bag up. I walked out of the room and the pair were stood talking to the doctor.
"Yes she should be fine. I am worried about her mental state however, nursers and other patients have reported hearing Miss O'Connor screaming and shouting while asleep. Whatever she went through to course the scaring on her body has left deep emotional scaring too. I advise you get her to see a professional when you get her home." The doctor said to the guys as I walked up to them. The doctor clocked me and changed the topic. "I'll give you some extra stitches which you press onto the cut and they will stick. Just in case."
"Ready to go?" Bobby asked smiling at me. I simply nodded.
"We just have to pick up Dean." Sam said and a rock smashed into my guts.
We walked down to Dean's room, Sam and Bobby making conversation and me grunting now and again. I could see in their eyes how they felt. Bobby was scared for me, scared what damage had been done to me. Worried I wouldn't get over it. Sam was plain scared. Scared I'd spill on how strong he was and how he got that way. Scared of what I'd say to him and scared to talk to me. He was guilty as sin for what he did to me, yet at the same time proud, proud he could finish something Dean started. Proud to be strong enough. We reached Dean's room and piled in.
"Bobby, it's good to see you." Dean said sounding weak. I stepped into the room and held my breath.
"Good to see you moving boy." Bobby said but Dean was looking at me. Looking right into my eyes. Searching for something, any thing. I looked into his deep green eyes searching for something too. Searching for his soul.
"Maybe we should give you guys a minute," Sam said turning from Dean to Bobby. "We'll go outside." Sam said walking past me and closed the door shut. I stood there staring into his eyes not speaking, not showing any expression. Dean blinked and looked away. He was packing a bag.
"You look good, you've healed fast." Dean said shoving a shirt into his bag. I just stood there watching him. "I guess I shouldn't be surprised... werewolf and all." He said to himself. Dean finished packing and looked at me again. "Is your throat still hurt?" He asked looking confused.
"No." I said softly. Dean nodded and the room fell silent again. We were just looking at each other. "I," I broke the silence and Dean looked into my eyes. "We should get going. I'll tell Bobby and Sam your ready." I said turning round.
"Megan." Dean said and I turned back to face him. "I...I'm sorry. Back with Alistair, I... I did..." Dean looked to the floor.
"You did a job. Simple." I said and walked out the door.
Deans P.O.V
We got to Bobby's mid day. Everyone settled in quickly. I was sat in my room thinking about the apocalypse and Megan when Bobby walked in. I'd never tell him, but Bobby was more of a father then my dad ever was. I can't explain it, but I knew Bobby would always be there to push me along.
"You ok boy?" Bobby asked walking in.
"Yeah, you know me Bobby." I said cheery and tried to push away all the pain. Bobby raised his eye brow.
"I do know you boy, that's why I'm asking. You want to talk about it?" He asked leaning against the dresser.
"Not really." I said with a smile. "I've screwed everything up. There's not much to say."
"Well, I wouldn't say that. Megan's still alive, you know who was killing the angels..." Bobby said trailing off. I guess I couldn't hide my emotions as well as I wanted to. I looked up and Bobby was watching me. "She will be ok, she is as tough as you."
"I know... but..." I looked away. But she's going to die... I shook my head and looked back up at Bobby.
"Go talk to her. Clear out the air." Bobby said and walked out the room. What am I going to say to her? Hi sorry I nearly killed you, oh I hear your going to die anyway though. I shook my head and paced around the room trying to decided if I should face her or not. Beer... now there sounds a solid solution. I thought with a smile.
Megans P.O.V
It was nice to have a room which smelt like home, instead of hospital. I collapsed onto the bed and sighed.
"Of all the gin joints in all the world, he had to walk into mine..." I said mindlessly to the ceiling.
"It was a bar, not a gin joint." Castiel said. I jumped slightly and sat up.
"It's a film Cass... what's up?" I asked sighing. Castiel was stood there looking confused. Something new was shining in his eyes. Emotion. Empathy. Humanity.
"I came to apologise." Castiel said softly moving closer to me.
"Everyone is sorry for something." I sighed as he sat next to me.
"I... I feel that you and Dean have been made to suffer when it was not needed." Castiel said softly looking into my eyes. "I fear it has made a rift between you."
"If this is to do with me protecting him. I promise Cass I will." I said folding my legs under me.
"I fear this rift wont get fixed." He said watching me closely. I looked into his face and felt that familiar calm wash over me. It gave me a perfect moment of clarity where everything became simple.
"I... I don't know if we can be fixed either. But four months is nearly up. So..." I said trailing off and looking to the floor. Cass put his hand on my shoulder and I turned to him. He looked so sad and upset, I swear if angels could cry he would have been weeping like a baby. "Cass..." I choked out feeling pretty emotional myself.
"I am sorry." He said so sincerely and with so much sadness in his voice.
"Me too..." I said as a tear rolled down my cheek. Castiel moved his hand and wiped it away rubbing my cheek with his thumb. I put my hand over his and gave him a sad smile.
"Megan, can we talk..." Dean said bounding into the room. Castiel moved his hand away quickly and I moved away from Castiel. "What the hell?!" Dean snapped looking at both of us.
"Dean," I sighed getting to my feet.
"What the hell did I just walk in on?" Dean asked glaring at Castiel.
"I came to apologise to Megan." Castiel said back in his mono tone voice.
"Really? How by kissing her?!" Dean shouted.
"Dean, he wasn't going to kiss me." I said plainly.
"Like hell!" Dean snapped. Castiel chose that moment to disappear. Dean stormed up to glaring at me. "What did I just walk in on?"
"A werewolf talking to an angel." I said plainly folding my arms over my chest.
"Don't give me that crap Megan! He was going to kiss you!" Dean shouted.
"No he wasn't Dean. Just calm down." I sighed getting mad.
"I came to talk about what happened and I walk in on you and angel boy getting it on and your telling me to calm down!" Dean snapped at me.
"Back off!" I shouted pushing Dean away from me. "Castiel came to apologise for what he did, and what's happened. He did not come here to jump my bones. You are over reacting because you'd rather fight than talk about what happened back in that room! You wanna talk Dean? Let's talk about you slicing into my body a million times over!" I said and pulled up my top showing off the scars he had given me. "Let's talk about looking me dead in the eye as you drove Ruby's knife into my guts! Or the salt down my throat! Or better yet you nearly killing me! Let's talk about that Dean!" I screamed as tears rolled down my cheeks.
"You... you remember?" Dean said looking shocked and guilty.
"Damn straight I remember." I said pushing back the tears. "Every single second." I said threw grit teeth and pushed past him and ran out of the house.
Deans P.O.V
"She was awake the whole time..." I said bitterly to myself as a tear rolled down my cheek. I never knew, I hoped, prayed she wasn't there. I.. I did...while she.... The guilt was too much to handle I started to throw things around and smash things up. Bobby and Sam came running into the room.
"What's going on?!" Bobby shouted as I punched the wall. I turned to him and his face changed. He knew. "Oh Lord..." Bobby said looking shocked.
"What? What?" Sam asked darting looks between me and Bobby.
"She was awake... through it all..." I said with grit teeth as another tear fell. I punched the wall again and screamed. I couldn't take it. Not this on top of everything.
"Go find her." Bobby said to Sam but he was frozen in place watching me smash up Bobby's place. "GO BOY!" Bobby shouted and Sam ran off. He walked up to me and grabbed my arms so I couldn't smash anything any more.
"I ripped her apart..." I screamed.
"It's ok.." Bobby said holding me tight. "It will be ok..." He said softly. "She's tough." I dropped to my knees and cried out.
After a while I calmed down to a inner guilt I was all too familiar with. I helped Bobby clean up and then started hitting the bottle. Sam walked in the room and gave me his big damn puppy eyes.
"Sam, drop it." I said bitterly sinking another bottle. Sam opened his mouth but closed it again, nodded and walked off. I sat alone drinking away the guilt.
Megans P.O.V
I ran out into the junk yard. All the way to my Camero. She was just sat there in the setting sun waiting for me. I climbed in and started to cry.
"How could he tear me apart like that?!" I said sobbing. "How can that be God's will?" I sobbed to myself. "How can I be so worthless..." I sat crying to myself late into the night. Sam and Bobby had both come by looking for me but each time I hid. I climbed out of the Camero and wrapped my arms around me because it was so cold. I walked back towards the house and stopped outside the back door. The house was silent, everyone was asleep. I crept in and closed the door softly behind me. I walked through the kitchen and stopped dead in my tracks when I saw Dean passed out on the sofa. A few beer bottles were on the floor near by. He was sleeping. He looked innocent. I noticed a blanket on the side and picked it up. I walked over to Dean and laid it over him. Dean's eyes shot open and he grabbed my writs.
"Whoa!" I said softly. Dean blinked and looked at me. He let go of my wrist and I backed away. Dean swung his feet onto the floor and stared at me.
"What were doing?" He asked sounding grumpy.
"Pulling a sheet over you, it's cold." I said plainly. Dean looked at the blanket and grunted. "Your welcome." I said softly in a huff.
"Thanks." He muttered getting to his feet. He walked towards me and I started to back up. "Please, don't." He said softly wiping the sleep out of his eyes.
"Dean, I don't want to fight." I said looking to the floor.
"Me either. But," He grabbed my hand and looked at it. "I am sorry for what I did to your body, you." He said looking into my eyes.
"Like I said its a job." I said plainly pulling my hand away. Dean looked hurt.
"Megan..." Dean protested softly.
"Dean, look, I herd everything, I know you started all this. Fine. Honestly if you hadn't I would of never met you, never fallen in love with you." I said looking into his eyes as they widened. "But saying that. I... I can't shake the thoughts of you carving me up. No matter how hard I try. I will never be able to forget the look in your eyes when you did this to me." I said pulling up my top and showing Dean where he stabbed me. Dean's face fell and his hand reached out to touch the scar. I dropped my top and his eyes met mine. "I... we... whatever we had before... love or lust. I can't... we can't." I found the words so hard to say. I swallowed hard. "I promised to protect you, get you to the apocalypse in one piece and I will... but we can't be together Dean. Not now. Not after this..." I said dropping my head. Tears fell down my cheeks.
Deans P.O.V
"Not after this.." Megan dropped her head and tears fell. My heart broke, no other words for it. I loved her, I would die for her, but she was right. In my head I knew she was right. How could we touch each other, kiss, hug... after what I did to her. After I took chunk after blood chunk out of her. I nodded even though she couldn't see and walked out of the room. I held back the pain until I reached my room. I closed the door and smashed my head against it sinking down the wall. I've lost everything I've ever wanted... I lost it all because I wasn't strong enough... not strong enough to hold on for an angel rescue, not strong enough to say no when Uriel and Castiel told me to rip into Megan to get information... I wont be strong enough to save her from dying... Another tear rolled down my cheek as I sighed hard.
"God damn you." I said bitterly looking to the roof.
Megans P.O.V
The next could of days things started to return to a normal. Not the normal we had before, we all knew that would never come back, but a normal we could all live with. I was out working on my Camero when Sam walked up to looking sad. I guessed Dean had talked to him.
"Hey." I said softly dropping the bonnet.
"Hey, got a minute?" Sam asked giving me the puppy dog eyes.
"Sure." I said leaning on my baby.
"Dean told me about you two... I just wanted to check that you were ok. I know Dean, he's acting like nothings wrong, but he's hurt." Sam said leaning on my baby too.
"These are painful days Sammy." I sighed feeling the breeze wrap around me.
"I know, but are you ok? I herd you screaming again." Sam said giving me a sympathetic look.
"I'm fine. Just a bad dream. I'll get over it. How are you feeling with the massive power boost you had?" I asked folding my arms over my chest. Sam looked sheepish.
"I... I don't know what you mean." Sam said laughing slightly.
"Don't try lying to me. I can smell it a mile off. Ruby gave you some more demon blood, it was how you pulled Alistair out of me." I said plainly.
"Are... are you going to tell Dean?" Sam asked like a kid being told off at school. I laughed and shook my head.
"Do I look like a responsible adult? Dude we've talked about this. Its a dark path to travel, but you insist on travelling it fair enough. You've been warned. But it gets in the way of me protecting Dean and I'll take you out." I said in a matter-of-fact voice. Sam's eyes widened.
"Wasn't expecting that." Sam coughed out. "You really don't care about the blood?"
"I care you idiot!" I said slapping his arm. "But, but I guess I've done all I can. I warned you, demon blood, even for me who feeds off it, it's a deep dark path and once you start its damn hard going back." I said softly.
"Huh." Sam said looking out to the cars.
"Huh, that's all I get?" I asked looking at Sam.
"Yeah." He said with a smile. "Come on Dean is getting itchy to go hunt again."
"Super." I said sarcastically as we walked back to the house.
Hope it wasn't too lame. I've wrote this like ten different ways and none seemed right but it was bugging me, so i tried to stick the best bits together
