When I started writing this story, I soon realized that with it being set during season two I was eventually going to have to deal with Gideon's departure. I was really dreading writing this chapter because it is a Reid/JJ fic, but I still needed to address Gideon leaving. I struggled trying to think of a way to write it all as one chapter (because one chapter is enough when he isn't the star of the story). So I took a few days to re-watch some key episodes before setting to work on it. I watched 'No Way Out II: The Evilution of Frank', 'Doubt', and 'In Name and Blood/In Birth and Death' (anyone know why that episode has two names anyway?)
***Speaking of those episodes, there are some really cute Reid/JJ moments there:
No Way Out 2: the pair rescues Tracy Belle from Frank's mother's apartment (and that adorable line: "No matter what happens this time, we don't split up, clear?")
Doubt: Reid ran over to check on JJ after Katie spit on her (plus they seemed inseparable all episode)
In Name & Blood: JJ finds Reid asleep at the office waiting for Gideon to play chess with him (and again they seemed to be side by side all episode!)
Now, back to your regularly scheduled author's note***
Also, this means that this chapter is set directly after the second episode in season 3. And from now on we're in season 3 territory! For those of you struggling to keep track of how far along JJ's pregnancy is, I'm putting this at about 4 months now.
Usual disclaimer: Remember, I don't own a thing here!
"Grief teaches the steadiest minds to waver." - Sophocles
The night the BAU got back from the case in Milwaukee, JJ and Reid decided to spend the night separately in their own apartments. JJ claimed she was tired and emotionally drained and said she wanted to go home and crash alone, without company. Spencer dropped her off at her place and told her that he'd see her tomorrow at the office.
Less than half an hour later, JJ's bubble bath was interrupted by a phone call. She rushed out of the tub and quickly wrapped herself in a robe before retrieving her cell phone from the bathroom counter. She knew it was Reid calling because it was her personalized ringtone for him, Christina Aguilera's "Ain't No Other Man". She wouldn't have gotten out of the tub for just anyone.
"Hello?" she answered just before the call was about to go to voicemail.
"Hey, I didn't think you were gonna pick up. Are you in bed already? I hope I didn't wake you!" replied Reid, feeling guilty.
"I'm not in bed yet. But you did manage to get me out of the bathtub, dripping wet. Is everything okay? You just left!"
"I'm sorry! Everything's fine. I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to head over to Gideon's cabin to see if he's there. He's still not answering his phone."
"Okay Spence, be careful. And please call me once you find out what's going on." JJ pauses while she wraps her hair in a towel, so as not to drench the phone. "I love you."
"I love you too. And of course I'll let you know. I know you're worried about him too."
"Alright, talk to you soon."
"Goodbye"
"Bye."
After hanging up, JJ returned to her bath. She added more bubbles and tried to relax.
The past month had been horrible: Sarah Jacobs' murder, having to rescue Tracey Belle again, going to Sarah's funeral, Gideon's return to work (which had been too soon in her opinion), the murders of the college girls in Arizona, Gideon's total disappearance, Hotch's suspension, Emily's resignation, and finally having to answer to Strauss while they were away on the case in Milwaukee.
Things were starting to get back to normal. It seemed as though Strauss was going to allow both Hotch and Prentiss to stay with the BAU.
But this thing with Gideon was gnawing on all of them. And JJ, especially, couldn't escape it. This was all that Reid talked about. Spencer had probably called him fifty times in the last few days, on different numbers, in the hopes of finding out what was going on.
JJ couldn't blame him for isolating himself. Gideon had just lost a loved one, in a very brutal way. She couldn't imagine what it would be like to walk in on Spencer's bloody corpse.
No. She had to push that image out of her head. It was all too possible that their job could lead to a terrible, untimely death. Georgia was a close call. Another few hours with Hankel, and who knows? Reid might not be here today.
Gideon deserved to be able to take time off; to get away from the FBI and the daily horror it was to work trying to stop serial killers. He'd had a mental breakdown before, a 'major depressive episode', after losing six agents to Adrian Bale's bomb in Boston. But this was worse. It hit much closer to home. In fact, it took place INSIDE his home. JJ wouldn't be surprised if Gideon decided to retire. Then another thought crossed JJ's mind; what if he turned to suicide instead?
JJ didn't know how serious Gideon and Sarah's relationship was, she'd never met her before, but she'd known of her existence. Just a few weeks before her death, Gideon had been talking about how he and his friend Sarah were going to visit his son, Stephen. By the way that Jason had emphasized the word 'friend', JJ knew that he'd meant girlfriend. Hotch had even said that Sarah was an old college friend. This all pointed to a rekindled romance, a few decades in the making.
If Gideon was truly in love with Sarah Jacobs, then it was a viable possibility that Gideon might really have turned to that option. That would explain the vanishing act and the unanswered phone calls.
Reid was heading for Gideon's cabin right now. What if he finds him dead? JJ began to cry at the thought. Gideon is like a father to him. Seeing his lifeless body would crush him! Suddenly, JJ felt very sick. She made it out of the bathtub just in time to vomit into the toilet.
As she calmed herself down, she chastised herself, 'You are pregnant, it's not healthy to get so worked up over things that might not actually have taken place.'
JJ got up off the floor, toweled herself off, drained the tub, and brushed her teeth to get the taste of vomit out of her mouth. She then headed to her bedroom to find some comfortable pajamas.
Once dry and dressed, she went to the kitchen in search of yogurt. When she was a child, she'd learned from her mother that eating plain yogurt helped settle an upset stomach, and it always did the trick for her. JJ always kept in on hand during the days of morning sickness.
She heard the Christina Aguilera song playing from the bathroom again, so she promptly retrieved her cell phone, afraid of what might Spencer have to tell her.
"Spence?"
"Hey, I'm about to leave the cabin now. Do… do you mind if I come over for a bit?" his voice sounded strained, like he was trying to hold emotions back.
"Was, was Gideon there? Did you find him?" JJ was beyond worried now. Her imagination may have been correct.
"Uh, no. He's gone. Everything's gone. The shelves were empty. He left me a letter."
"Do you know why he wasn't answering his phones?" JJ asked.
"The cabin's landline was disconnected. He left his cell phone behind. Look, I… I need to see you, honey. I need to talk to you."
"Alright, I'll leave the door unlocked. Just let yourself in when you get here. Please try to calm down, you sound like you're freaking out. I don't want you getting in an accident on the way here."
"Okay, I'll try. I love you."
And before JJ could reply, Spencer hung up on her.
TWO HOURS LATER:
Before Reid could get all the way in the door, JJ bombarded him.
"Where the Hell have you been! I have been worried sick! It should have taken you half an hour, forty-five minutes at most! I thought you were dead on the side of the road somewhere! How… how could you… why….?"
Her voice broke and she couldn't yell anymore. Instead, she collapsed, sobbing, into Spencer's sweater-covered arms.
"I'm sorry! I'm so, so, sorry. I should have called. I should have…" his voice broke from the crying, "I should have let you know. I stopped at a store. I just couldn't handle it. He's gone, Jennifer. Gideon left. He abandoned me. Just like my father did. He abandoned me, us, the team!"
"No! No he didn't. He didn't abandon you. He left because he couldn't deal with it all anymore." she took his tearstained face in her soft hands, "Spence, Gideon is dealing with a trauma. His girlfriend was murdered! He… he deserves the right to grieve. I don't blame him for needing to get away from this job where he sees nothing but death and human depravity!"
"But I need him. He is family to me! I can't, I can't do this job without him."
"Spence, you might think that, but it's not the truth. You don't need him; you are a brilliant man, and a skilled profiler. You'll be alright without him." She tried to stop the tears from falling and to calm herself down. "Imagine being in his place, what would you do if I was killed?"
"No, don't ever say that! I couldn't bear it. Just the thought of it! Of losing you." Reid shook his head.
"See? That is how Gideon is feeling. He needs to get away from it all. I don't think he'd ever intentionally try to hurt you. He probably gave it a lot of thought before leaving. I'm willing to bet that he only left because he decided you were strong enough to make it without him."
"God, I love you. Jennifer, you are the real genius in this room. I've never heard such reasoning and truth come from someone before. You are so, so right."
She smiled slightly; she was actually getting through to him!
"Now think again about what you just said, Spence. You said you can't bear the thought of losing me. How do think I felt tonight not knowing why you were so late? I called you several times! I called the police but they said they wouldn't be able to do anything unless you'd been missing for over twenty-four hours. I thought about driving around to look for you!"
"I turned my phone off." He looked into her eyes, "Jennifer, I want to let you know that I am utterly sorry, with every fiber of my being, for my behavior tonight. I am so weak. Will you ever forgive me?"
"You're not weak, Spence. You are one of the strongest people I know. And I don't have a single thing to forgive you for. If anything, it should be me apologizing to you, for yelling at you when you got here."
"You don't see it! I am weaker than weak. Do you want to know why I was so late?"
"Yeah! I want to know why you're acting so outside of your normal self."
"The first thing I thought about after reading his letter…" Reid closed his eyes. "I'm so ashamed. It was the Dilaudid."
"No, you are over that now!" JJ began to sob again, "You went to rehab! We are moving on from that."
"I stopped at a convenience store. I bought at least twenty bottles of alcohol. I couldn't stop myself… The urge to forget it all was too overwhelming. Wanting to escape myself was all that I could think about."
"Is this all in your car? You… you didn't drink any of it did you?" she didn't smell any booze on him, and she was asking because he'd just been driving.
"No, I wanted to make sure I wouldn't be impaired on the roads. And after I bought it, the only thing I wanted to do was to get home and start drinking it, all the pain, the abandonment, away. But then I thought of you. I remembered that you were waiting for me. And it took all of my willpower to drive here, to not be a coward and an addict."
"You made the right choice." JJ smiled halfheartedly then kissed Reid's wet face. She led him to the bedroom and offered him one of his sets of pajamas. They each kept clothes at the other person's apartment now.
Reid changed in the bathroom and washed his face. JJ waited patiently on her bed and saw that the alarm clock on her nightstand read 1:09 AM. Tomorrow morning was going to be torture having to get up and get ready for work. And based on how tonight had been going, JJ didn't think it was likely that they'd be going to bed anytime soon.
She knew that tonight was a major turning point in their relationship. If they could survive this, and Reid could let this urge die down, then it could do nothing but make their relationship stronger.
Spencer emerged from the bathroom and handed JJ the letter from Gideon. "I'd read it to you, but I just can't find the strength to do so."
After JJ read the letter she was quiet for a few moments. Everything she'd told Reid had been right. Gideon made sure that Reid would be strong enough to handle it before he decided to leave. Why couldn't he see that between the lines? Why couldn't this profiler who sat beside her determine this on his own? Why did he need her to tell him exactly the same thing that Gideon had? JJ was sure Reid knew every word, every letter on that piece of paper. He would have memorized it the first time he read it.
"How many times did you read this, Spence?"
"I don't know. I lost count. Why do you ask?"
"Because I read it once, and I recognized that Gideon had faith in you. He knows that you're resilient enough to do your job without him. Why couldn't you see this yourself? Why didn't you believe it until I told you the exact same thing? Why don't you have faith in yourself?"
"I mean, I do, I believe him, and you, and myself. Just judging by the fact that tonight I decided to come here instead of going home to the alcohol and oblivion. I guess I'm just not ready to believe it."
"That doesn't make any sense!" she sighed.
"I know. But I'm going to make it up to you. And to Gideon. Tonight was a time of weakness. But I am not going to relapse. I'm going to continue going to therapy sessions at New Beginnings. I'm going to listen to you and open up even more to you. I'm going to put all of my energy into our relationship because you deserve it, Jennifer. I promised that I'm going to be here to support you and the baby. And with your permission, I want going to start calling him or her OUR baby. I hope to marry you raise the child as my own. If you'll stay with me and support me through my ongoing recovery, I promise I will be the best husband that anyone could ask for."
JJ sat next to him in shock, not believing the words she'd just heard come out of his mouth. "Are you serious? Was that, like, a proposal?"
"No, I don't have a ring. That was a promise. A promise to you, and to Gideon. I know that he'd want that for us. So what do you think? Would you agree to this proposition? And before you answer, remember, I plan to propose with a ring, and to get down on one knee, the whole shebang!"
"Yes, Spencer, I couldn't think of a better way to spend the rest of my life! And I love that you just used the word shebang."
They both laughed harder than they had in a long time. JJ had never felt as happy, secure, and immersed in love as she felt right now.
Tonight was a strange night, one of so many twists and turns, and such a rollercoaster of emotions.
When the alarm clock sounded at 6:00 AM, JJ groaned. She'd gotten, at the very most, three hours of sleep.
She quickly turned off the alarm because it was murder to her ears. Reid tightened his grip around her now four-months-pregnant middle. He whispered, "It's Saturday, right? We don't have to go in to work."
"No, it's Thursday. I wish it was Saturday though." JJ replied.
"Let's sleep in. I'll call Garcia and tell her we're going to be in late."
"I like the way you think, Dr. Reid! And before we leave, we're going to get all of those bottles of booze out of your car. If I can't drink, neither can you!"
"Wonderful reasoning, dear." Spencer replied sleepily.
"One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love." – Sophocles
Yep, I used this quote in chapter 8, but I think it fits here even better! And it was a total coincidence that both of this chapter's quotes were from Sophocles.
I am unbelievably pleased with this chapter. I was dreading writing it, and it took a lot of work! But I think it came out wonderfully, seeing as when I started writing it, I had no idea where it would end up.
It was really intense writing JJ's lines yelling at Reid. I felt like at any moment she would snap and actually get physical!
Also, I don't know if the yogurt thing actually works. I Googled 'foods to settle an upset stomach' and on some website, someone commented about plain yogurt.
I really want feedback! Please review! I love to read them, I always reply, and I'm just dying to know what your thoughts are on this chapter!
