Three year old Ella ran out of her pre-school class straight into her father's arms. He lifted her off the ground and placed a kiss over her blond baby shampoo scented hair. Ella kept her arms wrapped around his neck and her legs wrapped around his waist to reassure herself that she wouldn't fall as he took her back to the car to strap her into her car seat.

Derek couldn't help but glance at her through the rear view mirror every once in a while as he drove, watching as she was deep in thought and an innocent yet curious expression on her face. "What are you thinking about, El?" he asked curiously.

Ella snapped out of her trance and looked at her father with a shy gaze. "Daddy, me wants Mommy." she whispered. "You know where she is?"

Derek shook his head. "No baby, I'm not sure where your Mommy is anymore." he answered. "But you don't need a Mommy. You've got me, and you've got Nancy and Kathleen, I know you don't like them but they love you. They'll do anything you want. And you've got your grandma...and there is Amelia but she's not exactly the best example so do what you do best and continue not paying attention to her."

"No Awmy! No Gamma, No Nancy! No no no Kawtween!" Ella exclaimed, signaling the beginning of her tantrum. She kicked the back of the front seat and crossed her arms, letting her perfectly reddish pink lips form a pout. "Me want Mommy!"

"Ella, you don't have a Mommy, okay?" Derek replied loudly, making sure that his statement was heard over his daughter's crying. "She left after you were born and I don't know where she is. But there are lots of kids without Mommies."

Ella shook her head vigorously. "No!" she yelled. "Me the only one with no Mommy in pwe-skwool."

"I meant lots of kids in the world. And maybe one day Daddy will meet someone and get married and then you'll have a Mommy. Or maybe your brain compromised mother will come to her senses and remember that she's get a child. But until than you have to be grateful for what you do have okay? And right now you've got no mother but you've got me and I love you."

The little girl nodded her head sadly, understanding that she's got no way of getting her way. She was too young to actually understand what was going on in her life but she understood the basics. She was singled out, she was the only one out of all the kids she knew to be motherless. As much as she hated it, she didn't want to anger her father any more than she already had. So she shut her mouth and pretended to be content with everything she had. But she could never be content until their little family was completed.


It had been a while since Ella had really been Ella. She's lost what once set her apart from every other child in the world. She had always been perfectly white but after her diagnosis that changed to being pale. She'd lost her enthusiasm, her perfect smile. Her ability to see the glass half full instead of half empty. She wasn't Ella anymore, she had no idea who she was. She couldn't recognize herself in the mirror if she tried.

Addison had just walked out of an exam room and was placing her patient's chart in a pile that the receptionist would file later when the elevator doors opened. She looked in that direction and a smile crept up on her face. She walked closer and only then did she notice the change in her daughter's appearance and behavior.

There was no annoyingly high pitched squeal to greet her like there normal would have been. There was no smile or any sigh of happiness. Ella could barely managed to hold eye contact for two consecutive seconds without having to look down at the ground in shame. Addison pulled her daughter into her arms, holding her tightly and placing a loving kiss over her messy hair and in that instant Ella began sobbing.

"She tends to breakdown randomly." Derek informed, while leaning to place a kiss on his estranged wife's cheek. "Hi."

"Hey." she mumbles in response, to preoccupied with the sobbing child clinging to her as if her life depended on it.

"Can I go sleep on the couch in your office?" Ella mumbled incoherently.

Addison only heard the words 'sleep', 'couch' and 'office' and tied them to form what Ella was trying to tell her. "Yeah, of course." she answered with a small supportive smile although deep down inside she was dying along side her daughter.

She watched as Ella slowly made her way into the office and saw her tiredly lie down on the couch through the open blinds. She turned to Derek and exhaled a breath that she didn't even realize she had been holding in. She was worried and nervous and all Derek had to do was look at her to see it.

"You doing okay?" he asked softly.

"I'm fine." she answered, although it sounded more like she was trying to convince herself than him.

"Because I've been married to you long enough to know that when you're nervous you lie about being okay and when you bite your lower lip than you're worried about something. And when you forget to breathe than you're scared...so don't lie to me. I know you're not fine."

"Fine, Derek... I'm not. I'm terrified for her." she admitted honestly, looking straight into his eyes and wishing she could collapse in his arms and just be held for a minute. "How is she coping?"

Derek shrugged his shoulders. "I'm not sure. She won't talk to me, she won't really talk to anyone. I don't know how she's taking it. I was hoping that she would open up to you. She was always able to open up to you before."

"Yeah, Derek Before being the keyword." Addison replied. "I mean, I'll be there to listen, to help if she lets me but we can't expect her to. After everything we've been through these last few months... she may distance herself from both of us."

"This cancer has changed her, Addison. It's like she's a different person, a whole different person. She's tired all the time, she doesn't have a social life anymore. She barely talks...and you know Ella. It used to impossible to shut her up and now she won't talk. She barely eats, she doesn't want to leave the house. She doesn't even budge if you offer her three grand in cash to go shoe shopping...Can you imagine that?"

"We have an appointment with Wyatt in an hour. He said he'd take on the case and do everything he could for us." Addison answered, her eyes brimming with tears.

"You know what I miss?" Derek asked, changing the subject less than subtly. "I miss when she was a kid.. When she was like 6 or something and she was this adorable little angel and she was like your tail...everywhere you were she was right behind you."

"See...you say that's adorable. I say that's annoying." Addison replied was a chuckle. "Try going to the bathroom with a six year old following you...and remember how that killed our sex life because she insisted on sleeping with us?"

Derek nodded, the smile on his face dying down. "You're right...that was annoying." he agreed. "But still...I wish we could have that back. Those days where we had nothing to worry about. We were the perfect couple with the perfect child, the perfect house...the perfect careers waiting for us. I want that feeling back."

"Right now all I want is for her to survive this." Addison answered. "Everything else pales in comparison. She's the reason I get out of bed every morning..."

Derek first thought was to respond with You're the reason I get up in the morning but he couldn't say that. Instead he nodded and said, "Mine too."

He had to think of some way to finally tell her how he feels. He needed her by his side if he was expected to keep his head held high during the battle for their daughter's life. He knew she needed him, too. He just knew it. But the problem was that neither knew the words to explain how they felt. Their situation just kept getting more and more complicated.

"I'm gonna go try to talk to her." Addison mumbled

"What do I do?" Derek asked, looking around at the strange people in the unfamiliar surroundings.

"Ooh, look..." Addison pointed at the kitchen where Naomi was busy consuming all the sugar she could find. "Naomi and Sam are in the kitchen arguing. You could do what you did in medical school and walk in and be so annoying that they stop screaming at each other and start screaming at you."

"Or I could go steal that chocolate from Naomi and try out this theory she has that sugar fixes everything." he answered, walking away from his wife and toward the kitchen.

Addison walked into her office where Ella was lying on the couch and tightly hugging a pillow. She sat down on the coffee table across from her and crossed her legs, reached out to tuck a strand of hair behind her daughter's ear.

"Ya' know...in LA we have these amazing things called showers. They're like a little room with this sprinkler type thing hanging from the top and when you turn it on it pours water over your body...you're suppose wash yourself under it with this stuff called shampoo and body wash. It's really amazing. I'm not sure if they've started making them in Seattle but you could use mine...I hear it's very therapeutic."

"I'm not in the mood to pretend you're funny." Ella mumbled dryly. "My hair is oily, I get it. I haven't showered in like five days. I haven't even gotten out of bed in five days, just be glad I'm here."

"I am glad you're here, El. I've missed you like crazy." Addison answered immediately, leaving no room for doubt on Ella's part. "I wish it was under different circumstances but still..."

"I tried to talk Dad out of coming here. I didn't want you to see me like this." Ella admitted sadly. "I don't want anyone to see me at my worst."

"Honey, I'm your mother. It's my job to hold you while at your worst, it's my job to reassure you that everything is going to be fine. You shouldn't have to feel like you need to hide from me."

"I don't know what to do." she said. "I'm 16 and I'm dying...I haven't even gotten my license yet. I haven't finished high school and I'm dying. How do I react to that?"

"You're not dying!" Addison exclaimed, making it as clear as she could. "Your appointment with Dr. Lockhart is in a little under an hour. Until than we don't know anything. If you really do have cancer and it's not just a cyst than we'll find out what stage it's at and what we can do. You can't give up before you even know what's wrong. Do you understand me?"

Ella looked up into her mother's eyes and nodded her slowly. "What if it's too late and there is nothing that anyone can do and I have like... a month left to live."

"Than your father and I will make it the most amazing month of your life." she replied. "But we're hoping that you have a like... a century left to enjoy."

"I don't think I can survive...it's cancer, Mom. I mean...remember that one time I fell while playing tag and cried for the rest of the day...I didn't even have a cut or a bruise or anything but I cried anyway. Well this is a thousand times worse! They're going to pump poison into my veins, Mom. They're gonna bombard me with radiation and keep me locked up in a hospital room to rot." Ella rambled nervously.

"Ella..." Addison began only to be interrupted before she could say anything else.

"And I'm terrified!" she continued. "I mean... I'm 16 and I have no idea what the hell is happening to me. I am terrified of dying and I'm scared out of my mind at the thought of having cancer. I don't know that to do! What do I do?"

"First of all, I need you to stop talking long enough to let me get more than a word in. Can you do that?" Addison asked, seeing Ella look up at her and give her a slight nod. "I know you're scared. It's natural to be scared. You're father and I are scared too. We know how you feel, we know exactly how hard this is for you. We know what you're going through. "

"I know you love me, Mom. But you can't possibly know how any of this feels. No matter how much you love me you can never feel the same pain what I'm feeling."

Addison nodded, realizing that her daughter was right. Though she could feel a painful ache radiating throughout her body it was nothing compared to what her daughter was feeling.


Jimmelfan12: Request granted. Except I have no idea how to write smut so I asked one of my friends to do it for me. It'll be either in the next chapter or the one after that, depending on when she is finished with it.

I'm not too fond of this flashback, I'm running out of ideas for flashbacks so I wrote the first thing that came to mind. I'm completly open to suggestions if you've got any. Include it in your review or send me a message. Thanks.
Had I gone with Plan A this would be the last chapter. But since we went with Plan B there are a few more chapters left to go. :)
I know the cancer is a little off topic but it will play a huge role in the Addison/Derek relationship.

Please Review!