Chapter 17: Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Roger drove for hours wondering what went wrong in his marriage to Mimi. It was true that they made have rushed into this too fast without any thought or consideration, and it was a desperate act of love…to stop one another from walking out. However, that was the main concern of why their have been second doubts in each other's minds about their marriage…it was their way of them sacrificing the lives and dreams they pursued.
"You don't understand…sometimes I feel like I married him because I loved him but it seems like love isn't enough to ensure a proper stable marriage." Roger was reminded of what he overheard of Mimi's conversation with Angel on the rooftop.
"It was more like I felt like I married Roger out of sympathy and obligation to a motherless little girl who needs a female influence in your life. I wanted the future I idealistically dreamed about when we were at the model home…but in my heart I knew it would cost Roger his future, my future, and Courtney's. It feels like…I only married him because I wanted him to fulfill his wish of giving Courtney a new mother, even if it meant I gave up the job opportunity in London."
" It was like this marriage was more like a bargain chip to keep each other from walking out to put our dreams on hold and the worst part is…a little girl was also a key player in this entire decision making. Am I a bad person for forcing someone to live a life that don't have the heart to be apart of? "
"I got what I wanted…a new mother for Courtney at the cost of Mimi's future," Roger thought to himself, "I made her marry into a future she never had her eyes set upon, nor what I wasn't prepare for. I'm in love with her…but I can't make her give up her future just for me and Courtney. Oh God my little miracle girl, I used my daughter to help Mimi reconsider going to London. Love is something too complex and complicated to figure out but I have to make things right…even if you learn about the sacrifices of love. I wasn't the victim here…she was and now I know…this is not a future we both see in the long run."
Angel and Collins' Apartment…
"He hasn't called or been back in hours and it's killing me," Mimi sighed, "Guys I think this time I seriously blew it…Roger overheard us talking Angel and I'm afraid…he might have the impression of my feelings towards why I married him in the first place."
"C'mon Meems you got to relax," Angel replied trying to calm down Mimi, "Roger loves you and Courtney a lot and you two mean everything to him."
"You can say that again," Mimi said as Collins came in the kitchen, "How's Courtney doing?"
"She's asleep on the couch," Collins replied, "It's hard answering Courtney's questions as to why her parents are fighting. She feels like she did something wrong."
"That's what is tearing me apart," Mimi sighed, "I can't cope with dealing with Courtney because as much as I love that little girl…I feel guilty of what I did to her or what I will do to her in the long run. I used her into conning Roger into marrying me and into giving up going to Santa Fe to further his dream of becoming a music producer."
"What about you?" Angel asked, "Did you consider giving up going to London for a life of marriage? Did you feel in your heart you were prepared and you knew what you were doing?"
"I was…but also I wasn't," Mimi cried, "Part of me was ready to give that up for Roger but also part of me wanted to go and pursue my dream of going to London. That is the reason why…I didn't reply to the letter. I thought about going…but I don't know what I want now. I got about two weeks to reply and take the job opportunity or else it's gone forever. Ms. McRae said it's mandatory I reply at once and she enclosed a check for airfare and living accommodations. It feels like this is once in a lifetime opportunity…but what I do want to go because it's a dream I got to remember fulfilling."
"Is that what you really see in your future Mimi?" Collins asked, "Maybe…you might have noticed you two began to reconsider the lives you wanted to pursue when you married."
"What I want to do right now is find Roger," Mimi replied, "I need to find him and I need to work things out with him. Like you guys always say forget regret right?"
"Mama are you going to find daddy?" Courtney replied as she suddenly woke up, "Please…tell daddy to come home. I don't like him away from us, and I don't like when you two fight."
"Yes I'm going to find daddy," Mimi smiled, "I promise everything will be fine."
"Daddy was saying that he feels guilty for making you not go to London," Courtney suddenly answered, "Daddy found the letter you got about the job to London and he mentioned about promising to make things right."
"Wait a minute…when did this happen?" Mimi sighed, "Roger read my letter? That's why…he took off."
"Mama, will that mean we have to move away?" Courtney asked, "I don't want to leave New York and I don't want you or daddy to leave."
"I don't know what to do sweetie…except for now we'll stay with Uncle Collins and Aunt Angel for the night okay?" Mimi replied, "I don't think it would be wise for us to be in the same place with Uncle Mark alright sweetie? Don't worry I'll try to hold everything together okay?"
Life Cafe…
A few days passed and there had been no word from Roger. Mimi was finding it difficult trying to cope on holding things together for Courtney as she was trying to debate whether or not she should go to London and take the job. Mimi was having lunch with Joanne and Maureen after she dropped Courtney off at the community center for a day camp happening. Mark entered after not talking to Mimi for the last few days since Roger disappeared.
"Hey Meems…huh listen I know you're angry at me and I'm sorry for all the stuff I said to Roger and you about your marriage," Mark said coming up to the girls, "How are you guys doing?"
"How do you think I'm doing? My husband decides to go MIA on my ass and leave me to take care of his daughter," Mimi sighed, "I'm stuck in a rut to decide whether or not I want to go to London and take that job at Avalon and I don't know if Roger would decide to head off to Santa Fe. Apart of me hates you for blabbing out the truth Mark…but as much we both didn't want to hear it…the truth comes out eventually. We married each other to investing a into a future we didn't consider. How can I tell my stepdaughter that she was the reason why Roger and I married in the first place? We put her interests first before ours and this life we're living is the one Courtney wanted…not us."
"Mimi I didn't mean to hurt you and Roger that bad," Mark replied, "I just…I just didn't want to see you guys regret missing out on the opportunities and dreams you wanted. Hey, if it isn't any consolation I haven't heard from Roger in the last few days."
"No one hasn't heard from Roger not even his work," Maureen added.
"I just wish I knew where he was and how he is doing," Mimi replied, "It's driving me crazy and Courtney is missing her dad like crazy."
"Don't worry sweetie we're here for you," Joanne said giving her a hug, "So how's Courtney getting home later?"
"Well she's at the community center because it's Kids Day there and she wanted to go. Benny said that he'll pick up her and Marcus later on and drop Courtney off."
"Hey I promise you we'll find Roger and he'll come home to you and Courtney," Mark said, "I know that you two are all that matters to him."
"What if…he chooses to go to Santa Fe?" Mimi thought, "Will I still matter to him?"
Community Center…
Meanwhile at the community center, it was Kids Day and the staff was hosting a children's day camp filled with fun and activities. Courtney was there with Marcus as the two were eating snacks by the playground while waiting for Benny to pick them up.
"What time did your daddy say he will pick us up Marcus?" Courtney asked.
"He said at around 4pm," Marcus replied, "Mommy is at home with the new baby and it's weird being a big brother. My new baby sister needs me to protect her daddy would say."
"I wish I had a baby brother or sister," Courtney said, "You're lucky that you have a new baby sister. What is her name again?"
"My sister's name is Mischa Sophie Coffin," Marcus replied, "I like being a big brother because mommy and daddy won't yell at each other too much. It scares me sometimes whenever my parents yell at each other and fight because of things. I go to my room and play with my toys whenever they do that or my grandpa picks me up. At least your daddy and new mommy don't yell at each other."
"My daddy disappeared a few days ago," Courtney sighed, "I don't know where he is and mama seems lonely without daddy around."
"Don't worry your daddy will come back," Marcus replied as he got off the jungle gym, "I want to get another box of apple juice. Do you want one Courtney?"
"Yeah I want one!" Courtney smiled, "Thank you Marcus." Courtney was heading towards the swings when her eyes widen and she smiled as Roger was standing by a tree watching her.
"Courtney! My little miracle girl!" Roger smiled as Courtney ran up to hug him, "Oh Courtney!"
"Daddy! Daddy where have you been?" Courtney replied hugging Roger, "I was so worried about you daddy! I missed you so much and you promised you wouldn't leave me or mama."
"I know and I'm so sorry for leaving you alone," Roger replied, "Have you been a good girl for Mimi while I was gone?"
"Yes I've been a good girl. Daddy were did you go?"
"I…was up at Westport for the last few days Courtney. Listen sweetie there's something I need to talk to you about…but first I want you to understand that whatever happens, remember that me and Mimi love you so much okay?"
"If you love Mama Mimi so much then why aren't you talking to her? She's worried about you and she's been sad since you left. Daddy when are you coming home? Are we still going to be a family again?"
"Oh my little miracle girl," Roger sighed giving Courtney a hug, "Can you promise to do daddy one more big girl favor? Don't tell mama that we've met today okay? I went by to the loft and I left Mimi a note so she'll know where to find me…promise me that you make sure Mimi finds the note and that she comes tonight okay?"
"Alright daddy but don't leave me please," Courtney begged, "Please don't leave me daddy."
"Don't worry sweetie I promise everything will be alright," Roger said as he spotted Benny's car, "Listen I have to go now…because I don't want Benny to know I was here okay? He'll probably tell mama okay? I want you to go home with Benny and Marcus and pretend that we didn't meet okay? Can you do that for daddy's sake? I love you my little miracle girl."
Roger gave Courtney one last hug before retreating to his hiding spot behind the trees as Courtney went to meet up with Marcus. The two kids spotted Benny's Range Rover and he drove away back to the loft. Courtney looked outside the window as Roger waved goodbye to his little girl and headed to his car back to Westport.
The loft…
After eating at the Life Café, Mimi and Mark came home while they were waiting on the arrival of Courtney. Mimi found a note place on the coffee table that was addressed to her and to her surprise it was from Roger. She opened up the note and began to read it:
Dearest Mimi,
If you are reading this note I want to let you know that I am safe and I don't want to be worried about me. I know I've worried you and Courtney about my whereabouts but I needed time to figure out things. You two mean a lot to me in this world, but with the events that have occurred lately, we have a lot to question about where we see our future going. Don't think I am trying to say I don't love you…truly I do love you and for the first time in a long time, you taught me how to love again, but it came at a price. I know you want to know where I am so I'll be waiting for you to find me…just trust yourself to know where I'll be and then we'll talk. You know Mimi what we have to talk about and don't forget…I love you both.
Love Always, Roger
"It's from Roger," Mimi said to Mark, "He was here…I can tell from this note."
"And what did it say?" Mark asked, "Did he tell you where he is?"
"No…but I know where to start," Mimi replied, "Mark do you mind if I borrow your car and watch Courtney for awhile for me? I…need to see Roger."
"Of course I'll keep an eye on her," Mark said as Mimi left, "Mimi…tell Roger I'm truly sorry, to the both of you I know he loves you and I shouldn't have said those things to you two. I know truly he loves you and you love him…I just don't want you guys to regret doing something that will hurt both your hearts. Can you do that for me?"
"I will Mark…I'll tell Roger," Mimi said as she left the building.
"Mimi! Hey I brought Courtney home!" Benny replied as she passed him outside the building.
"Thanks Benny," Mimi said as she turned to Courtney, "Sweetie mama has to go out somewhere okay? Uncle Mark will look after you okay?"
"Are you going to bring daddy home?" Courtney asked, "Tell daddy to come home."
"We'll see Courtney, we'll see okay?" Mimi said as she drove off, "Wait for me Roger please?"
Westport…
Up at the model home in Westport, Roger brought his old radio and he began to play "Hallelujah" by Jeff Buckley. He was strumming the tune on his guitar and listening to the song it played. He was hiding out in Westport the last few days camping out there like he did back on Memorial Day weekend. He looked at the doorframe waiting and then he looked at the envelop next to him…all needed to do was wait.
"I
heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased
the Lord
But you don't really care for music do you
Well it
goes like this:
The fourth, the fifth, the minor fall and the
major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah...
Well
your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on
the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrough ya
She tied
you to her kitchen chair
She broke your throne and she cut your
hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah..."
"I knew…I find you Roger," a voice said as he looked and it was Mimi, "You were waiting for me to come weren't you?"
"I hoped you showed up but knew where to look did you?" Roger asked. "I knew you find me."
"Look about what happened…Roger please I don't want you to think I never loved you or that I married you just to make you gave up your dream. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me in so long and being with you and being with Courtney has made me open up to things I never imagined."
"That's how I felt about you too Mimi…I truly did. But I didn't want to be the one that made you live a life you or I didn't see with one another. I see someone who is in love with my kid and in all those years I've never been happier than to have someone make her smile and look at life differently than you do. We saw a life for my daughter and we didn't think about what we truly wanted…like you said it was guilt and obligation that made us marry each other or maybe desperation. I made you give up London, I made you put your dreams of dancing on hold and the worst part is…I used a kid to help me achieve it."
"So where do we go from here then?" Mimi sighed, "I just want to know something Roger…did you really wanted to marry me out of love or you just married me so Courtney could be happy having the family she wanted?"
"I don't know it's too hard to think about it," Roger replied walking around, "You remember when we were up here back on Memorial Day weekend? I told you about the future I saw with my family one day back then…with April and Courtney, and then after April died I put that on hold and buried myself with the guilt of her death. Being back here reminds me of that dream of a happy family life Courtney and I could have forgetting all the struggles we've been through and maybe one day, finding myself all over again living."
"Roger don't think I'd didn't marry you out of obligation to Courtney," Mimi replied putting a hand on his shoulder, "I married you because I loved you and I still do but…"
"We both want something more than the lives we're living right now…a chance to remember the dreams we had…what we worked for all this time…" Roger pulled out the envelope and gave it to Mimi which contained a plane ticket to London, "Your dreams…don't give it up because you may never have it back. I know this is what you want and I won't stop you because I don't want you to regret it in the future…even if it takes you to London."
"Roger no I can't…I don't want to leave you behind in New York maybe other job opportunities will come up…we can make this work," Mimi started tearing up, "What about you and Courtney? What about us?"
"We did…have our fun but I know in your heart this is what you want and what I want is far different and it's on the other side…even if I have to move away from here to take it. The flight is one way and it departs next week…you still have time and I want you to go live out your dream for you and me. Don't worry about me and Courtney we'll be fine cause I'm leaving too and I'm coming back for Courtney soon."
"Leaving what do you mean you're leaving where are you going? Oh god Roger tell me you didn't accept…"
"I handed in a two weeks notice already and notified Cardigan Records I'll be down in Santa Fe by the end of next week," Roger said, "I know you can't lie to me that you don't want to go to London just like I can't lie to you about Santa Fe. We leave the same time next week just to be on the safe side and arrive there early."
"I guess yes…I can't lie just like you can't lie to me Roger. You wanted me to live out my dream and now…I want you to live out yours for the both of us. You worked for this all your life and I understand…I won't stand in the way. So that's settled then…we both leave by next week to pursue our dreams and along with that you take Courtney with you. Promise me one thing when you leave? Don't forget about us okay…because you're the best thing that ever happened to me."
"No it's the other way around…you don't know what you mean to me and I'm not afraid to tell you that I loved you and through you I learned how to live and love again thanks to the two of you and I am grateful for that," Roger said as the two began to kiss, "I always wanted to do something ever since we got married and now knowing that this one will be a really long break for us…we never had a wedding night did we?"
"No we just had that dinner at Denny's that's all," Mimi slightly smiled as they embraced, "Is there something on your mind?"
"One night only…stay with me here?" Roger asked, "Just to live out what we could have imagined here in this house for one night…our future together just for today."
Mimi didn't reply except she leaned closer to Roger as the two began to kiss. Roger kissed her back as he pulled her closer and wrapped his arms around her waist. Mimi pressed her head against his chest as the two fell back on the floor as Mimi closed her eyes and let everything runs its course…for a night she wouldn't forget.
One week later…
"You promise to call me when you get in?" Mark asked as he helped load the last of Roger's stuff in the U-Haul, "Roger…you two don't have to do this."
"Mark…we already made up our minds and besides Mimi and I are leaving on good terms and this is a decision we both made," Roger replied, "Where's Courtney?"
"She's over there saying goodbye to Joanne and Maureen," Mark replied pointing to her.
"You promise that you would call me?" Courtney asked Joanne and Maureen.
"Oh sweetie you'll always be our favorite niece no matter what," Joanne smiled giving her a hug, "I know it's hard moving but we promise everything will be alright."
"Yeah and if you need us…we'll be on our way to Santa Fe in no time," Maureen replied, "You keep your dad in line for us okay?"
"I wish…we didn't have to move and mama wasn't leaving for London today," Courtney sighed as she walk towards Roger.
"When is Mimi coming out?" Roger asked as Collins and Angel brought the last of Mimi's luggage out.
"The taxi won't arrive for another twenty minutes," Mimi sighed as Roger shut the U-Haul and loaded his guitar into the car, "I guess…this is it then? I promise to call you when I get in."
"I'll do the same for you too," Roger sighed as the two kissed, "Courtney…c'mon sweetie don't be stubborn you have to say goodbye to Mimi."
"It's not fair!" Courtney yelled, "I don't want to go! I don't want mama Mimi to go to London! I don't want to move to Santa Fe you promised we be a family! You lied to me daddy you lied!"
"Listen Courtney it will be alright okay?" Mimi said hugging the little girl, "I know it's hard but you'll be okay because you got your daddy with you it's always you and him okay? If you ever need anything I will be there for you because…I love you more than anything. No matter what to me you'll always be my little girl okay?"
"You promise?" Courtney asked.
"I promise," Mimi replied, "You take care of your dad for me will you?"
"I will don't worry," Courtney replied as she got into the car, "I love you mama."
"Mimi listen…" Roger replied as the taxi showed up, "No matter what I'll always love you wherever you are…I'm so sorry."
"There's no need to apologize Roger I know," Mimi replied as the two kissed, "You already told and you proved it…I love you too but this is how things should be. We better be going on and don't turn back you hear me? Don't turn back and we won't have to see each other leave."
"Baby
I've been here before
I've seen this room and I've walked this
floor
I used to live alone before I knew ya
I've seen your flag
on the marble arch
But love is not a victory march
It's a cold
and it's a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah
There
was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But
now you never show that to me do ya
But remember when I moved in
you
And the holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew
was Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah..."
After the two exchange their final kiss, Roger promised not to turn back and see Mimi leave into the taxi. Angel and Collins loaded her luggage in the trunk of the taxi as Roger got into his car with Courtney and began driving off on the road to Santa Fe. The others watched as their two friends parted ways and Mimi was making her way to the airport in one direction while Roger and Courtney went the other. The two of them were crying and resisting not to turn around to see each other cry.
"I just wish I didn't have to say…goodbye love," Roger and Mimi thought to themselves.
(Author's Notes: Sorry it's been awhile since I last updated but I hope you enjoyed the latest chapter. The song featured in the chapter was Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah" and I wanted to include this in the chapter. I hope you all enjoyed it and keep sending in those reviews. I'll update soon…)
