Chapter 18 Without You
(Author's Notes: Okay so many of you guessed there has been over a three year gap since I last updated this story but a lot of stuff has been happening. I wasn't sure how I'm going to end this story but thanks to some inspiration and creative thinking I am now ready to resume work on this story. On a brighter note, I finally got to see RENT at the Canon Theater in Toronto on Jan 20th and this was the reason why I wanted to resume writing the story. I absolutely loved the show especially finally seeing Adam Pascal and Anthony Rapp live with the Broadway Tour cast. Though it's sad that the tour will officially end on Feb 7 at least it was an honor to achieve one of my goals to see my favorite musical live on stage. To those out there who love RENT I suggest to all of you to see it before it ends. Anyways, for those who followed the story from the beginning again my apologies for the long delay and hope you still continue to read and send in reviews. Thanks!)
New York City...
Six weeks passed since Roger, Mimi and Courtney all left New York City and the loft became quieter and lonely for Mark without their company. Actually, it's been six weeks since Mark and his friends witness probably what many of them thought was the end of the Davis family. Roger took Courtney with him to Santa Fe, New Mexico to pursue his dream of working with Cardigan Records while Mimi ended up taking the teaching job at the Avalon School of Dance in London, England. No one knew what the future will hold for Roger and Mimi's marriage with both of them on completely separate ends from each other but their departure left an impact on their friends back in New York. Mark was editing some footage for one of his latest documentaries and looked around the loft. They were still a few things that the three of them left in the loft that they couldn't take with them such as Courtney's piano, one of Roger's old Fender guitars, a shelf full of books that belonged to Mimi and a few other items. A minute later he heard the phone ring and answered it.
"Hey Mark it's Joanne I thought I drop by." Joanne replied as Mark tossed the key down to Joanne.
"Hey Joanne come right up I'm not busy or anything." A few moments later Joanne came up but Mark noticed she was accompanied by a little girl who looked roughly the same age as Courtney. "How's it going what brings you by?"
"Oh nothing well I had my day off at the office so I thought I check up to see how things have been for the last six weeks. Maureen's been busy with another upcoming protest and plus it was a perfect opportunity for me to deal with some personal stuff today."
"That's nice to hear." Mark said looking at the phone. "I know what you're thinking...if Roger or Mimi might give one of us a call. It sucks not having them around."
"Tell me about it...I know it's hard to be in this loft alone that's why we all come by just to see how you are doing Mark."
"I've been having all of you guys check up on me, especially Collins and Angel their always up here with me every night hanging so I don't get bored or lonely without Roger, Mimi and Courtney around. By the way Joanne...whose the kid with you? Usually you never bring anyone along to the loft with you besides Maureen is she related to you?"
"Sorry about that...Mark this is Hazel," Joanne introduced the little girl to Mark. "Hazel this a good friend of mine...Mark Cohen say hello."
"It's nice to meet you Mr. Cohen." Hazel said shaking his hand. "Oh cool you have a digital keyboard. Hey I have a harmonica maybe it'll be cool to play two at once. Is it okay if I can play on it?"
"I have no problem with that sure knock yourself out." Mark helped Hazel turn on the keyboard. "I guess Roger left some sheet music and piano books that he bought Courtney to help her learn how to play. Help yourself to play whatever you want."
"Thank you Mr. Cohen." Hazel smiled. "I appreciate it."
"Hey call me Mark...besides Mr. Cohen makes me feel old. She's a pretty cute kid kind of reminds me of someone."
"Yeah and even her birth certificate proves her namesake...Hazel Jefferson-Benet." When Joanne mentioned Hazel's last name Mark's reaction and expression simply told her that he was stunned. However, for Joanne at least she was okay with Mark's response compared to when Maureen found out the truth about Hazel awhile back. The two of them heard Hazel playing a jazzy rendition to "Georgia on My Mind" and the harmonica solo played by her that surprised both adults in the room. "Hey don't look surprise...on second thought that was the reaction I tend to get from my friends when they find out the truth about Hazel."
"Hazel Jefferson-Benet...is she really your daughter?" Mark asked surprised. "Why? How did this all happen? You never mentioned her to anyone until now? Does Maureen know about her?"
"Of course she does and apparently my daughter proves that like Maureen I too was involved with men at one point or another in my life. Hazel lives with her father and stepmother in Brooklyn and currently he has custody of her. I only get to see her about usually four times a month and on holidays we split time with her. Hazel's dad, aka my ex-husband was some guy named Peyton Benet I went to law school with a long time ago. I got pregnant with Hazel after a one night stand with Peyton during our last year of law school. There was this wild graduation party for us as the graduating class that year and I apparently experimented on one my friend's stash of crystal meth."
"Straight lace Joanne wow...just when I thought you were a hardcore lesbian this actually surprises me that not only you have a daughter, but you were once married and you at least experimented with crystal meth one time." Mark poured some coffee and gave it to her. "So what happened next?"
"Peyton helped me back to my dorm room that night and pretty much I was really out of it and one thing led to another although I was pretty high that night. The next morning I managed to settle down and six weeks later after graduation I found out I was pregnant and told Peyton about it. Peyton and I eloped and we were married for about a year until we mutually agreed to split as my sexual orientation began to shift and he had eyes for some other woman. We had a good thing going on but the only reason for the marriage was for Hazel's sake. I gave him custody of Hazel with the agreement for visitation rights every other second weekend of the month and holidays. I love my daughter but sometimes I feel like I wish I could be there for her everyday instead of being with her on the days I could see her...it's something I told Roger before."
"Roger also knows about Hazel being your daughter? When did this happen?" Curiosity got the best of Mark wondering why Joanne would share something personal with a person like Roger. "I guess he knew long before you told Maureen or anyone else."
"I told him after April died and he started using again after April's funeral occurred and everyone in Roger's family deserted him except us. Someone had to at least find a way to snap him out of his downward spiral trance. I remember we confronted Roger with that intervention we threatened to take Courtney away from him if he didn't clean up his act. I told him about what happened when Peyton and I split and how his family wanted him to completely lock me out of Hazel's life because of my lifestyle choices. For Peyton and Hazel's sake I kept my distance for years so his reputation wouldn't be ruined for getting dumped by a lesbian. I told Roger he's lucky to have something to live for and someone that looks up to him who he could be with everyday while I had to wait twice a month for a year to spend with my daughter. Out of 365 days of the year I only get to spend maybe less than half of the year with my daughter because her grandparents' on her dad's side don't feel I deserve to be part of my daughter's life. I asked Roger that question one night how he would feel if someone told you were only allowed to see your kid this many times a year because some despises the lifestyle you live?"
"You were the one that snapped him out of his trance when it came to the prospect of losing Courtney? I remember it was when he was going through the whole withdrawal period and there were times we were scared he'd relapsed. We did scare him that one night when you and Maureen took Courtney for a week while Collins, Angel and I made him go cold turkey to get all the smack out of his system. He went ballistic when his daughter was gone and we painted the picture of him if he didn't clean up then the one thing that needed him in his life would be gone. That was Roger at his low point but look at him now...it looks like there's life still left in him."
"I know Mark and that's why him and I bonded over the fact that people were judgmental of the choices we made in our lives that we didn't deserve to have our kids around. After the whole withdrawal phase he asked me one night what it felt like when I gave Hazel to Peyton after him and I split. I told him it hurt a lot because there were still people I knew who were judgmental about my life choices and I told him that his destructive behavior would put him in a situation like mine if he didn't change. I wonder if Roger and Mimi are doing okay right now. They're both fragile and in vulnerable states when they left but it's more likely those two need to figure out some things still."
"You're definitely right about that one." Mark replied as he looked at Hazel. "I got to say Joanne you're lucky to have a daughter like Hazel around. I just wish...Roger and Mimi were here back in New York because they're leaving really got the best of us."
Santa Fe, New Mexico...
Meanwhile in Santa Fe, Roger came home from another late day at the studio and found Courtney asleep on the couch. He paid the babysitter who turned out to be some sixteen year old girl in his building named Nora for watching his daughter. They didn't know much people since their move but luckily his neighbor Nora welcome them to the building. She offered to look after Courtney anytime if Roger needed to work and he was satisfied with at least knowing someone who could keep an eye on his daughter. Ever since Roger and Courtney arrived in Santa Fe about six weeks ago it was spending almost every waking day at Cardigan Records in the recording studio. The record company set up Roger with an apartment to live in with Courtney located in the downtown area. It wasn't a bad place to live in and it wasn't too far away from the record company. However, for the last six weeks Roger found the hours tiring spending almost the entire day in the studio and it was beginning to affect Courtney.
"I'm finally here in Santa Fe living my dream...going for my one blaze of glory." Roger thought. "Why doesn't it seem like this is the blaze of glory I'm looking for? Why do I feel like my heart suddenly doesn't have the passion or the drive? What am I missing or why do I suddenly feel down?"
"Daddy you're home...it's almost nine o'clock at night why are you home late?" Courtney asked waking up from the couch.
"I'm sorry sweetie but I got held up at the studio and daddy needed to work a bit late than later. I'm so sorry but I hope you were good for Nora tonight."
"Why wouldn't I be? Besides she's a nice lady and she's fun to play with. I see my babysitter more than I see you every night." Courtney started pouting and he could tell that she was upset. "You tell me every night that you have to work late for me but you promised we spend time together when we moved! You're not around to play with me much or tuck me into bed because you're always working!"
"Baby you have to understand that this is for us...remember our one blaze of glory right? I know that I've been working a lot ever since we moved and you feel that I haven't spent enough time with you, my little miracle girl. I know we're hundreds of miles away from everyone we love and care about and you miss everyone. It's okay to feel homesick sometimes...are you feeling homesick that you miss everyone back in New York?"
"I really miss New York and I miss the loft." Courtney sighed looking out the window. "Uncle Mark is still probably up filming stuff again with his video camera. Aunt Maureen probably will show me one of her new acting shows to put on and maybe ask Uncle Collins and Aunt Angel what they think. Uncle Benny will still ask Uncle Mark about the rent while Aunt Joanne is probably talking about helping others in our neighborhood. Daddy...what do you think mama Mimi is doing right now in London? Do you think she's alright? I wonder if it's cold in London because she's all the way across the ocean. I really miss her a lot it doesn't feel the same without her around. Do you miss mama Mimi?"
Suddenly the thought of Mimi popped into Roger's mind and it was something that tugged on his heartstrings. In the last six weeks him and his daughter have been in Santa Fe he only talked to Mimi once to tell them that the arrived safely. Was there a day that has gone by that he ever thought about his wife? Courtney may only be seven years old but Roger knew he could never lie to his daughter or hide what he was feeling. In all honesty his thoughts were always on Mimi and he deeply felt alone without her around. The reason being was because Mimi was the one that brought the best out of him and became his saving salvation. He was able to find love once again but letting her go he wouldn't hold her back from achieving her dreams. Roger decided to pull a noble on her by sacrificing his heart's desires for her by telling her to go to London.
"Everyday...it doesn't feel the same without her doesn't it? Not a single day goes by where I miss Mimi and everywhere I go I see her." Roger said sitting on the couch with Courtney. "You know what babe I think Mimi was probably the best thing that happened to us, our little family . I'm a whole different person because of her and before I met Mimi I was someone else who was really sad and very depressed because of what happened to your mommy all those years ago. When there were times no one wanted to be there for me except you and my closet friends she taught me to let go of the past. I spent years trying to heal, move on but sometimes my past would haunt me but she was always there somewhat as my saving grace. I know this is something you might not understand because this is adult stuff but I wanted to share with the next person I could confide in which is my little girl."
"Who was the person you used to tell your secrets to?"
"Someone who is across the Atlantic Ocean trying to find her one blaze of glory. Oh dammit suddenly I'm feeling homesick and I'm missing everyone...even your Uncle Mark and his camera. I'm thinking right at this moment Mimi is thinking about us too and so is everyone else back home. I thought coming here this was the dream we wanted, what I longed for, our one blaze of glory. It doesn't feel right without sharing it with the people who matter and love you."
"Do you really love mama Mimi daddy?" Courtney asked. "If you loved her than you would have asked her to come with us."
"But it wouldn't seem right to hold back someone from pursuing their dreams. Mimi's dream is to become a great dancer and deserves a chance at that although it meant giving up my marriage to her. I'm sorry I couldn't give you the mother you wanted and if I could I do anything to make it up to you. Tell me what you want daddy to do sweetie?"
"I want to go back to New York where everybody is. I don't like it here in Santa Fe it's not what I thought it would be because I'm not happy."
"It doesn't work that way baby we can't just pack up again and move back to New York. We came here for a reason and we have to live with the decision we made." Roger sighed. "Listen we have to move on and daddy and Mimi are where they should be."
"You're wrong and you broke your promise that we always be a family! Where's our family daddy?" Courtney suddenly yelled. "They're not here because there back home where we should be! Mimi should be with us to but you sent her away to London! You lied to me that this will be good for us! I hate it here! I want to go back to New York! We shouldn't be here! Why can't we go back to New York? Why can't Mimi come back?"
"Because you can't get always get what you want Courtney!" Roger suddenly yelled back at his daughter shocking her. "That's why Mimi only married me because of I made her by using you to do so!"
"You're...wrong that's not true." Courtney stepped back before heading to her bedroom slamming the door. "Daddy what do you mean by that? I want to know!"
"Oh god listen sweetie I'm sorry...I didn't mean...I mean listen baby..." Roger couldn't stop Courtney from going to her bedroom but unfortunately she locked the door and started crying. "Courtney! Courtney! Open the door baby come on! Courtney!"
"Leave me alone! I don't want to talk to you! I wish mama Mimi was here! I wish Uncle Mark was here! I wish everybody was here! We shouldn't have never come here!" Courtney yelled from her bedroom. "I hate we moved here! I hate you for not being home! Being here makes me sad daddy and it will make you sad too! This is the worst thing you ever did and I hate you for it! I hate you!"
Roger just kicked the couch out of frustration and slump down on the couch again thinking. He looked at the picture of him, Courtney and Mimi at Coney Island. It was just a few months ago but it seemed like a lifetime ago he was happy. "I should tell you, I should tell you...never to go to London." It was the thought that ran in his mind when he stared at Mimi in the picture. "You made me smile, made me feel like living again and helped me with Courtney. I should tell you, I should tell you...without you I'm lost once again." He went to the phone and dialed a phone number that he desperately wanted to dial. A few moments later he ended connecting to the operator and the call was going through.
London, England...
Meanwhile, Mimi found herself getting up again in the middle of the night rushing to the bathroom once again throwing up. Six weeks passed since she arrived in London and right away she found herself being thrown into work. Unfortunately, the pressures of her new job were beginning to take both a physical and mental toll on her. Mimi found herself still awake during the night thinking about everyone back in New York, and most importantly Roger. She thought this was something she wanted and this was her dream and she was finally living it out. Mimi headed to the bathroom feeling nauseated once again throwing up what she ate for dinner. This was the last thing she couldn't think about and she spotted the paperbag purchase from the drug store she got earlier but didn't bother looking at it. She spotted the last two purchases in the trash can but didn't want to think about the possibilities. Her thoughts were interrupted when she heard the phone ring wondering who could be calling her at this hour of the night.
"Hello?" Mimi softly replied.
"Hey Meems...it's Roger." She swallowed her throat feeling a lump in it for a moment hearing his voice on the other line. Mimi didn't notice herself tearing up but it was the first time in six weeks and it was something she longed to hear. "Mimi?"
"Hi Roger I'm surprise...you're still awake."
"I know just couldn't sleep. I'm guessing this is a bad time to call and I'm aware of the time difference."
"It's no problem...I've just been having problems sleeping at night." Mimi replied. "Probably still not used to the time difference that's all."
"How are you doing?" Roger suddenly asked. "I mean...how's London?"
"London's going great though it rains a lot here during this time of the year but it's good." Mimi only told half the truth and didn't want to tell Roger that something wasn't right. "The new job is pretty demanding and requires me to be in good shape. How are things down in Santa Fe?"
"I can't complain I'm finding my one blaze of glory, living out my dream." Something in Roger's voice express some sort of regret and distance that Mimi sense from where she is right now. "I'm glad...you're doing good in London."
"Same to you Roger and technically we're still married legally. How's Courtney doing?"She heard Roger mumble on the other end. "Oh dammit please don't bring that up." Mimi knew something was up. "Roger? What's the matter? Hey just because I'm across the Atlantic it doesn't mean I can sense something is wrong. I'm still your wife so you can tell me what's up."
"I had a fallout with Courtney and literally she's back to resenting me." Roger sighed. "Ever since we moved to Santa Fe the job at Cardigan Records has been keeping me from spending time with my little miracle girl. I promised her we be a family and by moving to Santa Fe things will get better from here on out. To make the long story short she hates it here, she wants to go back to New York and she really misses you a lot. We haven't called the others back home much since we got settled in."
"Give her some time to cope with the move Roger." Mimi answered. "You know what it's like for kids when they move to a new city they feel scared and nervous. You have to be there for Courtney because she needs her father. I know it's hard being on your own with your daughter in a new city without any help but you two are where you want to be as father and daughter. You guys are living out your dream together."
"My daughter told me moving to Santa Fe was the worst thing I ever did and she hates me for it. She threw a tantrum and locked herself in her room yelling at me. She told me I'm going to be unhappy being here but this is my dream. She wants to go back to New York but then I told her you can't always get what you want...it was something I used to hear from April sometimes. I don't know why she used to say that but then I shouted that to my daughter and she got upset. Suddenly we're not seeing eye to eye and things are beginning to go downhill again with my daughter. I feel that if I stay here...then I'm going to mess things up with Courtney and I got no one to help me. "
"Do you think going to Santa Fe was the best thing for both of you Roger? Maybe your daughter is trying to make you see something you're not realizing. Perhaps when you told her you can't always get what you want maybe is applying to someone else instead. However you're forgetting the other half of that phrase as the so called philosopher Jagger once said...that if you try sometimes, you just might find you get what you need. Maybe April had her reasons to say that to you while she was around it's something you should consider. Sometimes you come to realize in your life that the things we originally plan and the dreams we wanted from before change because it happens. Instead of pursuing the dreams we hoped for, probably we might have gained something different that maybe for the better. You're looking for one blaze of glory in Santa Fe but what about the one blaze of glory you have right now? What about the one blaze of glory that you didn't know you had already?"
"Santa Fe wasn't what I expected it to be...and this job I thought was the best thing that happened to me. I talked about what it would be like to move to Santa Fe work with some of the best names on the west coast but I haven't considered how it effected Courtney. I dragged her halfway across the country away from the people she loves, her friends just so I can get a shot at fulfilling my dream. Maybe I lied to myself about why I moved...but like they always say everybody lies. My mind tells me that this was for the best but my heart is torn and I feel this emptiness inside of me. No matter what I do I wonder if I can ever escape my pain and the shadows of my past. I did have everything I needed back in New York and my daughter is right...we were happy back home."
"What did you say?" Mimi asked quietly. "Roger?"
"I...I...I miss you." Roger finally said the words not realizing he teared up a bit. "I should have told you...actually I should tell you...never to have gone to London. God dammit I was too late to tell you and scared because I thought I was holding you back from what you wanted Mimi. If I gave you a way out of our marriage, out of our relationship then I did what I had to do. The best thing that ever happened to me, the thing that helped me heal from all the crap I dealt with for over six years was you. Without you...I feel like I'm a walking shadow all over again. I wanted you to be happy although it killed me inside to say goodbye and tell you to follow your dream for both our sakes. It hurt when I realized that maybe...I had a better that I found from the one I thought I wanted and sent it away on a plane to London."
"Why are you tell me this now? If I heard you say that to me six weeks ago then I should have told you...actually I should tell you...don't go to Santa Fe." Mimi was starting to tear up on her end of the phone and hearing Roger finally confess what she was feeling the last six weeks just hurt her too much. How did it come to this? It was the thought that was running through her mind and talking to him after all this time brought the feelings they tried to hide from each other. "Did you think this was what I wanted? If I knew this is what you felt that you actually felt the same way I did six weeks ago then I would have asked the taxi driver to turn back to that loft, but I told you not to look back. Roger I wanted to marry you because I love you and I wasn't in it just for Courtney's sake. We were happy and what we had was real...there's no denying that and the life we had in New York was what made us happy. You told me to go...I went and it's not the same being in a nice foreign city like London without sharing the experience with the person you're in love with. So thank you...for making me say that...I miss you too."
"I'm sorry...for everything and if I fought for us then we wouldn't be on different spectrum of the world. Being with you and Courtney together living in the loft felt like that old feeling I had before came back and I felt alive for once. I thought I lost that feeling after April died but the day I met you I found a different dream, a different one glaze of glory. I lost one person I gave my heart to six years ago...tell me if there is still a chance for us. I can't...I can't lose another person I love."
"I wish it was that simple to just tell you...but we made our choices," Mimi sighed. "It hurt not to get out of that cab and shout to you not to leave New York, not to go to Santa Fe and that I found a better dream than the one I wanted. I don't know what's going to happen to us and I'm feeling the same thing halfway across the Atlantic that I can't lose you. However...whatever we decide in the end somehow we got to move on. It sucks feeling this way...and I go to sleep every night thinking about you. I need time...to figure out things, we need time."
"And I'll give that to you..." Roger answered as he noticed he was running out of minutes on his call. "I'll wait...I'll wait for you no matter how long it takes I'll wait for you. I should tell you...I love you."
"I should tell you...I love you too." Mimi slightly smiled on her end. "I...got to go it's late on my end here. You'll be fine Roger, both you and Courtney take me on my word."
"I always do and she misses you a lot." Roger said hanging up the phone. "Have a good night Mimi...I promise I'll be fine for our sakes."
The two of them soon hangup after speaking to one another. Mimi knew it was already late in the night but she couldn't sleep much these past six weeks since she arrived in London. It came to the conclusion that both of them regretted following the dreams that they originally wanted and as time passed they found a different dream with each other. "How did we get here?" Mimi thought. "How the hell did things just end up this way?" Everything was a mess to her and her eyes kept on staring at the paperbag in her bathroom and she knew if she looked inside the bag she figured things would be complicated. However, when Mimi looked into the paperbag she pulled out the stick and closed her eyes knowing why suddenly everything changed.
