Addison wasn't sure why she was in Seattle, at least not anymore. She didn't know whether Derek thought she was stupid and didn't realize that he wasn't in love with her but a different woman. She didn't know if he thought that she was possibly blind and didn't see the way he'd throw himself at her. But she knew for a fact that she was no longer the love of his life.

Everyday she'd sit alone during lunch and pretend not to see all the other couples showering one another in affection. Most of the time, Derek would do everything he could to avoid being on break at the same time as her. If he couldn't work his schedule out that way than he'd volunteer himself in the ER until she was gone. Today was an exception. She watched him walk out of the cafeteria to outside seating area and she knew he saw her. However, instead of going to sit by her he went directly for the table that Meredith and her friends were seated at.

Derek placed his tray on the table and sat down next to the woman who'd stolen his heart without ever intending to. She looked at him with her brow quirked up. "Why are you sitting here?"

"Why not?" he responded with a smile as he unwrapped the sandwich he'd bought.

"Because your wife is sitting all by herself like two table away. I mean, I've never been married so correct me if I'm wrong. But don't married people usually sit next to one another?" Alex Karev answered in Meredith's place. Unlike Meredith, he didn't sugar coat the answer and he didn't care if it was rude or not.

"Maybe if she wasn't the reincarnation of the devil she wouldn't be sitting alone." Cristina added with her mouthful of food, hoping that it wasn't said loud enough for her superior to hear.

Derek laughed and continued to stare at Meredith while eating his lunch. She on the other hand didn't seem too interested in him. At least not since she found out he was married.

"She's been sitting there all by herself for twenty minutes, Derek." Meredith said. "She's been sitting there and picking at her salad and none of it has made it into her mouth yet...She just stabs her food with a fork and releases it again. Then she throws it all away and goes back to work...Every single day."

"Maybe she's anorexic." George suggested.

Addison could hear every word being said about her. It's not like they'd bothered to keep their voices down. But she refused to let down her guard and fall apart in front of a bunch of people who hated her. She got up and threw her salad away without eating a single bite from it. She went back to work 35 minutes before her break was over just make the situation less awkward for herself and her husband.

She didn't know if he cared about her or not. She didn't know when he realized her wasn't in love with her anymore. She didn't know what was going in his mind. But she knew for a fact that she'd ruined the dream life she fantasized about since before she could remember.


The one thing Addison hated about her job was the fact that she could never really have a day off, at least not with a private practice. At the hospital she never had patients she's see through the whole pregnancy. She's treat them from the time they were admitted until they were discharged. With her own practice she was there from beginning to end. If a patient was in labor she needed to be up at 2 in the morning to deal with it.

Sometime around 5 am she walked into her house and dropped her purse on the kitchen counter. She tiredly forced herself up the stair case instead of crashing on the couch and sleeping until there was no melatonin left in her. Before she reached her bedroom she heard gagging coming from the bathroom in the guest room. No one was suppose to be in the house and the last thing she's expect to see at five in the morning was her daughter clutching onto the porcelain bowl as if her life depended on it.

She instinctively crouched down beside her and held her hair back with one hand, rubbing her back softly with the other until Ella gave up and fell against the wall behind her. "You okay?" Addison asked. She couldn't help but add, "What are you doing here?"

Ella nodded as the answered to the first question. "I don't feel good."

"Well. You don't feel well." Addison corrected. "And you'll be okay. It's a side effect of chemo, we can get you something to stop the nausea."

"It's not a side effect of chemo." Ella answered. "I skipped chemo yesterday." she admitted.

"You did what?" She asked. She couldn't believe that her daughter could be that irresponsible. She couldn't believe that Derek would let her do something like that without talking to her about it.

"I think 'ditched' would be a more appropriate word. I'm not sure. I have a headache, the light you turned on is bothering me and all of a sudden your voice sounds high pitched enough to annoy me."

"You've got a headache and your nauseous...you're drunk."

"I'm not drunk!" Ella exclaimed. "...I have a hangover."

Addison ignored the piece of information she had just been given. She understood that Ella was a teenager, and she knew from experience that teenagers assumed that alcholhal solved all problems. She couldn't be hypcrite and scream at her daughter for drinking when she knew that she would end up in need of booze after the night she'd had. "Does your father know you're here?" she asked, changing the subject to something less dramatic.

Ella shook her head. "I left after he fell asleep." she told her mother, hoping it would put an end to a charade of questions. All she wanted to do was throw up and sleep.

"I'm not mad about you drinking, by the way. I realize that almost every teenage kid does it, I did it. So screaming at you for it would be a little hypocritcal of me. You know you shouldn't be drinking in your conidition...I shouldn't have to tell you that. But nonetheless, I'm not mad at you." Addison said calmly with her arms crossed. "However, I'm furious with you for skipping your treatment. And if I wasn't so exhausted I would be screaming at you about that."

"I'm don't doubt that." she answered surely, agreeing with everything to speed the conversation along.

"You can sleep in this room if you want. Sheets are clean, you can go get a T-shirt from my closet if you need something to wear. And if you feel sick at all you can come wake me up." Addison lectured tiredly before turned to leave the room. But before she walked out the door she turned back to her daughter who was still seated on the ground and said, "But just so you know, this isn't over. Tomorrow morning you are going to wake up swimming in the deepest shit you've ever been in."

"I wouldn't expect anything less."

"And I'm rescheduling your chemo appointment first thing tomorrow morning. But this time... I'll personally make sure your ass gets there."

"No." Ella replied firmly. "I don't want chemo, I'm tired of chemo."

"Ella, it's not a choice. You didn't want surgery so we choose chemo. And in order for that to work you've got to complete your treatment. We can't go back and change our mind half way through."

"I'm not changing my mind, Mom. I'm giving up." Ella answered in a barely audible whisper. She had been thinking about it since she was first diagnosed. Thinking whether it was worth the fight. She never knew how difficult chemo was, not until after her first treatment. She discovered with wasn't worth the second treatment. The pain wasn't worth prolonging her life a questionable amount.

"What?" Addison asked as if she hadn't heard what her daughter had said. Maybe it was a form of denial. She didn't hear what Ella was trying to tell her because she didn't want to hear it.

"I'm tired of throwing up all the time, I'm tired of feeling weak and tired all day. I hate that my hair is falling out. I hate that I can't do anything I used to do. Chemo is ruining my life! I don't want to live like this, it hurts too much." she explained. "You won't get it because you've never felt it. It's easy to think it's something you can push through when you've never had poison pumped directly into your veins. I wanna live...for as little or as long as I've got. Actually live."

"Since when do you give up?"

"Since you gave up!" Ella screamed

"I gave up on myself, not you!" Addison yelled back at her.

"Same difference. You're my role model, you give up on yourself and I follow."

"You will die without this treatment, Ella. You need to understand that. It's not like the cancer will magically disappear, sweetheart. As much as I'd wish for something like that to be possible, it's not. I refuse to allow you to choose to die." she explained to her daughter patiently. "My decisions aren't going to kill me, yours will. I want to make that clear."

"I'm not an idiot, Mom. I know what the aftermath of my decisions are." Ella answered. "And I'm not changing my mind."


This chapter takes place a little later than the last. Like by a month or two. The time sequence of this story is very off so I'm not sure. I'm not sure if that was made obvious or not so I thought I should mention it.
The smut flashback has been written and given to me. It's awesome! So awesome that I'm saving it for the last chapter :) This flashback was suggested by Team McOrton. Thanks.
Review :)
I'll try to get the next chapter up sometime before next weekend.