AN: Well, thank you so much for all the reviews. I believe every single one of the reviews said to continue, so I did. I must say I am happy where the story is going, and I am almost done writing chapter 3.
IMPORTANT: There will be a song in this chapter and it is sung in French, therefore I wrote it in French. I'm assuming a majority of you, like me, can't read French, so there will be a translation in the bottom AN. I put the song in because I felt it was important, the words are important. I didn't do it to annoy people; I just felt it was right.
Disclaimer: I don't own KH, or "Puis qu'en oubli"
Enjoy chapter two, I don't think I can top the first chapter but I hope you like it. There will be a lot of Axel in this chapter.
Chapter Two: Two Sides to Every Story
It really hit me when I signed my name. The reality of what I was doing truly hit me in that moment and I knew that I was making the right choice. I neither had a reason to live nor wanted to live. Hell I didn't deserve to live. I constantly took and took, but what did I ever give to Axel. If I were a giving person, he may have felt loved, and he may still love me, but I failed him.
I folded the pieces of paper that held my lasts thoughts within them and wrote Axel's name across it just before the teacher released us and Axel jumped out of his seat to go after Roxas. When he was about halfway to the door he stopped so suddenly it was like there was a wall in the middle of the room that he had just smacked right into. Then he turned around and smiled at me, "Come on Demy, let's go eat." And he held his hand out for me.
I got up from my chair, hid the suicide note in my jacket, wiped my wet eyes, and grabbed Axel's hand for the last time. Even holding his hand felt wrong now, like I was holding a stranger's hand and not my lover's. It was all gone, and I hadn't seen it coming. It was like yesterday we were in love and today we weren't. The loving, the caring, the passion, it was all gone. How did we lose it? How could he fall out of love with me and in love with Roxas so fast? I suppose Roxas is much more interesting than me, and he's adorable, smart, funny, outgoing, and truly likeable. There wasn't really anything likeable about me. I'm just me, and there is nothing interesting about that.
When Axel dragged me into the college cafeteria he immediately sat down at the table next to Roxas' table, giving him a spectacular view of the blond. "Come Dem, sit." Axel demanded after noticing I had yet to sit down.
"Oh, you know what Axel, I forgot something in the dorm. I'll be ba-…uh, I'll see you later." I replied. Then I bent down and kissed him deeply for the last time.
"You gonna be long?" Axel asked as he peeked at Roxas out of the corner of his eye.
"Nah, I'm gonna try to make it quick." I said quietly before walking away and leaving Axel to his staring. Axel truly deserved the best and Roxas was certainly better than me, so I couldn't blame him. This was all my fault. I wasn't god enough for him; I was never good enough for him. And I'd always known that. I suppose I was just hoping that was my imagination, but no, it was truth, I was never good enough for Axel.
As I reached the elevator that would lead me to my floor, I saw my music teacher, Ms. Lockheart, step out of it. "Demyx! I got your email. Why aren't you coming to our one on one practice, are you feeling ill?"
"Yeah, sorry Ms. Lockheart, you know I look forward to our sessions but I'm just not up for it tonight. I emailed you so you wouldn't show up and wait the entire hour and a half for me to just not show up."
"Well thanks for letting me know Dem. I hope you feel well tomorrow."
"Oh, I'm sure I'll be feeling nothing. That is most definitely better. Good bye Ms. Lockheart." I declared before walking into the elevator and pressing the small button for my floor. This is the last ride up. I wasn't at all saddened by that thought, I actually felt relieved.
No more. I wouldn't be doing any of this anymore. When the elevator dinged and the doors opened, I stepped out and began walking towards mine and Axel's dorm. Knowing that I didn't have to do a damn thing anymore was such a fucking relief. I am done, my struggle is over, and I'm accepting my fate at the bottom of the endless sea.
When I reached our door I took my key out for the last time, unlocked the door, and slowly creaked it open before walking in for the last time. As I looked around the room I realized there was nothing in this room that said I lived here, it was all Axel. Everything in the room was red and black, his favorite colors. The bedspread across our joined beds was black, the walls were red, and the curtain and TV were black. The only thing in the room that was my favorite color was my blue sitar, and most of the time it was hidden away in its case.
I didn't mind that Axel had taken over the room, it was our life and he deserved to be happy. And because the room was his, it felt like mine, or it used to. Now that he has Roxas it seems like I'm just a stranger here, only made more apparent by the fact that anything I owned was not out in the open. I didn't want to be in this room anymore. It hurt too much, and brought back memories I didn't deserve to have anymore.
Quickly, I took the note out of my pocket, placed it on our bed, said good bye to each of my instruments and Axel's picture, and then I walked out of the room for the last time. I then stepped into the elevator, and out when I reached the ground floor, left the school, and fell into my beat up car.
As I pulled out of the parking lot, in no particular direction, I began to think, how am I going to do this? Hanging often fails, cutting is too slow and I'm not sure I could actually bring myself to cause physical harm to me, I never have before, I don't own a gun, maybe jumping. There is an extremely high cliff at the edge of town, I could jump off of that and hit the rocks and sea below. The mess would be washed away and my body wouldn't be found. Plus, I couldn't back out, after jumping you are kind of stuck with your decision. Yes, that's what I'm doing.
As I turned onto the road that would lead me to my watery grave my phone started ringing an annoyingly joyful tune. Who the hell would be calling me? Axel was too busy with Roxas, I talked to my parents last night, and I had no one else. I dug deep into my pocket, grabbed the phone and answered a bit shortly, "Hello."
"Something wrong Dem?"
"No, Zexion, what do you want?"
"Dem, you sound upset, are you sure you're okay?" Zexion persisted, why the hell did he care. "I can bring my cello to your dorm and we can play."
"I'm fine Zexion! Leave me alone and don't bother going to Axel's dorm, I'm not there." Music couldn't help me anymore.
"Did something happen between you and Axel? He can be an ass as you well know. I can talk to him if you like; knock some sense into that thick skull of his."
"Zexion…" I sighed, trying and failing to hold back tears, "Just leave it alone."
"You are obviously upset; I want to fix it for you." Zexion insisted,"I want you to be happy, and I'll do anything to make that happen, you're my friend Dem."
"Good bye Zexion." I said before hanging up on my long time music companion and only friend. Tears were pouring down my face as I pulled onto the cliff and stepped out of my car. I blindly stumbled over to the ledge and sat down, letting every tear fall, letting all the emotions I generally hid show. This was me, this was the raw unedited miserable me. I couldn't have my mask off without this pitiful creature showing. I hate myself, I hate everything about me, I despise my life, and now I'll end it. How could anyone want me? Why did I believe that was possible? If I couldn't love me, no one could love me. I should've destroyed this empty shell that I am a long time ago.
When I composed myself, to some degree, I glanced over the edge. It was a lot farther down than I had thought. But I know this was right, I was ready. The sea was calling me, like the sirens called Odysseus, but I wasn't tied to the post of a ship, I was free to go to them, free to accept my fate and jump.
oOo
The way Demyx kissed me before leaving was strange, it felt so final, like he didn't expect to see me again. It was worrying me, but I soon forgot my concerns when I sat down and saw that Roxas had moved from his table and joined me at mine.
"You're gay?" He asked me.
"No, I just make a habit of kissing men in public." I spoke, then immediately regretted it. Those were the first words I'd ever spoken to Roxas and they were dripping with sarcasm. Ugh…but what did I care, I never bothered with people's opinions of me. I'm Axel, and I change for no one. But surprisingly, Roxas was smiling.
"Yes, I thought it was something like that." He joked, and held out his hand, "My name's Roxas."
I took his smaller hand in mine, "Axel. A-X-E-L, got it memorized?"
"Since the first day of class." He responded with a wicked grin.
"Same here."
Roxas absolutely beamed the most gorgeous smile I'd ever seen, "I wanna be friends Axel, is that alright with you? I'm not gonna get between you and your boyfriend, I just want a friend?"
"What if I didn't have a boyfriend?"
"But you do, and he's adorable, and incredibly sweet, so I can't imagine why you wouldn't want him."
"Hypothetically, if I didn't have Demyx, would you want to be more than friends?"
"I'd be lying if I said no, but the point is you have that cutie, he's all yours, and I just want to be friends. I just transferred here and I don't know anyone. Will you be just friends with me Axel?" Roxas asked again.
"Yeah, I'll be just friends with you, and I'm sure Demyx and Zexion will be too."
Once again, Roxas' smile was lighting up the entire room, "Thank you Axel!" He exclaimed and then unexpectedly jumped up and wrapped his arms around me. It sent shivers down my spine to have so much of him pressed against me. I couldn't move, I didn't know how to without molesting him in front of the entire cafeteria. Why didn't Demyx make me feel like this?
After Roxas finally let go, and straightened out, he smile once more, "You're blushing Axel, it's cute. See you tomorrow." I sat in stunned silence as he walked away glancing back at me and smiling every so often. What a fucking tease. Oh, but he was so beautiful. From the first day I saw him I couldn't take my eyes off of him. He was perfect in every way, his unruly blond hear, his small frame, the captivating smile, he was perfection, every tiny detail of him was absolute perfection.
"Hey Axel, wow, you're sitting alone for once, where's your adorable bundle of cuteness?" Marluxia, my rose haired friend asked.
"I don't know, he just walked away, maybe he went to his dorm, or has a class, I have no idea."
"Umm…are you talking about Roxas, he has a class, which I'm going to be late for, but I was talking about Demyx."
"Oh shit! It's been a while. I should probably go make sure he didn't get lost in his music again. See you later Marly."
"Bye Axel, and I think you need to realize how great Demyx is. Lately you've been talking about him like he's a burden, but he really is a good boyfriend Axel. Think about it." Marluxia said sternly.
"Yeah, yeah, I got it memorized, Demyx is the shit, I know." I waved my friend off as I left the cafeteria in search of my boyfriend. The thought of Demyx was beginning to depress me. I didn't know why but, he didn't excite me as much as he used to. His smile wasn't as bright, his eyes didn't shine, he never seemed happy. It just wasn't like it used to be. I used to love him because he was so innocent so adorable. Now, he's just different. His mood always brings me down and I love him simply because we've been together so long.
I've been putting off breaking up with him because he's been more depressed lately. I just couldn't bring myself to hurt him even more. But it is unfair for both of us if we stay together. We both deserve happiness and I am not getting it from him, and he certainly isn't getting it from me. But timing is important with Demyx. I can't do it on a really bad day, which is almost every day for him, and I won't do it on a good day because they are so rare for him, and I just can't ruin it. So now I wait until I can get the balls to break up with my boyfriend of three and a half years.
Hmm…I walked into the dorm room Demyx and I shared and the first thing I noticed was his instruments lying out on our bed. He never left them out but the guitar, cello, and sitar, were all there, sitting unprotected across the bed. I hope he isn't sick. When I got closer to the bad I saw a folded note with my name on it, in Demyx's hand writing.
Shit! What is this? I had a horrible feeling running through me as my hands shakily picked up the piece of paper. I took a few deep breaths before unfolding it and reading. With every word my stomach clenched tighter and my heart tore itself apart more and more. It was becoming nearly impossible to hold back the tears that my father had taught me I was never allowed to shed.
What had I done to this amazing creature? What did I do to my sweet Demy? How had I not seen past the mask he wore, how did I let him down so bad? Why hadn't I left the cafeteria sooner? I'd known there was something wrong with that kiss. Where is he, I need to get to him. I dropped the note from my hand and pulled out my phone. I called him over and over but there was never an answer. As the realization hit me, that I may never see Demyx again, I staggered over to the wall, fell against it, and I cried. I cried for the first time in my life, knowing if my dad were here he'd be disappointed, but for once in my life not caring what he thought. I did this to Demyx.
I don't know how long I stayed slumped against the wall, crying into my knees, but eventually I composed myself. When the tears stopped falling I did a series of breathing exercises to return my breathing to its natural rhythm. Then I walked into the bathroom to erase all traces of tears and any other evidence that I had given into my emotions. It seems that hiding emotions is something Demyx, Zexion and I all have in common. But I am the best at it. No one knows what I hide. Even Demyx thought I was perfection.
But this, hiding it all, and moving pass it, is what I'm good at. When I was five and my mother and twin sister were killed by a drunk driver that my father and I managed to survive he told me I was not to cry. Men don't cry. We have to be strong Mom and Ariel are gone, but you do not cry for them, you get over it and move on. You don't dwell in the past. You can't change it and your grief only shows weakness. Emotions are weaknesses. I was trained by the best to conceal my feelings and I perfected it to a point that I could fake emotions so well that no one would know that I've been dead inside since the day my mom and sister died. Demyx brought some of the life back, and I killed him in return.
I had to repay him somehow, but I didn't know what to do. He said I should be with Roxas but I don't know if I can move on so soon. I don't know if I should go through with his last wish because it's what he wants or if I should just curl up somewhere and die like I want to. I just don't know what to do. Zexy will know, Zexion can tell me what to do. He's the smart one. He's not gonna tell me to go die, nor would I let him know that I feel this way, but he will let me know if its right to follow Demyx's orders.
When I was completely back to normal, no tears, no puffiness, no redness, everything concealed, I picked up Demyx's last words and left the room in search of Zexion. It didn't take long to find my blue haired friend. I literally walked right into him when I turned around after locking the dorm door. "Zexy? I was lookin for you."
"What the hell did you do to Demyx?! I called him and he was crying." Zexion fumed.
"Everything, I did everything to him. Zexion I need your opinion on something." I admitted as I handed Zexion the note. He gave me a questioning look before accepting it and beginning to read it.
oOo
"Puis qu'en en oubli sui de vous, dous amis, vie amoureuse et joie a Dieu commant. Mar vi le jour que m'amour en vous mis; Puis qu'en oubli sui de vous, dous amis. Mais ce tenray que je vous ay promis: C'est que jamais n'aray nul autre amant. Puis qu'en oubli sui de vous, dous amis, vie amoureuse et joie a Dieu commant."
The bittersweet words left my mouth as the last song I'd ever sing. And how fitting a song it was, 'Since I am forgotten.' That is what I am, forgotten. After I jump, no one will remember me, no one will miss me, because I am forgotten. I thought as I stood up, ready to jump.
Just as I was about to plunge over the side, I looked into that deep blue sea, and I saw Zexion reflecting back at me. It was like looking into the deep depths of his eyes or gazing upon the many shade of blue in his hair. Why had he called me? Why did he have to make this difficult? Why did he make me second guess myself. I had been sure about what I was doing before he called, practically begging to help me feel better. Why would he care in the first place? I just wanted to jump but his words were holding me back.
"I want to fix it for you. I want you to be happy, and I'll do anything to make that happen." If only he knew, nothing he could do would fix it. I would never be happy and if he dwelled on trying to make me happy, he would lose himself. All of his energy would be wasted. I'm better off dead. I can't hurt anyone, I won't' be a burden, and I won't be in anymore pain, it'll be over. That is what I want; I want the suffering to end. So why can't I jump when I think of Zexion?
Finally giving up on my ability to jump, I left the cliff's edge and walked towards my car, and slid into it. Maybe it was the music. Zexion had offered to play music with me, so maybe music does continue to have the ability to make me feel better. I put the car in reverse, and pulled back onto the road, numbly driving back to the college. I couldn't handle college right now, I needed to get my life together and rethink a few things. School would only remind me of everything I'd lost, mainly Axel.
After driving around for a while I pulled into the dorm parking lot, made my way into the building I thought I'd never enter again and got into the elevator. Why was I here, I should've jumped, what the hell am I doing? When the elevator doors opened I walked into the hallway and found Axel, who was on the floor, and Zexion standing in front of Axel's dorm. I'd never seen so much emotion in Zexion's face and was pretty sure his mask was completely gone.
"I love him Axel, and I never got to tell him." Zexion almost yelled. Yeah, his mask was definitely gone. I confirmed when I saw him fall to the floor, crying. Then I watched Axel crawl on his hands and knees towards Zexion, then wrap his arms around the blue haired man.
"I didn't know Zexion. I didn't know how you felt. When it comes to reading people I'm pretty clueless. But I did love him Zexion, I still do. I'm sorry Zexion, I really am. You needed him, and I think you would've been better for him. I'm so sorry I didn't know sooner." Axel said to Zexion.
"I just want him to know how much I love every detail of him." Zexion cried.
"Who?" I asked.
AN: The Song is "Puis qu'en oubli" (Since I am Forgotten) by Guillaume de Machaut (c. 1300-1377). It's a secular (non-religious) chanson from the mid-14th century. It's a beautiful song, sad but beautiful, and I thought it was fitting for this story, and Demyx's feelings. So here's the English translation:
Since I am forgotten by you, sweet friend,
I bid farewell to a life of love and joy.
Unlucky was the day I placed my love in you;
Since I am forgotten by you, sweet friend.
But what was promised you I will sustain:
That I shall never have any other love.
Since I am forgotten by you, sweet friend,
I bid farewell to a life of love and joy.
I don't know where you can find it to listen to it if you haven't heard it. It's sung with 3 voices, and it sounds like a chant, but it's not religious, like many chants of the 14th century were. But it really is amazing.
Thanks for any and all reviews, favs, and alerts.
I hope it didn't disappoint, but it really would be almost impossible to get the same emotion I had in the first chapter.
