AN: I'm gonna keep this short. I wasn't sure if I should upload this, cuz it's not playing out like some people (at least three) wanted it to. Despite my concerns, I believe it is good how it is, and I am uploading it.
Chapter Three: It Wasn't Real
"Who?" I asked.
Both Axel and Zexion turned to face me, looking like they'd just seen a ghost or judging by Zexion's red puffy eyes, like they'd just seen their best friend killed by a ghost. "Demyx?" Axel spoke first. "You're not dead."
I scowled at him and pointed out my obviously solid, fat, very much alive, body, "Not yet, no."
"What about the note Demyx?" Axel asked. Zexion was still kneeling on the ground, his mask quickly coming back as he watched the exchange.
"Think of it as a glorified break up letter." I announced and pushed pass Axel to get to his dorm, idly wondering when I stopped calling it our dorm. I tried the door knob but found it was locked, so I began to pat my pockets in search of my key. "God damnit!" I left them in the car, "Open the fucking door Axel!" Axel quickly pulled his keys out and carefully walked towards me like I was a ticking bomb about to go off.
"I'm sorry Dem-…"
"Just open the door." I hissed, before tears started filling my eyes again, "please."
Axel nodded and moved towards the door, while I wiped the tears away with the back of my arm and stepped away. Zexion was now standing up but still staring at me. Though it looked as though he'd composed himself, evidence of his earlier melt down was still all over his face. "Demyx…"
"I'm sorry I hung up on you Zexion, I'm not having a good day."
"That's not what I wanted to say. Demyx I…"Zexion began as Axel got the door open.
"I'll talk to you later Zexion, bye." I said and walked into the dorm with Axel right behind me and Zexion left in the hallway. I immediately grabbed a duffel bag from the closet and began shoving my clothes into it.
"Where're you going Demy?" Axels asked as he watched me shove all my belongings into one duffel bag. My lack of possessions in the room made leaving much easier, but hearing that name from Axel's lips bothered me.
"Don't! You can't use that name anymore." I reprimanded him. How could he continue to use a nickname for me. He wasn't even upset about the note! There wasn't a single mark on his face that said he'd cried for me, and why should he. What is there to miss about me?
"Where are you going, Demyx?" He persisted.
"Home."
"You don't get along with your parents."
"I don't care, I can't stay here." I cried, as I put my instruments in their cases.
"Demyx, the conversation you had with your mother last night ended with you screaming into the phone." Axel insisted, raising his voice.
"I can't stay here." I insisted quietly, looking away from Axel. "I can't stay here." I grabbed my instruments and duffel bag, and headed for the door, but Axel beat me to it, standing in front of it with his arms spread, "Axel."
"I can't let you ruin your life because of me. I'm not letting you go."
"Let me go Axel!" I yelled as I tried to push pass him, but he grabbed me by the shoulders and slammed me into the wall.
"I'd feel like a complete bastard if you left school because of me." Axel confessed, still pressing me roughly into the wall causing more tears to fall from my eyes.
"You're being a bastard now." I cried, trying to free myself, but Axel was stronger than me, or had more desire to hurt me than I had to hurt him.
"Dem, please stay. I'll go room with Marly if you don't want me around, but don't destroy your life because I'm an asshole."
"You're not an asshole, you're perfect." I mumbled.
"I'm not! Get that out of your head Dem. I'm not perfect. Nothing about me is perfect."
"But you are…"
"No! Demyx, no one is perfect, and I'm not even close to perfect. Demyx, please don't leave school." Axel insisted loosening his grip on me. How could he say that? Why didn't he realize how perfect he was? Axel, the happy, confident, beautiful man I had grown to love, didn't realize he was perfect. That gorgeous red haired man felt like that about himself. He was always s so confident, at least he was before I wrote the suicide note. I did this to him. I broke Axel. I'm a monster. I had to get out of here.
"I can't stay. I have to go." I pushed Axel away from me and started to walk towards the door. But apparently Axel recovered from his stupor because I felt him grasp my shoulder before I was painfully twisted towards him. There was venom in his eyes that I had never seen before.
"If you drop out of school, your dreams are ruined. Demxy you can't ruin your life because of me. How can I make you understand that?"
"You don't understand Axel, I don't have a life anymore." Remembering my favorite line of a song I had learned in one of my music classes I recited, "'…for I would never be joyful again, nor would joy be of any benefit to me without you; I would set out on such a road that no one would ever see me again; on that day would I die, worthy' Axel, 'that I lost you.'" I ripped Axel's hand off my shoulder and made to walk out the door for the umpteenth time. Suddenly there was a sharp pain in my head as my hair was almost pulled out by the love of my life. "Oww." I cried, falling to my knees in submission. "Please, Axel, please just let me leave. Ahhh...you're hurting me." I grabbed Axel's wrist in an attempt to loosen his agonizing grip.
"It's not good to dwell in the past, get over it, and move on!" Axel yelled inches from my face. "You fell in love with someone who doesn't exist. You fell in love with the perfect Axel you created. That's not real. It means everything we had wasn't real, therefore you've lost nothing. And stop crying Demyx! It doesn't fix anything, it won't bring them back!" Axel yelled at me, gripping my hair more fiercely with every word. I was in too much pain to pay attention to the last words he'd screamed.
"Axel, please, it hurts." I begged, my eyes full of tears and my hands clawing at his wrists. "Please Axel, I can't stay, let me go." Axel made a disgusted noise before lifting me to a standing position by my hair, making me cry more and more. Why was he doing this? The Axel I knew would never hurt me like this. "I just h-have to go, Axel. I have to go."
"Where?" He hissed.
"I don't know Axel, I just have to go." I cried out, horrified about what Axel would do next. I tried cowering away from Axel but his hold was still strong and before I knew it I was shoved with incredible force into the wall. Pain shot through my back but was quickly diminished as shock coursed through my veins. Axel had…he…hurt me. Axel was stomping towards me now with his fist raised. I did the only thing I could think of, I buried my head in my knees and covered it with my hands for protection. I had never once in my entire relationship, been scared of Axel, but now I was terrified.
oOo
"Where?" I hissed.
"I don't know Axel, I just have to go." The infuriating blond said, tears pouring down his face. I couldn't take it anymore, I shoved, nearly threw, Demyx into a nearby wall, harder than I had intended. He hit it painfully, and collapsed to the floor with a thud. Then I began to stomp towards his trembling figure, ready to punch some sense into him just like my father taught me. My dad…I'm becoming my dad. I…I shoved Demyx, I ripped his hair, bruised his shoulders, he was cowering, recoiling away from me. I was causing physical harm to him because he's not doing what I want. I was…I am...my dad.
I turned away from the cowering blond and ran out of the dorm. What was I doing? How could I do that to Demyx? How could I…I ran into the first bathroom I found and locked myself in a stall. I'm losing it, I thought to myself as I started tearing at my hair. I was letting my repressed emotions control me. I put the toilet seat down, sat, and began my breathing exercises. As I was slowly breathing in and out I heard the bathroom door open and someone walk into the stall next to me.
"Having trouble?" My head shot towards the ceiling where I saw Roxas poking his head over the top of the stall. "You looked upset; I just wanted to know if I could help."
"No, not today. Nothing will fix it." I mumbled, going back to tearing my hair out, as I heard Roxas click his tongue.
"Hmm…" Roxas disappeared then crawled under the stall door and reappeared in front of me, almost on top of my lap, due to the close proximity. "I'm sure that's not true. What happened?" He demanded as he pulled my hands out of my hair.
"I yelled, I screamed, I bruised, I pulled hair, I threw him, and I almost hit him." I admitted to the blond in front of me.
"Who?"
"Demyx."
"Oh, really…then you're totally screwed." Roxas said with a disgusted look on his face.
"Gee, thanks for making me feel better."
"Seriously, why would you do that to someone you love. Boyfriends do not do that. I never pictured you as the type, why, why would you hurt him?" Roxas scolded me, making me feel worse, as he should.
"I don't know."
"Really, you have no idea?"
"I'm…I'm becoming my father."
"Your father hits you?!"
"No." I answered and Roxas gave me a disbelieving look. "Well, not a lot. He just puts me in my place when I'm outta line. And it's been at least four years since he touched me."
"And when was the last time you saw him?" Roxas asked.
How did he know? "Three years ago."
"Yeah, thought so."
"But he didn't do it every day." I defended him. "It barely happened once a month. And it's not like it was ever bad, he didn't even leave marks…usually."
"It's still abuse." Roxas said quietly and gently ran his fingers through my abused hair. It felt so amazing, so comforting, like everything may fix itself, or at least that it didn't matter as long as this blond was near me. Shivers shot down my spine and it felt like a million hot needles were prickling my skin. I wanted to pull Roxas onto my lap, touch him everywhere, and make him feel the way he was making me feel, it was too good to be experienced alone.
When Roxas realized what he was doing his eyes widened and he pulled his hand out of my hair. "Too close, let's get out of this stall." He suggested and turned around to open the stall door. And fuck this design, the door opened into the stall, so Roxas had to straddle my legs to get it open. Then the beautiful blond lost his balance, toppling onto me. I grabbed him around the his chest and stomach to keep him from crashing to the floor while one of his hands grabbed my arm and the other grabbed my upper leg, very near my ass. As soon as he knew he was safe, he released my leg and then started laughing like this was the funniest thing in the world. "I-I d-don't think I th-thought th-this through v-very well."
His laughter was quite beautiful, and very contagious, I soon found myself joining him. "No you didn't."
"But you don't seem to mind." Roxas continued to laugh.
"What?"
"You're still holding me."
"Oh," I released him, like a hot potato, and he laughed even harder. "I didn't…I was just, you almost fell." I explained as he got off of me and stepped out of the stall.
"And then your hands lingered." Roxas grinned as he slid his hands over his chest and stomach seductively.
"Ugh…fine, next time I'll let you crack your head open." I scoffed and left the stall.
"Who says there's gonna be a next time?" Roxas laughed.
"I'm glad this is so amusing to you!" I scowled.
"No, I'm sorry, I shouldn't tease." Roxas apologized, "Are we still friends?" When I nodded he continued, "So did you say sorry to Demyx at least. Not that it will fix anything, but if you apologized he might not hate you."
"Oh God!" I whined and slid down the wall with my face in my hands. Demyx probably hated me now. I can't believe I did this to him. I can't believe I'm showing my real emotions in front of someone. What is wrong with me?
"Oh, um…I'm sure he doesn't hate you. He'll forgive you. You've been boyfriends for a long time haven't you?"
"He broke up with me before I started yelling at him."
"Oh, I'm sorry Axel, you two seemed fine earlier, I didn't know. Is that why you attacked him, because he broke up with you?"
"No, I got mad because he wants to quit school and it's my fault. If he leave's school he destroys his life and I feel like the biggest bastard known to mankind."
"Are you aware how selfish that sounds. It's all about you, and how it makes you feel. Have you thought about how Demyx feels? You did something to upset him, maybe you know what it is, maybe you don't, but it seems like he needs an escape. Demyx needs to be away from you it seems, he needs time to reinvent his life because it's been based around you for so long." Roxas explained.
Holy hell, Roxas is beautiful and smart, it made so much sense. "So, I need to let him go?"
"Yeah, and you'll either find out you two weren't meant to be, or he'll realize he made a mistake and come back to you."
"I nodded; kind of hoping Demyx would realize that we didn't belong together, "Thank you Roxas."
"Anytime Axel, I hope everything works out for you." Roxas said before leaving. He was right, I wanted Demyx to stay to relieve my guilt, I wasn't thinking about how he felt. And right now Demyx's feeling were more important than mine. I need to learn how to think about other's emotions. Speaking of which, I hadn't been thinking of Zexion either. What happened to him?
oOo
The fist I had been expecting never came. Instead I heard the door open, and then slammed closed. Hesitantly I peeked my watery eyes over my knees; I was alone. With a careful eye on the door, and ear listening for any threats, I unwrapped myself, gathered my cases and duffel bag and ran out the door and straight into Zexion, sending us both, and all of my belongings, crashing to the floor.
"Sorry Zexion." I apologized as I rolled off of the blue haired man, whom I had landed on top of.
"It's alright Demyx. Where are you going?" He asked while looking at all of my bags. However, as soon as his eyes met mine his demeanor changed. He became protective and worried in a way only Axel had ever acted around me. "What happened?" Zexion sat up and crawled closer to me. I violently cringed when I saw his hand move towards my face. "Demyx, Dem, its okay. What happened?" He spoke in a reassuring voice as his fingers slid into my hair. When the other hand joined his fingers he began to gently fix my hair, which was no doubt a complete mess. The light, tender, gesture had tears falling from my already watery eyes and Zexion pulled me into his chest, gently rubbing my back, whispering into my ear that it would be okay. "Dem, what happened?"
"I just want to go Zexion. I have to leave, I can't' stay. But Axel wouldn't let me. And now he's gone and I have to leave."
"Wait, wait, Axel did this to you?"
"What?"
"Dem, your lip is bleeding and there's blood in your hair."
"Oh, um no, my teeth probably did that when my head hit the wall, not Axel."
"Let me rephrase, why did your head hit the wall?"
"Gravity?"
"Good Lord Demyx, just answer me straight. Did Axel, somehow, make you fall into the wall?"
"W-why would he do that?" I asked, trying to avoid telling him the truth.
"I can't believe it! He did didn't he?" Zexion fumed, pulling me closer to him. "That bastard, I'll kill him."
"N-no, wait Zexion, it was my fault, d-don't blame him."
"Demyx, nothing you could've done would deserve this behavior. Axel is at fault here."
"I just want to go Zexion." I cried into his chest.
"Where?"
"I'm gonna go home."
"Aren't you fighting with your parents?"
"I can't stay here; everything reminds me of him Zexion. At home I can lock myself in my room."
"You can't quit school because of Axel. You want to be a composer Dem, remember, you have dreams. Axel doesn't make you a great musician, you and your talent makes you a great musician. How about this Dem, you take my room, and I'll share your room with Axel. The only memories you have in my room are of us playing music. Is that good?" Zexion proposed.
"I d-don't want to be alone, what if Axel comes searching for me? And, and, and then he'll..." I shivered at the thoughts, "I don't want to be alone."
"Okay, what if I stay with you in my room. I'll keep Axel away."
"O-okay."
oOo
"O-okay." Demyx murmured his agreement into my chest, and I continued to gently run my fingers down his spine, attempting to comfort him to the best of my abilities. I couldn't believe it, we almost lost Demyx today and less than a half an hour after he returns he's crying and bleeding in my arms because of Axel. He cringed away from my touch because of Axel. He was radiating emotional and physical pain because of Axel. And because I love him, I felt everything he felt.
I wished I could make it better. I wanted nothing more than to make Demyx happy, to take all of these hurts from him. When he looks in the mirror I want him to see what I see in him. I never want him to cry because his heart is broken; I never want him to cry period. I never want to see his beautiful hand writing in a suicide not again. I never want him to be left broken and bleeding on the floor again. I want to bring out the happy smiling Demyx I knew existed.
"Come on Dems, let's get you to my dorm." I announced as I helped him to his feet. Then I bent down and grabbed the water bottle I had dropped in the fall, wetted my hands, and brought a finger to his full and gorgeous lips. Gently, I rubbed the blood away from his mouth, wiping the crimson substance on my hoodie.
When I finished cleaning his lips I looked up, since he was about four inches taller than me, and into his eyes. I then realized he'd been staring, unmoving, at me the entire time. To be honest, he looked quite shocked about my actions. Keeping my hands to myself when we were sharing a room was gonna be a bitch. "S-sorry Dem, I was just getting rid of some of the blood." He nodded slowly and bent down to pick some of his stuff up.
I quickly grabbed his duffel and cello, before leading him towards my dorm, which was on the opposite side of the building and the top floor because I had a single room. We remained silent for the elevator ride and for most of the walk down my hallway before Demyx spoke, "He said that what we had wasn't real, he said it didn't exist. I felt real to me Zexion, why would he say that we weren't real?"
"Well Demyx, Axel is apparently, a bastard…"
"Zexion don't, Axel is amazing in every way, which means he's right…I thought I meant something to him. But I don't. I don't mean anything to anyone." Demyx interrupted me as we reached my door and I unlocked it.
"You mean something to me. You mean quite a bit to me Demyx." I said to the door, but loud enough for him to hear.
"Don't." Demyx cried, "Don't lie to me, it's not gonna make me feel better. I can't take them anymore, they hurt, and I want nothing more to do with them."
"Dems, I'm not lying. You really do m-…"
"Stop it!" I looked up to see tears falling down Demyx's face, and my heart broke for him. It broke seeing all the damage Axel had done. It didn't even matter that I was hurt by his words, what mattered to me was how hurt he was.
oOo
"Dems, I'm not lying. You really do m-…" No, no, no, no, no. I can't hear it again. I can't hear those words again. Those sweet words once uttered to express something beautiful had become poison to me. I wouldn't be able to live through anymore lies.
"Stop it!" I demanded as tears poured down my face. Zeixon looked slightly hurt by my words, but mostly he seemed concerned. Why would he care?
"Dems." He used his nickname for me sadly, then lifted his hand to my face and I flinched away with a fearful squeak. I knew it was Zexion, it wasn't Axel, and neither of them would hurt me, but after feeling what a hand could do…Once again I fell to the floor and covered my face for protection.
oOo
I wanted to cry, no I wanted to kill. How could Axel do this to Demyx? And so quickly. I know Axel has never hit Demyx before. He despised how his father had treated him. Though I don't know the details of that treatment, I knew it was bad on the rare occasion that it happened. And I knew Axel refused to be like his father. So I know that this is the first time he's ever abused Demyx, but I wanted to smother him in his sleep.
For Demyx to be so scared, so petrified after going into that room with Axel, I want to strangle my best friend. He'd gone too far, he'd hurt the man I love, and I don't know if I can forgive him for that, for everything that's happened today.
Taking a different approach, I moved all of Demyx's things into my room while he continued to protect himself in front of my door. When I had all of his knick knacks sitting out next to mine, his cases next to mine, and his clothes in the drawers next to mine, I walked back into the hallway. He was no longer hiding behind his hands, but he was still trembling and his eyes were darting around cautiously.
Careful to keep my hands at my sides, I lowered myself in front of him, and sat. Slowly, and delicately, I slid my hand across the floor to cover Demyx's. "Are you ready?"
oOo
"Are you ready?" Zexion's voice was so soft, so gentle, so different from Axel's yelling. His hand on top of mine was so comforting, it made me feel safe. I nodded and Zexion stood, without dropping my hand, and helped me up. He kept a constant, light hold on my hand as he walked me into his room.
As we entered it all I saw was his familiar blue walls, blue furniture, blue everything. Cerulean, cobalt, indigo, navy, royal, sapphire, so many shades of my favorite color. Of course I've seen his room before, but having just escaped Axel's hellish red room, it felt all that more comforting to be submersed in the comforting hues of blue. Then my eyes landed on a shelf where my guitar figurines sat. The ones I kept in the closet, hidden from view, in Axel's room. The figurines my sister had made me were mixed with Zexion's items. As I looked around the room, I found even more of my limited belongings, scattered throughout. Zexion had made room for me. Tears were filling my eyes again, and I swear I'd never cried as much as I have in this one day, as I have in my entire life. "You, you put my stuff up." I tried to hold my composure as I turned to my friend.
He gave me a sad smile before simply stating, "It's your room too, Dems."
AN: "…for I would never be joyful again, nor would joy be of any benefit to me without you; I would set out on such a road that no one would ever see me again; on that day would I die, worthy lady, that I lost you." Quote is from "The First of May" by Raimbaut de Vaqueiras.
I know everyone had their ideas of what would happen after "Who?" and I don't think this was anywhere near what everyone was thinking. But, I believe, for me, this was the right path to take in this story, it gives me more to work with. If everyone is happy, there is no story.
And Axel's abused past will not be a big part of this story, I did that with "Other Side" I'm not planning on it for this story. I don't know what it is about Axel, but that guy just can't escape my evil author's pen.
Dems, is not a typo. Zexion will be calling Demyx that. I couldn't very well have him calling him Demy, could I? So I'm using Dems, with an 's'.
Thanks for all reviews, favs, and alerts.
