Warning: There is a lot of Axel in this chapter. Sorry, that's just how it worked out. There'll probably be more Demyx in chapter five.
Chapter Four: Hurt Me
"It's your room too Dems." I had no idea how much Axel had mistreated him, but It was becoming more and more apparent. I was beginning to see just how much Axel thought of himself and ignored others. He had the potential to be a good caring man; he just needs to realize that the world doesn't revolve around him. Suddenly, while lost in my thoughts, Demyx's arms were wrapped so tightly around me that I thought my eyes balls would pop out, and I loved it. I loved every bit of trust he was giving me in this small action, ever bit of his warm, still trembling body against mine, his warm breath on my neck, his soft hair tickling my face, I ate it all up.
"Thank you Zexy." He murmured into my neck. Then he pulled away, grabbing his head with both hands and I could see a pained expression on his beautiful face. I was immediately flooded with concern for Demyx, and somehow refrained from touching him.
"Dems, what's wrong?"
"My head hurts." He cried and plopped, face first into my over pillowed bed. I allowed myself a brief smile at the thought of his scent being all over my bed before walking over to him. Demyx remained lying, unmoving on my bed, and I carefully took a seat next to his almost fragile, trembling form. When I gently placed my hand in his dirty blond hair my poor mistreated love jumped in fright and began to move away from my hand. I frowned with my hand frozen in place, and looked away attempting to stop the tears forming in my eyes for Demyx. No one should have to be this frightened. All of a sudden I felt that silky head of hair in my hand again. He'd come back. Demyx had moved back towards me and was allowing me to touch him. A single tear fell down my cheek as I began to massage his head, combing my fingers through his soft hair, doing all I could to comfort him.
"Demyx, why don't you get some sleep?" I said, threading another set of fingers through his air.
"Mmmhm…I think I'll do that." Demyx mumbled into my sheets. I stood up pulling my hands from his hair and smiling when he gave a whine of protest. But that was all he was able to do. Demyx was too tired to do anything about the loss of my hands on his scalp. I don't even think he can move his body he was so exhausted and I didn't blame him. It's been a long and rough day for him starting with a suicide note, then whatever happened when he left, coming back, having his boyfriend beat him, all of the crying, so much crying. He really just needed some well deserved peace, quiet, and rest. And I was going to make sure he got it.
I ran my fingers through his soft hair once more before ducking down and beginning to untie his black converse. When I had both shoes loosened I pulled each off and threw them by my door next to mine. Then I pulled his socks off and walked them to the hamper in my private bathroom. As I walked back to the bed I saw Demyx staring at me with a confused expression on his face. "Why're you bein' so nice, Zexy?"
"Why not be nice?" I asked softly and tilted my head in confusion. Was it really that unbelievable that someone could want to show him kindness? With a small sigh, I helped Demyx drag himself further up my bed. While he got himself comfortably curled up in my many pillows I pulled my blanket over him and then sat down in the reading chair next to my bed. I couldn't resist reaching my hand out to brush the hair away from his face when I saw him tucked away in my bed, but he flinched away from my touch and hid beneath the covers as soon as he saw my hand coming towards him.
"I'm sorry Zexy." He murmured, still under the blanket. That name wasn't quite as annoying as I thought it was when it was coming from Demyx's lips.
"Don't worry Dems." I spoke softly and delicately picked up the hand that Demyx had poking out from beneath the blanket, "Get some sleep Dems, I'll be right back." As soon as the words were out of my mouth Demyx's head shot out from under the blanket and both his hands grabbed my arm nearly pulling my on top of him. "Demyx!" I exclaimed just as a caught myself from toppling on to the blond.
"I don't want to be alone!" He said with fear taking over his eyes. It pained me to see him so scared.
"Demyx, I will be here when you wake up."
"But what about Axel?"
"Axel won't be a problem, I promise you that." I said seriously, "Have I ever lied to you before?" Demyx stayed quiet and looked away from me, no doubt thinking about the fiasco in the doorway and the confession I almost made to him. "Axel won't be a problem, and you won't even know I'm gone, Dems. Get some sleep." I finished reassuringly and gently rubbed circles on Demyx's palm while leaning on the bed until sleep finally overcame him. I then quietly left my room in search of Axel.
oOo
After Roxas left I made my way to the sink to wash my hands and wet my face. Then I stared into the mirror, hating the way my reflection was judging me. Sure I look like Mom, but I have his eyes, and I am him. I am my father. I thought I could escape it, I thought I could be different, but I can't. I am him in every way and no mask could hide that. Not even a mask perfected to the extent of mine could hide that fact.
Sighing, I pushed myself away from the sink and walked out of the bathroom, slowly making my way towards my dorm, scared of what I might find. As I carefully opened the door I hesitantly peered into the room and was relieved to find that Demyx had escaped me. Good, he was safe from me now, maybe Zexy found him and kissed him all better.
My heart stopped as I walked further into the room. There was a dent in the wall I shoved Demyx into. I ambled towards it in a daze and then fell to my knees in front of it. I then placed my trembling fingers against it tracing a spot of Demyx's blood. There wasn't much, but that wasn't the point. I made him bleed. I shed that blood and made the man I love bleed, because I was concerned about my feelings, and my guilt. I leaned my head against the wall and let my tears silently fall.
I shouldn't be allowed to cry, I shouldn't be allowed that bittersweet relief that my father taught me was taboo. I should only be allowed pain and misery. Why should I be given, even this tiny bit of relief that comes with tears when Demyx was suffering by my hand? I should be in pain, I wanted to be in agony right now. I wanted the pain that I deserved to be given. I shouldn't be free of the hurt Demyx was feeling, I should have it worse, because he didn't deserve it, any of it.
My wishes were soon answered when my door slammed open and a hand was almost immediately ripping my hair out and a fist landed hard and painfully in my face. I felt blood trickle from my nose and down my ace as my watery eyes found Zexion's eyes. Even in the tear filled haze, I could see the menacing look on his face. Then it fell into concern. Damn you Zexion, why do you have to care, why can't you just hit me again.
"Axel, are you crying?" Zexion let go of my hair. "It was my left hand; it couldn't have hurt too badly." That was all I could handle. Still kneeling on the ground, I wrapped my arms about Zexion and cried into my best friend's stomach.
oOo
I had no idea what to do. I stormed into the room, planning on hurting Axel, and now he was clinging to my stomach for dear life, crying. Axel does not cry. Axel was always happy. He was so happy that I had, on more than one occasion, thought he might be covering something, some deeper emotion, like me. But now he was crying into my stomach. He was seeking comfort from me, his best friend.
I was torn between wanting to slam his head in the wall for hurting Demyx, and fulfilling my duties as a friend and being there for him. My morals ended up winning over my emotions and I played my part as a friend. I replaced my hand in his hair, this time with a much gentler touch. Then I tried running my fingers through it, like I had for Demyx, but it appeared as though Axel's hair had been through an abundance of abuse, and my fingers were caught in their actions. Using a different method, I kneeled down and wrapped my arms around him in a comforting hug; while the bleeding had stopped he continued to cry into my shoulder. It was heart wrenching to see Axel so…undone.
Then in my ear, I heard Axel's weak voice, "Hurt me. Hurt me Zexion, please." My heart was breaking, for both my friend and the man I was in love with. How was I going to fix this? How could I put the pieces of this shattered life back together? Even if I did manage to glue it back together, it would never be the same. It would forever hold the cracks and holes of this torturous time. But I had to try, they needed me. "Hurt me!" Axel cried into my shoulder, gripping my shirt tightly in both hands.
"No," I stated plainly. "I won't."
"Hurt me!" Came his desperate plea.
"No."
"Goddamnit, just hit me!" Axel gave and anguished cry, "Do something. Hurt me!"
"No."
"Fuck you Zexion!" He yelled as he shoved me to the floor, "You know I deserve it. Just hurt me, make me bleed, make me scream!"
"No." I said again, knowing what would happen next. Wanting what he would do next. I had to show him he didn't have to be like his father. I knew the moment he told me to hurt him that he was afraid he was becoming that man. He had to understand that he wasn't, and I was prepared to take the damage to prove it to him.
Axel was quickly on top of me, straddling my legs and had his hand on the front of my shirt pulling me towards him with his fist raised and swinging. I felt the sting when he connected with the side of my face but ignored it. Axel was much stronger than me and there was very little I could do, so I allowed him to hit me again without protecting myself. I left myself open to him. "Fight back!" He screamed, "Fight back!"
"No." I responded earning a fist in the stomach still stained with his tears.
"Hurt me! I deserve it, please just hurt me!"
"No! You don't deserve it Axel! You've made mistakes, but you hurting will not make Demyx feel better it won't fix anything!" Axel's face was full of rage as his fist came down again. "You are not your father! You don't have to do this!" His fist stopped inches away from my face and I let out a breath I wasn't aware I'd been holding, "You don't want to hurt me, you didn't want to hurt Demyx. You made a mistake, but that doesn't make you him. You will never be him, Axel. You are you and you don't have to do this. It was just a mistake; everyone makes them, move past it." I was aware that I was making light of a serious situation, but Axel had to believe that he could come back from this. I had to make him believe it, even if it meant I had to make it seem like a mistake you could merely shrug away. He was my friend, and he would hate himself if he started believing he was his father. I couldn't read another suicide note, one was too much.
Axel's hand released my shirt, allowing me to fall back on the floor. Then he rolled of off me and settled himself next to me looking at his hands like they were the world's deadliest weapons. His body was trembling, the rage was subsiding, and tears were forming again. When I sat up and scooted closer to him he spoke, "But I can't take it back, I can't change the past, I hurt him, Zexion, I made him bleed." I was kind of happy that he realized that this wasn't a small mistake, but it just made it that much harder for me to convince him that he wasn't his father and that he could move past this.
"I know, Axel, I know." I said gently and moved to sit in front of him. "No, you can't change what you did but you can learn from it. Axel, you hurt Demyx and you don't feel better, it didn't help. You're just even more angry, guilty, sad, and ultimately miserable. You don't have to be like him, because you aren't him. If you were him, you would be feeling better, you would've felt a sense of relief after attacking Demyx, but you didn't."
"Zexion, I didn't even think about it. He made me mad and I…grabbed him, I hurt him. He was crying so much, and, and I told him what we had wasn't real, but it was Zexy. What we had was real and I know it. Why did I have to hurt him like that too? It wasn't bad enough that I beat him. I am my father Zexion. Just before he'd beat me, he'd tell me how much he hated me. And that's exactly what I did to Demyx."
"You don't have to be, you can stop yourself. Axel you aren't your father."
"I didn't stop myself."
"Is that true Axel?"
oOo
"Is that true Axel?" Zexion asked, his face still bloody from my actions. The steady trickle of blood from his nose and from the cut in the side of his head was a constant reminder of what I'd done to him and Demyx, what these wretched hands were capable of. The bruises on his face mocked me just like my reflection. They told me what an awful person I am, that I'm a liar, I'm worthless, and that everyone hates me and they have good reason to. I'd beaten my boyfriend and my best friend. I am my father, there is no escaping it.
"Yes it is." I answered solemnly.
"I don't believe that." Zexion insisted and I felt my rage building again.
"Maybe that's because you can't see what I did to your face." I spoke through gritted teeth, looking anywhere other than at Zexion.
"I don't need to see it, I can feel it and it hurts terribly. I really wish you would've come to your senses sooner. The point is, you stopped."
"Because you said something. You spoke up, if you hadn't I wouldn't have stopped. I would've been just like him."
"Two questions Axel." Zexion said holding two fingers up with a smug look, that said I was cornered, on his bruised and bloody face.
"What are they Zexy?"
"When you spoke did you father stop?" A brief smirk showed on Zexion's smug features.
Damn fucking emo, "No, but…"
"Ah, ah, I have one more question."
"You want me to hit you again don't you?"
"You won't, I have nothing to be worried about."
"Shut up, your face proves how worried you should be!"
"Did Demyx speak?" Zexion asked rather loudly for him.
"What?"
"Demyx said you were gone, and there are no bruises on his face, I assume that you never punched him. So why did you leave, Axel? Did Demyx say anything to you?"
Of course he had. He told me I was hurting him and I'd ignored him. Then I threw him into a wall and got ready to punch him then…I didn't punch him, and he hadn't said anything. I stopped myself, but that means nothing. I still hurt him. "That means nothing."
"It does mean something. It means you do have the ability to stop, you just need to work on timing."
"I'm a horrible person."
"So this is what you've been hiding." Zexion murmured thoughtfully. All my years of perfecting my mask down the drain, he'd seen the real me. "There are two types of people Axel, those who have made mistakes, and those who are going to make mistakes. You've made your mistake, now let's move on and learn from it."
"How can I learn from something I can't control?"
"Axel!" Zexion gave a frustrated huff, before straddling my legs and grabbing my face in his hands, forcing me to look at the mess I'd made of him, "You learned that you can control it."
"I beat the shit out of you."
Zexion pointed a finger in my face, "And you stopped."
"The damage was done."
"The lesson was learned." The asshole shot back.
"I hate you."
"You love me; otherwise you would have punched me again, because I am undoubtedly being quite annoying."
"You are." I said, "How is Demyx?"
"Could this actually be Axel, A-X-E-L, caring about someone other than himself?" Zexion asked dropping his hands from my face but continuing to sit on my legs.
"Shut up Zex, and just tell me how he is." I demanded, scared of what the answer could be.
"He's sleeping, scared, confused, hurt. He's not good and that has been quite obvious all day. If you remember, earlier today he left a suicide note in your room. He flinches away from touches like he's still awaiting the punch you never gave him. He's, he's…I don't know Axel, it's breaking my heart to see him like this."
"And it's my fault." I had done this to Demyx. No, he'd never been a completely happy person, always looking for a good time and fun. But I fucked him up even worse. And by some miracle I was actually more concerned about him than myself right now. I'd been taught to only care for myself, because in the world I grew up in, no one else would care for me. And now, I really didn't give a shit what happened to me as long as Demyx was okay.
"Not completely. To be fair, Demyx did put you on a pedestal. Demyx only saw you as this perfect human being and that, you are not. You are not a god, you are not perfect and it wasn't fair of Demyx to make you that untouchable being. You have faults just like everyone else in this world. The main one being that you have an inability to care about anyone else's feelings, you only care about yourself." I tried to make a comment but Zexion placed a thin finger over my lips, silencing me. I just wanted to tell him that I was the only person who cared about me, but apparently he wanted to finish.
"I'm sure that behavior stems from the fact that you were raised by your father who is anything but nurturing, and he's completely self absorbed. So the only person, who cared about you, was you. But you are wrong in thinking that. Axel your friends Marluxia, Demyx, and I, we care about you. You aren't alone, do you think I would still be here if I didn't give a shit about you. And Axel, you do care. You have the ability to care for others, unlike your father. To feel this miserable you have to care. Axel you are not the only person to blame for this mess. Demyx is at fault for putting you on that impossible pedestal, you are at fault for making everything all about you, and I'm at fault for not noticing that all was not well, because I was too busy pitying myself for my misfortune. Don't take all of the blame Axel, that's a lot for one person to handle, especially when not all of it is yours."
Zexion always had the ability to sound like the smartest most logical person in the world, and as much as I wanted to say he was full of shit, he was unfortunately making a lot of sense. Demyx really had made me seem like this untouchable person in his 'glorified breakup letter' and in reality I'm completely screwed up. I never would have been able to live up to that person he created. I'm just not that perfect. Am I as gorgeous as he says, yeah I am, not to myself, but I do know that everyone else drools over me? But I was never a good boyfriend. I didn't know it at the time but now that I reflect on it, and after reading his letter, I realize that I've always been an asshole. Why did he stay with me? "Why did he stay with me, why did he think I was so perfect?" I asked Zexion.
"Well, Axel, you are very attractive, that was the first thing, according to his note. And then you were the first person to ever show any interest in him. You know his parents weren't exactly supportive of anything he did. There is a reason that he thinks he's unlovable, ugly, fat, and picks himself apart like vultures at a carcass. Axel his parents constantly did that to him. Naminé was their perfect child, and Demyx was the mistake and they let him know that every chance they got. When you asked him out, he didn't feel like such a disgrace. He felt like you were a perfect being, because it was the only way he could understand anyone liking him. If someone liked him, they had to be flawless, because a screwed up disaster of a person could never want a mistake like him while a flawless person would feel comfortable enough to give him a chance. Or at least that's what I think, he felt."
Once again, Zexion was making sense. But his words only made me feel like shit. I'd completely forgotten about Demyx's parents, all I knew was that he didn't get along with them. I hadn't really cared why, and when he told me about them I was more focused on the TV than the words he was saying. I was just happy that I didn't have to meet the parents, anything else really didn't concern me and I drowned it out. I really am the worst sort of person. I should have listened, I could have helped him. I'd also been abused, after all. His parents hadn't hit him, but mental abuse can hurt worse than physical. I should have been there for him. And the worst part is, even though I completely ignored him, he still worshiped me, he still considered me perfect, and he loved me like no one had ever loved me.
Truth be told, that scared me. Waking up with Demyx every day, and knowing he loved me unconditionally. I didn't know what to do with that, no one else had loved me; my father hated me, why did Demyx love me? And why did I love him back? That scared me even more. My loving him meant he could hurt me, just like my father. Demyx held that power over me. He could've twisted that love 'til I was on my knees begging mercy. But all he ever did was tenderly touch, kiss, cuddle, love, he'd always loved and treated the piece of me that he held with him with the most caring hands he possessed. He'd never been cruel, he never said a hurtful word, or raised a hand; he didn't hold that love over my head and use it against me. He was always just grateful to be loved, and be able to return it. And I screwed him. I was the one who ended up tearing him apart, ripping him to pieces; I became the thing I feared he'd be, before he could do it to me. One word summed me up pretty well, monster.
"Axel, the past is the past, its done and can't be changed. Whatever you are thinking, stop." Zexion ordered. Damn him, he knew me so well.
"He was such an amazing boyfriend."
"Yes, yes, I'm sure he was very devoted and loving. Pull yourself out of that place Axel. You can't live in the past. If you're lucky you may get Demyx back, I'm sure he'll forgive you." I could hear the pain in Zexion's voice as the words left his mouth. He was being hopeful for me, but he wanted Demyx for himself, and he deserved him. Zexion was an amazing friend, and I'm sure he'd be an even better boyfriend.
"I don't want him to forgive me Zexion, I want him…I want him to be with you, you deserve him, I don't."
"Axel, every person deserves to have someone to love them. You deserve Demyx just as much as me. And if he still wants you, I'm not stepping in the way, as long as you start treating him right. I swear if you ever raise a hand to him again, it'll be the last thing you do. But if Demyx is happiest with you, that's where I want him to be. I'm…I'm not a happy person, you know that, therefore I find it hard to believe that I will ever be able to make Demyx happy."
"I'm not a happy person either."
"But you make him happy."
I guess this is what Zexion meant about me not caring for others. Zexion's behavior was completely selfless. Zexion was willing to lose the love of his life to me, if it meant that Demyx was happy. He was completely ignoring his own feelings, and putting Demyx in front of himself. I couldn't do that, I'd always come first for me. Not only did Zexion deserve Demyx, Demyx deserved Zexion. I deserved myself and no one else. I need to get Roxas away from me, I don't want him to be hurt, and that's all I'd do to him.
"Will Demyx be okay?" I asked, changing the subject.
"I don't know."
"Will I be okay?" I asked and a distorted smile grew on Zexion's battered face. "What?"
"You asked about Demyx first. That's one step forward." Zexion pulled me into a hug, something he never did. Touching was strictly off limits when it came to Zexion, and yet, here he was hugging me. "Yes Axel, I think you'll be okay."
As I wrapped my arms around Zexion, returning the surprise burst of affection, I heard my door open.
"Should I go find Demyx and we can make this an orgy? What the hell happened to you Zexion!"
"Shut up Marluxia!" Zexion and I scolded at the same time.
"I'm gonna go, call me if you need me." Zexion spoke as he stood up.
"Is Demyx coming back here? Should I go room with Marly?" I asked grabbing Zexion's arm to keep him from leaving.
"No, he's sleeping in my room and he won't be coming back here any time soon."
"Wait, wait, wait! What the hell did I miss?" Marluxia asked from the doorway with confusion written all over his face. "Demyx is sleeping with Zexion and Axel wants to sleep with me, wouldn't you rather sleep with Roxas? And who the hell is Roxas sleeping with that would make you chose me over him, and why…"
"Shut up Marluxia!" Zexion and I, once again, said at the same time. And I closed the door on him, hearing a brief 'rude!' before he stormed off.
"Bye Axel." Zexion waved.
"I'm sorry Zexy." I pointed to my face indicating the spots that Zexion was bruising in, "I'm really sorry I did that."
Zexion smiled, "I know. And I forgive you Axel."
"See ya." I said before he walked out the door. Then I made my way to my bed and collapsed. It had been a rough day.
oOo
I exhaustedly made my way back to my room and silently opened the door. As I suspected, Demyx was still passed out. I walked into my bathroom and cringed when I looked into the mirror. Axel had really done a number on me. Better me than him though; I had to fix it for him. If I had more time I may have thought of a less painful way to do that, but as I told Axel, what done is done. I look like I went to hell and back, but Axel is better for it, and I can honestly say the pain is worth it.
I grabbed a hair tie out of my mirror cabinet and tied my hair back, as much as I could. A few pieces fell in front of my face and some pieces weren't even long enough to attempt to be tied back, but it served its purpose in getting most of the hair out of my face. Unfortunately with my entire face showing I looked even worse. With one hand I started peeling my blood and tear soaked shirt off, and the other hand turned the sink on. When the shirt was successfully pulled off I threw it in the hamper and wetted my fingers under the running water.
After several minutes of scrubbing my face and my lightly muscled front I was free of all traces of blood and left only with a bunch of ugly colors littering my face. I was too tired to go to one of the community bathrooms to take a shower, so I just grabbed a pair of pajama bottoms, quickly stripped off all my clothes and pulled the clean bottoms on. Then I pulled out a few blankets and made a makeshift bed on the floor next to my bed, so I would be able to hear, see, and take care of Demyx easily. I was tempted to steal a pillow from Demyx but he just looked too comfortable, too peaceful to disturb. I couldn't bring myself to disrupt that. Grabbing my stuffed moogle off of my nightstand I curled beneath the blankets on my floor and closed my eyes, allowing sleep to overcome me.
oOo
I flipped over once again in an attempt to get comfortable. I was grateful Zexion had so many pillows on his bed, they'd allowed me a bit of comfort for some time, but they weren't' the same. I was too used to having someone lying next to me. The pillows were cold and lonely compared to having a person next to you. They didn't keep me warm, they didn't give a gentle rhythm to lull me to sleep, they wouldn't hold me tight, or whisper sweet nothings in my ear. I just felt isolated in a sea of pillows.
Finally giving up on my new position within the mountain of pillows I sat up and looked around the dark room until I found the clock. It was 3:06 AM, Zexion should be back. I forced my barely open eyes to search the room again until I found Zexion sleeping in a bundle of blankets on the floor next to the bed with a small bit of moonlight lighting him up. I'd never seen him sleep before, but it was…kind of cute. His features were soft and content, his mouth was relaxed and he was clutching his moogle to his chest, with his chin resting on top of its head. His knee were bent and pulled close to his chest, making him resemble a donut with a moogle sticking out of the hole. It was really, really cute.
Without putting much thought into it, thanks to my sleepy haze, I wrapped my blanket around my shoulders and hopped off the bed. Then I tiptoed across the floor and quietly settled down behind Zexion. I pulled my blanket and my arm over him and his moogle, moving my body to perfectly form to his, and rested my head on his neck. Had I been awake I may have thought about the fact that friends don't get that close, but I was too tired, and it felt too good to move. Apparently Zexion was thinking along the same lines, because his eyes didn't open, he didn't even move, the only hint that told me he was aware of my arrival was a small undistinguishable murmur next to my face.
With my arms around Zexion, my body curled around his, and my face so close to his, I could sleep. I wasn't lonely anymore, I could feel his body heat bleeding into me, feel the steady lift of his chest against my arm, and hear the rhythmic beating of his heart. This is what I had been looking for, this is what I was missing. This was everything I needed, it was perfection.
AN: I want to point out a very important line in the chapter, you may have already noticed it, and realized what I was trying to portray, but I want to make sure. Axel says, I need to get Roxas away from me, I don't want him to be hurt, and that's all I'd do to him, which is a complete contradiction to what he was saying about himself. He's putting Roxas' feelings in front of his own. It's an important line and I just wanted to make sure everyone caught that.
Also, I was thinking about two titles for this chapter. It was either going to be "Hurt Me" or "Perfection" I went with "Hurt Me" because the majority of this chapter is about Axel.
Thanks for all reviews, favs, and alerts.
