AN: Hmm…well, that title kinda suggests the mood for this chapter doesn't it. I tried to put some happy, and some funny, into this chapter, and somehow, in the end…well you'll see.

Italics = Demyx's flashback/memories

Chapter Five: If Only I could Stop Crying

Something felt different. I was on the floor; I remembered that much from last night. And Demyx was in my bed, I remembered that as well. But I don't remember pillows, in fact I distinctly remember forfeiting my comfort to allow Demyx his. So why were there pillows wrapped around me? Warm pillows, pillows with an amazing scent drifting into my nose, a soft texture resting against my unclothed arms, and a steady, rhythmic heart…My eyes flashed open and I was immediately greeted by Demyx's gorgeous aqua eyes. "I like your moogle." He whispered to me and poked my moogle's large pink nose. I looked down at my treasured stuffed animal then back at Demyx, slightly alarmed. No one, not even Axel, knew I slept with a stuffed animal.

I wasn't at all displeased to be in this position, but I was not expecting it, nor did I know what it meant to have Demyx's arms wrapped around me. It was a complete and utter shock, but I never wanted it to end. I had a small fantasy of us getting glued together like this, and then we'd be stuck together forever or at least a few hours. Oh how nice it would be to wake up like this every day. To have Demyx wrapped around me, and open my eyes to see his gorgeous ones watching me, I'd be in heaven. It wouldn't matter where, as long as Demyx was the one next to me.

But how did this happen? I went to bed alone, I know that for sure. Axel didn't knock all the sense out of me, Demyx was definitely on my bed when I went to sleep, and now he was wrapped around me on the floor, looking a bit horror struck at what he just said to me, which I found curious. So I began to respond to the lovely blond next to me but when I opened my mouth I realized I was at a loss for words. "Uh…" I couldn't get another word out when I felt Demyx's long fingers against the tender skin along my cheekbone.

"What happened?" Once again, the love of my life whispered to me. He had dark circles under his eyes, indicating that he had not slept well, his beautiful full lips were curved into a frown, and his eyes were sad, but overall he looked like he was doing better than he was yesterday. Remembering that he had spoken I searched my mind to figure out what it was he had asked me.

"I um…I had to prove a point." I responded.

"Zexion, I think you lost." Demyx said so matter-of-factly that I couldn't control the way my lips started curving into a smile and before I knew it I was bursting with laughter. Real laughter, I wasn't faking it to make myself appear happier than I was. For the first time in years I was genuinely happy and amused by the words uttered from my love's lips. If only he knew what he did to me. If only I could show him I meant every word I'd been trying to say to him.

"I didn't lose Dems." I said as my laughter began to slow.

"Oh, so you won?"

"No." The 'what-the-fuck' look on Demyx's face was priceless and I found myself laughing all over again. What was wrong with me? I don't laugh, I'm not happy, I hate life. But I'm laughing, I'm happy, and I'm truly enjoying this moment in my life, all because of the beautiful creature that is Demyx. I wouldn't change one thing about this man; I love him for all of his amazing qualities and imperfections.

oOo

Ugh…A god awful ray of sunlight was burning into the back of my neck, preventing me from getting anymore sleep. I grudgingly opened my eyes and immediately smiled when they landed on Zexion. The burning on my neck no longer felt horrible, it was actually quite easy to ignore it when I gazed upon Zexion's sleeping form. He'd turned around in his sleep and he and his moogle were now facing me.

His hair had fallen out of its pony tail while he was sleeping, and there were now strands falling down covering most of his profile. That just wouldn't work; I wanted to see his face. I hadn't really gotten a good look at it last night, but he had a beautiful face and I didn't want it hidden. I tentatively stuck a hand out and lightly moved the stubborn hair from hiding him, then sharply inhaled in shock. What had happened to him? And how could someone continue to look so beautiful with so many colors and so much swollenness all over their face? It looked so painful and all I could think about doing was making Zexion feel better. So I did the only thing I knew to do.

I carefully leaned forward and placed a chaste kiss on Zexion's forehead, mimicking the gesture I saw my mother do to Naminé whenever she was hurt or felt bad. Zexion curled in closer to his adorable moogle when my lips touched his face but other than that, my kiss went unnoticed. It was an act I was never able to perform with Axel, because with Axel, I was always the one who needed to be taken care of. But it felt good to do it for Zexion. It almost felt like with the one small touch, I could take his hurting away. I had often fantasized about a day were my mom would kiss my forehead, like she did Naminé's and all would be right again, just for the fact that she was there for me. I always believed there was a powerful magic in a kiss. It didn't even have to be a romantic kiss. It could be between a mother and daughter, or between to friends and hold just as much strength.

I let out a small sigh as I fell back into the blankets, all the while staring at Zexion's battered face. I had always liked Zexion, he was the only person I knew who loved music as much as me. I'd met him in fifth grade, my first day of band practice. It was another memory that I have memorized as if it happened yesterday.

I was practically skipping down the middle school hallway, towards the band room. Happiness was flooding out of my every pore that day. My heavy cello case was beating on my back, my shoes were squeaking against the checkered tile floor, and the beautiful yet disastrous sounds of new musicians trying their instruments for the first time was echoing throughout the hallway, making my feet move faster and faster so that I may join them.

A few months earlier I had met with the band instructor to pick the instrument I'd be playing and we had decided that that I would play cello. Mr. Highwind was keen on adding another cello player to the three that he already had. I was only too happy to agree with that, it would mean the worst I could do was fourth chair. And today I was excited about meeting my fellow cello enthusiasts.

With these joyful thoughts in my head I threw open the door to the extravagant music room and allowed the horrendous chaos of out of tune musical notes wash over me. It was heaven. Then through that thunderous sea of practicing musicians, I heard one sweet melody, one perfectly played piece of music. It sounded so out of place in this roomful of incompetent musicians. And naturally, I was immediately attracted to it. Pulled like a moth to a flame, my feet carried me across the floor, through the other students, knocking over several chairs and music stands, all the way over to this unknown musician. When I found him I placed my cello on the floor and watched him, listened to him, felt him, in utter awe of his talent.

I could immediately tell, as I watched him pour his heart and soul into the bow and through the strings that music was as much his life as it was mine. It was as if I was hypnotized by him as I watched the curtain of blue hair covering half his face sway back and forth with his movements. I saw every bit of concentration, and how he put everything he had into the piece of music he played just by watching him expertly slide his fingers up and down the neck of his instrument and seeing him move his bow with a preciseness I'd never seen before. At some point I had closed my eyes to take in the song and let it completely wash over me. When the song finally ended I kept my eyes shut, letting it reverberate through me for a moment, before opening my eyes. As my eyelids slowly lifted I found the blue haired boy's dark blue eyes on me, "Can I help you?" He asked in a dreamy voice as beautiful as his music.

I smiled before bending down and picking up my cello. Then I strolled over to him and took the chair next to him, pulling my beloved instrument out of its case, "I just think you have amazing talent and that song was so beautiful, so enchanting and hypnotizing. I couldn't help myself; I just had to listen to you. And the way you're fingers move so perfectly across it…I'm just amazed at how wonderful you are. And I'm sorry if I bothered you, I didn't mean to, but I was surprised to find someone here who actually knows how to play there instrument."

"Hmm…I've been playing for years. My name's Zexion." He held his talented hand out to me and I gladly accepted it.

"My name's Demyx."

Zexion was my only friend throughout middle school and junior high. And unfortunately the only time I could talk to him was at band practice, or on the rare occasion that he invited me to his house to practice. The reason for this was that Zexion was a year older than me, and we had no classes together. Then I ran into Axel my freshman year, and found out he was one of Zexion's other friends. Eventually they invited me to lunch and I found that Zexion's friends were actually pretty cool, and all of them liked me. Of course, I didn't meet all of them until after I started dating Axel.

Two weeks into my fifth grade year Zexion amazed me further with his kindness. Mr. Highwind, or Cid, as he had allowed me to call him, made me first chair and moved Zexion to second chair. By all rights Zexion should have hated me. He worked nonstop with his music, trying to be the best he could be, and in my second week I replaced him even though he had been with the band a year longer than me. He should've hated me or shunned me like the other two cello players. But instead, he celebrated with me and genuinely congratulated me on my accomplishment. He understood what it meant to become first chair, and how amazing it felt, because he once held that position, and even though I had taken that from him, he was happy for me. He was the only person, other than Cid, who was happy for me.

I went home that day almost jumping up and down ready to share my news with my family, but it had to wait. The only time we talked about our days was at dinner. So I anxiously watched as the seconds ticked by until finally we were called into the dining room for dinner. I sprinted through the long hallway and slid down the railing of our twisting stairway, jumping off at the end, earning a tsk from my mother, and hurriedly sat down at my place at the table, awaiting my turn to speak. I listened intently to my parents as they told us about their days; it was only polite, right? If I wanted them to listen to me I should listen to them, no matter how boring it was. And finally the time came, it was my turn to speak, "I was made first chair!"

"Mmm, that's nice." My father barely acknowledged me. He didn't even give me the courtesy of looking up from his plate of food.

"Naminé, sweetie, how was your day?" When the words left my mother's mouth, my ten year old heart was crushed. This was one of the most important days of my life, and no one cared about it, no one was proud of me or even happy for me. I suddenly didn't feel like eating. Cursing myself in my head, I berated my every hope that my parents would be excited. What did I actually think would happen? I never did anything right in their eyes, why would today be different. And what real importance was first chair anyway. Being the best cello player in a middle school band was nothing; I should have realized that before I got excited and wasted my parents' valuable time with trivial news.

"May I be excused?" I asked as my parents started praising Naminé for her 'A' paper.

"That's a good idea honey; you're starting to gain weight." My mother informed me and I ran away from the table, up the stairs, down the never ending hallway and into one of our bathrooms. I ripped my shirt off and threw it into the hamper. Then I stared at the disgusting flab covering my entire body in the mirror for about half an hour. When I finally gave up on being able to will the fat away, I stepped on the scale. Seventy-two pounds, I'm disgusting. With no desire left to live, I left the bathroom and walked toward my room. I could hear my parents and sister laughing in the living room downstairs and felt tears start to fill my eyes as part of me died. When I reached my bedroom I walked in and locked the door behind me. Then I turned my radio up as loud as possible, face planted into my bed and cried for most of the night. I wouldn't even be surprised if, after sleep had finally demanded my submission, I continued to cry.

I didn't tell anyone, not even Zexion, about how horrible I was feeling about everything. I didn't need to burden anyone with my problems, and I especially didn't want to bring my unhappiness into the one good place in my life. The only place I ever felt happy, the band room. All of my good memories involved the band room and I didn't want to put a stain on that. It allowed me to play my music without someone yelling at me to shut the fuck up, and it brought me Zexion. Music and Zexion were the only joys in my life.

And now, ten years later, I was lying next to him on the floor, with my arms wrapped around his warm body, and he still had the ability to bring some semblance of joy to my miserable life. How did he do that? Why did I always feel so good around him? I feel so comfortable when I am with him, it feels like I can be me and he won't mind. And more importantly, I just realized that the entire time I've been gawking over Zexion's sleeping form, I haven't thought about Axel. How could he make me forget about losing the love of my life? He took that pain away from me, and I like it. It was such a relief to not think about Axel. But is okay for me to use Zexion, just to take my pain away? No, there's no way that could be right. I don't want to be the type of person who would use someone for their own personal gain. That was wrong. And no matter how bad I felt without Zexion, it was better than using him.

Then again, Zexion had invited me to his room, and it seemed like he really wanted to help me. He even tried to say that I meant something to him. As much as I would love for that to be true, I had to think realistically. I don't mean anything to anyone, I never have. He said that because he wanted to make me feel better. It was a lie, just like everything Axel had ever told me were lies. No one ever loved me, Axel didn't, Zexion can't, my parents…I'm not lovable, and I've always known that, nothing has changed, therefore Zexion is lying to me. But it was nice, all the same, that he would try to help me.

Maybe with Zexion's support I could get through school. The first semester was almost halfway over and winter break would be coming up soon. Maybe I can make it. After all, Zexion is the reason that I am here and not a bloody corpse miles away. My mind must have seen him for a reason. There must be a reason that he was the one who pulled me back from the ledge. I'll give it until winter break. If things aren't improving by that time I'm getting friendly with the cliff again.

Suddenly I was pulled from my thoughts and my heart started racing when I noticed a change in Zexion's breathing and his slight wakeful movements. Why did him waking up make my heart flutter like this? The almost giddy feeling I had became even worse when his eyes opened, revealing the most gorgeous dark blue eyes I'd ever seen. Unable to think of anything to say, but wanting to speak, I opened my mouth and whispered, "I like your moogle," And poked its nose. What and idiot! I like your moogle, what is he supposed to think about that?

"Uh…" Zexion tried, but stopped when I reached a hand out to touch his face.

"What happened?" I whispered, as my finger traced his bruised cheekbone.

"I um…I had to prove a point."

Huh…Unless he was trying to prove that he was still absolutely gorgeous with a multicolored, swollen face, I can't imagine how he got his point across. So I responded with the first thing that came to my mind, "Zexion, I think you lost." And almost as soon as the words left my mouth, Zexion was cracking up. It brought a smile to my lips to hear him laugh. It was a beautiful sound, one I'd never heard before. Zexion's laughter was music to my ears, it was better than any selection of Mozart, Beethoven, Bach, or Brahms. It was the greatest sound in the world and I found myself wanting more. I wanted to do anything I could to make this beautiful man next to me laugh more.

When his laughter died down a bit, though not completely, Zexion spoke, "I didn't lose Dems."

"Oh, so you won?"

"No." Zexion smiled.

What the fuck does that mean? Either you lose or you win, what else is there? Second place? Judging from Zexion's new round of laughter, my face must have been contorted in some odd form of confusion. "Zexy…" I whined, "You're confusing me."

"I'm sorry Dem," Zexion placed one hand on my shoulder and used the other to keep his moogle in place. "It's just that technically I didn't win or lose. I proved my point but I took a beating in the process. It wasn't really a win or lose situation."

"Oh. So…Um, what point were you trying to prove?" I asked and Zexion became uneasy. He didn't trust me. Why would he? With everything else wrong with me, one can only assume they can't trust me. And they'd probably be right. Somehow I would screw it up if I were given knowledge that no one else knew. I always made a mess of everything.

"Well, after you fell asleep, I went to have a um…word, with Axel." Zexion began, surprising me out of my thoughts. Was he really going to tell the truth? Were he and Axel talking about me, and what a failure I am, or were they talking about what Axel did to me, and how much I deserved it? "And I wanted to prove to him that he is not his father, which involved sacrificing my face. How bad is it?" Zexion grimaced at the last question.

"You're gorgeous." Shit, sometimes I just don't think before I speak, "Um…Axel did that to you?" I changed the subject quickly.

oOo

"You're gorgeous." Oh my, holy moogles. Did Demyx, Demyx my love, just call me gorgeous? But now he looks like he regrets it. Did he not mean it? Does it mean that I have a chance with him? I needed that; I needed to know that I still had a chance with him. Always watching him with Axel was slowly killing me. The only thing that had kept me alive was knowing that Demyx was happy with Axel. But right now that wasn't true. Demyx most certainly was not happy, and I had nothing left to keep me alive, unless I could make Demyx happy. "I um…Axel did that to you?"

"Yeah, but it was necessary to prove my point." I answered.

"I never met Axel's dad."

"Did he tell you about him?"

"No, that's why I don't really understand the point you're trying to make. I tried though. I would tell him about my parents, hoping he would tell me something about his, but he always seemed to be more interested in the TV. I can understand that though, I'm not very interesting."

"I can't imagine anything or anyone being more interesting than you." I said truthfully, and continued before Demyx could object, "Well, Axel's father was abusive. So naturally, after attacking you, Axel feels like he is becoming that horrible man."

"Axel was abused!" Demyx exclaimed.

"Yeah."

"Why didn't I know?"

"It's not something he shares with people. The only reason I know about it, is that I happened to witness it once. Two weeks later I convinced him to move out of his father's home. They haven't spoken since."

"He told me the reason he moved was because he needed a change of scenery. We really didn't mean anything, did we?" Demyx said, his voice was filling with sadness that made me want to wrap my arms around him and never let him go. "He never confided anything in me, I never really knew him, we were nothing."

"Dems, Axel didn't mean what he said yesterday. He told me last night that what you two had was most definitely real and he doesn't know why he said it wasn't. He does love you Demyx."

"And did he tell you this before or after he beat the shit out of you?" Demyx now had anger mixed with the sadness in his voice. I idly wondered if that was concern for me or if he'd finally figured out Axel isn't perfect. Either one would be good in my book.

"Um…After, I think. I don't know my head was kind of spinning. Does it really matter?"

"Axel shouldn't have done this to you." I couldn't help but close my eyes when Demyx brushed his knuckles against my cheek. The tenderness of that act almost brought tears to my eyes, but I remained composed. Despite the fact that I was thinking of how nice it would be for Demyx to know how much I loved him, and how much he did for me, without even knowing it, I kept my emotions in check.

When I opened my eyes I fought my urge to grab Demyx and kiss him until he knew what it felt like to be loved, to really be loved for everything he is and not just the idea of him. After struggling with the messages my brain was trying to send through my body, I squeezed my moogle close, as if he were Demyx, and spoke, "He shouldn't have done this to you either; you didn't deserve it, any of it."

I watched as a hurt expression suddenly took over Demyx's face. "Of course I did! I deserved it. I always deserve it. What I don't deserve is you being nice to me!"

"Dems…" I started but Demyx untangled himself from the blanket and stormed away. Before I could get another word out he slammed the door of my bathroom closed and locked it, leavening me stunned on the floor. What the hell did I do?

oOo

"He shouldn't have done this to you either; you didn't deserve it, any of it." Zexion responded. How could he say that! He went to Axel because of me, Axel beat the shit out of him because he was still mad at me, and somehow Zexion thinks I don't deserve what happened to me? No, I know I deserve it. I deserve nothing more than to be put in my rightful place beneath everyone. I always deserve to be punished because I can't do anything right. My parents knew that I was nothing amazing, Axel had figured it out that I'm worthless and justly punished me because I mistakenly thought I may be someone more than I was. I thought just maybe I was something worth loving, something that might be able to hold a place next to a normal human being, but I was wrong. And Zexion was too smart to not know all of this about me, so he had to be lying to me to make me feel better again. I hate lies.

"Of course I did!" I shot at him, "I deserved it. I always deserve it. What I don't deserve is you being nice to me!" I began struggling with the blanket as if it were Devil's Snare and had latched onto me without any plans of letting me go. Finally my distress must've shown bright enough that the vicious blanket plant thing recoiled and I was able to storm away hearing Zexion say "Dems…" just before I slammed the bathroom door closed.

I immediately sunk to the floor, sliding against the door, and then buried my face in my knees and cried. Why did he have to be so nice to me? I didn't deserve that. And I couldn't do this twice in one lifetime. I had actually felt happy. But from experience, I knew all too well that the happiness wouldn't last. Zexion may seem nice right now, but it was all an act and he would change all in a matter of time. Axel had changed because he finally realized that I'm a worthless pile of crap. Zexion, since he's smart enough to already know the truth of me, will stop lying to me just when I begin to feel better. None of this is real. It's all lies, and that cliff edge is looking real inviting right now.

It would be so much easier, and hurt so much less if Zexion would just stop lying to me, giving me this terrible hope. Telling someone they mean something to you and that they don't deserve cruel treatment would give anyone false hope. And because I was starting to see Zexion differently, in a more than friend way, I almost believed him, but I learned my lesson from Axel. I can't, I just can't, believe anything anyone says to me when it's kind because in truth, there is nothing to compliment about me. And because of that, Zexion could never possibly feel the same way about me.

Besides, I can never let anyone tell me they love me again. I wouldn't live through it, and I needed to stop these feelings I was having for Zexion. He'd never be able to return them. If somehow he did manage to return them, I knew it'd be a lie. Why did everyone have to lie to me, it's bad enough that I know what a nobody I am, but when people tell me I'm wrong, it's just cruel. I'd rather have everyone tell me the truth, as horrible as it is, than tell me lies.

oOo

My heart clenched when the door slammed shut. Somehow I had hurt him, which resulted in my heart breaking. I never wanted to hurt him, it made me want to die knowing that I was the one who caused these fresh tears. I slinked out from under my warm blanket, keeping my moogle tucked under one arm, and walked towards the bathroom trying desperately to hold back my burning tears. I raised a fist to knock on the door separating me from Demyx, but thought better of it. I instead, leaned my back against it, clutched my moogle close to my bare chest, and sunk to the floor, letting my tears fall.

It hurt me so terribly to know that I had hurt Demyx. That was the last thing I ever wanted to do, but it seemed I was no better than Axel. How could such a small statement of truth, hurl someone so much? Everything had started out so well today. I had been happy, I even laughed, and Demyx seemed to have been doing better.

Then with my simple claim, "You don't deserve it." It was like I'd struck him through the heart with a hot iron. I could understand him being upset to a certain point, but to lock himself away…There had to be more reason for this behavior. And I had to figure it out. I had to help him, I loved him too much to give up on him because he's…confusing. I needed to bury myself deep within that beautiful head of his and figure out what was going through it. If only I could stop crying.

AN: Okay, I think that is considered a cliff hanger, and unfortunately the next chapter is all Axel and Roxas. So it does gonna be about two weeks before we find out what happens with Zexion and Demyx.

I'd like to try to not make a habit of this but once again I'm going to point out something that I feel is important in this chapter. "I thought just maybe I was something worth loving, something that might be able to hold a place next to a normal human being, but I was wrong." Notice that Demyx refers to himself as 'something' and not 'someone'.

Also if you guys are looking for more Kingdom hearts fanfiction check out:

EvilScotsman's "The Bastion" www .fanfiction .net/s/5414575/1/The_Bastion (remove the spaces)

In between writing and typing "Details" I have been editing that wonderful story. The main pairing is Zemyx.

Thanks for all reviews, favs, and alerts.