AN: I don't know what it is about me, but bad moods never equal anything good for my characters. Actually, this entire story started because of a bad mood. And to top it all off, I'm gonna make you all hate me with this cliffhanger.
Chapter Eight: I Just Want To Feel
Four pairs of eyes stared at me as I strolled up to the table with someone other than Demyx by my side. I could only imagine how nerve-wracking this must have been for Roxas, who was hiding behind me as we walked, using my body as a shield from the death glares. My friends weren't exactly normal, and their glares were quite intimidating. They had come to love Demyx a great deal over the years. After I started dating him, he was no longer Zexion's weird little band geek friend, he was part of the group, and they would not be happy about him being so depressed. He was like a little brother to all of us. One that needed to be protected at all cost and I have been doing a crappy job of it.
"Umm Axel, you have the wrong blond with you." Marluxia pointed out. "So I guess Demyx really did sleep with Zexion last night. Is that why you beat the shit out of him?"
At these words, Vexen put his chemistry book down, Riku's jaw dropped and Larxene exclaimed, "What?! Dem-Dem cheated on Axel. Whoa, I totally thought it would be the other way around."
"No, Dem didn't cheat on me!" I yelled, outraged at their accusations of Demyx. It was fine if they thought I would cheat on Demyx. To be perfectly honest I had thought about it the first time I saw Roxas, but I loved Demyx too much to do that to him. Still, cheating has crossed my mind, therefore it's understandable that they think I would cheat, but to think Demyx would cheat on me…Demyx is too good a person to cheat and they should realize that.
"Then what's with the new arm candy?" Larxene shot back indicating Roxas with a jab of her finger. "I mean, he's cute and all, but he's not Demyx."
"Demyx broke up with me, Roxas is just a friend."
"He broke up with you so he could fuck Zexion, right?" Marluxia chirped in while Vexen and Riku silently watched the scene unfold.
"Shut up Marluxia!"
"So he's fucking Zexion?" Larxene smirked.
"Demyx is not fucking anyone, I am not fucking anyone, no one is fucking anyone, except maybe Riku, 'cause he's hot as hell and can get anyone he wants!" I reiterated. "Now would you all shut up?!"
"Bitchy much?" Larxene murmured.
"That's interesting coming from you." Riku took the words right out of my mouth resulting in Larxene throwing a potato at him. What a great first impression my friends are making.
oOo
"Bitchy much?" The blond bug muttered.
"That's interesting coming from you." Commented the beautiful, somewhat familiar, silver haired man in a smooth voice that said he didn't give a fuck, and almost as soon as the words left his perfectly formed lips, a potato flew across the table, landing directly in his chest. At this point the blonde's green eyes met the silver man's aqua eyes in an intense glaring match, and I sent an uneasy glance towards Axel. Were his friends about to murder each other here, in front of all these witnesses? But Axel didn't even acknowledge me as he continued to look at them with frustration written all over his face. After quickly giving up on catching Axel's eye, I looked back at the table to see the blond chemistry man reading again, making a note in his book, while the one named Marluxia just shook his head at the small battle unfolding. It was almost like this was an everyday occurrence for them. Oh my God, Axel's friends are insane!
"Anyway bitches, we have a new friend. He's new to this school and his name is Roxas." Axel reached his hand around my back and pulled me forward so I was directly in the spotlight. Sure, I had a tendency to be very confident, but Axel's friends were intimidating and I felt like I was melting beneath their gaze. It was like being at home with Sora and his friends again. The only way I could be the confident me was when I wasn't outnumbered I suppose. "Now say hi everyone, you'll be seeing a lot of Roxas from now on."
"Hi Roxas!" Everyone except the scientist, who was lost in his book, greeted. "Welcome to the group. I'm sure you'll fit in well." Marluxia continued with an inviting smile on his face. I liked him; he seemed nicer than the others, for the moment at least.
"That's not nice Marly." The silver haired man stated. "Saying he'll fit in well with us is basically the same as telling him he's as insane as all of us."
"Well, you have to be a little insane to actually want to hang out with Axel." The bug chimed in.
"Hey!" Axel said in a mock offended tone before he smiled, "I take that as a compliment Larxene."
"You would."
"Yeah, anyway Rox," I smiled as Axel nervously scratched the back of his head looking between his friends and me, "Okay, the bug looking bitch is Larxene, the one with the pink hair is Marluxia, Vexen is the one reading, and the fabulous male model on the end there is Riku."
"Riku models?" I whispered as his friend's eyes remained on us.
"No, but who wouldn't want to see him in a magazine."
"True." I agreed, giving Axel a smile, as he pulled me into a chair at the table.
As soon as I sat down Marluxia started a conversation about the classes I was taking, particularly the fact the he and I shared an English class that he was in the habit of showing up late for. Larxene and Riku would give their input every once and a while and even Vexen talked a little when I told them I was taking a Biology class. Axel was the quietest I'd ever heard him since the time I'd met him, but the smile on his face told me he was just enjoying the fact that his friends seemed to be accepting me. Little did he know, even though I'd already informed him of this, no one actually likes me. Just as I was starting to get comfortable with Axel's friends, two more people joined the group at the table, two people who would prove my point about not being likeable.
Demyx looked like he was about to fall apart and Zexion looked…well he looked purple. It pained me to know Axel had been the one to leave those awful marks on his face, but all I did was shake my head at the redhead. We'd already talked about it and there was nothing left to be said. Axel gave me a guilty smile before turning his head to meet the duo that had just arrived at the table. There was so much guilt in his eyes as they locked onto Demyx. Maybe I was biased, but I was really upset with Demyx for telling Axel he was the reason for him trying to kill himself. I didn't know how, or if I could ever fix the redhead after that. But at the same time I felt bad for Demyx. Other than Axel's obvious infatuation with me, what had made him sink so low that he would want to give up on life?
In my opinion, people who hurt themselves, and people willing to end it all and give up are weak. Demyx was weak, and Axel needed someone stronger than that. Axel couldn't be with someone who was so dependent on him because Axel has his own problems. Now Demyx…I don't know if there is anyone out there strong enough to handle him. If it was true that there was someone out there for every single person, I imagine the man made for Demyx had to be incredibly gifted, strong, and most importantly understanding. He needed someone who would make him want to fight, who could cheer him up even when he felt like giving up, who could understand and relate to him he needed…gosh, Demyx needed so much and I don't think Axel ever realized what he was getting himself into. Axel and Demyx just weren't made for each other as far as I can tell.
"Well Roxy, this is Demyx and Zexion. You guys, this is Roxas." Axel introduced us, but his voice held much less flare than usual. It felt like the mere presence of Demyx completely deflated him. Which just adds to my theory; Axel was not a strong enough person to handle Demyx. That is in no way putting Axel down either; it was just going to take an extraordinary person to fix Demyx. After Axel introduced us I stood up and stepped closer to Zexion and Demyx with my hand held out, and I saw tears form in Demyx's eyes as he held his hand out to me. Axel certainly was right; Demyx was nice, or at least polite. He seems to be trying his hardest but I know Demyx doesn't like me. In fact, I am coming to realize that, everyone here was probably just pretending to like me either out of politeness or the fact that Axel is right next to me. I'm just not Sora; Sora, the happy, friendly, popular, good twin. The one everyone loves, that's just not me. I'm just Roxas, I'm Roxas, and that's all I can ever be. And Roxas is the exact opposite of Sora, so it was impossible for this many people to like me. Carefully, as if it were a fragile piece of glass, I took Demyx's trembling hand in my own, "It's nice to meet you Demyx."
"N-nice to meet you too, R-ro…" Demyx voice cut off and the tears in his eyes began to fall, though it seemed as though he was trying desperately to not let me see them. Without another word Demyx dropped my hand, turned around, and in an eerily calm fashion, walked out of the cafeteria. It was almost like he had a destination and that was the only place left for him to go. It was scary, if I didn't feel so bad myself I would have gone after him. The way he walked away was just that frightening, and luckily, Zexion spared Axel and me one last glare before chasing after the zombie blond. Now I at least knew he would be taken care of. Ugh, why do I always have to care about people I don't even know, especially when I don't give a crap about me?
As it turned out, I was right. It was impossible for people to like me. I'm just not my twin, and as hard as I try, I will never be him. Silently, I turned around, ignored the hand Axel reached out to me, and began walking towards the nearest bathroom with a single tear falling down my face.
oOo
"N-nice to meet you too, R-ro…" Oh hell! Demyx couldn't do it. I saw it in his watering eyes, and immediately knew this was too much for him to handle. Goddamnit, why did I bring Roxas here? Because Roxas needs friends and you wanted to help him jackass, added to that he makes you all tingly. Shut up! Oh, good God, I'm fighting with myself.
I watched with a guilty heart as Demyx dropped Roxas' hand and walked away. But the way he walked away gave me an uneasy sense of déjà vu. I have seen that before, I know that slow, determined walk. What does it mean and why can't I remember? I looked to Zexion, he always has the answers, to find him giving me a 'how could you' look, before chasing after my ex-boyfriend. This is going smashingly, I thought. Before I could get back to figuring out where I had seen that walk before I saw Roxas turn around and walk towards me. I held my hand out, intending to give him comfort, but he simply brushed pass me without any acknowledgement of my presence. And the tear on his cheek broke my heart into pieces. Yes, things were going just peachy.
"I told you Zexion fucked Demyx. Did you see his face? Axel did a number on him." Larxene whispered loudly.
"But Demyx was crying when he shook hands with Roxas. Don't you think if Demyx was getting something he'd be a little more cheerful. The stories don't seem to be adding up." Marluxia responded.
"Well, Demyx is the guilty type, maybe he feels bad for cheating on Axel" Larxene reasoned.
"True, true. Axel did say Demyx was going to be sleeping with Zexion last night."
"That sounds like fucking to me." Larxene snickered, "How about you Riku?"
"Leave me out of this." Riku sat back in his seat.
"God, do you people ever shut up!?" I yelled loud enough to attract the attention of the entire cafeteria. "No one is fucking anyone!" And with that last eloquent statement, I stormed after Roxas.
Before I was out of hearing distance, I heard Vexen mumble, "He really is bitchy today." If I wasn't in such a hurry to find my blond I would've turned around, slammed his head into the table and given him hell. But alas, my Roxy needed me, so that tempting event would not be happening today. It didn't take me long to find Roxs, he was in the first bathroom I entered. By the sounds of it, I would guess that he's crying. And I don't know how I know that the person in the end stall is Roxas. I just knew; I could feel it. That was my blond, and he was in pain.
After making sure Roxas and I were the only two people in the bathroom, I locked the door and walked up to the end stall. Raising my fist I gently tapped on the door. "Roxy, don't let Demyx bother you. It's not that he doesn't like you, he's just sad and this was too much for him to handle in one day. Everyone else likes you Roxy. You were all getting along."
"They only pretended to like me, 'cause you were there." Roxas answered me quietly.
"Open the door." I demanded.
"No."
"Ugh!" I growled in frustration. Demyx would've opened the door. Demyx would never fight me. If this were Demyx I'd already be in there cheering him up. If this were Demyx, I probably wouldn't have followed him, I thought sadly. "Will you please open the door Roxas. It's just you and me in here." I tried again, as I pushed my thoughts away.
"Axel, there's no point in you being nice to me. I know I'm not anything special. I know that there's no way you can like me, you're just being nice. And that's what your friends are doing too."
"Roxas…"
"Sora is someone people can get along with, I'm just a nobody that everyone hates or ignores…"
"Roxas…" My voice was growing louder, every time I said his name.
"And you, pretending to be my friend just because you're nice…"
I slammed my head against the door, "Roxas…"
"Is cruel, so stop being so nice!"
"ROXAS!" I yelled and ripped the stall door open, breaking the lock. Then I grabbed the frightened blond by his shoulders, pulled him out and pushed him up against the bathroom wall. I could feel his small body trembling beneath my fingers, but didn't cease my violent actions. Roxas was so small compared to Demyx. I imagined Roxas might break if I touch him with too much force. He's just so much smaller. Unlike the inicident with Demyx, however, I was completely in control of my actions. My fingers were not digging into Roxas' delicate flesh, I had not slammed him against the wall, every touch I made was forceful, but gentle at the same time. I took great care in each touch I gave him, and I was doing this for him, not for me. For once, this had nothing to do with me. And that scared me. Everything has always been about me, why does Roxas make me care so much? "I am not nice. The only person that matters in my world is me. I attacked my boyfriend, and screwed him up to the point of having a suicidal meltdown. I beat the shit out of my best friend, and now he's all funny colored, and his fucking emo hair can't even hide all of it. Dem and Zex are people I like Roxas, maybe even love! Trust me, if I didn't like you, I would make it very clear. You would know."
"Axel…" Roxas, who was no longer trembling but still had tears in his eyes, whispered. I put a single finger over his lips and shook my head.
"Shh…it's my turn to talk Roxy. You've helped me twice, now it's my turn. Don't make me pull my duct tape out."
"You have duct tape?"
"Shush! I've liked you since your first day of school her. Sure it started as lust and nothing more. I couldn't get enough of your messy blond hair, your full pouty lips that always seem to turn up, just a little when I enter a room, those deep blue eyes, and the sound of your voice. Oh, I lusted over you so much. But then, as I got to know you more, just by watching you in class, it wasn't lust anymore, Roxas. I wanted to know more about you. I remember the day it changed for me. We were in math class and you were thinking really hard; you had stuck your pencil in your mouth, scrunched your face and were tapping you fingers on the desk.
"And I thought to myself, after getting over the cuteness of that, I want to know why he does that. I want to know if there are anymore adorable little habits just waiting for me to discover. I wonder if he likes the same things as me. I just couldn't stop thinking about knowing more about you. And yesterday, you walked up to me, confidence pouring off of you, and said, 'you're gay?' Then I proceeded to make an ass of myself, but you didn't leave. You laughed. You…I couldn't get enough of you. I loved that confidence, but I can tell its hiding your insecurities. And I imagined myself helping you through that. Helping you with everything you may need. Roxas, I don't help people. I'm the only person that matters to me, and somehow, you pushed your way into my world, and I'm not the only person I care about…" I froze. What had I just said? To care for someone other than me, that means that…that's dangerous, I can't…I c-can't care about anyone other than me, I'd only get hurt. I let go of Roxas' shoulders and backed away, slowly.
oOo
"I'm the only person that matters to me, and somehow, you pushed your way into my world, and I'm not the only person I care about…" Axel looked like a dear in the headlights, and I felt him release me. Then he started to back away from me, like I was the end of his life, until he hit a wall. "I can't, I c-can't care about anyone else." I heard him mumble to himself as if I weren't standing right here. "You'll get hurt, you know that. Caring about people only leads to trouble. It's just you and me. Me, myself, and I, everyone else just wants to hurt me. I can't let anyone in. I can't. It's dangerous. I can't. This can't happen."
Out of all the friends I could have made here, I made friends with the hot man, boiling over with sexy goodness, who talks to himself. And I thought I had problems. As I began to walk towards Axel, he fell to the floor and his hands started gripping at his lovely hair. Oh sweet déjà vu. I thought I'd worked out all these creases. I stood over Axel, with a foot on each side of his legs, and waited for him to look at me. When those green orbs finally met mine, I sat on top of his knees, grabbed his wrists, and pulled his hands out of his hair. No, Demyx certainly was not the man for Axel.
"It's okay to care about other people Axel. Not everyone is going to hurt you, though I can certainly understand why you may feel this way. But not every person you meet is going to be your father Axel. You have four friends in the lunchroom right now, who love you." I need to find Axel someone strong. A man who can show him what it's like to be loved. He needs man who's strong, and who can put up with his aggression and calm him down without hurting him. And a man who needs him, because Axel needs to feel needed, I can tell. "Demyx never hurt you, did he?"
"No." He whispered back to me, and averted his eyes from mine. With a gentle hand, I forced his eyes back to mine.
"See, you can care about someone without being hurt. You don't need to withdraw from everyone, and hide yourself. It's okay to let people in sometimes. You let Zexion in, has he ever betrayed you?"
"No."
"I know you haven't known me long, and you've let me in more than you've let any of your friends in, and I promise you Axel, I will never hurt you. I know what it's like to have someone you love hurt you and I would never dream of doing that to you. Because, Axel, I care about you too." I leaned forward and pressed my lips against Axel's in a chaste kiss. Nothing that would scare him, I just wanted to emphasize my feelings. All too quickly I ended my kiss, and relieved Axel of any uneasy feelings I may have given him. "I think you need a friend like me, and I know I need a friend like you. Please don't shut me out."
Axel nodded slowly, "I do need a friend like you. I like that I can be myself with you, and you know all my secrets, but you don't think differently of me. Roxas, I've never told anyone that my dad used to abuse me. The only reason Zexion knows, is because he witnessed it. I like that I feel like I can tell you anything and you won't judge me. You may hit me to knock some sense into me, but you won't hate me. You're right; I need a friend like you. Don't hurt me, I've never trusted anyone before. Please don't hurt me." Axel's eyes stayed glued to mine the entire speech, neither of us looked away.
"I promise you Axel, I will never hurt you." And Axel closed the space between us, connecting our lips. It was needy, but not like the last one. It felt like Axel was kissing me for confirmation, sealing the deal. But almost as soon as that thought crossed my mind, his tongue slipped out, and I opened my mouth. Now, it felt like a kiss between lovers, like Axel needed to know that I cared about him, just as much as he cared for me. And I did. I really did. Despite our agreement to just be friends, he felt like much more than that to me.
I dropped Axel's arms and laced my fingers through his hair just as he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me against his stomach. I could feel his quickening heartbeat against mine, and as narcissistic as it sounds, I felt that it beat for me and me alone. But why would anyone want to live for me. As he deepened the kiss I squeezed my legs tighter against his thighs, and buried my fingers further in his hair. This felt so right. I came to this school looking for an answer, but this is so much better. This feeling of being on top of the world, of being cared about, being…dare I say, loved?
It's amazing, I came in here because I was upset, and somehow it turned into Axel needing comfort. All my previous concerns were washed away when I saw him lose it. I was so frightened, and suddenly, my ridiculous worries of people not liking me, didn't seem so important. The only thing important to me was pulling Axel out of that place that threatened to destroy him. I needed to be strong for him. Strong? Was I a strong man? Am I the type of person Axel needs? Maybe I am, maybe I came to this school, for a reason. Out of all the schools I could have chosen, I came to this one. And maybe, just maybe, I was meant to come here because Axel and I need each other.
When I ran out of air I held out for a moment longer before pulling away from Axel. "That's a little friendlier that friends are supposed to be with each other." I commented.
"Yeah." Axel smirked.
"Are we good?"
"Yes we're good, we're friends. We need each other. And you, you know my friends like you right?"
"I'm still not sure about the Bug, Model, Pink, and Chemicals. I can't imagine why they would like me. Right now, you feel like my only friend, my slightly overly friendly friend, but my friend none the less."
"You kissed me first, and give them a chance Roxy. Let them get to know you. And what's with the nicknames?" Axel asked. I could tell he wasn't completely recovered from his last melt down, but it definitely seemed like he was doing better.
"I forgot the real ones." I answered nonchalantly.
"Does that happen much?" He smirked. Ah yes, he was coming back to me. A little at a time, he was recovering.
"All the time. I'm really bad with names."
"You knew mine."
"You're special."
"Really? I'm special?" Axel beamed. I hadn't been lying, I really do suck with names, but for some reason, Axel stuck. "So Roxy, are you ready to go back to the cafeteria, or do you want to go somewhere else?"
"I feel like I should be asking you that." I commented, and when I realized I was still straddling Axel's legs, I rolled off of him so I was now sitting by his side.
"Hey, Roxas?" Uh oh, he's using his serious voice, and my real name.
"Yeah."
"What did you mean when you said you know what it's like to be hurt by the people you love?"
"I um, it doesn't matter, let's just go back to the cafeteria." I said, and immediately regretted it when I looked back at Axel. His head was now hanging and his smirk was gone. He probably thought I didn't trust him now. "It's not that I don't want to tell you Axel, it's just…we're on a bathroom floor."
"Yeah, I get it, don't worry." Axel said in a pretty convincing tone, but I knew too much about him now. He was hurt. Damnit, Roxas, and you just promised you wouldn't hurt him.
"I already told you my parents weren't very supportive of my coming out, right."
"In a roundabout way, yes." Axel mumbled.
"Well, that didn't hurt as much as what my brother did to me. In school, Sora…he would tease me. He even told the entire school I was gay, and I wasn't ready for that. My parents had just told me I was filth for loving the wrong gender, and then my brother tells the entire school. Sure, some people could care less about my sexual orientation, but the ones who did care, really cared. I was teased, and beat up on a daily basis by half of the guys in my school, including my brother."
"Your brother beat you up."
"No, he was worse. He never touched me, but, his words, they were worse than any beating I ever received. That was when I was sixteen and it lasted for the rest of that year and the next year. Actually, I think your friend, Model…"
"Riku."
"Yeah, Riku, I think he went to school with me, but he was one of the jocks, so I never really saw him or talked to him."
"Riku's gay though, he wouldn't pick on you."
"No, and he never did, that's why I don't really know him. I saw him in my house a few times, but I stay away from my brother and his friends. It only leads to trouble for me. Because, I'm broken, I'm wrong, there's something wrong with me."
"There's nothing wrong with you."
"I know, in my heart, I know that. But it feels like there's something wrong with me."
"I'm sorry Roxas." Axel whispered, and pulled me into his arms. I let my head rest on his shoulder, and let his warmth spread through me. This is all I'd ever wanted in my life. To feel loved. To feel like someone actually cares about me. Who knew I'd find it on a bathroom floor in a college, thousands of miles away from my home. No, my house, that place was not a home. The minute my family abandoned me, it was no longer a home. It was a prison, and Axel had released me.
oOo
He brought him. I had nothing against Roxas, but how could he bring him? It hasn't even been twenty-four hours since I broke up with him. How could Axel do this to me? How could I be mad at him, he's done nothing wrong? He has every right to be with Roxas. In fact, I told him to. Roxas is way better than me, who wouldn't choose him over me. I should be happy for Axel, he's moving on nicely. That's good.
"We don't have to go to them Dems, we can leave if you want?" Zexion suggested.
"No, no, I'm okay." I lied confidently, "Let's go see our friends." I finished with determination. Zexion's presence at my side strengthened me every step of the way as we walked towards that table. Each movement brought me closer to Axel, and each step made me happier. I hadn't affected him too much. He would still be happy; he could live a normal Demyx free life now. Unfortunately, Zexion's strength couldn't help me when we arrived at the table.
Axel's eyes met mine and I saw so much guilt in them it killed me. Why would he feel guilty, why is he doing that to himself? I wish I could just hold him again and tell him not to worry, that I'm okay, and none of it was his fault. I'd force myself to be happy if it'd make him happy. But one look at the blond by his side told me that if I did that I'd make things worse. Worse than I already have. I'm the one that put that guilt in his eyes. It's my fault he feels this way. And I almost ruined what little happiness he had by not thinking before acting. I was so close to wrapping my arms around him, but I couldn't do that anymore.
He finally had Roxas. He didn't have to worry about my filthy hideous body, my bland personality, my inability to be what he needed, fucking up his life anymore. He had someone who is as perfect as he is. He has someone who will be everything he needs, wants, and never expected to be fortunate enough to have. He has Roxas, the man of his dreams, the man I can never be.
"Well Roxy," I couldn't help the tears that formed in my eyes. He even gave him a nickname. I know I told him to move on, but it hurt to know I could be replaced so quickly. It just proved what a nobody I am. And I felt even worse when I realized I was ruining Axel's happiness by standing here. I'm destroying his ability to get on with his life, because for some God awful reason, he thought he'd done something wrong. If only I could tell him it's all my fault. I would, if I ever got him alone, I'd make sure he knew I was the villain here, and he needs to go live his happily ever after with Roxas, and I need to die, as the villain often does. "This is Demyx and Zexion. You guys, this is Roxas." I held my hand out to Roxas, desperately trying to hold back my tears, I didn't need to make him feel bad too.
"It's nice to meet you Demyx." Roxas said as he took my hand and I nearly broke down.
"N-nice to meet you too, R-ro…" I couldn't take it anymore. Axel was still watching me with those guilt ridden eyes and Roxas was being brought into this, and how could Axel be so nice after what I've done. He, they, deserved to be happy together, but as long as I'm here, they can never have that. Because I'll be a constant reminder to Axel of what happened today. If I'm gone, he'll have a better chance of being relieved of any unnecessary guilt he may have towards me. I couldn't ruin this for Axel, I had to give him his second chance, a second chance I don't deserve. I needed to get out of here. My grotesque being didn't belong here anymore. I should've ended it on the cliff.
I dropped Roxas' hand and turned around. With careful steps I made my way out of the cafeteria, pass the bathrooms, and away from the elevator, all the way out of the school, out of everyone's life, and into the parking lot. My thoughts were no longer of Axel and his perfect new boyfriend. Now, all I could think of was Zexion. What if I did that to Zexion? What if Zexion looked at me with those sad quilty eyes, because I'd ruined his chance to be happy. I couldn't risk that. Either I'd damage him, or he'd hurt me, and I couldn't live through either of those situations. It's best if I just remove myself, like I'd originally planned.
As I entered the parking lot, I felt a familiar sense of relief wash over me. I'd never have to feel anything again. Nothing felt better than knowing that, and I was lucky enough, though I hardly deserve it, to have experienced that twice in my life. Unfortunately, that sweet feeling of relief was somewhat bitter this time around. This time the wonderful feeling was being interrupted by a tiny nagging voice in the back of my head that, oddly enough, sounded like Zexion.
It's true, over the past few hours, Zexion has made me feel better, but it's also true that I don't deserve that. And I shouldn't be having these overly friendly feelings towards him either. That's my worst sin. Zexion deserves so much better than me, and I dared to hope I had a chance with him. A relationship with me can only end in a horribly painful way for both of us, and I can't do that to Zexion. Despite what that nagging voice was pleading, I knew I was right in my decision to end it…again, but for real this time. There'd be no backing out. Hell, I may not even get out of my car.
Once again, I found myself sliding into my beat up car, and without hesitation I started it. Then I drove away with no intention of returning. As I drove through the parking lot I heard Zexion scream my name. I'd never heard him even raise his voice and my eyes flashed over the rearview mirror as I slowed down a bit. No! What was I doing? It's better for him, for them all, but mostly him if I leave. I tore the mirror off, which wasn't entirely difficult because the only thing keeping it up was duct tape, and I sped out of the school parking lot with the image of Zexion screaming my name in my head. This is it, and I'm never looking back.
oOo
I liked Roxas. He's cute, hiding some sort of insecurity, but knows what he wants. He's confident on the surface and I think he may actually be a good match for Axel. I imagine he has the strength to put Axel in his place. But why the hell did Axel have to bring him with today. Any other day, maybe, but it hasn't even been twenty-four hours. I had no idea how Demyx was going to react to this, and the way he was leisurely walking out of the cafeteria with an untold purpose and tears falling down his face, had me scared.
I sent a quick glare towards Axel and unintentionally at Roxas before chasing after Demyx, who'd already left the cafeteria. As I stood between the cafeteria's double doors I decided to check the bathroom across from me first. With quick precision I opened the door and called, "Demyx!" No one answered. "Damnit!" Maybe he went to my room. No, come on Zexion, think carefully, panicking never helps. Where would Demyx go?
As my head slowly turned towards the parking lot I heard someone behind me ask, "Is Demyx the kid with a mullhawk?" I didn't pay attention to the details of the kid; I just wanted to know what he knew.
"Yes."
"He went out to the parking lot." Shit! I so didn't want to be right this time, but I was. Without a word of thanks to the kind brunette, I sprinted out of the school looking in every direction for a blond head of hair. He couldn't have gone that far, I was right behind him and he was walking slowly.
I had no idea where he parked and this lot was huge. However, when I hear the distinctly familiar growl of Demyx's piece of shit car starting up I sprinted in the direction of the noise and found him just as he was pulling away. "Demyx!" I screamed, which is something I don't do, in fact, I wasn't even aware I could. But I must have because Demyx was slowing down and all the people in the parking lot were staring at me like I was a lunatic. Before I could take another step forward, Demyx sped up, and tore out of the lot.
A tear rolled down my face, as I stood stunned for about half a second. Then I scratched the wretched drop off my face, and ran towards my car. I didn't have time for tears, my car was parked at least a mile away and it wasn't exactly fast. As I was running, which was quite a feat for me, I'm not entirely athletic, I spotted a red 1967 Chevelle with the license plate 'PYRO 8'. I stopped immediately and walked up to Axel's pride and joy. This'll work. I reached out, gripped the door handle and pulled. Locked, of course.
Without hesitation I raised my fist and brought it down on the left rear window. Thanks to the minimal weight training I do, I surprised myself and broke through on the first attempt. Or maybe it was the adrenaline, either way I barely felt the glass slice through my hand nor did I feel the warm blood spilling out. I had to get to Demyx.
I didn't even feel the glass, which was still sticking in my hand, pull as I reached around to unlock the door. I didn't care that my blood was staining the fabric of Axels precious car as I hotwired it. I didn't care that I may have damaged my right hand, which happens to be the hand I write with, and is a very important piece of my musical talent. I only cared about getting to Demyx before I lost him.
oOo
As I watched Kairi strip and discard yet another perfectly good outfit on my usually spotless bedroom floor, I asked myself, how did my life get here? Didn't I use to be happy? Wasn't there a time when I could smile with something more than emptiness? There had to be a time were everything I did wasn't a façade for my friends and family, else I wouldn't' be so good at faking it.
I continued to watch Kairi as she put the finishing touches on her outfit. She's very pretty, especially her hair, but I never want to comb my fingers through it. And those blue eyes, they are beautiful, so why don't I feel anything when I look in them. I suppose the answer is easy, but I can't accept it. No, I'm lucky to have Kairi, I should be the happiest man in the world. But what does it even mean, to be happy?
"How about these Sora?" Is it even possible for me to feel that emotion, after all I've done and said? "Sora?" Maybe I'm not happy because I don't deserve it. "Sora?!" I'd made my choice, chose my side, and now the only two people who ever understood me are thousands of miles away, and I feel numb. "SORA!"
"God what?! Can't you tell I'm having an inner monologue?!" I shouted at my beautiful, perfect, best thing in my life, girlfriend. I mean, I'm here, sort of. I've been watching her strip and try on clothes for hours. What more does she want?
"Inner what?" Kairi's face scrunched in confusion. When we were friends I used to think it was cute, like a little bunny. Now I wanted to push her out the window and throw her fucking clothes out after her. Seriously, I like to keep my room in pristine condition, and look what she does. I just wanted to pop her fucking head off like a dandelion. Ugh…bad thoughts Sora, what have I told you about bad thoughts. With an expertise I had developed over the years, I locked all my nasty thoughts away.
"Never mind, what did you want?" I asked in a tired and frustrated voice. I was exhausted from doing this all day and just wanted to get this movie date over with. Unfortunately, what Kairi wants Kairi gets, and right now Kairi wants me to watch her repeatedly get dressed and undressed while making a mess of my room until the movie starts.
"What have I wanted every other time Sora?" Kairi was beginning to lose her patience with me, and today was not a good day for that. I should've stayed in bed, I shouldn't have woken up, and now, I'm going to regret my next actions.
"Yes Kairi, it makes you look fat, in fact, every single outfit makes you look fat, despite the fact that I assured you they didn't, and that you are beautiful." I said in my most sincere voice. Tears filled Kairi's lovely blue eyes, and it seems even that won't stop me. After four years of hiding all my true emotions, I was finally snapping, which was bittersweet. On one hand, to snap means I'm feeling an emotion, but on the other, I'm going to feel horrible about this, Kairi doesn't deserve it. "I look at you every day and think, what the fuck am I doing with this, this, girl, ugh…I can't stand it. I can't stand you, I hate my life, but mostly, I hate myself!" By the time I had finished I had raised my voice and Kairi looked broken. She didn't deserve this. She was beautiful, amazing, patient, caring, and loving. She's the greatest thing in my horrible lie of a life, and I'd just brought her to tears. It tore me apart, the way she looked at me as though I'd ripped her heart out. "Kairi…" I stood up and walked towards her.
"Shut up Sora!" Kairi turned away from me. I've lashed out a few times and Kairi is always in the line of fire, it's not fair. "I don't know how much more of this I can take. I haven't done anything to deserve such harsh words from you." She furiously wiped tears from her eyes, spreading makeup across her face.
"I'm sorry Kairi." I'm such a horrible person. Why can't I be a normal, happy person? Why do I have to be the depressed angry selfish human I am?
"No Sora, you're not. You say that every time, but you always do it again. It hurts me Sora, and I don't know how much more pain I can handle."
"I didn't mean it Kairi, please don't leave me."
"That's exactly the problem; you don't mean it." Kairi took a few steps towards me and placed her hands on my chest. Then she pushed me backwards until the back of my knees hit my bed and I fell, sitting on the edge. Not satisfied with my new position, Kairi pushed my chest down so I was now lying on it, and then she crawled onto the bed and straddled my legs. "We've been together for four years, and you still don't mean it."
"What?" I squeaked, somewhat frightened.
"Sora, you are almost a perfect boyfriend. You carry my books for me, walk me to class, open doors for me, and bring me gifts just because you feel like it. You know everything about me; my favorite color, band, my best friend, what makes me sad, what makes me happy. You've never forgotten an anniversary and you always do something special. Your parents love me, and we all get along, but you don't love me."
"Kairi…"
"Shh…Sora, you don't mean it when you say 'I love you', I can tell. On the rare occasion that you touch me, more than holding my hand, you're hesitant. I used to think it was because you were inexperienced, but it's not. You just don't want to touch me. And when we kiss, let's just say 'we' is the wrong word. You don't love me, and I know it. But I love you enough to wait for you to love me.
I couldn't lose her, what would my parents say, what would they think? What if I couldn't find another girl? What if they thought I was like Roxas? Would they shun me too? Would they scorn me to the point that I would want to move thousand of mile away just to be away from them. I need a girlfriend, I need Kairi. "Please don't leave me Kairi. I'll try harder, just don't leave. I need you."
Kairi placed her hands on either side of my face and brought her head down touching her lips to mine. "I'm not leaving you. I still love you, and I'm going to fight for you forever." When Kairi's hands trailed down my neck and across my arms my heart began to race with panic, and I quickly shoved her away from me. With a hurt expression she looked up at me from the floor, "Why won't you let me see you without a shirt on? You're my boyfriend and I've only seen your face, your hands, and occasionally your feet."
"I'm shy?" I tried as I readjusted my sleeves making sure everything was covered.
"Shy? You're the most outgoing person I know." Kairi answered skeptically.
"I'm sorry Kairi."
"It's okay Sora, it's all a matter of patience. You'll trust and love me one day. I know you will." Kairi spoke as she kneeled in front of me and wrapped her arms around my waist. My arms didn't move from my sides. They never did. "I'm going to go fix my makeup and we can see the movie, okay?"
"Okay." I nodded numbly as Kairi walked into my bathroom. I may appear to be a happy young adult, with a loving girlfriend, going to a great college, to everyone who meets me, and everyone who knows me, but on the inside I'm numb, dead to the world. I want to feel something real, anything real. I want to love Kairi and enjoy her company, but I feel so numb. I just want to feel.
AN: Okay, first of all, 8,000+ words, longest chapter ever. So yes, long wait, but I gave you and extra long chapter, that took over ten hours to type. Though I suppose there was a bit too much Akuroku, and I left the Zemyx on a cliffhanger so I could fit SoKairi in. Yup, well, I hope you like this chapter anyway. And I will try to get chap 9 up asap, since I feel this cliffhanger is cruel. And I've already guessed that this story is gonna be shorter than my other stories cuz the chaps are so long.
Thanks for all reviews, favs, and alerts, they are greatly appreciated.
