AN: I'm not dead…as far as I know. I haven't actually been doing absolutely nothing. I wrote a Christmas oneshot in seven parts. It was like 17,000 words I think. So I haven't been completely lazy, just mostly lazy. And this chapter has actually been written for a few weeks I just didn't feel like typing, however I took a few days off of AIM and sat down, and typed. Almost 9,000 words later, here is the long awaited chapter ten.
You didn't actually think I'd start this chapter with Zexion, did you? I'm just not that nice, here's Roxas.
Chapter Ten: Love Won't Let Me
I watched with a smirk on my face as Axel turned away from me and immediately collided with someone standing behind him. I was able to suppress my laughter until I saw movement in the pile of tangled human limbs on the floor. But as soon as I knew they were okay, I was laughing up a storm. I'm pretty sure that's not the exit Axel had planned. Both bodies were face down on the dirty hallway floor, with Axel lying on top of the small, unfortunate brunette. As I stepped forward to help them to their feet I noticed the very familiar spike to the brunette's hair, and the very similar shape to his body. My laughter immediately stopped and all attempts at helping them were lost.
I slowly backed a few steps away from the pile of humans. This couldn't be happening. He was not here. This was my new start, how could he ruin this for me? I closed my eyes willing the small brunette away when I heard Axel speak, "Sorry man, didn't see you." How could he not see him? Everyone notices him. As far as I know Axel's not blind, and he is impossible to miss, so Axel must have seen him. Maybe he just wanted to see what it felt like to lay on top of him. "But really, what the hell?! Couldn't you tell I was attempting to make a dramatic exit?!"
"Um, n-no, sorry, I…um." That's him. There's no doubt about it. That is my brother's voice, I can tell, even with the uncharacteristic stuttering and the complete lack of confidence, my eyes closed, and the entire building around us having their own conversations, I knew it was him. Why did I ever think it'd be possible to have a second chance, to just forget about high school and live in the now? That just wasn't possible for me; of course he had to come here. But I had one comfort in this school, no one seemed to care that I was gay. I haven't been hiding that fact, and no one had done a damn thing about it. It was refreshing, and like two days in a desert without, Sora had dehydrated me once again. Did he hate me that much?
I let out a sigh, attempting to calm myself I looked up, in search of Axel. He was now sitting on the floor with one leg extended and one knee slightly pulled up. I immediately looked to his eyes for strength, and they were already there for me, already watching me for any signs that they may be needed. The green eyes gave me the power to step forward. "Sora." I said, causing my brother, who was sitting on his knees, to twist his head around and meet my eyes. I could try to hate him all I wanted, for everything he's done but for the life of me I couldn't. The honest truth is, despite his betrayal, despite the cruel taunts, despite everything, I love my brother, and I've missed him. I wanted to hug him, more than anything, but I resisted. That only led to him shoving me away and telling me he wasn't in to twincest, and my fruity ass better stay away from him.
However, as soon as his eyes met mine I saw tears form, and he threw his arms around my waist and cried "Roxas." Clinging tighter to me, Sora placed his chin on my stomach and continued to look up into my eyes, while tears fell from his. I had no idea what the brunette was going to do so I did all I could think of. I placed a nervous hand on his back and glanced at Axel for some form of support. The redhead unfortunately was no help. Rather than being someone I could lean on, he was looking quite baffled at the exchange that had just gone down, and I found it adorable. Somehow it no longer mattered that he wasn't exactly oozing strength for me, because for some reason, confusion and shock fit his face perfectly and I just couldn't get enough of it. All worries left when I looked at him, and that particular face always brought me joy. It's one of the reasons I grabbed his arms in the hall. I just love to surprise him and get that incredibly cute look to cross his face and bring a smile to mine. That and I just wanted to see if he could talk without moving his hands, as it turns out he can't.
"Um, Axel, this is my brother, Sora. The one I just told you about." The confusion immediately left his face as his eyes looked away from me and sent a murderous glare into the back of Sora's head.
"Is it now? Let me kill him." Axel said as he stood up and took a threatening step forward, which caused Sora to maneuver himself around me to hide from the angry redhead. His arms were still wrapped around me and I could feel him shaking. Sora had never received a beating before so he no doubt, had no idea what to prepare himself for. I however knew exactly what could happen in this sort of situation and allowed him to continue to cower behind me.
"Axel!" I scolded my redhead. Wait, my redhead? I shook the thought away and continued to glare at him for even thinking of being a bully. I hated bullies.
"He's an asshole Roxas." Okay, maybe he's not a complete bully; he's just defending me, for everything that was done to me. But still, I don't like to promote beatings, no matter how much I think Sora probably deserves it. At least, I don't think I like to promote it.
"That doesn't mean you can kill him." I shoved Axel away as he tried to reach a hand around me to grab Sora who squeaked and continued to use me as a shield.
"Can I hurt him?" Axel nearly begged me when he gave up on grabbing Sora. It was almost irresistible to deny him, maybe a little too irresistible.
"Hmm…well, maybe a little." I allowed and watched as an enormous evil grin overtook Axel's face. For some reason that facial expression on him made me want to throw him on his bed and please him in every way possible before allowing him to have his way with me. Once again I was shaking thoughts of Axel out of my head. What am I thinking calling him mine and having dirty day dreams about him?
"What?!" Sora cried out from behind me as Axel reached his hand around my body, causing me to have a brief flashback of the bedroom fantasy. However, I snapped out of it and grabbed Axels arm before he could get to my brother.
"Wait! I lied, you can't hurt him Axel. He's my asshole brother, and gods know why, but I love him. So be nice." I couldn't hold back my laughter as the expression on Axel's face turned to that of a child whose balloon had just floated away. Yet another face that seemed to suit him perfectly. How can one person look so damn sexy in everything he does?
"First you tell me I can't drink," Axel began as he retracted his hand, "Now you tell me I can't hurt him. What's next?" He threw his arms out and let them crash back to his sides like a penguin trying to fly. "Are you going to tell me I can't have sex anymore?!" I continued to laugh the entire time he was talking. His voice was on the border line of sounding completely insane, and Sora was trembling horribly behind, but I found so much humor in the whole situation. I loved to laugh, and I hadn't been able to do it for years, this was a blessing to me. Plus, I found a new way to shock Axel.
"Actually…" I couldn't help it. I had to mess with him. It was just too much fun, and he made it too easy.
"No! No, no, no!" Axel crossed his arms over one another to accentuate the fact that there was no way in hell this was happening. "I draw the line at that. For you, I can quit drinking. For you I can control my rage. But there is no way I can become celibate for you!"
I felt Sora stand up behind me and whisper in my ear, "Is he your boyfriend?"
"No, he's just a friend." I whispered to Sora. Then I spoke to the redhead, "Relax Axel, I was kidding."
"Is he…okay?" Sora whispered hesitantly clutching my shoulder so he could get closer to me. "You know, like in the head?"
"For the most part." I answered, still watching Axel, and for some reason I was entranced by the steady rise and fall of his chest. And the way his fists were clenched tight along with every visible muscle on him, had me wanting to let him have his way with me on his bed again. Ugh, damn these creative fantasies. But alas, I could feel Sora breathing on the back of my neck and I desperately wanted to find out why he was here, in my school. I came here to get away from him, to find out if people could like me when he's not around. But no, I can't have that. He's come to take away my second chance. Before long, Axel's going to be hanging all over Sora and he really, would no longer be my Axel, not that he was now. But I'd truly loose him. I'll be back to having zero friends. "Sora, why are you here?"
"Last weekend mom and dad decided I had to come here. They forced me, Roxas. I wanted to give you space. I wanted you to have your second start, but they threw me in Cloud's car, with one bag of clothing," Sora indicated the bag hanging off his shoulder, "And sent me away. Roxas I really didn't want you to have to deal with me again, but I have nowhere to go," Tears were now falling down Sora's face, "and I don't know what to do, and I'm so sorry for everything I've ever done to you, I'm just so sorry. And I don't even deserve your help. You should probably just leave me in the hallway and keep me out of your life."
"I thought you said he was a happy person. He seems quite depressing to me." Axel interrupted the silence.
"Shut up Axel. Sora, why did mom and dad send you here?" I asked gently as I turned around and pulled my brother into that hug I'd been dying to give him. I really had missed him, more than I'd like to admit.
"I-I'd rather not say, at least…not here." Sora murmured into my shoulder. What could possibly be so bad that mom and dad would send him away? Did he get Kairi pregnant?
"Um…Axel, why don't you go back to the cafeteria? I'm going to take Sora to my room, we need to talk. I'll come find you later." I spoke to my redhead, who was looking taken aback. It was almost like he was going to miss me, like he didn't want me to leave and was only being complacent because I asked it of him. But despite the almost rejected look on Axel's face, a look I did not want to see again, I turned away from him and began to drag my brother towards my room.
I was relatively sure that Axel would get over this and at the moment I was more concerned about Sora. His odd behavior was really worrying me. I'd never seen him like this before. He was…sad. No, not sad, miserable, and it was awful. He's supposed to be happy. I want to see him smile again. Like when we were kids. But first I had to find out what happened.
oOo
Why can't I get the image of Zexion chasing my car and the sound of his voice screaming my name out of my head? I'd never known Zexion to raise his voice, let alone shout. And yet, that's exactly what he did. He'd followed me out of the cafeteria, searched for me in the parking lot, and screamed for me to come back to him. And what did I do, I pulled my rearview mirror off so I wouldn't be weighed down by guilt, and I just kept driving. This is just one of the many reasons I'm better off dead. The world doesn't need me polluting it. But Zexion might need you, the small voice in the back of my head whispered, so to speak.
Zexion's better off without me, right. Everyone is better without me. I know he is. He doesn't need me. That voice is just trying to confuse me, to get me to not do what I know I should do. I need to jump; it's the best thing for everyone. So why do I feel so guilty? Why do I want to turn this car around and just let Zexion hold me again? Why am I suddenly craving Zexion's scent, the soft touch of his skin against mine, the comforting feeling of his body heat gently warming me, his eyes looking so deep into my own that it made me feel like he was looking into my soul? I wanted it all, but I didn't deserve any of it. I should be punished just for having these thoughts. It's the same as me wishing Zexion a horrible, empty and miserable life, because that's all I can ever give anyone. That's why I'm going to drive off the cliff. Now I'll never be able to ruin Zexion's life. He'll live a long and prosperous life, I won't be able to destroy Axel's second chance, and finally, I'll be at peace. This was all for the best.
With renewed determination, I pressed down harder on my reluctant gas pedal, bringing myself closer to my destination, closer to my grave. Once again my thoughts drifted to the fact that I would no longer be drowning in the sea that continues to claim me, I'd just let it take me. But this time it was different. It'd been just about twenty four hours since I last took this drive, but everything was different. Rather than simply seeing myself disappear under the deep depths of that never ending ocean, I saw Zexion's hand reach for me. Before, I had only seen my death, and now there was an alternate ending.
As I continued to go through these images I couldn't help but realize that Zexion's boat would be weighed down by me if he actually succeeded in pulling me out. To get to shore he'd have to struggle the entire way. I couldn't do that to him, he deserved a guarantee that he'd make it to the island, and the only way that might happen is without me. Now the question is, when he gets to that island, can he handle being alone? Is it more beneficial for him to have a guarantee of making it, or to have a struggle along the way but a struggle that gives him someone to be with, a struggle that guarantees he won't be alone?
In the end, I decided that I wasn't the only person drowning. Zexion would meet many more people on his way to shore, and they would all have less baggage than me. It would be much simpler for him if he carried someone other than me to that island. Even after carefully thinking it though, I know Zexion is better off without me.
As I made a sharp turn I was incredibly grateful to see that the fluorescent yellow wearing flaggers were waving my side of the road through the construction. It would seem someone is on my side, and that statement was made even more apparent when my path to the cliff became clear of all cars. Pressing my foot to the ground I made my Sundance go as fast as it could possibly go. I was almost there. I am so close to being free from this unforgiving world.
Relief shot through me as I felt my tires hit the hard stone of the cliff. Just a few feet more and I'm free. Then in the corner of my eye I spotted a flash of rally red, a color I heard from Axel's mouth almost every day when he first painted his precious car, flash by me just before it pulled directly in front of my path. The only way I was going over the cliff was if I took that car and its driver with me.
Thanks to quick reflexes, I immediately slammed on my breaks, suppressed a groan of pain from the seatbelt cutting into my neck and chest, and cut the wheel to the left, making an awful scraping screech as the bumper of my car hit and slid across Axel's car. But there was no way that was Axel. He would never risk his precious baby for me.
oOo
I would not give up. A simple matter of impossibility could not stop me. I continued to press forward, slamming the front end of Axel's car into the car in front of me, while they continued to slow down. If I thought it'd help at all, I'd honk the horn, but that would do nothing other than waste valuable energy. I was getting so frustrated that I was beginning the think, if it were anyone other than me in this situation, they'd quit. But love wouldn't let me. I couldn't just turn around and walk away, I couldn't give up without fighting, just say goodbye after everything. I couldn't do that. I meant it when I told Axel I loved Demyx. No matter what I do, I can't give up on him. I'd die for that man, whether he loves me or not. I will do whatever I have to do to ensure that he lives. Love won't let me be like everyone else in his life. It won't let me simply forget about him, because love has made him the most important person in the world to me.
Suddenly, as a result of some random miracle, the car in front of me lost control and swerved out of my path to Demyx taking the other car with it. My foot was on the gas faster than Cartman on KFC chicken and I was flying towards the cliff without the tiniest thought of just how dangerous this was. All I could think, all I could see, was Demyx in my arms again.
Hope filled every part of me as my tires hit the rock and I soon saw myself pass Demyx's piece of shit car. Then I pulled hard on the wheel, forcing Axel's Chevelle to a stop directly in Demyx's path. If he went, I was going too. I waited with my adrenaline rapidly coursing through me, for the collision that would send me to my death. I felt Axel's car lurch towards the edge of the cliff as Demyx hit me with the side of his car, scraping most of the paint off the redhead's most prized possession. I closed my eyes, fearing and accepting the unfortunate event of my untimely death, and thought of all the responsibilities I was leaving behind. What would my mother do without me? Who was going to take care of her? How could I do this to her…again? Sure, she never found out about the first time, but I'm still endangering my life, for someone who isn't her. Then my mind went to the captivating blond. Was he worth it? Was saving him truly worth all of the damage my death would cause. The answer was very simple. The answer came to me without hesitation. Yes, he was worth it. No, I'm not obsessed with him. Not like he was with Axel. I just truly love him, and nothing will ever change that. If I die he'll never know my secrets, he'll never know what he's done for me, and he may never know that I love him, but it was worth it.
When impending doom did not consume me, the realization hit me that today would not be the day of my death. I slowly opened my eyes and saw that Demyx had reacted fast enough that he hadn't hit me with enough force to push me over the edge. I watched as he put the Sundance into park, only a few feet from my front bumper. Then when both cars were completely still, I let my head fall to the steering wheel and let out a breath I wasn't aware I was holding. Holy shit!
In an attempt to recover from the near death experience, I stayed in my current position, breathing in and out carefully. I almost died. And the only scary thing was that the actual death didn't scare me. What scared me was what would happen to the people who depended on me when I was gone. I'd just accepted it so willingly, almost as if it was a release from having to be everything for everyone. It was like all the weight was lifted. I didn't have to fix anyone's problems anymore, I didn't have to take care of anyone, I didn't have to think about me, not that I do that much. On any given occasion I try my damndest to ignore myself, and just think of others. But for a moment, just a small moment, I had felt the relief of no responsibilities…again. It was a dangerous thing to bring up those old feelings, but it was worth it, for Demyx it was worth it. And no doubt, Demyx felt some of the same things when he imagined jumping off the cliff.
After regulating my breathing and registering the events and my thoughts in my head, I finally lifted my head from the steering wheel. I felt a slight ache in my neck and could almost hear it creak from the stiffness I'd kept all day. It was amazing how much the thought of death was able to loosen everything, and yet, at the same time it worried me. I'd thought that was over. I thought he'd fixed it, just by saying hi to me. But it was back. Just with a small, tiny, no miniscule threat of death, it was back. The want the need it all came back with the force of a semi truck ramming into my numb body. Why was this happening again? I knew the answer. It didn't take rocket science. My savior was trying his hardest to leave this world, and I wanted to go with him. I couldn't imagine fighting without him, and my body, every part of my being was telling me just that.
With a practiced obedience, my head slowly turned, without the tiniest hint to the battle going on within myself, to look out the window that must have broken in the collision. I released yet another breath I hadn't been aware I was holding when I saw him. My Demyx, my sweet loving savior, the reason I was still alive today, was okay. He was fully intact, and unharmed. There wasn't a scratch on his lovely form, though his face did hold a bit of shock in its features, but he was okay. He was alive, and he was standing several feet out of my reach. I wanted nothing more than to hold him in my arms and make sure he truly was safe…for now. This long distance just wasn't working for me. I needed that blond in my arms and I wasn't sure I'd be able to breathe properly until that happened.
My hand, without an ounce of the trembling I had been feeling just moments ago, reached for the door handle and closed around it. With my regained strength I pulled, and failed to release myself from the small space. Assuming I was still in a slight state of shock, I tried again, to no avail. I decided I didn't feel like fucking with the damn stubborn door when I had already assumed earlier that the only way I'd be able to breathe again was if I got myself to Demyx and made it absolutely clear to myself that he was completely unharmed. So without further ado, I reached my hands out of the broken window and placed them on the roof of the car. I then exited the beat up beauty Dukes of Hazzard style, managing to escape with only a few minor cuts to my legs as I swung them out of the window. When my feet hit the ragged stone I was still facing Axel's car, and I bent down a bit to wipe the small pieces of glass off of my jeans, which were the only reason my legs weren't a bloody mess right now.
As I stood up tall again, I turned myself around to face Demyx. Almost as if they were magnets, my eyes met my blonde's surprised eyes immediately, and refused to look away. They stuck to his eyes as if a force beyond our power; a force the strength of nature was holding them there, demanding obedience. After all there is no way to stop a wave, it comes whether you are prepared for it or not. Then it will take you with it until it finally disappears. My only hope was that when this wave disappeared, I'd be with him. I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to be with him, to be near him, to be wrapped around him. I needed him. Ha, I needed someone. It always seems as though everyone needs me, but for once, I need someone. And I need him now. With everything I had, with all the power I could muster up, I ran. I ran towards my Demyx, the only man who could ever hurt me so much, the only man who could affect me so greatly and make me loose all thoughts of the safety of others and myself. The only man I'd ever loved.
My feet slammed to the earth beneath me while my heart pounded within my chest, as I got closer and closer to the blond, the main reason I wake up every day. As soon as he was within my reach, I threw myself at him and my arms around him, immediately feeling the warmth of his body against mine. With his arms pinned beneath mine, I clung to him like my life depended on it. I buried my face in his shoulder taking in his wonderful scent and feeling his soft but not quite delicate skin next to my cheek and then realized how tight I was holding the poor man. With the amount of strength I was putting into this death grip of a hug, it would be an accurate hypothesis to say I was suffocating him, which may explain why he wasn't moving. Since suffocation is clearly the opposite result of my true intention, I decided that I really should let go. But saying and doing are two very different things. As much as I told myself to let go, I just couldn't. My body was disobeying me. This was new for me. And I can't say I like it all that much.
Once again, I told myself to let go, and only found myself tightening my grip as if I was purposefully defying myself, which is rather fucked up. But I just couldn't let go of him. What if his eyes turned to the cliff when I let go? What if he jumped, when I let go? I'd never be able to do this again. I'd never wrap my arms around this warm, comforting body, never smell the ocean breeze scent he seemed to emit, never run my fingers through his soft hair, never feel him wrapped around me as I slept. I'd never be able to tell him how he makes me feel, if I let go I'd lose all of that, and I couldn't bare it.
After what seemed like hours I resigned myself to slowly loosening my grip around him. But before I could release him, my plans changed of their own accord. I sluggishly dragged my hands up his back, memorizing the feeling of every muscle, bone, and curve, before grabbing each side of his face between them. Then I pulled him a few inches down, forcing him to be at the same level as me, and without even attempting to talk, I knew I was incapable of speech at the moment, I looked at him like I hadn't seen him in years. Those surprised, somewhat frightened and always sad blue green eyes, met mine and I never wanted to look away. If I never did anything else with my life other than look into the deep depths of this man's eyes, I would be happy. I would be more than happy, I'd have more than I ever expected for myself.
As I looked upon the man who had no idea that he that he meant everything to me, I counted every single freckle: one, two, three, like I was afraid one of those lovely little markings that made up this man's perfectly crafted face, may have gotten lost or forgotten on his way to this point. And what a shame that would be, to forget anything about this man. I could go blind and still see him perfectly, I could go deaf and still hear his voice clearly, and I could lose all sense of everything and still feel him next to me. I could never forget a single detail of this man. As Axel would say, I have him memorized. Every curve of his luscious lips, the shape of his beautiful nose, lightly spotted with freckles that extend onto his gorgeous high cheekbones, the perfection of his face altogether as a whole, I had it all memorized.
And now that everything was safe, now that Demyx wasn't rushing full speed to the edge of a cliff and I no longer had to stay composed and level headed, I realized just how close I'd come to losing all of that and more. See, the man behind the face is just as gorgeous. I actually hadn't fallen in love with his appearance until about eighth grade. I fell in love with him for who he was first. And I could never bring myself to say anything to him because I was afraid of what he'd say. We were both so young when I fell for him. I spent night and day thinking about him, thinking about what he might say if I told him how I felt, what it would be like to hold his hand as more than friends. But I could never do it. Then I finally did work up the courage. I invited him to lunch with me, and Axel of course, I didn't want scare him. I had it all planned out. I'd invite him to my house during lunch, and then when we were alone I'd tell him how I felt. But Axel beat me. I couldn't stomach telling Demyx my feelings after seeing him so happy with Axel, so I kept quiet. I wasn't meant to be happy anyway. I resigned myself to living without that wonderful man's love, and just staying friends with him, secretly loving every detail about him. Not just what was on the outside, which was what Axel had fallen in love with, but what was on the inside. Demyx is gentle, sweet, caring, he loves with all that he is, not just a tiny part of him, and so much more. Admittedly he's got some self esteem issues and is completely depressed with a side of suicidal, but I take the bad with the good, and like I've said before, I love him for every imperfection.
At the realization that the world had almost lost this man, that I had almost lost him, my legs finally lost their ability to hold me and I collapsed to my knees, not once letting go of Demyx. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I couldn't pretend to be that perfectly controlled Zexion, who's always there to fix everyone's problems anymore. I buried my face in Demyx's stomach and I let it all out. I cried. I cried like I'd never let anyone see before. I hadn't even cried this much in front of Axel. I just completely lost it. I was no longer in control of myself. This wasn't something that happened often, and it was something that never happened in front of people. And yet, in the past twenty four hours I've broken down in front of both Axel and Demyx, and both times involved Demyx nearly killing himself. When it came to him I can completely fall apart, or feel completely whole. He was just that important to me, and it was scary. But I'd rather have a complicated life with Demyx, than an easy life with someone else. Demyx was made for me, and I was made for him. If in the past I had ever had doubts about that, they were gone now. Demyx was meant for me, no one else, he was mine. I am the only person who can save him.
oOo
My body was visibly shaking as I sat in the driver's seat, with the belt still cutting into me, and my breathing ragged. I wasn't at all concerned about the fact that I had almost died. That had been my goal. The problem was that I almost took someone with me. Death was a good. It was an easy solution to my painful life. But I didn't want anyone else to suffer for it. Part of the reason I was jumping was to make everything better for everyone else. I didn't want to be such a burden to the people I cared about, but that's all I am. I'm a horrible creature that never should have been given the chance to breathe. I can't do anything right, I only hurt people, and here I almost killed someone. And I had a pretty good idea of who was in that car.
When I finally forced my body to stop shaking I stepped out of my crappy vehicle ready to face my 'rescuer'. As I slammed my door closed, because if I didn't it would refuse to close, the first thing that met my eyes was Axel's Chevelle. He was going to be pissed. He built that car from scratch, customized every bit of it to fit his personality and tastes, and spent over four months picking the perfect color, rally red. And here it sat, not quite the condition one would want their masterpiece to be in. The front bumper was hanging down where it shouldn't be, the grill was more than a little dented, the door was all bent out of shape, and most of the paint, the rally red, four month decision paint, on the left side of the car, was now on the right side of my car. I think it's safe to say Axel will be more than pissed. To be frank, I'm a little frightened to see his reaction when he finds out about this.
Then I watched, not at all surprised that it wasn't Axel, but completely flattered, and more than a bit guilty, as Zexion climbed out of the broken window. I couldn't help the small whine that escaped my lips. Apparently Axel's door wouldn't open, and both windows were broken. And Zexion, he'd stolen his best friend's car, trashed it, somehow figured out where I was going, and risked his life, all to save me from myself. He didn't have to do any of that, why would he do it for me? Why was I ever born? I just cause more and more trouble with ever breath I breathe, and every beat of my tattered heart. I didn't deserve this life when all I seem to do is hurt other people. I've ruined so much, I'm nothing anyone wants me to be, and I can't even bring myself to like anything about me. I'm just a waste of space.
When Zexion's feet hit the ground he bent down and wiped, what I assumed was glass, off of his pants then turned around to face me. His eyes met mine in an instant, and it didn't matter that I felt guilty and just wanted to look away, my eyes wouldn't let me. They were stuck to Zexion's and refused to move. But with all he went through, just to save me, he must be furious. Why don't I see that anger in his eyes? Is his mask on? Why can't I tell right now? Why is my heart racing? Why do I want his arms wrapped around me like they were this morning? As these questions went through my mind, I watched, literally watched as his mask fell. It was as clear as if he'd actually been wearing a true mask on his face and had pulled it off his head. The mask fell, and I saw the pain in his face, I saw everything I must have put him through. And then he ran to me.
No one has ever come to me; no one has ever needed me. He needed me? No, that had to be wrong. But before I could even begin to make sense of it, Zexion launched and wrapped himself around me. He was holding me so tight I thought I may pass out from lack of air. But his face, pressed so desperately against my shoulder, kept me wide awake. It felt so wonderful, I wanted nothing more than to wrap my arms around him and show him exactly how he was making me feel. Unfortunately, he had my arms pinned to my sides, preventing my desired action, and I was somewhat frozen in shock. Like I mentioned, no one had ever needed me before. Added to that, Zexion was holding me again.
Zexion just doesn't do that. He doesn't show emotion or affection, but that's all he's been doing for the past few days. Normally I was the one who hugged him, and he grudgingly accepted it until I was satisfied. And if anyone else dared to touch him when he was not expecting or allowing it, well let's just say spoons cause more damage than we give them credit for, especially when in the hands of a very angry Zexion. Everyone except me had learned to take their cues from him. If he was in an okay mood, it was alright to sparingly touch him. But most days, he just didn't tolerate it. He had a bubble around him that he only allowed me to penetrate without consequence. Even with that, he never, before today, touched me first. He'd just been so out of character all day, and I hadn't realized it until now.
I had been the one to attach myself to him in our bedroom, but was too upset to completely understand what it meant to have him hold me back. And in the bathroom, he'd been making me feel so good I had no other thoughts, then suddenly it was all gone ad I wasn't' thinking about the fact that he hugged me first and didn't just leave it at a hug. He started it, not me. And now, now I had finally realized it. Maybe it was the fact that I couldn't breathe, but I finally understood that in the past day, something had changed between me and Zexion, something I wasn't sure I should be allowing.
As much as I want it, and as much as Zexion seems to want it, I still think its best that he finds someone better than me. While going over all of this in my head, my air supply became more and more scarce. Like a boa constrictor, every time I breathed in his arms wrapped tighter around me. It felt so new to have someone so concerned for me. I couldn't help but bathe in the feeling. It was like he l-loved me. But that is impossible. I'm not loveable, he's confused. Although, in all my life I'd never known Zexion to get confused, but that doesn't change anything, there always has to be a first. And today is his first, because he is wrong, if he thinks he loves me, because that is impossible. That is something that will never happen.
I was beginning to think I may need to tear Zexion off of me when his grip finally started to loosen. Then his hands slowly and gently made their way up my back, dipping into each curve and making their way over my shoulder blades. I could feel myself getting weak as I lost myself in Zexion's touch. Before I knew it, those magical soft hands were on either side of my face and pulling me down a few inches to be at his level.
My eyes immediately connected with his gorgeous dark blue orbs. We were so close I could even see his right eye through the multi blue colored strands. There was more pain in those eyes than I ever thought possible to see in them. It was like it hurt him to think he came so close to losing me. And once again, the only word that came to my mind was 'impossible'. I was killing myself because I knew no one would miss me, because I knew it was best for everyone. Because I knew if I stayed, I'd ruin Zexion's life, just like I had Axel's. The pain in Zexion's eyes couldn't be from me, he was just in a car accident after all. And if it was from me then that's just even more reason for me to jump, I'm obviously causing him pain. It's in his eyes. But now I was concerned that he may be injured, which is also my fault, because my car hit his. I tried to look for any injuries on him, but his hands wouldn't allow my face to move, so I simply looked back to his pain filled eyes. Why is he looking at me like he hasn't seen me in years? Why are his fingers trembling against my face? And why are there tears beginning to form in those gorgeous globes that should never look so abused?
Then without warning Zexion fell to his knees, buried his face in my stomach, and let it all out. He cried like no one, not even I, had ever seen or heard. He was crying like I had been crying this morning. He wasn't holding anything back anymore. The events of the past day had completely destroyed the mask he wore and this was Zexion, the real Zexion, the man that only I had ever witnessed on occasion. And he is beautiful.
One hand immediately wrapped around his back while the other ran through his hair pulling him close. He'd comforted me all this time, now it was my turn. And I was happy to help him. Happy, me, ha. It felt amazing to hold him in my arms, but at the same time, I was scared. What was wrong? I already ruled out myself, kind of. Something had to be making him feel like this. Something more than injuries from a car accident that he never would have been in had it not been for me. "Zexion?"
Zexion made a slight strangled sound before clinging tighter to me, causing my legs to buckle and me to fall down next to him. Despite the disturbance Zexion quickly rearranged himself so his arms were now wrapped around my neck and his face was in my shoulder where I could feel his warm tears falling. Almost as fast as him, I arranged myself so I was holding him as close as humanly possible, or maybe just a little more. What if I was the reason for this? What if all of this pain was my doing? A single tear left my eye as I rested my head against his blue head. "Is this my fault Zexion?"
"No, no, no, no Dems. Zexion grabbed my face again, forcing me to look into his watery eyes, "Don't blame yourself." I could still hear the tears in his voice despite them not falling down his face.
"Then what has you falling apart like this? You're so good at wearing a mask, what could possibly take it away?" I asked as I used a tentative finger to wipe the hair out of the left side of his face, which of course resisted my attempt because the blue strands were sticking to his wet face. But I didn't let it beat me. Just like I was determined to make Zexion feel better. I found it incredibly interesting that I'd forgotten all of my own troubles, just because something was wrong with Zexion.
"It's not a what, he's a who."
"Oh." I felt part of myself die when I finally realized who he was talking about. "The guy you want to know how much you love him. The guy you were talking about with Axel, in the hallway?" I asked. Of course that was it. Only someone you love can hurt you this bad. And part of me wished, part of me had always hoped, that the person he had been talking about in the hallway was me. But wishing and hoping get you nowhere, because wishing and hoping doesn't make it real. It's just something you do to try to make yourself happier. But in the end, it'll only hurt you so much more. I wasn't the one Zexion loved, and I knew that, but I still hoped. And now it hurts so much more than if I had just accepted that from the beginning. It hurt more than realizing what I had done to Axel, and that I was ruining his second chance, it hurt more than knowing I'm not what my parents want, it hurts more than realizing nobody will ever love me, because Zexion isn't just anyone. He is Zexion. And he loves someone else. Just like Axel loves Roxas, and my parents love Naminé. And I can't blame him for that. It's my fault I'm feeling like this. It's my fault I somehow, had built up this tiny bit of hope that the one person that had always been there for me, that my best friend, loved me more than a friend and a brother.
Suddenly discouraged, I turned my face away from his, despite his hands still on either side. It shouldn't matter to me that he's thinking about another man, and I knew that. That tiny bit of hope I developed was just that. It was a hope, and nothing more. Zexion and I, we are friends, and that is all, so none of this should bother me as much as it is. But the wind rushing over my cheeks, chilling the freshly fallen tears, told me just how much it was affecting me. I hate myself.
"Demyx." I heard Zexion speak next to me. The strength was back in his voice. He was in Zexion mode again. I'd done my job. I was his shoulder. I did what he needed me to do. Now that I was done, I let my hands fall, he wouldn't need me anymore. Then I stood up and began to walk towards the ever calling cliff's edge.
"Zexion, just tell him you love him. It will all work out." I spoke with Zexion at my back, still sitting on the ground.
"How?" Zexion asked and I heard a slight scraping against the rock, like Zexion may be getting up. He'd attempt to stop me again, I knew he would. Not because he loved me. No, he'd do it because he's my friend, and he feels responsible for me. But I'm going to give him one less responsibility. He won't need to worry about me after I'm gone.
"I don't know, it's a mystery to me." I spoke quietly. Then I took off, full speed to the edge of the cliff. I had longer legs than Zexion, and a full ten foot head start. But this was right. Zexion will have his love to comfort him, Aexl has Roxas to tell him it wasn't his fault, and no one else will know or care. Like I already said, this is my time. I'm at the edge, and the sea is calling.
oOo
"Zexion, just tell him you love him. It will all work out." Demyx said quietly as I watched from my place on the ground, entirely hating where he was standing, and where his eyes were looking. The blond, whom I couldn't' live without, was approximately ten feet away from me, and staring into the depths of the sea. I silently placed a foot in front of myself, preparing it to launch me at a moment's notice. It seems my breakdown time is over. I have to be my controlled, fix everything, Zexion self. I should know better than to allow myself to lose control like that.
"How?" I asked trying to keep him talking. I still had to tell him he was, no is, the man I am in love with. Then my back foot slipped scrapping against the ground, and my heart stopped. Please don't run yet, I begged. There was no doubt in my mind that he was jumping. But I hadn't come all this way to lose him because once again, I fucked up with my words.
"I don't know, it's a mystery to me." How could someone's voice hold so much sadness? As the thought ran through my mind, Demyx sprinted forward and I launched myself towards him with my front leg, and ran. I ran faster than I ever dreamed possible, with adrenaline pumping through my veins once again. Before I knew it I was even with him at the ledge and I pushed him with all of my strength away from that calling sea. The force with which I hit him knocked him back, serving its purpose and getting him away from the danger. Unfortunately, it sent me off balance. As I felt myself begin to fall backwards, hearing the sea crashing at my back, getting louder and louder, I swung my arms around in an attempt to regain my equilibrium.
Finally, I caught myself, and as I stood up straight, my eyes met Demyx's. He looked so frightened and helpless watching me dangle at the edge but I was safe now, and I needed to show him that. I lifted my foot to walk towards my frightened blond when I felt the ground beneath me loosen, and crumble. There was no longer anything under my feet. It was just air and the crashing waves beneath. I threw my hands out to catch myself, but there was nothing to hold onto. And I knew, as any logical person would, I'm dead. And all I could think of as gravity took me, was my Demyx, my love.
AN:
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Yeah.
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So, to my AIM friends: SURPRISE!!! Demyx is alive. (Except Bryan you ruined your surprise by making me tell you.)
I planned on ending this chapter with Zexion saving Demyx and them going home happily ever after, but that's just too…happy. And I'm not happy. So I figured what the F why not cause some more damage. Doesn't matter that this is a complete twist I did not see coming, all that matters is that I see so many possibilities with this new direction.
So let's see how long it takes me to get you the next chapter of this horribly depressing tale. I'm not going to say soon, cuz I said that last time and it's been months. But the next chapter is already started.
Thanks for all reviews, favs and alerts. I appreciate them.
