Still sick. Congratulations.

Stuff about this chapter: Maes is alive, because he really wouldn't be any use to me dead. Havoc can walk. Ross hasn't been barbecued. You know the drill.

On another note, I like reviews. I like people who write reviews. If you haven't written one, you should. You obviously aren't that busy if you're reading this.

Back at the ranch, chaos reigned. Maes Hughes had been tying up the phone lines at HQ for the past two hours, causing much general annoyance and office rage. In a normal workplace, the worst that could happen would be some passive aggressive muttering at the water cooler. At central, however, the frustration culminated in the water cooler being set on fire, the fire alarms going off, and all the elevators jamming as a result. Sweet baby Jesus, thought Riza. I used up the last of my tylenol extra strength this morning.

"Good news, lieutenant!" shouted Havoc a little too brightly as he dodged a dart aimed at the portrait of the Fuhrer. "We've been given a mission!"

"Good news?" Riza scoffed as she confiscated the last of Roy's darts and smacked him upside the head with a file. "I highly doubt that. Our last mission was to check out a single unwarranted claim of cockroaches in that Xingese take-out place down the street. Don't think I've forgotten the incident with Fuery and the Pad Thai..."

"Um, no. I didn't imagine you would have."

"Moving on. Where are we headed this time? The deli? Your mom's?"

"Camping. We're going camping with the Elric brothers."

Riza didn't know she'd lost consciousness until she was poked rather rudely in the back of the head by Mustang's pen. Click.

"Was that my pen or your gun? HAHAHAHAHA- oh. It was your gun..."Roy's face fell as he regarded the end of Riza's pistol with growing panic.

"It was both." she snarled as she crunched the hated pen underfoot. "There will be no more clicking."

"Is it just me or have you been a little, I dunno, on edge lately?" said Havoc kindly as he patted her on the back and helped her back into her desk chair. "Maybe this will be good for you. You know, get out of the office for a bit. Relax. Like...a vacation. Going on holiday."

"It sounds like you're talking about death."

"There, there." said Roy helpfully.

I might be out of tylenol, but I know I've got some whiskey stashed somewhere, thought Riza miserably as she tried to recall where she'd put her sleeping bag and thermal socks.

"It's not exactly camping, per se. We're technically joining them on their mission to find the-" Havoc checked the the singed and crumpled memo- "Frostbite Alchemist. He's been living as a hermit somewhere in the north woods for the last ten years. He's basically useless as a weapon at this point, but the military wants to see if he's dead yet so they can stop sending the retirement benefits."

"Thrilling." sighed Riza. She hadn't meant to end up in this sort of job at all- the military had sounded exciting, and it would give her license to beat people up. After graduating top of her class from the academy and receiving the highest recommendations from all her superiors, being put in charge of a renegade colonel and his band of misfits was, to say the least, disappointing. But Riza Hawkeye was not a quitter. She WOULD prove everyone wrong about this pathetic squad of failures, dammit! She would prove herself! It was with this mentality that Riza found the will to dig her old single person tent out of the closet, pack up her back pack with spam, sunscreen, and extra ammunition, and plop herself down in the driver's seat of the prehistoric military all terrain 10-seater jeep.

She knew it wasn't going to be a pleasant ride when Roy clambered into the passenger seat clutching his "Best of Queen" CD and announced that he'd lost his headphones last week at the Central HQ family picnic.

"'Bohemian Rhapsody' is my favorite. I hope you don't mind it on repeat." Roy said as Hughes climbed over him into backseat, whacking Riza in the face with the large camera hanging around his neck.

"Not at all." she replied through gritted teeth.

Breda crawled in next, dragging a large cooler, and was quickly followed by Havoc, Ross, Fuery (who still smelled suspiciously like asian noodles), and Armstrong. Sheska made a valiant attempt to sneak in through a back window, but was spotted by Roy who oredered her back to the library for 'more research'. "After all," muttered Roy as he adjusted his box of fishing lures on the dashboard, "This is a serious mission. We can't have librarians hanging around just for the heck of it. We have real work to do."

Four hours down the road, Riza was beginning to regret her previous go-get'em attitude. It was pretty that at this point, no one was going to to go anywhere or get anything.

'Is this the real life? Or is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality...'

"Tell me about it..." grumbled Riza under her breath as Bohemian Rhapsody started over again. "Havoc! What did I just say about smoking in the car? SECOND HAND SMOKE, SOLDIER! IT KILLS!"

"Whatever..." Havoc rolled his eyes and stubbed out his cigarette on Fuery's travel scrabble deluxe. As the sounds of bickering rose to fever pitch behind her, Riza contemplated death.

"Are we there yet?" Roy fiddled with the air conditioner.

"No."

"How much farther?"

"I don't know."

"Are we going to get there soon?"

"...Yes."

"How soon?"

"We're here."

Riza looked out the window at the forlorn pier sticking forlornly into the lake like one of Ed's wayward bags. A great expanse of blue lay beyond it, interrupted only by intermittent rocky islands, none of which looked terribly hospitable. This might take a while.

"Alright, everybody. Out of the car. Two to a canoe. Start paddling."