When Santana got home that afternoon, she was smiling like an idiot. She strolled into the kitchen and was about to grab herself some juice from the fridge when her mom came in and bombarded her with questions about how everything had gone at the interview… and then, proceeded to ask her how her aunt was. Santana just stared back at the older Latina vacantly. She had been so caught up in her nerves about the interview and then seeing Kurt again after so long that she had completely forgotten her manners. It earned her a light slap on the back of the head and a good old fashioned scolding in Spanish.
But she didn't mind the verbal berating too much. She could just apologize to her aunt the next time she saw her. In the mean time, she was more preoccupied with over-analyzing her latest conversation with Brittany.
Even a few days later, she still couldn't get over how nervous and timid she'd acted. She had always thought of herself as pretty good at flirting… but during her conversation with the blonde, she was like a shadow of her usual self. Why did she find it so difficult to get in the zone with that girl? She'd done the dance plenty of times before. If she saw a girl she liked, she'd walk straight up to them and introduce herself. It's not like she was a player, but she'd certainly never had any trouble getting someone she wanted.
Maybe she was out of practice? It had been quite a while since she tried to 'turn it on with the ladies.' Or maybe every time she tried to 'pick up' a girl in the past she was at a club or a party where everyone was at least slightly drunk?
Then again, the thought of 'putting the moves' on Brittany made Santana sort of uncomfortable. She felt like the girl deserved more than that. She had to approach this situation with more… respect and patience. But what did that mean exactly? What should her next step be?
The blonde seemed to incite something inside of Santana that she had no idea how to decipher… and if there was one thing the Latina really didn't like, it was not knowing or understanding exactly why she felt the way she did. Ever since she'd come out in high school, she promised herself that she would always fully explore and acknowledge all her of feelings, no matter how difficult or inconvenient they may be. Keeping things buried was just a bad idea. She was enough of a bitch naturally without that added pressure.
So Santana had been spending some serious time trying to figure things out ever since she last spoke with Brittany a couple of days ago. She lay on her bed and stared up at her ceiling, embracing the silence in order to better hear her own thoughts. That was until she heard the doorbell ring.
Lifting herself from the mattress, Santana strode out of her bedroom and down the stairs to the front door. She didn't need to check the peephole to know who it was. The day after her interview, she called Kurt and asked him to hang out so they could catch up on old times. Both were excited by the prospect of reconnecting so they planned to go out for coffee one night after he finished work.
'Your chauffeur has arrived.' Kurt bowed slightly as Santana opened the door.
'Are you kidding? I'm not letting you drive. I remember what you did to that car in driver's ed.' Santana scoffed as she hugged her friend and he stepped inside.
Kurt held up his hand defensively. 'I maintain… it was not my fault. They shouldn't have put that traffic cone right in the middle of the course.'
'That was kinda the point.'
Kurt shot Santana a faux glare before smiling broadly and fixing his hairline with a delicate finger. 'So I see you're back in the childhood abode?'
Santana rolled her eyes. 'Don't remind me.'
'It's not so bad.' Kurt shrugged slightly as he looked around the house. 'We had some pretty good times here during senior year.'
'Oh yeah?' Santana challenged with a raised eyebrow. 'Which time are you thinking of? The one where you tried to teach me how to cook blueberry crepes and I got grounded for a month because I set the curtains on fire? Or the time the football team attacked us with water balloons filled with eggs and flour and we had to skip the rest of the day just to come back here and wash the clumps out of our hair?'
Kurt sighed and sent her an apologetic grin. 'It wasn't all bad, San. What about our movie nights?'
Santana smirked despite herself and thought for a long moment. They did have a lot of fun doing nothing sometimes… just talking and hanging out. 'Okay… Maybe this place isn't so bad.'
Kurt nodded but then quickly lifted his palm up as if to stop the thought. 'Wait. Please tell me you repainted your room when you moved back in? Black and dungeon-y may have worked back when you were a bitchy teenager… but that is just far too depressing for you to be rocking now.'
Santana cocked her hip to the side and folded her arms. 'There's nothing wrong with my room. It suits me just fine.'
Kurt sighed over-dramatically. 'You know, you're not nearly as badass as you think you are.'
Santana gaped at the boy and slapped him lightly on the shoulder. 'If you weren't my friend, I would totally kick your ass right now.'
'Oh please. We both know Snix loves me.' Kurt smirked.
Santana laughed at the old nickname for her aggressive alter-ego. 'Doesn't mean she isn't always ready for a fight.'
'I can imagine. Did many unsuspecting college goers feel her wrath while you were the head bitch on campus?'
'A few.' Santana winked. It was true. If anyone dared to insult or hurt her (or anyone she cared about), she wasn't afraid to give them a good piece of her mind. And, if it came to it, exchange blows. She even broke a guy's nose once when he called her a dyke at a party.
As she got a bit older though, Santana realized that sometimes it was best to keep her fiery temper in check. She couldn't just go all fingernails and razorblades on someone every time they got on her nerves. She didn't want to end up in jail.
But that wasn't to say she didn't still let Snix out of her cage every now and then when the moment called for it…
Santana smiled and gestured towards the door. 'Come on. Let's go get our caffeine on.'
Kurt grinned as the Latina pushed him back out the door.
She had really missed this. She always felt like Kurt was one of the few people that could… keep up with her. And now that she had her friend back, she wondered why she had ever let him slip out of her life in the first place.
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When they arrived at the coffee shop, Santana and Kurt placed their orders and took a seat at a small table in the back.
'Déjà vu.' Kurt sighed as he dropped his expensive leather messenger bag down on the floor beside him and removed his equally expensive designer scarf. 'Remember after school lattes?'
'Yeah…' Santana glanced around the shop that had once been one of their favorite hang outs. It was dimly lit, with only a few antique, faux crystal chandeliers hanging from the ceiling. The dark green walls matched the heavy upholstery of the couches that were scattered around. They were so soft that if you sat down, your ass would sink in so far that you needed help just to stand up again. Dark wooden floorboards dulled the footsteps of the few other customers that shared the space. It was a cozy, eccentric little place. Not many people knew about it. And that was one of the reasons they had always felt safe and comfortable there.
After a long pause of reminiscence, Kurt spoke up again. 'So… I take it you want to move out then?'
Santana let out a slow breath. 'I guess so. I mean, I never really planned to come back here. In high school, all I ever wanted was to get the hell out of this place. But I don't know… now with the job interview and… everything…' She shrugged. 'Maybe I'll stay for a while…'
Kurt nodded slowly in recognition as he waited for her to continue.
'But obviously I can't go apartment shopping just yet.' Santana smiled sheepishly. 'No money.'
Just then, they heard the barista at the front of the shop call their names, signaling their order was ready. Santana insisted she go get both coffees.
'How chivalrous.' Kurt teased, putting a hand over his chest as she placed his cup him front of him.
'Well someone has to be the gentleman around here.' Santana quipped.
'You say that in 5 inch heels and a top so low cut I can practically see your ribcage.'
'Still more manly than you.' The dark haired girl laughed.
'No. I think in this case, we both lose. Neither of us could be truly masculine if we tried.' Kurt grinned widely, taking a long sip from his steaming hot coffee.
'True.' Santana had to agree. Despite her tendency to take command and get into fist fights, she loved being a girly-girl. 'Speaking of boys…' The Latina looked pointedly at her friend over the brim of her coffee cup.
Kurt just shrugged in response and looked away. 'What about them?'
Santana raised a knowing eyebrow at him. 'Come on Kurt. I know you're just dying to tell me about all the little rendezvous you've had lately.'
Kurt let out a heavy sigh. 'Not really.' He said simply. Seeing the brunette's puzzled look though, he realized he should probably elaborate. 'Do you remember that guy I told you about?... Sam?'
'Yeah…' Santana said slowly, vaguely recalling the name being mentioned a few times in their conversations before. She had always just assumed he was a friend.
'Well for almost a year… up until about 3 months ago... we were kinda… together. I never really talked about it because… he wasn't out and… he… he didn't want anyone to know about us.' Kurt fidgeted with the lid on his coffee.
'Oh…' Santana nodded slowly.
'Yeah... I didn't understand what it all meant because… when we were alone, he would be all over me… And then… as soon as there was anyone else around… he… he would barely talk to me. He acted like he didn't even know me sometimes.'
There was a long pause as Santana waited for Kurt to collect his thoughts.
'It was this weird back and forth… And it felt like we were in limbo forever… until eventually… someone caught us kissing in the bathroom at a party. He was so freaked out… He kept saying that he wasn't gay and that it was all just some big mistake…' Kurt scoffed. 'Like you can sleep with someone for a whole year and tell them that you love them… and… it's just a huge accident? I don't think so.'
Santana frowned. 'I'm so sorry, Kurt.'
Kurt took a big breath in and puffed out his chest a bit. 'No. It's okay… I think in my heart, I knew that he was using me. I let him treat me like that for much longer than I should have. So in a way… it was my fault… because I let it happen.'
'Don't say that.' Santana reached across the table and took her friend's hand.
Kurt shook his head but squeezed the hand in his anyway. 'I knew I should have broken up with him the first time he acted like a total asshole in public… the first time he acted like he was ashamed of me.' Kurt closed his eyes, his jaw clenched. 'But I didn't... I… I loved him too. And I just kept hoping that he would… I don't know… get over it?'
Santana waited a long moment before speaking again. 'Why didn't you tell me?' She asked gently. Even though things had been a bit distant between them these past few years, she felt guilty for not knowing what her friend was going through. Why didn't he come to her for help? Maybe he wanted her to notice his pain without him saying anything but she'd been too caught up in her own shit to realize it?
'I… I was embarrassed.' Kurt admitted slowly. Even though he wasn't crying, Santana could tell that it still hurt him a lot to talk about what had happened. His eyes were sad and full of regret.
'You didn't have to be. You know I'd never judge you.' She smiled reassuringly. 'Not that you were in the wrong anyways… He was the one being an idiot.'
'I know… I just… I couldn't help it…' Kurt shrugged. 'It was a really weird stage of my life… My first proper boyfriend… And I got so caught up in it all…' He sighed. 'But I know I could have told you what was going on.'
Another moment of silence fell over them. Santana suddenly wished she'd been more present in her brief conversations with Kurt... made more of an effort. Sometimes she had to remind herself that other people's issues were just as important as her own. She hated that she could be so self-involved without even realizing it. 'So… How did it end?' She asked finally, using the softest tone she could muster.
'After the incident at the party… Sam said he didn't want everyone to think he was some dirty faggot… So I slapped him… And then we fought… and… then he left.' Kurt frowned. 'Last I heard, he moved to Kentucky.'
Santana bit her bottom lip and squeezed Kurt's hand again for support. 'That really, really sucks.'
'Yeah…' Kurt stared at a spot on the table between them for a long second before shaking his head and plastering a smile across his face. 'But you know what, it's alright now… It's been a few months and… I think I've moved on okay… I'm over it.'
Santana smiled at her friend. 'He doesn't deserve you.'
'Not even slightly.' Kurt nodded. 'If he wants to stay hidden in the closet like a little bitch for the rest of his life, so be it… He'll just be missing out on all this fine boot-ay.' He wiggled provocatively in his chair and made what he thought looked like a 'sexy face.'
Santana laughed. She knew that Kurt was putting on a brave face. But she didn't want to push it. He would talk about it more if he wanted to. And when that time came, she vowed to be more aware of his feelings than she had been in the past.
However, before she let the topic go entirely, she internally promised herself that if she ever met this 'Sam' kid… she would totally kick his ass.
'So what about you missy?' Kurt asked, taking a swig of his coffee. 'How has love ruined your life lately?'
Santana rolled her eyes. 'Let's not even go there.'
'Ugh! No way!' Kurt smirked. 'I just spilled about my melodrama. The least you can do is return the favor.'
Santana hesitated. She hated this topic. Her past with girls was… complicated. She had no idea where to even start. 'Well… there were a couple of girls at college.'
'Yeah?' Kurt prompted eagerly.
'Nothing that really lasted passed a few months… Except…' Santana stopped herself. No, she definitely didn't want to go down this path.
'Except…?' Kurt pushed. 'Don't leave me hanging San… Spill!'
The Latina groaned a little and brushed the hair away from her face. 'It's nothing exciting. There was this girl in second year… I really liked her… I thought she really liked me… Then, she broke my heart. End of story.'
Kurt arched an eyebrow at her cynically. Santana had always been short with him about her relationships post-high school… but now they were talking in person again, he expected more. She wasn't going to get away with it that easy. 'That's all you're gonna give me? I go into crushing detail about my heartache and that's all I get in return?'
Santana breathed out loudly. She knew there wasn't much point in fighting. Kurt would just keep pushing until she cracked. Just like high school. It had actually been one of the reasons that they got so close in the first place.
At first, Santana was stubborn and infuriated by his constant interrogation. But during the times when she would finally give in and talk just to end the frustration, she realized that spilling her emotions to Kurt always made her feel better. She may have required some prodding but… in all honesty, Santana needed someone to open up to. And Kurt knew that. 'So… you know how I don't really trust people right?'
Kurt nodded.
'And I don't let anyone get that close to me because… I…'
'Because you're afraid of getting hurt.' Kurt offered matter-of-factly.
'No! It's… It's not that… it's just…' Santana sighed in defeat. 'Okay yes. I'm afraid of getting hurt.'
'Mhmmm.' Kurt grinned smugly, knowing he was right.
'So… I meet this girl in my English class… And she seems really awesome. She's smart and funny… and cute… and just a little bit strange… but in a good way.' Santana smiled at the memory. 'We get along great… And unlike the few girls I dated during high school, she has no problem with her sexuality… She's cool with all that… And even better, I don't act like a selfish, immature bitch and ruin stuff like I usually do… And everything seems perfect.'
Kurt allowed the long silence, knowing there was more to be said.
'Then… I don't even fucking know… Nothing even happened… After about six months she just… leaves.' Santana twisted her lips in thought. 'I get this fucking ridiculous text message saying some shit about her not being in the right state of mind to be in relationship.' Santana spat mockingly. 'Ugh… I had no fucking idea what she was talking about… so I called her on it… And eventually, after a really long fight… she gave in and admitted that… that… she just stopped liking me. Apparently, I wasn't interesting or exciting to her anymore… And she didn't feel any desire to be around me...'
Kurt's mouth was wide with disbelief. 'She actually said that?'
'Yep.' Santana folded her arms across her chest defensively.
'But… but why? Did she have someone else on the side?'
'Not that I could tell…' Santana shrugged. 'She didn't start dating anyone else after we broke up. She just… left.'
'That's… really weird.' Kurt titled his head to the side, trying to figure it out. 'How can your feelings towards someone change just like that?'
'I know right?' Santana said emphatically. 'I couldn't understand… I mean, I didn't think it was possible to just… stop liking someone… for no good reason… We didn't have a fight or anything… Nothing happened… One day we're good and the next… it's over.' The brunette shook her head in disbelief. 'But hey… apparently for some people… it's that easy.'
'She clearly had some serious problems.' Kurt mused.
'That's what I thought at first… but you know, it really got me thinking… if it's possible for people's feelings to change so suddenly like that… How can I ever trust any relationship I get into? How can anyone? If you know that one day the other person might wake up and decide they just don't wanna be with you anymore… How can you ever feel safe?'
Kurt sighed quietly. 'You can't think that way San.' He said softly, offering her a gentle smile.
'I know… But it's really hard… At least when I broke up with girls before that, I always knew why we broke up.' Santana scrunched her eyebrows together in thought. 'Like… if we were fighting too much or… one person started to have feelings for someone else or… I don't know…' She shrugged. 'All that stuff… it seemed more real… Like there was a legitimate reason for those relationships to end.'
There was a long moment of silence as Santana's dark eyes focused on something in the distance. She bit her bottom lip, not really wanting to continue but knowing that she had to. 'After that… I completely switched off… I figured… if perfectly good relationships can get ruined by nothing at all… Why even bother? So… I just started to mess around with any girl that would have me… I got drunk and went to parties and… tried to forget that… that… I was so scared of being hurt again…'
'San…' Kurt leaned over the table and put his hand onto his friend's arm, running his thumb back and forth gently across the skin.
'I'm not proud of it… I tried to lose myself… But after a while, I just ended up hating my own guts… They meant nothing to me… And I meant nothing to them… One time, I slept with a girl and I didn't even know her name…' Santana shook her head and let out a wry laugh. 'It took a little while… but I eventually realized that I would rather be by myself than hooking up with some random who was just good for a temporary distraction… It made me feel cheap and… gross.'
Kurt nodded in understanding.
'So, about a year ago… I stopped… All of it. I knew that I was happier just being alone than sleeping with drunk girls at parties… or dating girls for a few weeks when I knew they weren't right for me from the moment I met them… I was just using them to… I don't know… pass the time or something… But none of it made me feel like I was worth anything…' Santana finished off her coffee with a long gulp.
'But you are San. You're amazing.' Kurt smiled sadly at her.
The Latina laughed a little in return. 'It's not like I have low self-esteem. That's why I stopped dating actually. Because I knew that I deserved something better… And I was willing to wait until that came along.' Santana nodded to herself. 'I was done fucking around. I wanted something real… Something that felt special.'
'But you have to give people a chance. How can you know if someone is right for you without taking the time to get to know them first?' Kurt wondered aloud.
'I don't know… Maybe you can't…' Santana shrugged. 'Maybe I'm being unrealistic… But… When something's really right… shouldn't it just hit you? Like… yeah, this is what I've been waiting for… this is different…' She paused for a moment, the familiarity of the feeling she was describing making her slightly nervous. Blinking a few times, she tried to shrug it off. 'Anyways… It was good to take a break… To just… Get to know myself again without any distractions or complications…'
'Hmm… that's smart.' Kurt replied thoughtfully.
There was a long, comfortable silence between them as they both considered what the other had just shared. Santana couldn't help but remember what it felt like when she walked into that grocery store and set eyes on a certain blonde for the first time. A tiny smile tugged at the corners of her mouth as she thought of Brittany. She still didn't know exactly what role the blonde would play in her future… but she knew that there was something special there. She never would have felt this way otherwise.
'What's that look for?' Kurt asked, drawing Santana from her thoughts with a huge smirk on his face.
'What? Nothing. What look?' Santana answered a little too quickly.
'You were grinning like a fool.' Kurt lifted his elbow onto the table and rested his chin on his hand cockily. He knew something was up.
'No I wasn't.' Santana blushed. 'I…'
'What aren't you telling me?' Kurt leaned forward slightly, his eyes boring into her.
'Nothing!' Santana squeaked. Oh yeah. Great acting Lopez.
Kurt titled his head to the side, taking in her flushed cheeks and avoiding gaze. 'You met someone.'
'No I didn't!' Santana barked defensively. 'I just finished telling you how I don't want to date anyone right now. How can you even ask that?'
'Uh huh.' Kurt folded his arms on the table and shot her a knowing stare. 'But I'm thinking maybe you met some girl, with pretty long eyelashes who made you think twice about that policy…'
'Why would you even think that?' Santana felt herself blush even harder. She really was horrible at hiding things from him.
'Come on San. I know you… You got that same look in the morning whenever you came to school after… and I quote… a really good sex dream.'
'But-'
'Who is she?' Kurt smirked.
Santana sighed heavily in resignation. She was caught and Kurt knew it. Well fuck…
'She's… She's just this blonde girl that works at the grocery store near my house… Her name's Brittany.'
Kurt squealed with delight. 'I knew it!'
'You have to understand… This was different… I… I didn't go looking or anything… It just… happened.' Santana began frantically. She didn't want to look like a total hypocrite after just preaching about how she was waiting for something special to come along before dating again.
Kurt nodded, the smirk never leaving his eyes. 'So... you like her?'
Santana rolled her eyes. Oh boy….
The Latina tried to remain polite as Kurt grilled her about the blonde, asking question after question on every detail he could think of. Santana laughed in amusement and shook her head as he came up with several strange ploys for how to get things moving along faster between the two. And when he finally took a breath, she quickly jumped in and changed the subject to get Kurt started about his acting. After they got onto that topic, he seemed to forget about the whole Brittany situation and they were good to go for the rest of the night.
Before either of them knew it, the coffee shop was closing up. It was late and they decided it was probably time to call it a night. Santana drove them the short distance to her house where Kurt's car was parked and hugged him tightly as they parted at her door. She felt so much lighter after having a good talk with her old friend. Just like in high school, she felt that Kurt was one of the few people she could really be herself with. She knew he would always understand. It almost felt like they'd never been apart.
'So you'll come to the party next Saturday then?' Kurt beamed as he held their hands together between them.
'Yeah yeah I'll come.' Santana smiled. 'But hopefully… I'll see you before that… If I get the job.' She laughed.
'Yes! Of course! You're totally gonna get it!' Kurt giggled. 'Bye sweetie!' He gave her another squeeze before hopping into his car and driving away.
And as Santana climbed the stairs to her bedroom, she knew that things were definitely looking up.
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A/N: So, as I'm sure you noticed, this chapter was a bit different. A lot more backstory and there were some things in there that are pretty important to the plot. Sorry that it's a bit late though. Whenever I write dialogue, it goes through multiple re-writes and this chapter is like ALL dialogue. So yeah…
Anyways I hope you liked it even though there wasn't any Brittana interaction. Don't worry though! That'll be back in full swing in the next installment.
As always, let me know what you thought! Do you like the Kurtana friendship? Do you ship Kum (Kurt/Sam)? Review!
