Santana fought hard against her body. Each breath felt like a war. She was sure that if she could see her heart, it would be sporting a large, gaping hole right now… because the ache was strong enough to make her clutch at her chest and curl her body up into a ball on the bed. The tears trickled slowly from the sides of her eyes as she squeezed them shut, her face contorted against the sobs threatening to rip through her at any moment. She sucked in as much air as she could and held it.

Nearly a minute passed before she finally released the breath and with it came pitiful whimpers and broken noises of panic and fear… and utter loss. Because that's what she was - Lost to her emotions. She was at the mercy of her heart, a slave to it… and Brittany was its master.

She scoffed through her pathetic cries. She was love's bitch and she couldn't hate herself more for it.

Wait… Love? No… Please no. Hot, salty tears spilled down her cheeks and clogged up her nose as she tried to coil up further on the mattress. I can't… No. I DON'T love her. The thought made her want to just disappear inside of herself and never come out. And, at that moment, as if the world could feel her frustration and sorrow, it began to rain.

Heavy droplets beat down against her roof and windows, followed closely by the boom of thunder and the crack of lightning. How fitting.

Santana forced back a new wave of tears as her mind flashed to Brittany, driving home in the storm. Even at this moment, she couldn't help but worry for the blonde and hope that she got home safely. Even while the mixture of heartache and annoyance consumed her, she could still feel the tingle on her lips from their kiss and remember the look in Brittany's piercing blue eyes as she whispered her name so softly.

This wasn't supposed to happen. It wasn't supposed to go like this. She still didn't know who had kissed who. And for a moment she wondered if that may have been due to the alcohol messing with her memory. But she wasn't that drunk. She was only slightly tipsy. They both were. So it was no excuse either way. They had both participated. There was no denying that.

Amazingly, Santana had managed to mostly avoid or repress thoughts of Brittany with her boyfriend up until this point. But now that she knew what it felt like to kiss her, to be so close to her… the jealousy was almost unbearable. Now, she couldn't stop imagining them together. She couldn't stop picturing his hands and lips all over her, doing everything she had done and more. The thought made her feel sick… so sick that she wanted to dry heave.

What was even more frustrating than all of the jealousy and heartbreak and self-hatred was the slight ache between her legs. They'd only kissed... But even from that short make out session, Santana felt more physically and emotionally than she ever thought possible. It had never been that intense with anyone before. It had never got to her that much.

It was the best and most powerful experience of her life. Every cell in her body hummed in response... she could still feel the ghost of Brittany's body pressed against her own. And it was too much. She couldn't get the air into her lungs anymore. She was choking, gasping for release from this unbearable pain in her stomach and chest.

Pushing herself to her feet, she slowly and robotically walked out of her room, down the stairs and out the front door. When the rain finally hit her face, she felt at home. It was here, as she lowered herself to lie on the damp grass in her front yard, that she allowed her muscles to unwind a little, the water droplets from the sky cleansing and soothing her tear-stained cheeks and soaking right through to her bones. She wished so much that the rain could seep into her heart and wash away the memory of Brittany… but at the same time, Santana felt that if the blonde disappeared from inside of her now, there would be nothing left at all.

So she just lay still and allowed the black sky and the cold water to devour her.

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An hour later, when her skin was frozen and her muscles were twitching and shivering against the cold, Santana finally relented and went back inside. She knew her mother would probably kill her for leaving soggy footprints and water stains on the carpet. But she didn't care. The rain had done enough to numb her for now. So it was worth the arguments.

She stripped off in the bathroom and climbed into a hot shower, sucking in air through her teeth as the warmth slowly spread through her. The tears had stopped for the moment. And she was grateful for that because her head was pulsing with a fresh headache, the kind she could never avoid when she really allowed herself to cry.

She knew that she might seem like a drama queen, getting so upset over some girl she just met a few weeks ago. But all of the composure she used to possess now seemed like a distant memory. Meeting Brittany had changed her on the deepest level. It was like she was truly feeling every emotion for the first time in her life… pain, fear, anger, love… She sighed and closed her eyes. Not love. Just… really really like.

Santana was aware that her overreaction wasn't simply due to Brittany. It was also partly her fault. She wasn't comfortable with all of these… feelings. She didn't know how to handle them. They were on a completely different level to anything she'd ever experienced before. Because even though she would rather die than have anyone find out, Santana was, in a way, a true romantic. And she was full of the potential to feel very deeply. That was real reason why she stopped messing around with girls and dating 'just for the fun of it'. And that was why she had always loved to write. It was her way of detaching from the thoughts and emotions she didn't feel equipped to deal with and would rather push down.

But Brittany was something unexpected though. Something she didn't even know existed until now. All of those previously manageable feelings became amplified and ever since she first laid eyes on the blonde, she had felt completely powerless to her own emotions. They were suddenly all consuming. And when their lips had finally touched, the door that she had barely been holding shut was thrown wide open and all of those big, scary feelings rushed inside, forcing Santana to spiral out of control.

But she refused to lose herself to this. She couldn't let go of that fingertip hold she still had on her sanity.

So she couldn't make Brittany hers. It wasn't the end of the world. It was just fucking sucky. Really sucky.

Feeling utterly exhausted, Santana didn't even bother getting dressed. She just dried off and hopped into bed, trying her best not to cry again when she found the scent of Brittany's hair lingering on her pillow.

Get a fucking grip Santana. You're acting like a baby. Yes, you're an idiot for letting yourself fall this hard. Yes, it is fucking awful and unfair that Brittany kissed you back and might have feelings for you too even though she has a boyfriend. But you still can't force her to tell you the truth. You can't make her leave him for you. And you certainly can't just sit around and sulk like a little bitch about it. You have to stay strong.

With a million thoughts still racing through her mind, Santana somehow managed to let her eyes fall shut and allowed sleep to take her.

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'Hey.' Santana mumbled, looking very disheveled as she opened the front door for Kurt who came rushing in. Surprisingly, the evidence of her little rain adventure last night must have evaporated before her parents got home that morning because she hadn't been awoken by the screaming of furious Spanish expletives. Instead, Santana had slept through until almost 10am, when the sound of her mother and father leaving the house again woke her up. After that, it only took about half an hour for her to lose patience with herself and message Kurt.

'What's wrong? What happened?' He asked frantically, eyes darting around the room.

Santana just shrugged, sighing heavily and flopping down on the sofa in the living room.

He stared at her strangely. 'San… what's going on? In your text you said that you needed to see me ASAP!'

'Yeah… sorry bout that. I just wanted to talk to someone…'

'Why? What happened with Brittany last night?'

'Stuff.' She murmured, looking away. She didn't know why she was avoiding the topic. She had been the one to call Kurt over to talk about it. But now that he was here, she was afraid of breaking down again.

'What kind of… stuff?' He asked slowly as he sat down next to her and placed a gentle hand on her knee. 'Please tell me you didn't sleep with her…'

Santana shot him a disbelieving glare. 'No Kurt. Of course not.'

'Well then… what?'

'We just… kissed.' Santana sighed.

'You kissed?' Kurt echoed. 'Did you kiss her or did she kiss you?'

'I… I don't know. Both? It all happened so fast.' Santana began toying with a loose strand on the material of her pajama pants.

Kurt breathed in slowly, taking a moment to think. 'So… she kissed you back?'

'Yeah.'

'Are you sure?' He pressed.

'Yes! She was definitely involved in the kissing!' Santana rolled her eyes and groaned, exasperated.

'I'm just checking.' Kurt held his hands up defensively. 'So… does that mean she feels the same way then?'

Santana bit her lip and looked down at the floor. 'After we… ' She paused, not really wanting to repeat it again. 'I told her that I liked her. And then I asked her if she liked me too and… she wouldn't say... She just said she had to think and then… she left.'

Kurt frowned and wrapped the Latina up in a tight hug. To his surprise, Santana returned the squeeze and whimpered. 'Shhh… I know sweetie.' He whispered, feeling her body tremble slightly and her breathing thicken.

For a split second, Santana almost wanted to tell Kurt that she more than liked Brittany. That she was actually starting to think she might be falling in love with the girl. She wondered if it might help her to feel less alone, even just for a little while… but… no. She shook her head slightly against his shoulder. It would be ridiculous and pointless and beyond embarrassing. And saying it out loud would definitely make it real. Even though he was her best friend, she could never show that much weakness and vulnerability to him… And she especially couldn't admit to being in love with a girl who was not hers to love... a girl who belonged to someone else. Eventually, she pulled away and forced a tiny smile to her face. 'I'm fine. Really. It's okay.'

'No it's not… I mean, I know I should be mad at you because you promised that you wouldn't do anything with this girl.' He held up his finger as Santana opened her mouth to interrupt. 'But I understand that it wasn't your fault. Brittany clearly played a part here too.'

Santana's shoulders slumped in defeat. 'I could just tell… you know? I could feel it. There's something there.'

Kurt nodded and rubbed her shoulder softly.

'But she doesn't wanna be with me. She has a boyfriend. She's not just gonna up and leave him because of me.' Santana closed her eyes and pushed away the impulse to cry yet again.

'Listen Sannie…' Kurt ignored the Latina's scowl at his cutesy nickname and continued. 'She knows how you feel now. And from what you've told me, she might just feel the same… But you can't push it. You can't do anything now. The ball's in her court and if it's meant to be… it will work out.'

Santana sighed. 'I don't wanna sit around like some chump and fucking wait for her though. That's ridiculous.'

'Is it really?' Kurt raised an eyebrow at her. 'I know how much you like this girl. And even though I'm sure you won't admit it to me, I think you really, deeply care about her… Isn't she worth the wait if there's the possibility that things might work out in the end?'

Santana raised her eyebrows. Okay, so maybe I didn't even need to tell him. I guess he already kinda knows how I feel about her. Insightful little bastard. 'But what if she decides she doesn't want me Kurt. What if she just wants to stay with her stupid boyfriend?' Santana pleaded, her voice cracking slightly.

'Well… then you'll know you gave it a shot.' Kurt shrugged sympathetically. 'And trust me, if Brittany doesn't come to her senses and realize what an amazing girl you are… She's the one who's missing out.' He smiled gently.

Despite herself, Santana smiled back. She wanted to believe Kurt's words. She wanted to give Brittany the time and space she needed. 'Thanks Lady Lips.' She croaked and hugged him again.

She wanted to be strong. She wanted to do her best to make sure there was every chance that things might work out.

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Santana didn't hear anything from Brittany all weekend. Not that she really expected to. But that didn't stop her from hoping to get something… a text, a phone call… just any kind of indication towards what was going on with her right now.

It was torturous, not knowing what the girl was thinking or feeling… or doing. Had she told Mike what happened between them? Was he mad? Did he break up with her?

Santana felt a mixture of guilt and selfish relief at the thought. More than anything, she wanted Brittany to be happy. But at the same time, if the blonde was now single… well, that meant that things would be less complicated. Maybe Brittany might even consider giving her a chance?

But she refused to think that way. The image of Brittany heartbroken and crying was enough to push away any wishful thoughts of her and Mike breaking up.

The whole weekend and Monday at work had been a big mess. Santana was jittery and constantly in her own head. Her thoughts and feelings changed so often that she was beginning to wonder if she really had gone crazy. She skated along a large continuum of emotions… from utterly depressed and hopeless… to furious and spiteful… and then at times (when Kurt guided her), even slightly optimistic. Thankfully, she hadn't let it get in the way of her work too much though. Getting fired right now was the absolute last thing she needed.

She tried to remind herself that whatever happened if and when Brittany ever contacted her again, it would be okay. Life would go on. This was just another girl. Just another fucked up situation. She could deal.

After three days of silence though, she just wished that Brittany would put her out of her misery, whatever she had to say. The waiting was the worst part. And being constantly on edge was becoming unbearable.

Around 8 o'clock on Monday night, Santana was sitting in front of the TV in her living room, eating M&M's (her go-to comfort food) and lounging in some sweats and an old tee. Her mom had gone out for yet another work dinner with her dad and she was more than grateful to have the house to herself for a few hours.

She practically fell off the sofa though when she heard a loud knock on the front door. She rolled her eyes and groaned. Who the fuck is that? With another annoyed grumble, she swung her feet to the floor and shuffled over to the door, preparing to give whoever was knocking her best steely glare and cold hard bitch attitude. When she swung it open though, she could only look on in shock.

'H-hey.' Brittany mumbled, her hands toying with the edges of the pockets on her jeans nervously. 'Can I come in?'

Santana blinked hard a few times and hesitated before finally stepping back to allow the blonde inside. She had no idea why Brittany was there. She had never expected the girl to actually come to her house again after what happened between them… It was a pretty bold move.

'Listen… before you say anything… I just wanted to say… I'm sorry.' Brittany began, watching carefully as Santana closed the door and came to stand in front of her. 'I knew… what was… uh… I knew.'

Santana furrowed her eyebrows at this. She knew that I liked her? Guess I was being too obvious… 'Okay…' She replied slowly, not quite knowing how to respond.

'I… It was my fault because… I should have told you…' Brittany chewed her bottom lip and averted her eyes from the Latina's. 'This… us… it can't… nothing can happen.'

Santana felt her jaw clenching at this even though she had seen it coming. 'Oh…'

'Because… I'm… with Mike. And w-we can't… This can't go on…'

'So that's why you came here? To tell me that you don't have any feelings for me and what happened the other night was just a mistake?' Santana's tone was harsh and she folded her arms over her chest defensively. She knew she shouldn't be angry. She'd expected this. But she couldn't help but sense that Brittany was holding something back. Besides… she never did take rejection well.

'Yes.' Brittany whispered but it was so quiet that Santana almost didn't catch it. Her deep blue eyes still had not left her feet.

'Did you even tell him?' Santana suddenly snapped. 'Did you tell your boyfriend that you kissed me?'

Brittany just shook her head slowly. 'I couldn't… I-I… don't want him to… get hurt.'

Santana scoffed. 'You're already hurting him by staying with him when you're not sure how you feel! You can't keep leading him on!' Whoa. That was way out of line. It's none of your business Lopez. Shut the fuck up!

'You don't understand!' Brittany said loudly, almost yelling, her eyes finally reconnecting with dark brown. 'You don't know how guilty I feel! I don't think I could stand the look on his face…'

Santana rolled her eyes. 'We kissed Brittany. Whether you like it or not, you can't pretend it didn't happen. You might be able to just shove me out of your life and act like I never existed… But he deserves to know the truth.' Now she was really losing her grip. She had to stop talking. She was definitely putting her nose in where it didn't belong.

'It didn't mean anything!' Brittany was shouting now and she took a step closer to Santana to make sure she was heard.

'Oh yeah? It certainly didn't seem that way from my end blondie.' Santana retorted, returning Brittany's step forward with one of her own. She wasn't going to be intimidated by anyone. Even if it really was time to shut the hell up, she could feel her stubborn and fiery nature winning over. She never backed down from a fight. 'Say it. Say you don't feel anything for me.'

Brittany glared and Santana had never imagined that those soft blue eyes could hold so much anger. A few long seconds passed in their intense, silent staring competition and Santana smirked, opening her mouth to flaunt her victory with a witty remark… but before she even knew what was happening, Brittany had dragged her in by the front of her shirt and pressed their lips together furiously. Santana's eyes were wide as she felt herself being pushed up against the wall, the blonde's hands gripping her hair and the back of her neck.

It took her a second before she could respond, her fingertips dug into the denim on Brittany's hips and drawing their bodies closer together. All of that frustration and pain was replaced with need… a desperate desire to be close to the girl who had sent her whole world into such a spin.

Their tongues soon found each other and both girls moaned into the kiss. It was incredible. So full of heat and passion. Santana could feel every nerve in her body tingling and begging for more. Her hand reached under Brittany's shirt, trailing along the impossibly soft skin of her side and lower back. It was burning hot. She couldn't help but dig her fingernails in slightly. Brittany gasped but just pushed her body closer.

Santana couldn't hold back after that. Her body wouldn't let her. She kicked off the wall and hastily guided Brittany over to the sofa, their lips still joined in a heated kiss even as they fell onto it clumsily. Santana felt the blonde's leg between her own, pressing up into her center and she held back a whimper when Brittany shifted beneath her.

'Fuck.' She groaned, withdrawing her mouth to take a much needed breath. Brittany took the opportunity to lean over and place rough kisses and bites to her neck, causing the Latina to arch and squirm, her eyes rolling back into her head at the sensation.

Santana tried to focus for a second on what was happening but her mind just wouldn't listen. Instead, the hand that was underneath Brittany's shirt made a move to her front and began sliding up towards her chest. Just when her fingertips hit the fabric of Brittany's bra though, the sound of a car pulling into driveway abruptly caught the attention of both girls. Brittany stopped attacking her neck and looked straight up into her eyes.

Mixed in with the obvious desire and heat was panic and Santana instantly pulled back and sat up. She already knew what was coming next.

'I…'

'Have to go?' Santana answered for her, defeat lacing her words. But Brittany was already scrambling off the sofa and straightening her clothes.

The blonde opened her mouth to speak but after a few long seconds of silent staring, closed it again, her eyes sad and confused as she rushed out the front door.

Seconds later, Santana's mother and father walked in, chatting quietly. While her father offered her a brief smile and greeting before ascending the stairs to his bedroom, her mother crossed the living room and came to stand in front of her, her gaze curious and concerned.

'What's going on?'

'What do you mean?' Santana raised a cautious eyebrow.

'I saw that blonde girl leave. She looked upset. Santana… What's going on between the two of you?' The older woman asked gently but with a knowing undertone. 'Tell me the truth.'

Santana sighed in annoyance. First Kurt, now her mother. She was like a fucking hawk. Why did everyone in her life have to be so damn perceptive? 'There's nothing going on okay? She was… just sad that her… uh… cat died.'

Her mother frowned, obviously not believing the lie. Her eyes examined Santana's slightly ruffled hair and clothes pointedly before responding. She wasn't an idiot. She knew that look. 'Uh huh.'

Santana rolled her eyes and let out a frustrated breath. 'Whatever. I'm going to bed.' She grumbled, brushing passed that accusing stare and quickly moving upstairs to her bedroom.

Santana was sure that her mother knew the truth. She'd caught her making out with girls enough times in high school to know what it looked like. And she was right… there was definitely something going on between Santana and Brittany. Something big. She just had no idea what it meant and why Brittany refused to admit it.

How far would they have gone if her parents hadn't interrupted them? How long would Brittany have allowed it to go on?

Santana slammed her bedroom door behind her and picked up a pillow to throw across the room. This was seriously messed up. Brittany couldn't keep doing this to her.

She was going to go completely insane.

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A/N: So... what'd you guys think about that?

Before anyone starts hating on Britt-Britt though, I just wanna say, don't. All people are flawed. She's not a bad person. She's just confused and stuff kay? Don't give up on her yet.

Anyways, apologies that this update took a little while. I wasn't really sure about this chapter and I hope it turned out okay. Give me your thoughts!

(Also, ONE DAY LEFT UNTIL V-DAY! That is all.)