Remember when I said I would update again sooner? Yeah. That didn't exactly work out. Sorry =(
Between constant assignments and finding out that it is 99.9% likely Brittany isn't graduating, I fell into a giant slump. Please forgive me and enjoy this installment of fluff. My beta informs me it's quite corny lol (Thanks again for the work Beta!Jay =P much love). Expect some much larger, quite possibly game-changing events next chapter.
Thanks to everyone who is still reading =) Your reviews are my lifeblood.
After hearing the word girlfriend come out of Brittany's mouth, Santana began to feel a lot calmer about everything. The niggling fear and anxiety about opening up to someone and letting them into her heart was of course still present... But it wasn't nearly as daunting now. She no longer felt like she couldn't breathe or think freely without having some kind of panic attack. She even allowed herself to give in to the desperate urge to see Brittany again so soon after their first date. Even if some part of her warned that she needed to remain conscious of taking things slow.
In the midst of their texting on Wednesday, (something which had remained fairly constant yet extremely light and friendly since the weekend), Santana threw in an offhanded comment about maybe hanging out again sometime soon. Brittany seemed thrilled by the idea and instantly jumped on it, asking if Santana was free later that night and suggesting they have a video game night and play the Wii she had at her apartment. Santana immediately felt nervous excitement pooling inside of her at the thought.
While video games weren't really Santana's strong suit, a night with Brittany was not something she could ever turn down. Besides, she was interested to see the sort of things that the blonde enjoyed doing in her spare time. She just hoped that she wouldn't embarrass herself if they played one of those sports games that she'd seen advertised so often on TV... or basically anything that involved swinging her arms around like an insane person.
She had replied that yes, that sounded like a great idea and now, after an impatient and jittery afternoon at work, she found herself standing out the front of Brittany's apartment building, her heartbeat already picking up its pace as she pressed the buzzer. She'd gone home to shower and change of course, but that wasn't all she'd done. On her way over to Brittany's she stopped at the store and spent a good half an hour standing in front of the flower stall, trying to figure out which bunch to buy for her new girlfriend. The word still sounded foreign in her mind. It had been so long since she'd associated it with anyone. And pairing it with the image of Brittany was almost too good to be true.
But she wanted to be sweet. She wanted to impress Brittany now that she finally had the chance to show her just how much she wanted to make her happy. She wanted to give her everything she had to offer.
After some hesitation though, it eventually occurred to Santana that maybe it was too early for that sort of thing. Way too early. Flowers said serious. No, they screamed corny and cliché. And Santana Lopez was never cheesy or over-the-top. Well, not intentionally at least.
They hadn't even seen each other since the morning after their first official date. Santana had no idea if things were going to continue to be easy and comfortable now. Or if she needed to take a step back and let things progress at a much more leisurely pace, just in case Brittany had begun to feel overwhelmed by their growing closeness. Santana promised herself she was going to be smart. Considerate. Collected. She was going to think before she acted.
Absolutely no fuck-ups allowed.
Because it was Brittany. The metaphorical girl of her dreams. The funny, sweet, beautiful, quirky, adorable - (insert every other synonym here that describes her as the perfect woman) Brittany. That shining light that had taught her cold, dark heart to love again. To love properly. To love for real.
And if this was her shot, there was no way in hell that she was going to screw it up.
So, following that line of thought, Santana opted out of the flower-buying for now. It could wait. Instead, she picked up a bottle of wine and a packet of microwave popcorn. It was still enough of a gesture to let Brittany know that she didn't plan to come over empty handed... but not something so obvious that it might possibly make the girl feel uncomfortable, thinking that things were getting serious too quickly.
'Yellow?'
'Hey B.'
'San! I knew it was you. Let me buzz you in!' Brittany chirped over the speaker and a few seconds later, Santana heard the expected hum of the buzzer, allowing her to open the door and go inside.
She took a few deep, steadying breaths as she made her way to Brittany's apartment and when she finally arrived at the door, she smoothed out her shirt a little before knocking. Again wanting to keep it relatively simple, she'd decided to fall back on her good friends, skinny jeans and low-cut t-shirt.
She jumped a little when Brittany swung the door open abruptly, a huge smile on her face. 'Hey you!'
'Hey.' Santana giggled as she stepped forward. She almost went to go in for a hug but caught herself at the last minute and shyly handed Brittany her greeting gifts instead.
'What's this?' The blonde stepped aside, allowing Santana to move further into her apartment, and gazed at the objects in her own hands thoughtfully.
'Just in case we get hungry... Or thirsty.' Santana threw over her shoulder, digging her hands into the pockets of her jeans.
'San...' Brittany looked back up at her and grinned softly. 'You didn't have to bring anything.'
'It's nothing.' Santana shrugged, watching as Brittany managed to gracefully shut the front door with her foot and slide the wine and popcorn onto the kitchen counter.
'Are you ready for our ultra-awesome-super-mega-fun video game night?' Brittany announced, skipping towards the sofa and grabbing Santana's hand along the way. She sat them both down and beamed.
'Ready as I'll ever be.' Santana grinned. 'I gotta warn you though. I don't know if I'll be any good.'
Brittany rolled her eyes at her and laughed. 'Don't worry. I'll teach you.'
Santana bit her bottom lip and looked away for a second. She was almost positive that what she wanted to say next was going to come out awkward... and it was probably for the best if she just let it go, taking everything in her stride.
But that wasn't how she worked.
The words and thoughts had been nagging at her for days and she knew she had to say something soon or her brain would explode from over-thinking.
'Uh... About Saturday night... I... uh... I just wanted to let you know...' Santana turned her face towards Brittany, looking at her sincerely. 'I don't usually do that.'
The blonde frowned at her slightly and titled her head to the side. 'Go out for dinner?'
Santana felt a tiny smile tug at her lips, ever amazed by the girl's innocence. 'I mean the... the after dinner part...'
'Dancing?' Brittany asked curiously.
'No.' Santana shook her head, a light blush forming on her cheeks. 'After that... When we came back here?' She raised her eyebrows and hoped Brittany would get the hint. She wasn't sure when she'd gotten so bashful talking about sex. And yet, there it was. She just prayed that the blonde didn't make her spell it out word for word.
'Ohhh.' Brittany finally relented knowingly and then paused for a brief moment before her face morphed into a timid grin. 'Yeah... me neither.'
'It's not that it wasn't awesome or anything... Because it totally was.' Santana suddenly felt the need to explain. 'And I couldn't have imagined a better first date... Like ever.' She scratched at the back of her neck tentatively. 'I just... Well... It all happened kinda fast.'
Brittany hummed her agreement and nodded thoughtfully. 'Sorry about that.'
Santana's eyebrows creased. 'Why are you sorry?'
Brittany shrugged. 'I don't know. Because I wasn't exactly acting shy or anything?... And I really don't want you to think I'm some sort of sex-crazy slutbomb.'
'I don't.' Santana laughed.
'Good.' Brittany beamed. 'Because... I'm not that 'sleeps-with-people-after-one-date' girl... I... I never would have done it if it was... you know... anyone else.'
Santana's blush increased tenfold. 'Same.'
'And... even if it was quick... I wouldn't change it... I'm... I'm glad it happened.'
Santana released a relieved sigh. 'Me too.'
There was a long moment where they both just stared at each other, grinning like fools, the air growing warmer and thicker as time went on. Until eventually, Brittany giggled and slapped her hands onto the sofa on either side of her legs.
'So... how's about we get our game on?' She bounced up from her seat and moved over to the TV.
'Sure.' Santana breathed out around a smile.
So maybe they didn't discuss how quickly things had progressed in any serious detail... but something in Brittany's light hearted smile told her that their rash decision making wasn't going to be one of those things she went on to regret. For now, she resigned to stop fussing over whether or not it had been a good idea to sleep together on their first official date. She was happy. And Brittany seemed happy. So Santana figured it was probably much more important to start making sure that she didn't screw up anything from this point on.
As Brittany fiddled with the Wii, Santana reached down into her bag on the floor beside the sofa and pulled out her glasses case. She didn't need them all the time - just when looking at things that were far away, driving at night or focusing on a TV or computer screen for long periods. And up until this point, she'd avoided wearing her frames around Brittany. Not that she was that self-conscious about them. She just didn't wear her glasses unless absolutely necessary.
But since a night of video games was precisely the kind of activity that would give her bad eye strain and more than likely result in a subsequent nagging headache, she elected to bring them along. And besides, now that they were officially dating, Santana figured there probably wasn't much point trying to hide her geek side any longer.
When Brittany eventually stopped fiddling with the game station and turned back to Santana to hand her a controller, she bit her lip and smirked.
'What?' Santana raised an eyebrow at her from behind the black, rectangular rims on her face.
'You wear glasses?'
Santana could see the blonde was trying to contain a laugh as she rejoined her on the sofa and she rolled her eyes. 'Yeah yeah I know. How could a smokin' hot bitch like me get cursed with less than perfect vision and be forced to wear such horribly nerdy attire?' She quipped, shrugging. 'Just lucky I guess... And before you ask, why not wear contacts?, the mere thought of intentionally putting something foreign and made of glass into my eyes makes me squirm.'
Brittany smiled, scrunching up her nose and studying her face for a long moment. 'They're not nerdy.' Scooting over to close the distance between them, she ran her long finger delicately over the edge of the frames before pushing them a little higher up Santana's nose. 'Actually, I think they're pretty sexy... You've got that whole naughty secretary vibe going on.'
Santana felt herself blushing. 'Really?'
'Mhmmm.' Brittany hummed, leaning in close and placing a teasing kiss at the edge of her mouth, their lips just barely coming into contact. 'You're just full of pleasant surprises.' And with that she withdrew, shooting Santana a smug, flirtatious grin.
I'm not the only one. Santana thought to herself, her heart returning to a more normal pace now that Brittany's piercing eyes were no longer staring her down. For someone who acts so cute and sweet, this girl can be a fucking tease. Probably even more than me... Well, more than I used to be. Santana realized that even if her first impression of Brittany wasn't turning out to be exactly 100% accurate, this was soooo much better.
And suddenly, she couldn't wait to find out what other surprises the beautiful blonde had in store for her.
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Their endeavour into the world of gaming was interesting to say the least. Brittany patiently talked Santana through the controls of some tennis game and somehow managed to smother her laughter when Santana failed miserably, flailing and swinging her arm around like a fool as she tried to hit the virtual ball.
After just over an hour, Santana's cheeks and the tips of her ears were on fire with embarrassment and frustration. It was a simple game. But for some reason, she was completely lacking in grace and poise. She was missing almost every ball.
So maybe she was never that great at real tennis. But this was a fucking video game! And even though she repressed her scowls and frowns of annoyance when Brittany tried to give her a few gentle tips, she felt like a total idiot.
Brittany smirked cheekily when she won her tenth (or was it eleventh?) match in a row and turned to face her. 'Do you wanna try something else? I have some other games that might be a little easier?'
Santana raised an eyebrow at her. 'Don't be a smartass, B. We both know I have the hand-eye co-ordination of a cardboard box. Switching to another game won't change that.'
Brittany looked confused but Santana knew it was just for show. 'Come on... You weren't doing that bad.'
'Yes I was.' Santana rolled her eyes stubbornly. She always hated losing. 'I just don't think I'm cut out for this video game business.' She huffed, flopping back down onto the sofa and crossing her arms.
She felt Brittany sink down beside her but refused to look up. 'Awww... Are you pouting?'
'No.' Santana flushed, heat pulsing across the skin of her neck and shoulders.
Brittany giggled. 'I didn't know you were such a sore loser.'
That got Santana's attention and she turned to the blonde, glare firmly in place.
Brittany's giggles turned into full blown laughter. 'And now you're trying to stare me down... That's so cute.'
'Shut up.' Santana grumbled under her breath. It only now really occurred to her that the majority of her frustration wasn't from sucking hardcore at some stupid video game. It was the fact that Brittany was so damn adorable and sexy in everything that she did and she practically was dying with the urge to kiss her again... but she'd been holding back ever since she arrived at her apartment, out of nerves and fear.
Yeah, they were dating now. Yeah, Brittany was her girlfriend. But somehow that made it even more terrifying and more dangerous for her to get carried away with her impulses and emotions. What if Brittany didn't always want to kiss her? What if she rejected her?
Somewhere in Santana's mind, she knew that she was being ridiculous. Brittany had been flirty and touchy all night, shooting her playful looks and devious little winks. Not to mention the not-so-subtle way she moulded her body when she was showing Santana how to use the Wii controls. And the few times Brittany leant in close to whisper something teasing in her ear, making all the air in the room suddenly disappear. All signs pointed to full steam ahead.
But old insecurities die hard. And a nagging voice kept reminding her to take it slow, let Brittany lead, let her take control. That way, there was no possible way she could fuck it up... there was no way she could smother the girl with her feelings... or her constant desire to touch and be close to her...
Despite everything that had already happened between them physically, something about taking their relationship to the next level, the one where they were official girlfriends, was making her hesitate. And the last thing Santana wanted was to drive Brittany away by being too forward now.
This became incredibly difficult though when Brittany snuggled into her side and poked at her cheek. 'Grumpy pants.'
From the very first hint of contact, Santana felt like every part of her body was suddenly awake and buzzing with energy. Her head instinctively turned towards the girl that always made her feel so much, so quickly, and she swallowed hard when her eyes met soft blue. Brittany was sitting so close that her breath wisped against Santana's mouth when she sighed playfully.
'Do you... wanna do something else?' Brittany's eyes sparkled with hidden meaning.
Santana purposefully ignored the hint. 'Like what?'
'I dunno...' Brittany shrugged innocently and leant in even closer. 'Something fun...'
It was pretty obvious from the girl's tone of voice, encroaching proximity and the understated wiggle of her eyebrows that she was trying to tempt Santana into kissing her.
But despite knowing this, Santana remained hard-headed, clearing her throat and quickly squirming off the sofa to stand. 'How bout I open that bottle of wine I brought?'
Brittany's face fell slightly and Santana could tell she was a little hurt. 'Uh... yeah. Okay.'
'Cool.'
Nodding, she hurried off towards the kitchen and snatched up the bottle, taking a few long, deep breaths before preparing to call out and ask Brittany where she kept the corkscrew. She was completely caught off guard though when two arms suddenly wrapped around her middle, making her heart jump.
'Hey.' Brittany whispered, her hot breath hitting the back of Santana's neck.
This girl was some kind of ninja. Santana hadn't even heard her follow her into the kitchen. 'Hi.' She replied a bit shakily.
'Are you okay?'
'Yeah... Why wouldn't I be?' Santana felt her insides twist and skip when a feather-light kiss was placed behind her ear.
'You're acting kinda... weird.' Brittany said quietly. Her voice wasn't accusing or irritated. Simply curious.
Santana turned in the taller girl's arms and offered up the best smile she could muster. 'I'm good. Really.'
Brittany's eyes narrowed slightly as she peered down at her. 'Then why won't you kiss me? I've been dropping hints and everything.'
Santana flinched. Brittany may be a little peculiar sometimes but apparently she was also extremely perceptive. Fuck... 'I... uh... It's... It's not...'
'Do I have bad breath or something?' Brittany titled her head to the side cutely.
Santana sighed heavily and set the bottle down behind her on the counter, along with her glasses, before wrapping her arms around her girlfriend's neck. 'No... not at all.'
'Then what's wrong?' Brittany pouted, clearly feeling the rejection of Santana's idiotic and stubborn behaviour.
'Nothing.' Santana shook her head and leant up on her toes to hover close to the blonde's lips. 'Nothing at all.' And with that, she moved in and kissed Brittany gently, capturing first her top, then her bottom lip and sucking them lightly into her mouth.
When she pulled back, she noticed the wide grin forming on Brittany's face. 'I knew you couldn't resist me for long.' She quipped.
'Never.' Santana laughed breathily, her heart still racing from having to make that final, nerve-wracking move. She was silently thankful that Brittany didn't seem to want to press the issue further despite clearly being able to tell something was up. She hated herself for making Brittany feel like she wasn't wanted, even just for a short time. She didn't understand exactly why she refused so vehemently to give in to her natural instincts... but she did know that she had to get over it, and fast.
Brittany shouldn't have to deal with some strange hot n' cold girlfriend. And she didn't want to continue doubting herself all the time.
'So... can we make out now?' Brittany glanced up at her from beneath long eyelashes.
Santana blushed and nodded shyly, allowing her girlfriend to lead them back over to the sofa.
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They spent the rest of the night exchanging kisses, some lazy and tender, some heated and passionate, until Brittany eventually drifted asleep beneath her during one particularly serene moment. Santana tightened her arms around the slumbering blonde, her head rising and falling with the wave of breath through Brittany's chest and sighed contentedly. Her chest was still tight and achy from gazing into deep, endless blue. Her lips tingled and the skin of her cheeks and neck burned where fingertips had been dancing just a few minutes prior. Everything about that make out session was intimate - far more so than she'd been expecting. And it was almost overwhelming to the point where Santana felt like tearing up.
There was no grinding this time. No desperate urgency to start ripping each other's clothes off and commence humping like bunnies. The burn of desire remained, but some sort of unspoken understanding allowed them to contain it, in exchange for a few hours of enjoying the simple pleasure of being so close to each other. It was incredible how much could be said through smiles and soft expressions alone.
Santana felt the connection forming, like ripped tendons rejoined with superhero healing speed. For so long she had been apart from the world, apart from herself. The sensation of distance and detachment became almost natural. And now, that unfamiliar bond was returning. The swelling emotion, the peace, the comfort, the sense of belonging... and the slight twinge of fear that it could somehow all disappear without warning. It was much stronger than she'd ever felt before. All of it.
Sharing everything with someone was always a gamble. A leap, a risk - leaving you vulnerable and open... and yet, Santana had to reason that it was necessary. More than anything she needed to take a chance on Brittany. On herself.
Even if the fear of losing it all kept screaming that she should hold back, something else inside her inspired the urge to let go – to stop being so damn scared all the time and just act on instinct. Brittany wanted her. She was wanted. And despite all her physical and emotional hesitation, she knew it wasn't right to force the girl to reassure her of that whenever they saw each other.
Brittany was willing to be her girlfriend. That was more than enough proof. She had to stop questioning it.
Besides, Santana reasoned that if she was going to screw this up, she may as well do it while letting go and being herself.
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