Previously:
"She'll be there..."
"Who's she?"
"Nessarose..."
"Nessa?"
Oz, that came out badly... I swear, it was just because i was surprised (i'd been expecting you to say Pfannee, or Milla or someone like that), and more than a little relieved (i'd still been half convinced you were going to tell me you were pregnant, to be honest).
Hurt flickers across your face for a second, before the closed-off look i remember comes back again.
"It doesn't matter. I said it was stupid-"
"Elphie, you know i didn't mean it like that!" A noisy crowd of children run past the window, pushing each other and laughing. "I just....i was just surprised, that's all"
"Why?" There's more than a hint of bitterness in your voice. "Because you find it hard to imagine anyone wanting to avoid such a sweet, innocent, pretty little thing?"
"No...i..." I lean forward and lower my voice slightly "Elphie, if you must know, i assumed you were going to tell me you were pregnant-"
Ha! That catches you off guard; at first, you look too shocked to even respond.
Then "You thought i was PREGNANT?"
Oh great. Now half the cafes looking at us.
"Oh say it louder, Elphie....what if somebody didn't hear..."
"Sorry, you just....i mean, what.... how...." You start a lot of what i'm sure would be great sentances. "You know what....i'm not even going to think about it. Its too weird..."
"Fine....although you're probably too late- i bet you ANYTHING some one will have asked me if its true by this time tomorow."
"I bet you get asked before we get back today"
"A chocolate milkshake to a strawberry smoothie?"
"Done."
"Can we get back to the real issue now?"
"Um....what real issue?"
"You KNOW what i'm talking about! Don't pretend, you're really bad at it..."
"You're very cruel for somone who's so blonde..."
"So i've been told, but don't change the subject."
"Do we have to get into it now?"
"No, we can get into it here, or we can pay and get into it outside"
"May as well stay, at least there's hot chocolate here...ok, what do you want to know?"
"Um...ok, to begin with, WHY don't you want to be around Nessa?"
"Because! She's....HER... do you understand?"
"I can safely say i don't... i mean, i understand she can be kind of...." I was trying to stay diplomatic but it was hard "um...bitchy sometimes-?"
"No....no, thats not it at all... Okay, THIS is why its stupid. She hasn't done anything, she hasn't even SAID anything- theres a million more people who have done worse- but its like...when i look at her, she makes me remember EVERYTHING. Stuff i don't want to think about. Ever."
You look up with a half smile playing about your lips.
"Wow, you're not laughing and you haven't walked away..."
"Explain more of it. What stuff don't you want to-"
"Just everything. My whole fail of a life. Like mother dying,and father hating me....things he's said or done just randomly come to me when i see her. And everybody hating me...its like she's a link to everything bad...."
"But..." I'm confused. "have you felt like this forever? Since the begining of the year? Why didn't you-"
"It was the letter that did it, i think..." From the way you're tracing patterns in spilt sugar with your fingertip on the table top, it feels like you're talking more to yourself than me.
"I mean, we were close...but we weren't. You know what i mean. At home we were close, but here we weren't."
"Yeah..." Its bugged me for so long, the way Nessa had ignored you nearly since the begining of term.
"But everything was different here. We were away from home, i was away from father.... And the seminars were fascinating.... And then i had you to talk to, so i wasn't really alone anymore. And it was all....good. Just kind of nice. And it let me forget all the home stuff because everything was so new here. But then the letter-"
You bite your lip, hard, biting back tears or anger, i can't tell, before you meet my eyes.
"The letter was EVERYTHING. Like a reminder...there i was, finally happy, and then reality sets in again. Like- pretend what you want, this is what your life REALLY is! And then-"
Your eyes are shiney with unshed tears.
"Then you were so nice to me...nicer than ANYONE has EVER been to me...and you actually CARED what was going to happen to me! Nessa didn't even ask me where i was going to go, and she's my SISTER! She just handed me the letter... Oz, i could understand her not caring about me in front of father but she is my SISTER! Didn't she....doesn't she..."
You break off, and i suddenly realise the cafe is almost silent. EVERYONE must be listening to us... wow, thats embarassing....
"I think we should-"
I don't bother to finish, just drop some money on the table, push my chair back and stand up, and we leave in hallowed silence. Out of the corner of my vision, i can see you surreptiously wiping your eyes, but when you next speak, you voice is normal again, like a plea for me to be normal too.
"Do you want a break before i tell you the rest? I don't want you to overdose on my tragic tale..."
I think we both know the break isn't for my sake.
"Okay, let's find somewhere else to go....maybe somewhere that hasn't heard about your phantom pregnancy..."
"I think that would be good..."
