An update! :)

Chapter 1

Color Class

They never told me that when you read a letter…

October, 23, 2009

I'm really messed up right now.

A week ago, I had visited my sweet lovely little Kristen my perfect little wife only to be met up with a messy tornado of hurt and lies and pain and persistence and now, I'm standing here and nothing's on my mind and there's only this crumpled piece of imperfection in my hands that make me feel all so shattered and so broken and so unfixed that I think I feel the pain condensing in my eyes as I read those words, over and over, over and over.

Each one can't be processed into my brain.

Each one hurts me on the inside.

Each one is forever marked and imprinted and striking and so very stamped into my brain forever, in gruesome blood and horror and agony and confusion runs through my blood and veins and through the core of my head and I find myself, wanting to rip it to pieces, wanting to rip my heart into pieces to stop the throbbing that's always been within.

Ted…

I hate you.

The thoughts are bubbling through my head again as I slouch down and throw the letter down the table and I try not to remember anything but everything surges through me—the last time I've seen her, it was today, and she had her brown hair wrapped in a messy bun and her eyes didn't show any hate or any love or anything at all and she had the same lipstick she had on the day that I married her—and now, she's leaving me.

You always spend so much time in that wrestling business. Aren't I important, Ted?

It's all my fault. Teddy makes a big mistake. Go ahead, laugh. I'm sitting here, pain in shoulder, thinking and thinking, with thoughts of only why she'd do this to me, instead of why she wouldn't and I think that the color pink's haunting and it drains me out of my mind because it's her pink lipstick and she used to be my pink little rose with such tranquility and softness and such care…

I'm leaving you.

I think that's the best decision I've made in my life. Ted, look at you, you barely eat. You look like Hell and this past week was a disaster. And you have the nerve to tell me that you're staying for two weeks only?! What about our marriage? I barely see you!—why should I stay when you're like this?

I can't take it. I rip the paper to shreds and I know that those memories are still in my head and I just want to go to sleep without those thoughts burning through my head.

She's right.

I never pay enough attention to her. I shouldn't be able to love because I mess up at it and I can't keep a promise if my life depends on it and—who'd love me?

She's right.

I barely eat and I do look like Hell. Fat, blue eyed teddy bear that's stuffed and stuffed and stuffed…I can't even lose weight right.

I'm so messed up.

I don't know if anyone can fix me.

your entire world may change in an instant.

__

They never told me that maybe one day you'll look into the mirror…

October, 24, 2009

I'm going back home.

To Randy and Cody. To Legacy.

And I've spent the entire day, walking around the house, so helplessly and so hopelessly and so aimlessly, trying to treasure every part of it and trying not to cry and trying to not look into the mirror because now, that book into the mirror doesn't look anything like Ted DiBiase.

I'm cold.

I think my blood count dropped. Anemia.

I think my heart rate's slower. Bradycardia.

I feel weak.

In the mirror, there are chapped lips and dry skin. Brittle brown hair and breakable fingernails. Bruises on the left side of my head because I 'accidentally' hit my head across the cabinet because of the vanity and hate inside of me and when I look in the mirror, the rest of the world's all dull gray and it's ready to eat me into bits and pieces and I don't think there's anything left in me to give at all.

…I'm so cold…

That night, I'm tugging at my blue trolley and I'm wearing a blue jean jacket and I'm sure that I'm not calm because the stress and nervousness and loss of hope is bubbling right through me and as I walk through the airport, trying to look for Cody and Randy, I suddenly stop.

What will they think of me?

I think my eyes are dizzily rocking back and forth and I'm finding this condensing pain burn into my stomach and throat and I don't think I can breathe as my eyes look at the bodies of Randy and Cody, my eyes light up because they're my happy memories, all blue memories, calm ones that make my brain at ease as I walk towards them.

Cody looks at me and gives me a confused look, "I'm sorry. Do I know you?"

My heart might've stopped beating as my head tries to process the words. Cody doesn't know that I'm his old friend? He can't recognize me. I feel acid and bile rise up in my throat as Randy tries to look closely at me. "I think I know him." Randy's eyes have this type of disgust that makes nausea roll through my stomach.

I don't think I can take it anymore as I hear my trolley's wheels screech and I'm ready to run but then, the words slip out of my mouth, my thoughts, with all the pain that a person can harbor in his words, "you guys! It's me! It's Ted!" and I don't look at their expressions as I try to run off and I can hear their footsteps close by but I don't think I'll stop as I fall down onto the floor.

Pain pushes through my chest to my throat and I reach for my trolley again, pulling myself up, and having Randy and Cody help me as well slowly calms me down on the inside as I look at them, their eyes and their faces are still shocked as I shiver with the coldness that enters my body.

"…Ted?" Randy finally speaks up, holding my wrist so I don't try to run away again but I won't and his eyes are looking at my face, silently judging, silently speaking his words to me, 'Ted, you're… you look like…a skeleton."

Cody nods his head, touching my shoulder a little too tightly, and Cody notices and loosens his grip. "What happened to you, man?" Cody asks, his eyes are trailing down to my body and humiliation seeps through me violently as I look down.

"I don't know," I finally let out, my voice's weak and I think my eyes are going to fill with tears but they don't and my face's hot but the rest of my body's freezing cold as Randy puts his warm hand on my shoulder. "Kristen left me, guys."

Their eyes fill up with shock and both say the same question at once "why?" and I want to tell them everything, the words that she'd written, everything but a part of me sees how they are now and I don't want to hurt them anymore so I say a quick "I don't know" before Randy put his hand towards my head.

"He doesn't have a fever," he announces to Cody and Cody nods his head as if it's the question that's been spiraling through his hand and Cody takes my trolley as I continue my constant shivering and I don't notice it. Randy throws his huge jacket over my body, and puts one arm around my shoulder, squeezing me towards him and I don't say about how tight it is because I realize that this isn't supposed to be tight to a normal person.

I'm not normal.

and not know whose the person looking back.

__

They never told me that everything's turning so colorless…

October, 25, 2009

It's around three in the morning.

Cody and Randy are asleep, tired and exhausted and even I am, I've been in a flight that seems like it's really forever ago, and now, I have thoughts and thoughts of colors running through my head and eyes.

Randy's always been lavender purple because when he's happy, anyone's world can light up but he's rarely happy but when he is happy, then nothing in the world seems to matter and he's always had this feline elegance in his eyes and I know that I can look forever in his eyes. He's a violet. A precious sweet violet flower.

Cody's always been a mixture of blue and green, like his eyes are, and he's a pretty little flower that turns green and blue at the same time, and he's blue because he's calm little Cody that doesn't want to get angry at anyone and he's green because he's so made out of the Earth, he cares about every bit of the Earth and he'd do anything to help the people he likes.

And me…colorless…trying to find a color for himself.

So very colorless.

and you can't do anything to save yourself from drowning into the nothingness that inside of you so badly.

Great. Now even I hope it gets better. Nah, just worse.

:P Sam