James was waiting in the living room for me, sat comfortably on one of the green sofas. He looked up at me and smiled.
"Is there anything you'd like before bed? I can get the maid to make you a heated drink if you want" he said tentatively. I perched on the sofa just across from him.
"No, but thank you for offering" I said, hoping he would not detect the tremor in my voice. The dying light outside lit up the corner of the room, illuminating a chess set, dusty from years of neglect. "We could always play chess" I said hopefully, gesturing to the dusty chess set in the corner. James had taught me to play when I was younger, but I had yet to beat him.
He stared at me in surprise. "Chess?" he asked, looking slightly bemused at the idea.
"Yes, I'm determined to win for once" I said, grinning. He took note of the challenge in my voice, and his face also broke into a smile.
"Let's see if you've gotten any better since I taught you" he said, picking up the set from the corner and placing it on the low table between us. He began to set up the pieces. "White or black" he asked me.
"White" I replied swiftly. It seemed fitting enough; it was my wedding day, after all.
"Right. Your move first then" he said.
He beat me, as per usual. I had a sneaking feeling that he had gone easy on me though; there was no other way I could have captured his queen. By now, the sky had merged into an inky black, the first early stars twinkling shyly like little diamonds.
"Well played" he commented "you're getting better".
"You're just saying that" I retorted with a laugh. He got up to close the curtains.
"Are you tired?" he asked gently.
I was, but I didn't want him to know that. I stifled a yawn, and smiled brightly up at him.
"Not particularly. We could always play another match" I said, determined to put off going to bed for as long as possible. It was like I was a child again; I had hated bedtimes and the like, and had pleaded with my governess to let me stay up each night. But I couldn't ask for a bedtime story tonight.
"No, I think it would be better if we retired" he said, bending down to pack away the game. His hand brushed mine in the process, making my breath catch slightly. "I'll give you a minute, shall I?" he asked softly. I nodded, knowing I was fighting a losing battle. I turned to go upstairs, when I remembered that I didn't know where the bedroom was.
"Where do I sleep?" I asked nervously.
"The first room on the left; you can't miss it" he said "my house isn't quite as big as the governor's mansion" he added, with a good natured laugh. I smiled forcedly in response, and went upstairs.
As he had promised, I found the room quite easily. I stood on the threshold, taking it in. It was simply decorated, more for a male than a female. There were paintings of ships hanging from the walls, and James's ceremonial sword lay sheathed on the writing desk. I went over to it, and ran my fingers lightly along the hilt, playing with the gold filigree at the end.
A maid had unpacked my possessions earlier, and arranged them neatly in a wardrobe. I rummaged through and found my nightshift. Looking around, I could see James had added a few feminine touches for my sake; a mirror and dressing table stood next to the wardrobe. A jar of flowers stood on the windowsill, their heady fragrance filling the room. Though I was touched by these small acts of kindness, it could never make up for the loss of Will.
I realised I needed a maid to help me out of my dress. I stood there for a moment, wondering what to do. I didn't want to ask James; I was too embarrassed. So I bent my arm round, and fiddled with the bindings at the back. They were stuck fast. I tried looking in the mirror as I did it, but as I twisted my head round, my back twisted too and I couldn't see what I was doing. I gave a little cry of frustration, and sat down dejectedly on the bed.
"Elizabeth? Are you ok?" came James's voice from the door, making me jump. I whipped my head round sharply, causing my neck to click.
"Ouch" I mumbled crossly, rubbing it. James hovered uncertainly at the doorway. I realised with a sinking heart that I probably looked a right sight; my hair was coming out of its pins with a few honey brown tendrils trailing down my shoulder, and my stays were half undone.
"Should I fetch Maria to help you undress?" he asked in concern. I gave a little groan, and buried my head miserably in the pillow. Tonight was going worse than I had anticipated. If only Will….no. I commanded myself not to think about him, but it was already too late. I gave a little sob of despair, my eyes filling up with salty tears. I heard James come over and sit down on the bed.
"Sshh…" he murmured gently, stroking my hair. I felt my entire body tense up at his touch. I turned my head slightly and looked up at him. His green eyes were wracked with pain at the sight of me in such a state.
"I'm sorry" I whispered sadly, letting the cool pillow sooth my face. I stared out of the window into the darkness. I couldn't see the ocean, but I could hear it. The waves made a soothing noise as they lapped over the stones on the beach; rather like a lullaby.
"Do you want me to close the window?" he asked.
"No, leave it open…" I said softly, my voice trailing off. James got up and switched the main light off, leaving just the two oil lamps on either side of the bed shining softly, bathing the room in a golden glow.
"I'll help you with your dress" he said, sitting down next to me again. He meant nothing by it, only that he wanted to help me. I did not say anything; I was so tired of resistance. I felt his gentle hands brush my skin as he unthreaded the cords holding my dress together, caressing my back.
"Thank you" I said awkwardly, sitting up once he was done. My voice was bland and emotionless. I bent down to pick up my nightshift, which had fallen down by the bed in my fit of despair. I peeled off the dress, not caring if he saw me or not. I pulled on the nightshift and lay back down, staring at the ceiling with unseeing eyes.
"I'm proud of you" he said suddenly. I looked up at him, wondering what on earth I had done this time. "It hasn't been an easy day for you, not in the slightest" he continued, taking my hand.
"What makes you say that?" I asked, playing the fool. He sighed, and ran a finger gently across my cheek.
"It doesn't matter now, I suppose" he conceded. "But you know I will always love you, don't you?"
I blushed again. I knew full well that he loved me, but no matter how hard I tried, I didn't think I would ever be able to love him in return. "Why are you blushing?" he asked, with a small laugh, lightening the atmosphere considerably.
"Oh, I don't know" I said with a sigh "I guess I just never expected things to be like this"
"Don't be embarrassed around me" he said quietly.
"I'll try not to be" I said, propping myself up on the pillow. "I'm just…"
"What?" he pressed gently.
"Scared" I said, in a small voice. His eyes widened slightly at this, and he leant in to kiss my forehead, his lips barely brushing my skin.
"You haven't got anything to be scared of" he whispered, his lips still hovering over my forehead. Though his eyes were filled with tenderness, I could detect a hint of desire in them. I wanted to get up and run, but my legs felt as though they were made from lead. "I promise I won't hurt you" he said, hands pressing gently upon my shoulders for me to lie down. His lips trailed down from my forehead, catching my own.
The kiss he offered was quite unlike the one at the altar, which had been cool and detached. This one was different; warm and loving. Without even realising it, I found myself responding to the kiss. It offered so much comfort after the miserable day, and my cold, broken heart began to warm again. I lay down on the pillows, his arms wrapped around me carefully, as though he sensed I might break if he held me too tight. His mouth was so warm and inviting, distracting me completely from anything else, and I tried to keep my mind firmly blank as I felt his hand push my shift up.
I felt him press on me, and he looked into my eyes, as though requesting permission to continue. I gave a slightly fearful nod, and he pressed down harder. It hurt at first, though he tried to be gentle. But as he went on, an entirely different, alien sensation started to tingle through my body. I found myself clinging to him tighter than before, wanting him all at once. He checked at this, surprised by my acceptance, but I pulled him back down for another kiss. I had never thought that this strict naval officer would be capable of such a passionate embrace; but discovered I was grateful for it.
Soon I found that the feeling going through me was growing unbearable, and his skin felt so hot against mine. I gasped aloud, and he whispered my name over and over in my ear, his breath as ragged as my own. I gave a tiny cry, clawing at his back and burying my face in his neck.
He followed suit, and sighed, trailing dozens of kisses over me.
"I love you" he whispered, his voice tired yet content. He kissed my lips again, softly.
Now, at the absence of the pleasure from before, it began to dawn on me what had just passed between us. I moved under him, trying to sit up. Noticing this, he quickly moved off me. I sat up, horribly conscious of my nakedness. Grabbing my nightshift, I pulled it quickly on, my hands shaking and my heart pounding. I avoided looking at him, and lay at the very edge of the bed, pulling the covers right up to my chin. I shut my eyes, pretending to be asleep.
I heard him reach over me to turn the oil lamp off, then turning off the one on his side. He lay down next to me, and as soon as his breathing was deep and even from sleep, I got up and sat by the window. Dressed only in my thin linen nightshift, I grew bitterly cold. But it was nothing compared to the icy spear that had plunged its way through my heart. I cuddled my knees, and cried silently, the silvery moon bathing the tears on my face.
"I'm sorry Will" I whispered, utterly broken. "I'm so, so sorry".
A/N: Well there you have it folks, my first M-rated scene. So, did it fly or did it flop? I still can't believe I just wrote that. hiccup.
