I'll update tomorrow so don't worry.
Chapter 2
Soul Seeker
They never told you that when you stare at your skin
That I've come to believe my soul's on the other side.
October, 26, 2009
When Cody and Randy wake up that morning, they suggest that we go out to the park to train for the upcoming match and I know that they're only trying to lighten the mood as I slip out of my sweater, Cody stares in disbelief and his pupils dilate and my heart feels like stopping but it doesn't and I don't know why.
I look down at my skin and I realize that everyone can see my spine and that my skin's so pale and papery that I realize how could they not stare? I look so very dead and I know that I should be put into a casket and I want to be in a casket, having them stare at my body, as I walk towards the bathroom and lock the door and I find myself looking at the mirror and the person in the mirror—he's just a stranger and I don't know him.
"Ted! I'm sorry!" It's Cody's voice and I know why. It's all because I'm so very frail and weak and delicate that anyone can rip me into pieces just by the second and as I wear my ring attire, I realize how fat I am and my lip's quivering and I grab onto a black t-shirt from my bag and wear it, only to look at the mirror and I don't know why I'm so obsessed with my weight but I am.
I try not to stare but I just keep on staring.
I take Cody's boots and wear them and I look at the mirror and honestly, all I want to do is roll into bed and cry because I'm just so hideous and as I walk out of the room, Cody tries to comment about me wearing his boots, like he always does but he doesn't and he looks at Randy.
I'm so cold.
I'm just shivering and the coldness doesn't seem to get out of my body and I feel Randy's hand on my shoulder as Cody takes out a jacket and puts it on my body, wrapping me into a huge jacket as Randy gives me a hug to warm up my body, I grip onto him as if he's my savior and he steps back, as I continue to shiver with coldness.
"We'll stay," Randy decides but I shake my head.
"Ted, you're so thin. You can barely walk," Cody adds on and his voice's filled with sorrow for saying it and it's making me feel like I'm all wrong and destroyed and damaged—I don't want anything to be wrong with me. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay," but it just boils anger in me but I don't feel like I have enough energy to start a fight and as Randy puts me down onto the floor, touching my forehead and looks at Cody. "Food. Get him something to eat."
I want to protest but I'm melting into Randy's arms and I'm just so tired as I look up at Randy's eyes and he's my violet and I feel so calm around him and as Cody comes back with a tray of bagels and pancakes, he settles them down and the voice in my head is screaming No! No!
The voice's so loud and I can't shut it up and I'm suddenly alert and awake and my eyes are wide and I know that my heart's ready to burst out of my chest. Don't you dare do it! This is why she's leaving you. You barely eat but you're still fat. You eat and you'll get even worse. No one will love you that way. The voices are so loud in my head and I can't breathe.
I take a deep breath and Randy takes a piece of the pancake and rolls it and takes it close to my mouth but I shake my head. "Ted, you have to eat."
I shake my head again and put my head on the pillow. "Come on, for Legacy," but the voices are screaming in my head No! No! Don't do it you, bitch! And I shake my head again violently.
"I'm sorry." Randy says and he says something in Cody's ear who equally apologizes in a soft "sorry" as he holds onto my shoulders and Randy shoves the piece in my throat and I can't concentrate on anything as I shout and Cody tightens his already tight grip and I let out a scream.
"We're sorry!"
And he forces the food down my throat, over and over, over and over, and the voice's so loud that I can't control what I feel and I start hitting but I know that my punches are weak and frail and delicate that Randy really doesn't feel anything and I lay on my bed, feeling as if it's acid in my throat.
Randy leans down to me and his voice's soft now, "please, don't hold it against me. I just don't want to see you like this."
"Get out of my face."
He doesn't understand how loud the voices are, he doesn't understand how much pain I've been through when he'd stuffed the food down my throat and he doesn't understand how it ripped through my heart and he doesn't understand how scarred I am thinking that there's something wrong with me and Randy and Cody—of all people—made me feel betrayed and scarred and hurt.
I think that my soul's on the other side of the mirror and I don't know if I have my life here at all. I think that my life is there—on the other side of the mirror and I don't know if anything's worth this death I've suffered in this world. I want to go to the other side, meet Bloody Mary, and be alive…
Be alive.
I want to be alive.
Can I seek my soul on the other side? Or is it too late? I lay in bed, feeling Randy and Cody's guilt but at the same time, I don't want to talk to them ever again and at the same time, I just want to cry in languish and hurt and agony to them but I just lay there, drained out of energy, thinking my soul's on the other side of the mirror…wanting my soul back…
Because they make me feel like a corpse.
…you may think it's a cover of lies hiding the truth underneath
Ted angst.
That makes my day.
;) Sam
