Disclaimer: I do not own Lie to Me or any of the characters in this story.
Longest chapter yet, and.... well, you'll see. Thanks again for the reviews.
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Gillian Foster was trying to think of news she'd heard in the past that had shocked or upset her more. Finding out Alec had been cheating on her had been upsetting but, if she was honest with herself, far from unexpected. She'd had her suspicions for quite some time before they were confirmed. This was right up there with losing Sophie. That was the only time she could honestly say she'd ever felt anything close to how she was feeling right now.
Cal couldn't look at Gillian, which seemed to be somewhat of a pattern for him this morning. He couldn't bear to see the pain on her face, especially knowing he was the one who'd put it there. Yes, he knew he was hurting her, but he thought that in the long run this was what was best for her, and at the end of the day that's all he wanted- what was best for Gillian.
"I... how could you say that?" Gill asked. She had to speak. Needed to say something. Anything. "Please tell me this is one of your sick jokes." The tears hadn't come yet- she was still far too shocked for it to have fully set in.
"I'm not joking, Foster," Cal said, his voice quiet and serious. He swallowed hard, fighting the urge to show how much what he was doing upset him.
"Cal, I love you," Gillian said desperately, her eyes starting to well up. "I thought you loved me too. I thought you wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. We talked about this. I remember. We talked about working until we were ready to retire, keeping ownership of the company but handing the reins over to Loker and Torres so we'd have something big to leave Emily when we died. We talked about moving to the country, somewhere quiet where we could read a book in peace and I could have a horse. You wanted to buy an old English motorcar and restore it, and we were going to go for drives on Sunday afternoons and have picnics. Cal, I didn't imagine this by myself. You said you wanted it too."
Cal didn't think he'd ever been so close to crying in front of Gill. He shook his head. "That's a load of tosh," he said coldly. "When are you going to stop believing in happily ever after, Foster?" he asked her. Maybe if he was acting like a bastard she'd not be so upset. "It doesn't work that way. Don't you know that? There were things I thought you wanted, too, but sometimes people are wrong."
"Is all of this about me not wanting to try for children with you?" Gillian asked. "Is that what this is about, Cal? I deserve an explanation. If you're going to leave me less than a week before our wedding you owe me that much." She was desperate.
"What difference does it make?" Cal asked her. His face wasn't giving away anything.
"It makes a difference to me," Gillian replied, the tears starting to fall. "I need to know why. Can't we work this out?" she asked hopefully.
Cal sneered slightly. "I'm not good enough for you, love," he said quietly, finally bringing his eyes to meet Gill's. He leant forward in his chair, his forearms resting on his thighs just above his knees. "You deserve better. You've always wanted kids. Always," he emphasised. "You should be with someone you want to raise them with, not settling for a cranky old bastard like me."
Gillian tried to maintain the little composure she had left. If she knew what the problem was she could fix it, and Cal was talking now. This was a good start. "What do you mean you're not good enough for me?" she asked. "Cal, you're my best friend. We've been through so much together. Two divorces, a cheating spouse, an ex who manipulated one of us into making a decision that almost sent the company into ruins, then coming back from that... We've been through terrorist attacks, explosions, near-abductions by serial rapist copycats, hostage situations.... Things that could have ruined a lot of people, but we've stood by each other and we've got through it together. I couldn't have made it without you. I don't even want to think about what it would be like to try. Can't you see that? Look at my face and tell me I'm lying. Tell me I don't love you more than anything else in the world."
"I don't want to lose you as a friend, Gill," Cal said gently, reaching out to wipe a tear from her cheek. "It's not that I don't love you. You just deserve better. You should be with someone who's going to be a good father. Someone you want to have a family with."
"Cal, I want to have a family with you," Gillian insisted.
Cal looked at her, confused. "You told me last night you didn't," he said. "I promised you that one way or another we'd have one together, and you told me you didn't want that."
Gillian shook her head. "No, I didn't," she said. "I said I didn't want to try. There's a difference."
Cal stared at her blankly. Why were women so bloody complicated? It sounded like the same thing to him.
"I want a family, Cal," she said softly. "Honestly I do. And I want to have it with you. I dream about it at night, and during the day I space out thinking about what it would be like to hold a baby in my arms again and know that it was ours. I see mothers out with their children and honestly sometimes I just want to take them home and love them."
Cal quirked an eyebrow. "Slightly-psychotic kidnapping tendencies aside, I'm still confused," he admitted.
Gill sighed, reaching up to wipe tears from her eyes. "I went through all of this with Alec," she said. "The hope and anticipation. The disappointment when we tried and failed, the elation when it worked and then the devastation when I miscarried and the doctor told me we weren't going to be able to do it naturally. When I eventually convinced Alec to adopt he was adamant he could never love someone else's baby like it was his own, but for 57 days he did. Both of us did. God, Cal, I've never felt anything like the way I felt when I held Sophie in my arms. It was like for the first time in my life I was actually complete," she said, fighting back another wave of tears. Her voice started to shake more as she continued to speak, her volume dropping to just above a whisper. "Then when her birth mother took her back from us...." she trailed off, and in no time Cal was sitting next to her, his arms around her body and his hands stroking her back soothingly. He didn't say anything, he just kissed the top of her head and rocked her gently.
It took several minutes for Gill to calm down enough to speak again. When she did her voice was weak and shaky from emotion. "I just can't go through those emotions again," she told him. "It hurts too much. It hurts me, and it hurt Alec. It hurt our relationship. I don't want to do that to you and me- as individuals or as a couple. It's easier just to not try. Then I know we're never going to go through that."
Cal sat silently, trying to take it all in. "I want a family with you, Gill," he told her. "I know how much you want this, and I want it too. I don't care if it makes me a sissy, but I dream about it. I dream about you with our kids, seeing you laugh and play, and seeing you hold them or read them stories when you tuck them into bed at night. Sneaking chocolate pudding before dinner and drinking slushies in the park. I think about you baking cookies for them and sewing Halloween costumes and trying to remember how to do long division without a calculator so we can help them with their homework... All of that. I know it won't be easy, but I want to try it with you. I need to. We owe ourselves that much, don't we?" he asked her. "And when it doesn't work right away, we'll be expecting that, and we'll keep trying because we have each other for support. You said it yourself. Together, we can make it through things we couldn't do on our own."
Gillian tightened her grip on Cal. Her heart ached when he talked about them as a family. She wanted that so much that some days she honestly didn't know if how she'd ever cope without it. It was easier than having it taken away, though. "I'm scared, Cal," she whispered. "I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want you to get hurt, either, and I don't want to fail you like I failed Alec. I can't promise I'll try for a family but please don't leave me. I can't survive without you. I need you."
"You didn't fail anyone, love," Cal told Gillian gently, giving her a little squeeze. "And you could never fail me. I love you, and I always will. No matter what."
Gill tightened her grip on Cal and nodded slightly. "Does that mean you'll think about it?" he asked quietly. He needed to feel like she'd at least consider it. He'd never known he could love anything as much as he loved Emily, and he wanted for Gill to have that. She'd had it with Sophie, but it had been torn away from her. He wanted her to have it forever. A child that was theirs to keep.
Gillian nodded slowly. "No promises," she reminded him, her voice weak. "But I'll think about it."
For now, her words were enough for Cal.
