I was still sitting in Freddie's lap; I couldn't bring myself to meet his eyes. I already knew what his eyes would say. They would say 'poor thing she watched her mother died' or 'her mother was on drugs, good for her for living above the influence'. Every time I repeat that story, people look at me with pity and I hate it.
I don't know how long I was sitting on Freddie's lap, but the silence started to get to me. I felt as if I needed to know what he was thinking about. I assumed he felt pity for me, but something in me needed his confirmation. I raised my head and started talking to him.
"Freddie what are you thinking about," I asked in almost a whisper.
He didn't respond, but he continued to look me in the eyes. His gaze was so strong, that I wanted to look away, but for some reason I didn't.
"Look already know what you're going to say, so just get it out the way now," I said slightly irritated, because he was just sitting in silence, staring at me. This wasn't the Freddie Benson that I knew.
"Oh yeah, then what was I going to say," he asked challengingly.
"Something along the lines of 'poor baby watched her mom die.'"
I was tired of sitting on him and feeling helpless, so I got up and started to walk along the sidewalk. Freddie was right behind me, I could feel his body heat radiating behind me.
"No I wasn't going to say that. I was going to say that I admire you. You really are more beautiful and strong than you give yourself credit for. I don't know what I would do if something like that happened to me," Freddie said to my back because I still walking in front of him. Until he grabbed my wrist and turned me towards him.
"I'm sure that's what you were thinking," I said sarcastically.
"Why don't you believe me," he asked slightly hurt.
"Why should I believe you?"
I yanked my wrist from his grasp and started to walk away from him, I felt bad for pushing him away, but it was the only thing I knew how to do. I learned over the years to push all emotions away.
Freddie ran to catch up.
"Stop pushing me away and tell me what you want and how you are feeling," he asked.
"I don't want anything and I haven't felt in a really long time," I said coldly.
"Yes you do. Damn it Sam, just tell me what the hell you want," he said frustrated.
"Fine you want to know what I want," I yelled.
"Yes," he shouted back.
"I want to be a kid again. I want to have a life where I don't worry about being a static. I want to be able to grieve for the lost of my mom. I want to have someone hold me and just let me cry. I want to love the person I see on the mirror everyday. Do you know what its like to want to get out of your skin? Do you know what its like to hate yourself? I want to say I have a dad who I can actually trust. I want to feel again. And lastly I want my mother back," I whispered the last part in tears.
Freddie seemed to understand that I didn't want to hear any words. I just needed somebody to be there for me. He pulled me into another hug, and rubbed small circles on my back, as I cried into his shirt. I cried for my crappy childhood. I cried for myself. I cried about the time David left and I cried about my mom. I was never given the chance to actual feel anything, when my mom died. Everyone around me seemed to be worried about how much everything was going to cost. So I just sat back and numbed myself to it all.
After I finally stopped crying, Freddie put his arm around my shoulder and we started to walk home. We walked in silence for a couple of minutes, but then I started to feel awkward about the whole situation.
"Umm Freddie can you do me a favor," I asked.
"Sure," he said, and then he kissed me on the top of my head.
"Can you not tell anybody about my little break down to day?"
"Why would I tell somebody," he asked.
"It's just that I have a hard time trusting people. So I'm just a little uneasy about opening up to you."
"I understand. It's another reason that Carly and I broke up. She was a talker, so naturally she talked about everything. The girl was an open book, but me, not so much. I don't think I even told her my favorite color."
"So then why did you open up to me, I mean we just met each other."
"I know this my sound strange, but I trust you already. There is just something about you that makes me trust you," he said honestly.
"I understand."
We just walked and walked. It felt like I was hours away from home and sleep. I hadn't even realized that I ran this far.
"How far are we from the house," I finally asked after another five minutes of walking.
"We should see the subdivision in five minutes."
"Good, because I need some ham and sleep," I said dramatically.
Freddie let out a deep chuckle.
True to his word, we saw the subdivision a few minutes later and arrived home at a reasonable hour, considering the circumstances.
As we walked up the steps, Mr. Benson was walking to his front door at the same time. He looked over in our direction and we froze. I wasn't sure what to do; I didn't know if he knew that Freddie was living with us. And if he did, I knew it would not be a pretty situation.
I reacted as quickly as I could.
"Put your hands on my hips," I whispered.
"What," he asked
"Just do it," I whisper yelled.
He put his hands on my hips and then I pulled him into a hug.
"Now, pretend like we are on a date. You are just dropping me off at my house. Then walk down the sidewalk, and wait until I come get you" I instructed.
"Okay."
"Good night Freddie," I said.
"Good night Sam." He pulled me into a quick goodnight kiss.
When Freddie walked down the sidewalk and disappeared, Mr. Benson turned towards me.
"Well Samantha, I see that you're dating, my son," he said in an intimidating voice.
"Yes Sir," was all I could muster.
"I will be watching the two of you." He didn't say anything after that; he walked into his house, without at second glance.
I waited a couple of seconds before I ran to get Freddie. We quickly walked into the house and practically ran up the stairs. I was trying to avoid David and Jennifer and Freddie was just trying to feel safe again.
We made it up the stair and were standing in the hallway, in front of our respective doors.
"So I guess this is goodnight," I asked timidly.
"I'm right across the hall if you need me," he said smirking.
He turned to walk into his room, when I stopped him and got on my tippy toes, to plant a good night kiss on his lips. Then I walked to my room without looking back.
That night, I tried to go to sleep, but I couldn't. I just wasn't sleepy, so I went down stairs to get a snack. I tip toed down the stairs and tried to be as stealth like as possible. I slipped into the kitchen, the only audible sound, was the soft humming refrigerator. I opened and saw that there was still some ham left over from dinner, which I missed. I pulled the ham out. When a sound made me jump.
"Hello," I called out.
"Well I was wondering when you would finally see me."
This is sorta my filler chapter. Thanks again for all the reviews! I can't believe I reached over 50! You guys are the bestest readers and reviewers ever! I won't say which part, but some of the emtions in this chapter came from personal experinces. Be gentle, parts of this chapter feels like my baby. To everyone that sends reviews for this story, I will give out personal shout outs for all the support. Okay hope you enjoyed it. :)
