Okay, short chapter but it's still an update! :D
Chapter 3
Piercing Pieces
They never told you that when you break into pieces…
All the little pieces falling, shatter
October, 27, 2009
I'm now only pieces of nothingness on the floor of Cody and Randy's life and I know that they think I'm pathetic.
They talk to so many wrestlers, telling them that they can't come in because they have to take care of me, telling them that I'm now an anorexic but I'm not and I know that and as I lie down, feeling betrayed, I don't dare tell them that I feel queasy and nauseous because they'll come racing to me.
I don't want to feel so ugly anymore.
I don't want to feel like I'm so out of control anymore.
I want control. I need control.
But I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be alone anymore because it's hard and I know that Randy's trying to give me closure but I don't think that anyone's like me, suffocating in my own blood, choking in my breath—
Randy tells me that he'll be my therapist and help me because he knows me better than anyone and I nod my head, trying to let the words slip out of my tongue "please, no" but he doesn't want to listen to me saying no.
And as he rubs my back, he says that he'll get a book about therapy to help me get through this and as it becomes dinner time, I'm still so very protestant about it and I don't dare say a word because I'm tired and he holds me down and I take it with the voices screaming in my head and I drown in those voices.
The pieces of my life are on the floor.
I don't want Randy to step on them.
I don't want Cody to step on them.
I don't want them to be hurt because of me. I don't want them to be scarred because of me.
I don't want anyone feeling this way. Ever again. Please, I don't want them to feel this way at all.
And at night, now, I have a dream that freaks me out. I'm stuck, in this black condensing darkness, and I'm so pale into that darkness and there's no light and all and there I am, out of control, spiraling and spinning and running to find a place in this darkness.
I can't.
I wake up screaming.
Randy's arms wrap around me and he holds me as my body shakes and shivers with the coldness at the thoughts of the darkness and Cody, now, sleeping beside me, at my sudden shaking, hold me and they're both clasping onto me, trying to keep me warm.
Nothing makes me happy anymore.
Nothing makes me warm anymore.
I want to breathe.
I can't.
I just can't.
…you may not be able to get glued back.
Ted torture is so fun.
;) Sam
