Okay, updating. :)
Chapter 4
Ruined Remains
They never told me that when you dream
Shards of me,
October, 28, 2009
Randy wake up at six o'clock and tells me that he wants me to start therapy with him and it's making me queasy, having him be my therapist. But he's convinced that he wants to help me be better and he's convinced that it'll go smoother if he knows my progress and what I'm thinking.
"What did you think of when I called in for help?"
"Betrayed. I was betrayed."
"Oh, Teddy… I'm not betraying you. I just want you to get better. Look at you—"I cut him off because I think I know the words and I think that's all I can hear and I think that I want to die if I hear them again.
"I get it! I'm ugly! I'm betrayed! Just say the words straight up, Randy," my heart's pounding in my chest and I'm so very cold and I just want to freaking die but no one will let me and no one understands me. I'm just so very alone and Randy can't see that. Randy doesn't know the pain I feel inside and he doesn't know about the agony that twists and turns into my heart, sloshing acid and he doesn't know how painful it all is.
"You're not ugly." Randy snaps, touching my face but feeling his hot fingers across my cold flesh just makes me feel of how abnormal I am, of how different I am from everyone else and how it might always be that way and I just close my eyes and I feel like I'm falling into my own black hole.
"Then I'm beautiful?" I ask and I know that he'll lie and say "yes" but Randy says the truth he knows instead and shakes his head. "I told you! Stop feeding me lies. I know what I am. I know who I am…just leave me alone."
"Oh, Teddy, what happened to you?" Randy asks, rubbing his fingers against my skin and I wonder how I've changed and I feel so broken inside knowing that I changed and I just want to be normal but nothing will ever be normal again in my book and—and—
I want to scream.
I'll all pieces on the floor.
I'm all messed up.
No one's going to clean up this mess that'll forever be shards and pieces and broken little particles of Ted DiBiase Jr. on the floor. No one really likes me anyways. No one ever notices me. On the sidelines. Forever torn.
Forever gone.
I'm nothing now. Why does he try to fill me when he knows that nothing can fill me up? I don't know but I'm tearing up inside and I don't know how to stop myself and I try to breathe but really—when did I ever breathe?
"Why did you develop anorexia of everything, Ted?" Randy asks, sitting down beside me, holding onto my shoulder, making me feel his warm, envy it, want it and I look up at him, shaking and thinking and wanting but never really having.
"Because-because I'm fat," I respond and shake and shiver with the coldness that keeps getting into me, dragging inside of me, burning up in me. "I'm a fat dope, Randy."
"Oh no," he brings me closer, holding me, rubbing his fingers in my hair in comfort but he doesn't know that nothing will ever comfort me and I know that the truth hurts but lies hurt even more and now, I want to lie to myself and tell myself that everything will be fine and that I'm pretty and Randy's really trying to help me but lies will only break me even more and I just want to be glued back together in this world.
I don't have any glue.
"Kristen's a fool. Don't think about her."
"She left me because I barely eat," I finally say it and Randy's eyes widen as he brings me closer, hugging me to his chest. "She left me because I barely eat and I'm still a fat slob that doesn't know how to commit."
"You can commit, Ted. Don't listen to her." Randy tries to encourage me but he doesn't understand that nothing will ever encourage me ever again. "She doesn't know what she's lost."
"Randy," I barely say his name, burying myself into his chest, feeling him grip a little too tightly but I don't want to tell him that he's too strong for my little body because I don't want to sound little and fragile and frail and I see my life breaking up inside of me, my wrestling life, my love life, my life, all wrapped and broken and I'm too dead to pick up the pieces.
"So you didn't stop eating just because of her? Why?" Randy's voice's soft and I look down at his floor and my head's spinning as I reel back the memories of torment and torture and pain through my head and I just want to hit my head and see my heart bleed and I just want to freaking die remembering it all and please, just leave me alone…
"Randy," I finally begin, and my voice's so soft I don't think he can hear. "My father died of a cardiac arrest."
"Oh," he says and he takes me in as I grip onto him and scream and whisper and remember the over washing memories of his funeral and-and—I say the words that are swirling through my head and Randy takes them all in and he doesn't say a word as I scream.
"It's all my fault! All my fault!"
It just hurts.
All of this.
It hurts.
…I can face back the past that I'm trying to leave behind…
they can make me weak to the world
They can leave scars…
Just leave me alone…
There you go. Therapy… or at least how I think it works.
;) Sam
