An update. Twice in a row. Maybe even tomorrow I'll update! :)
Chapter 5
Sharp Spear
You look down at the floor and you know…
Too sharp to put back together
October, 29, 2009
I don't know if I'm really myself when I look at the mirror.
Cody and Randy have a match and I tag along because I don't think that I'm that useless and I don't want to think that I can't help my two best friends and as I sit down, drinking water from a water bottle, sitting next to a cooler Randy and Cody had stashed a few ice cream cups for me and they used to be my favorites too but now, I just can't like them.
I hear John Cena and the Miz fighting as they make my way and sit down, all squabbling and biting each other's throats and when they look at me, "you lost or something?" Mike asks, walking towards me and sitting down, holding onto my shoulder and squeezing it tightly.
I stare at them in confusion as I realize that I look so different than I did before that even the people I've lived with days and days don't recognize how I look like so I sigh and twirl my halfway empty water bottle. "Not lost."
But I really am lost. Inside.
"Really? A new wrestler?" Mike inquires and he puts his hand out so that we can greet and I feel like running away again but I don't and I shake my head. "What? You Cena-shy or something?"
I look at John who's staring at me. "You do look extremely familiar."
"Oh, I know," Mike agrees, staring at my face instead of my chubby, ugly body. "The eyes remind me of someone—anyways, how'd a boy like you become a wrestler since you're really, really lightweight?"
"Nice way to greet people, Miz," John responds, rolling his eyes. "You probably know who I am. John Cena. And this is the guy I hate the most right now. The Miz."
"I know who you are," my voice's raspy and hoarse. "Guys, it's Ted DiBiase from RAW?"
Their eyes widen and their face turns pale and I wonder if I look that bad but I know the answer and it's yes and I look down at my feet as I bend them towards the bench's other empty end, and I bury my head in it.
"You got…really…"
"Thin," Mike chimes in, touching my shoulder. "Something happen that you want to talk to us about?"
"No," I snap, feeling so worthless because my voice, instead of being strong, is tiny and weak.
Randy and Cody walk in after the show and see that I'm curling into a ball and my head's on my knees and Randy's face turns angry, spilling rage, as he turns to look at Mike and John. "You do anything to him?" Randy spills out in rage and they shake their heads, trying to explain the situation.
I stand up and look at Randy, with pain burning through me and filling me and stabbing me and I think I feel tears gather at the corner of my eyes as I speak with a weak voice because I can't make it stronger without feeling a strain of agony tearing up in my throat. "I can't believe it, Randy."
Randy's eyes soften as he tries to touch my face but I step back because I already know that I'm so very abnormal without having his hot fingers touch my cold face and I don't deserve his touch.
Cody walks towards me but I step back even more until I'm pressed to the wall and this alerts John and Mike who stand up and stare at this new beast that's condensing in me and I know it.
"I can't believe it," I say in a loud voice, feeling the agony tearing up in my throat, torture reeling through my vocal cords and it's really know I feel, pained, hurt, tortured, distorted into another time and another space and I deserve every bit of this torture. "I can take care of myself, Randy. I don't need you feeling sorry for me."
The look in his eyes is a sharp spear to my side and I don't know how to feel happiness anymore and it's beyond my reach and I just want to die. I look at myself and I find nothing but a stranger that's barreling through life like it's all a dream and dreams are my only escape from this dark reality that haunts me.
"Ted, I—"Randy starts but I turn around and I run. I run hearing him scream, over and over, "Teddy! TED!"
And as I run, around what seems like two hours but are really just nothing more than ten minutes and as I reach the parking lot, I bend down and throw up, pain and acid in my throat and I fall down onto the floor, feeling so very fragile and broken up and I look up at the sky and I try to breathe but I don't think I can.
Then I hear footsteps. "Can I help you?"
When I look up at his name tag and it says DR. RICHARDS.
"Y-yeah," I respond as I bite my lower lip, feeling it want to tear up and I think I can taste my blood and I'm so very dizzy. "I-I'm an anorexic and I need help." I say and as he reaches out his hand, I take it, feeling so very dizzy as he helps me up and tells me that he'll take care of me.
I look back once more.
"I-I'm sorry, Randy." I say to the thick air that's surrounding me and I look back down at the sidewalk and I find nothing and I see nothing but faded memories and stabbing horror at thinking of death and blood as he takes me inside of his car and I look out.
My stomach wrenches with uneasiness and nausea and in the middle of the drive, he looks at me, inspects me as I look down at a photograph of Legacy, missing them, wanting to turn back.
I've been in his car for around five hours and we're still not there yet.
I look down at Randy's picture, feeling my tears well up but they don't fall at all, numb little tears at my eyes. Richards kneels close to my lap and looks at what I'm looking at and he lets his finger point at Randy. "You love him."
"I…I…" my throat dries as I look down at him and shake from the coldness that's overtaking my body and I let the words flow out of my mouth. "I can't love anyone anymore."
My Teddy muse is still following around like Hell...I need a new muse.
Ted: What? I'm good!
;) Sam
