I swore to my heart that I will not make Randy kiss Ted in this one but it got me this feeling and I just had to do it! I always follow that feeling for some reason. These chapters just get bigger and bigger or something?

Chapter 12
Fearful Fight

Thoughts of past
November, 21, 2009
I

"He needs to walk around. Needs to be to places he's been before. He needs to remember," the doctor orders of Randy who only nods his head and digests all this information as it flows to his brain, soft and sweetly, Cody's staring at me and tries to help me out of bed while I try to steady myself.

Randy takes my hand from there, holding me as he takes me to the bathroom. A blush creeps on my face. "Do I call Cody? Does it make you uncomfortable that I have to make sure you don't get hurt when you strip down?"

I shake my head. "It's okay."

He knows it as well as I do.

It's not okay.

It scares me to think of his body pressing mine.

He holds onto my waist as I try to slip out of my pants, and having him brush against me, my person wall sends a shiver down my spine as I let my pants fall to the ground and Randy massages my hip. "There, there, Teddy. I promise I won't do anything to you," he whispers into my ear.

I nod my head and slip off my underwear, feeling my cheeks go red hot when I do. I grab onto my underwear, which I left on the sink, and wear it silently, trying to forget that Randy Orton's eyes are watching me, possibly wanting me—or is it me liking it? Is it bad to like a rapist?

I think so.

But this Randy seems different.

He holds onto me as I wear my jeans, quick and his hands lift my shirt as I hold onto the sink, his hand goes to the t-shirt and helps me wear it but it smells—it smells like him. Does he carry extra clothes around everywhere? I wonder about these thoughts silently as I feel him press a kiss to my cheek. "You did it, Teddy."

He knows how hard it must be for me.

"Oh just one thing," he slides sunglasses to me. "Now, you're my Teddy."

His Teddy?

I feel him help me out of the bathroom, holding onto my hip as Cody grins and takes my other hand so that I can walk balanced. "Where do we usually head off?"

"It's Saturday," he says. "Usually, this is our relaxing day—so coffee shop, head to the park, then back to the hotel?"

I nod my head. That routine—it sounds familiar.

But at the same time, it doesn't.

As we make our way to the nearest coffee shop, they order and wait for me to order, I stare at Randy, but shake my head. "Not hungry."

"Teddy…please, for me?" Randy almost pouts.

"I'm not hungry, Randy." I whisper to him, almost crying on the inside. I don't want to eat. However this anorexia in me is, it's still there. I'm just plain tired. I sneeze.

"You sick, Ted?"

Cody looks over his phone, "says here that Hepatitis C has flu-like symptoms."

"I hate whatever this Hepatitis thing is," Randy says, lifting my chin. "Maybe we should just take Ted home?"

"No!" I exclaim. "I don't need to go home—I don't have any memories…"

Randy nods his head towards me, patting my shoulder, "we'll go to the park. But we're not staying there for long, understand? Just for a quick smoke for me and you two do what you always do. I don't know."

"Ted, did you get your medication from the doctor?" Cody asks.

I pull out a syringe from my pocket and stare at the liquid. "Yup." I say simply, before Randy takes it from my hand.

"I don't want you with needles. You know how we should never put you around needles. Ever." Randy says.

I shrug my shoulders. "Not even for a minute?" I ask.

"No."

I watch as he slips the needle inside of his bag and kisses my forehead. "Don't hurt yourself, Ted."

I nod my head and look at Cody, who simply gives me a quick smile. As I watch them eat, I can only remember one thing—obsessing. Obsessing over my face and my hair and my eyes and how I look and I remember thinking I'm just too hideous to be alive. I remember… I shake my head enough for Randy and Cody to notice.

"Are you okay, Ted?"

"Yeah," I say, holding onto the waistband of the jeans. "Just big."

"Those are Cody's," Randy suddenly says, stunned to the bone and the book in his eyes tell me everything—I'm not supposed to fit into Cody's jeans, much less feeling as if they're big on me. Randy lifts my chin so that I'm eye to eye to him, "oh, Ted, just one bite for me?"

"Don't you think I'm beautiful now?" I finally say, with tears threatening to burst from my eyes. Doesn't he? Do I really look hideous?

"No, Teddy, it's not that," he says, his eyes fill with emotions that I feel as if they're not supposed to be there, 'it's just that I don't want you to go back into a coma again. I want you to be okay."

"I don't know if I want to be okay, Ran," I say flatly and looks down at the table, placing my hands on top of the table and thinking, just hoping and thinking that I don't have to go back to that horror realm inside of my head, closing my eyes for only a short while. I don't need to go into that darkness at the back of my head.

He holds onto my shoulder, squeezing it.

"You don't think I'm beautiful, just admit it," I finally say, and I feel as if a hundred memories as pacing through my head at once and I find myself holding onto Randy's shoulders and shaking him, "admit it!"

He holds onto me and puts me in place, kissing my forehead once more and trying to calm the dizziness with a bit of coffee, "no. I think you're beautiful in anyway. You are my Teddy and I will take care of you."

Cody smiles at Randy and they both share a quiet moment of silence while Randy tells Cody to inject me with my medicine. Cody grabs onto my hand and leads me to the bathroom and a stall and it's so cramped that I watch as Cody takes off my pants and underwear, taking a deep breath as he pushes the needle to my behind. My stomach twists and my head feels like spinning as I hold onto the door handle because it's the nearest thing ever and for a moment, I feel it jerk off as I fall down towards to the floor with Cody on top of me.

Having this position makes my heart flutter and my brain explode.

Several of men stare at us as Cody stares in shock at them. And my head, it's all broken and shattered with thoughts of what they're thinking of us, of me, of just him, but nothing's out of their mouths as Cody helps me up and I dress myself with nausea rolling through me and my head exploding on the inside.

I feel so disabled.

Needing Cody to help me inject my medication.

I feel so humiliated.

Having those men outside know how I look like with my pants off. It's just embarrassing and as Cody leaves the room, giving me a quick kiss on my forehead, he walks off and asks me if I need help which I say a simple "no" to as I watch him walk off. He knows I need time to just piece together what had happened.

I feel the visions in front of me blur.

I can't believe it.

I take another breath, soft and quick, letting my hand run over my hair, but I feel as if I can't breathe. I don't know why… my heart thuds as I try to take breaths, having trouble, struggling to let oxygen take in my lungs, I finally walk out of the stall, having one of the men wrench me backwards and whispering something in my ear, "aren't you pretty?"

It's that feeling again.

Of being a prostitute.

I stare at him, and I try to move out but I'm too fatigue to notice that he's stronger and nothing I will do can get me out of this as he presses his lips to mine and I try to breathe. That's my only struggle now as he lets go of me. "Something's wrong with this bitch," and I know that already as I bolt out of the room, my body reddening as a standing Randy takes me by my hand and looks at me, "is there anything wrong, Teddy?"

"Me…I—"I swear I feel like I'm crying but I don't want to think that I'm weak.

I am weak.

I just don't want to face the fact.

I bury my head into Randy's chest, feeling his warm skin against mine, I don't know. He feels safe. I feel safe around him but part of me is telling me to just watch my back. After what Randy's done…

I'm just so confused.

What am I?

Who am I?

Will I change tomorrow?

Will these thoughts be the same today? It's just so confusing to me. I watch as Randy grabs my body and carries me. I feel so tiny and little compared to him now. I know that I didn't used to feel tiny. I used to feel strong. Now, I feel and I am weak. A weak little boy that anyone and everyone can play with.

He kisses my forehead, a quick and chaste kiss. "Let's take you to the park. Or do you want to go home?"

I don't want to ruin their afternoon just because I'm too weak.

I've already ruined too much of their lives.

I don't want it to be worse.

I hold onto Randy's t-shirt, clinging to him as he walks me to the park. That man. The way he called me a bitch. As if I belong to him. And the look in his eyes – the look of Richards before he raped me – my brain processes.

The only reason I've imagined Randy raping me is because I had Richards do it to me. That nightmare is in the form of one of my fears. I fear Randy doing the same to me. I'm afraid of Randy turning his back on me like Richards did. As I process this, my insides burn. I feel like a completely reckless person that can't even control my own thoughts and emotions. I want to be loyal.

I don't want to be afraid of Randy.

I don't want any of that.

I want to be in a reality.

Where everything's good.

And nothing's just wrong.

I want it to be that way.

One way or another.

I feel Randy sit on a bench as he strokes my hair. "Aren't you going to smoke?" I ask him and he shakes his head.

"Maybe I've got a new addiction," he says, running his hand through my hair and I know I shouldn't have been afraid but I am. I'm shaking and I'm clutching onto his t-shirt as if I'm begging for mercy.

Cody stares at us from a tree, smiling at me and Randy, but not saying a word as he plays around with a ball, Cody's just like that – playful, childish, even as an adult – and that's why I feel as if he's my little brother.

I don't want to lose him.

I don't want to lose Randy.

It's just so confusing. I'm afraid that I might slip into the blackness again and I might not remember anything. I know I will. I feel as if I will. I hold onto Randy's face, letting my fingers trace along his face and he leans down, too close and my eyes close as I shake even harder.

"Oh, Ted, don't be scared. Please." He begs.

I slowly open one eye before hesitating to open the other. "Ted, I would never hurt you," he promises me.

"I—I'm just scared, Randy. I can't control my fear." It's the truth and I let it slip out of the tip of my tongue. "I want you, but I can't have you. I hate you and I love you. It's just so confusing!"

"Maybe it doesn't have to be confusing," he says, lifting my chin so that we're eye to eye and he kisses me, a soft and chaste kiss, and I hold onto his neck, bringing him closer, looking into those eyes of his, feeling his breath on my face. It's just so confusing. I want him. I really do. But I'm scared. I'm scared more than I can ever imagine.

"Ted…"

He kisses my lips again, making me feel like a solid body only watching him and wanting him but not having him. I know this feeling. I run my hand through his face.

"I swear you're beautiful…"

"You don't have to lie," I say, barely letting my words flow out of my mouth as I press my lips against his again, quick. I don't want those passionate ones. They just remind me of those nightmares I want to get away from so hard.

"You're beautiful. I swear to God you are."

"Oh, Randy…" I say, holding onto his neck harder, pressing his body to mine and suddenly, I don't care where we are. I don't care about who can see us. I don't care about anything anymore.

For the first time in such a long time, everything feels right.

And as Randy and Cody take me back to the hotel afterwards, Randy lying me down to the bed, and making a move to walk away but I don't want him to go. I want him to stay with me. I want to hold him. I want him to hold me…

I tug at the dark green sleeve material of his shirt and he looks back at me, smiling a beautiful smile on his pink lips as he leans down towards me, I just love those pink pouty lips and as he starts to walk away, I stop him. "Randy…"

He twists his head. "Yeah?"

"Can you hold me?" I say, putting my hands outstretched for him to walk towards me and when he does, he holds onto my body, kissing my hair, and rubbing my back. Cody walks in to put my stuff and I tell him if he wants to sleep inside of this room too and he shakes his head, inclining before he takes his backpack and goes away. Cody's just too sweet sometimes for his own good.

I stay with Randy here, right beside me, his beautiful body's pressing against mine and even though I know I shouldn't be, I'm completely and utterly afraid that he'll hurt me…though the feel of his skin, pressing against mine, it's so addicting. He puts his mouth close to my ear, "about the park…I'm sorry I lost control like that. I know I shouldn't have kissed you. I'm sorry."

"It-it's okay," I stutter.

"You don't have to pretend that it's okay, Teddy. I know it's not. I saw what I did to you in your nightmares, in your memories, and it just hurts me, Ted. I know you know that I'll never hurt you but—I don't want to bring back old scars. I'll stop until you'll okay." Is that all I can have? Only an hour of feeling that everything's right?

My heart shatters.

Harder.

"Please, no, Randy, I need you around," I whisper, but it comes out so scared that Randy knows what to do as he leaves me alone on my bed and I watch as he walks off, snapping the door shut behind him.

I need him back.

It's around ten o'clock when he left.

It's two o'clock in the morning now.

I'm trying not to fall asleep. I don't want to go back to those confusing dreams. I don't want to think that Randy can hurt me.

I let the razor rip through my wrist.

Blood seeps out.

"Randy…please, come."

No savior. No knight in shining armor. No Randy.

Just me.

"Please…"

The razor falls out of my hand when I feel a surge of pain overtake my wrists and I look back down.

I pretend like there's nothing wrong with my too imperfect body as I slip wristbands around my wrists and lay on the bed, struggling not to fall asleep.

It just hurts knowing that your dreams are always going to be nightmares.

It hurts to know that you can't control anything.

That's why I like to control why I eat.

Because it's the only thing I can control.

Haunts me.

I want it back.
November, 22, 2009
Breathe

The sun sparks through the curtains.

They burn my eyes.

When you try to sleep with your eyes open, you remind yourself every minute that you can't fall asleep and this is what's happening to me right now. The sun's burning through the surfaces of my eyes, sinking to the core and I find myself harshly blinking and I don't even like blinking anymore.

I stand up, holding the table for balance as I look at myself in the mirror.

Red eyed instead of feeling wide awake.

Dull brown hair instead of livid sandy brown.

Grayish flesh instead of peach.

Heart's pouring blood from a cut that's too deep.

I can see this all and I hated what I've seen. I feel Cody's jeans slip off from my waist and I fish for a belt, but the belt doesn't even support the pants anymore as I hear Randy knock on the door. "Decent?"

Doesn't matter.

He knows what I look like naked, doesn't he?

He walks inside when he doesn't hear any response from me and he looks at me, wanting to kiss my forehead but deciding against it and I can see all of this in his eyes. "Ted, Cody and I are going off to the gym."

"I want to, too!" I exclaim, not wanting to feel weak.

Fragile.

Broken.

Frail.

He stares at me with horrified eyes and shakes his head, "you can't stand up straight, Ted." He reminds me.

"I know!" I exclaim, and feel the truth burn inside of me. It just hurts knowing that I can't stand up straight, much less walk and much less exercise. "Can-can I please just watch?"

He stares deep into my eyes before giving in and nodding his head.

"I haven't taken a shower in…" I realize this suddenly when I see the droplets of water running from Randy's hair.

"A shower? Okay, then, Ted," Randy takes my hands as he pushes me upwards. "Like I said. I promise I won't do anything to you. Just help you shower…"

I nod my head as he takes me towards the shower, holding onto my waist as I hold onto his shoulder. It's the scent of water that brings me to life. It reminds me of Richards – at Richards, I can crawl.

But I need to show Randy I'm not scared of him, even if I am truly intimidated. I still feel like I've hurt and broken him too hard.

I watch as Randy opens the shower as he helps me discard my clothes. And our bodies, pressing together as he helps me while I hold on, it's just scary and exciting both at once. It's like I love and hate him all at once. Two opposite things combining each other at once as Randy helps me slip in the shower, and he tries hard not to get drenched but he does anyways and he knows that water can dry off.

I hold onto his neck, having his body press against me as I let the water run down. He holds onto my waist while I hold his neck. I take the bottle of shampoo and conditioner when I need it and massage it to my scalp while Randy grips tight so I don't fall and as the water turns cold, I close the tap and stare at Randy's eyes.

He stares back at mine.

The way our bodies press…

He suddenly leans back and I fall down, hitting my head hard, causing Randy to gasp in terror. "I'm sorry, Teddy. It's just that—I don't think I can handle this," he whispers, leaning down to me, so that we're eye to eye. "I don't think I can handle seeing you like this without wanting to touch you…"

"Please, don't," I whisper, suddenly as scared as ever.

"I won't. I'll call Cody." He promises as I shake my head.

"I can do it by myself."

"No, you can't."

My eyes widen. He'd never given me limits before to what I can and can't do and now that he has, my heart's just jump starting and ready to burst through my chest. I want to cry from horror. I don't want to think that my Randy had said those words of all. I'd always given myself limits but hearing it from Randy hurts more than anything could. Having this person I love and hate and like and dislike, stare at me, and give me limits, it just burns me on the inside with coldness.

After Cody's come in, he had given me a quick shot and help me get dressed and I don't say a word to him about Randy and he doesn't mention it either as I hold onto his shoulder. "I'm sorry."

"For what?" Cody suddenly asks, puzzled.

"For making you do this. You guys have a life besides mine, and I don't want you all to throw it away just because I can't do anything," Cody's eyes fill with sympathy but before he can say something, Cody hears Randy shout his name and as Cody looks at me. He picks me up and holds me to his chest and I stare in shock.

Cody's never been able to do that before!

My heart thuds into my chest. Am I really that tiny? That weak? Am I? I watch as he takes me and him to Randy and Randy's eyes widen with realized horror. "You can carry him, Randy? Oh shit. Ted, I swear you need to eat something!" I've never seen this ferocity in Randy before.

It's like everything's turned upside for him as he shuts his mouth and takes me from Cody's arms and I'm too scared. So intimidated that Randy's holding me. And I bury my face in his chest, hoping to avoid getting a glimpse of his face.

I'm scared to death of him.

And I know it.

As they go to the gym, Randy lays me on the bench as he orders me not to move and I stare at him as he and Cody start on the treadmill and as I sit up and look around, finding out that they're the only one here right now burns relief right through me. I hear the sounds of Chris Jericho and Jeff Hardy's laughter and I twist my head around to see them both standing there, like a couple of maniacs, laughing over something and nothing. Jeff's eyebrow arches as he stares at me.

"Theodore DiBiase?" he asks, walking over to me. "You've changed."

"I know," I whisper, looking back at Randy and Cody who are too busy running to notice and I nod at them.

"And even with this new look, Orton still looks worse," Chris says, implying that I'm hideous. "Seriously, where'd you get that face and body? An operation screwed up or something?"

My heart skips a beat as tears threaten to roll down my eyes.

I know I'm hideous.

It hurts me to hear it.

It hurts me too much to hear it.

I want to say something but my mouth's sewed and my head's spinning dizzily and I look down at my arm, to see a pinkish reddish rash settle there and I wonder—why didn't Randy or Cody say anything about this before?! I suddenly feel as if they're betraying me or something. It just feels that way.

"And Orton…he seriously has a tan overload." Jeff adds on. "DiBiase, he's more of a 'I-never-had-a-meal-in-my-life' overload."

They both laugh as tears roll down my face. Harsh and hard.

"Stop it!"

"What you going to do?"

I stand up and feel myself unbalance all of a sudden as they laugh even harder. "Shut up," I snap at them, feeling the anger boil into my usually empty body and I try to give Jeff a quick cheap shot but he holds onto my hand while I steady myself with the other.

"Want to start a fight, Theodore?" Chris Jericho asks, his eyes twinkling harshly and his mouth looks like it's been bitten.

I don't say anything as they shove me towards where Cody and Randy are, hitting the glass of the wall, and breaking it into pieces; they stop instantly and lean down to see if I'm okay. Randy's eyes are then fixated on Chris Jericho and Jeff Hardy, "you something else to do in your damn time instead of pushing Ted around?"

Chris walks towards Randy, staring into his eyes. "You got anything else to do other than defend him?" He bats his eyelashes and it's all it takes for Randy to start a fight with Jeff and Chris.

I watch as Chris Jericho does a Codebreaker on Randy Orton, which wrenches him backwards while Randy's eyes look coldly at him and he grabs onto the nearest thing near him, Cody's bag, and throws it on his face, knocking Chris on the bench. Jeff walks towards me to help his new "friend" and tries to give him a cheap shot but Randy holds onto Jeff's arm, making Jeff jump and kick him in the stomach by his legs, making Randy land on top of me.

Chris Jericho and Jeff laugh, causing Randy to stand up again and giving them both a quick punch on their guts, making them both hold onto their stomach as Randy punts Chris Jericho and he landed on Jeff, naturally. Jericho stands up while Jeff admits defeat, and walks over to us, leaning down towards me, and whispering words into my ear that I had already known, before Randy surge to give him a quick punch—which Jericho dodged so that he had punched me.

"Oh, Ted," Randy's voice's already apologizing as Chris helps Jeff up and they walk off without another word, but their laughter fills the air. I know I'm not supposed to care what they think of me.

But I do.

And it just hurts.

I don't want them to think that way about me. I don't want to think these things about me. I look down at the floor—another thing I can't control, people's thoughts—and as Randy helps me up, and I just know that I'll never be perfect enough in anyone's eyes and knowing that, just stabs me in the heart, making me bleed.

I know I shouldn't care…

"Ted? Are you okay?"

I simply nod my head.

I'm a bad liar.

"I'm sorry. I swear, I am."

He doesn't know my thoughts and I'm just glad that I can control that—even for just a week or two before they all explode right in front of him. My thoughts. The images that haunt my head…he'll know everything all over again and I'll be too confused to answer, all over again, can I just stay the way I am now?

Broken.

But not shattered.

Suicidal.

Just not committing suicide.

Control freak.

Just not too controlling.

I don't want to go over the edge.

I don't care about dying.

I care about Randy…

As we go back to our hotel room, all of us squished into one, just like old times, with me on a bed, Cody also on one, and Randy on the couch, I should've just told Randy that I have trouble sleeping these days or used another excuse but I don't and I watch them as they sleep, wanting so much to sleep but if I slip in a coma again now, I'll regret it later. I don't want this to happen.

I drink a bottle of Miranda, and watch them asleep, just watch them asleep like some vampire.

I hear Randy's voice.

"Can't sleep?"

Randy walks towards me, sits down on my bed with a blue blanket covering his back and shoulders. "Huh, Ted?"

I shake my head. "No… I'm trying to stay awake."

Randy arches an eyebrow. "How long have you been doing this?"

"From the day I woke up from a coma," I explain, as Randy lifts my chin and looks at me directly. "I'm afraid if I do then…"

"Sleep, Ted."

"No!" I exclaim, throwing the empty can at the floor of the room. I'm too reluctant. I don't want to close my eyes. I want to sleep. Yes, I do. But I don't want to close my eyes. "No, Randy." There's more force in my voice.

"Ted, you're a human being. You need to sleep sometime!"

I shake my head, having the world around me spin. "Not if I can help it."

He doesn't say another word as he goes to the couch and lays on it, staring at me but not long after, he falls asleep. I stare down at the floor, letting my hand glide along the rug and I feel a twig of satisfaction being broken.

I break everything these days.

Need to remember.

I'm the only one
November, 23, 2009
No

As they wake up in the middle of the morning, Randy stares at me. "Have you slept?"

"No."

I struggle in my sheets, staring at the ceiling and my eyelids are too thick, threatening to close any moment. "Ted. You're forcing yourself to do this for what? Nothing?"

"No more nightmares." I tell him. "I don't want them!"

He holds my back and arches me to his chest, rubbing my back smoothly. "Teddy, please," he says. "Cody and I are going to leave for the gym. You stay here and sleep…I promise, nothing's going to happen. You can have control of what you think."

That's what he thinks.

I haven't had control of what I think in so long.

As they leave, I watch at the ceiling.

But I guess Randy wins this one because I can't stay awake any longer. I'm too sleepy. Too tired. Too worn out and exhausted.

I find myself black into the realm with doors.

The ring sparks up into a deadly red color.

Blood.

I walk through one of them.

My eyes look around.

Home.

I'm around seven years old. And this is too real to be a nightmare. That door—it's a memory door. I guess.

I take in a deep breath, trying to remember Randy's words—that I can control what I think but I don't feel like I can.

I slip inside of the room, without another word slipping off my tongue and my eyes search the room.

It's my mother's room.

It feels so familiar. But at the same time, I don't even know what I'm doing.

I hear the sound of lightening.

I step inside of the room.

The scents are familiar, too—too familiar.

They remind me of Jeff Hardy.

I walk towards the drawer and open it to where the scent is strongest, and I see syringes and bottles.

Drugs.

My head spins.

It makes scene.

It just does. Doesn't it?

How come I don't remember this…?

How come I remember this right now?!

This is real. I know this scent. I know this room. I know that I was confused when I first saw these. I thought that she was sick.

She really was sick.

Mentally.

It just explains everything.

Slipping in and out of shadows.

Crazy.

Am I the same…?

I snap back into reality, and look around, smiling softly to myself as I hear the click of the hotel room door and Randy and Cody walking inside. "You slept now?" Randy asks, sitting down beside me, holding up a tray of food.

I nod my head.

"Good. Dreamed about anything?"

"Not dreaming. Remembering…" it's too sickening for words to even remember. I don't want to remember that my mother's on drugs but it fits just everything. My horrible childhood, she never abused me or anything, but she always had this 'zone out' look on her face, always crazy eyes, hyped up, same face she had as I was—born? Is that the word?

If she was on drugs when I was born then…

It explains just everything.

The birth defects. The loss of blood. The constant infections.

It explains everything.

I was born to a druggie and a jerk.

Then what am I?

"Really?" Randy's face enlightens. "About us?"

"My mother." I say, and my voice's so dull that Randy and Cody just know it's nothing good as their eyes soften.

"What's it about?" Cody suddenly asks.

"Seven years old, opened her drawer, drugs…" I try to summarize as they piece together my words and their eyes turn sorrowful. "Explains everything. The Hep C, the excessive anorexia, the blood loss when I was born…"

"Blood loss?" Randy repeats.

I nod my head. "Apparently, I was born wrong."

"Don't say that, Ted," Cody says the words before Randy can and I can only shoot him a smile that feels like it means nothing and I look down at the floor, having Randy's hand on my shoulder.

"You sure it was a memory?"

I nod my head, feeling my vision blur from unshed tears.

Randy hugs me, I hold onto him, as he rubs my back as I let it all sink in again but I don't think it can.

Is there a cure for being horrified for the rest of your life?

Is there a cure for heartbreak and desolation?

I don't feel like there is.

I think I know that there isn't.

I have pieces of my past being pushed right in front of me, pieces and pieces, all together, sewed and they're just cutting me.

"I'm sorry you had to remember that, Ted."

"I don't want to go to sleep anymore, Randy! I swear, this happens every time I sleep! Horrible, horrible stuff," I stand up and instantly have Cody balancing me. "I can't even walk!"

It's weird.

If I want to run off.

I have Cody or Randy to it with me.

And the funny thing is even with them, holding onto me, making sure I don't get hurt, I still feel so very alone.

They just don't understand what I'm going through.

They don't know the pain I feel.

The thoughts I've had in my head.

They can't relate to me.

Cody puts me down onto the bed again and I play with the waistband of my jeans again—Cody's jeans—I can't even have my own clothes on me. Too loose. This is becoming too loose, too. I look up at Randy who stares down at me. "If you are going to sleep soon, let's at least take you to get you some new pants, how does that sound, Teddy?"

I nod my head. "Okay." I stand up so that Randy can balance me but he takes me by my waist and pulls me to him. "I don't need to be carried, Randy."

"It's faster this way," Randy says. "And you are getting thinner. God, Ted, my backpack is heavier than you are."

I push the comment aside as he looks at Cody. "Do you need to go anywhere—?" Cody sorrowfully nods his head.

"John Cena, remember?"

"Oh yeah. The match… yeah, you should go ahead." He says and so we're all alone, and he takes in one his backpack, throwing it on his shoulder, and balancing me in one arm is seemingly easy for him. "You now weigh like a teddy bear."

I shrug my shoulders. "I don't feel that different."

"Liar."

"I still feel fat, Randy."

"That's anorexia," he says, sighing and his breath's so close to my ear that it makes my heart jump start.

People are staring.

I don't want them to stare.

It just makes me feel judged.

Too much.

I bury my face into Randy's chest, holding onto his t-shirt, clutching onto him as if he's the last bit of hope in my world because he really is. He really is the only thing that makes me hope. He really is the only thing that makes me feel like being alive is the best thing that happened to me.

"Why did Cody go?"

"He had business to take care of."

"With John Cena?"

Randy nods his head. "Yes."

"I'm interested," I say but it's only a distraction from their stares.

"Making sure we know Cena's strategy so that I don't lose my title. Cody's supposed to look into that." Randy explains. "I am not losing my belt to him."

That's one thing about Randy.

He will do anything to protect that belt of his. He loves it. It gives him a good name. It makes him feel stronger.

If I had a championship belt, will I feel stronger?

My head suddenly realizes. Cody and I had been tag team partners for such a long time and now that we can't…am I holding him back? Do I need to get back on my feet? I need to, don't I?

But Randy's eyes tell me to concentrate on just healing. He'd said that to me a few times in my ear, too, to get across the thought but it's not there yet. I feel like I'm holding Cody back. I'm holding Legacy back. Instead of training around, he's talking me to buy jeans because I can't do it myself!

My heart thuds in my chest at the realization and I look up at him, so at a loss of where my thoughts are heading to… I grip tighter onto his t-shirt, clinging to him and he brings me closer, thinking that I'm going to fall out of his arms or something. He places me down so that I can try to use my feet for once as I look for a pair of jeans in whatever shop that Randy had taken me too.

I look around.

There are pairs of two many sizes.

Randy places me towards the chair and looks around for a pair of jeans for me. He knows my tastes. He knows what type of shade I like and hate. He knows that I don't like a million designs on them like the Miz's ring attire. He pulls out faded denim jeans and looks at me. "I think this will do." He says, and there's a swig of hope in his voice as he holds onto my waist and pulls me to him so that our bodies mash together. We receive stares as he takes me to the dressing room and shuts the stall.

It still makes me feel a bang of horror whenever I have to dress up with his eyes staring at me. Though I want to show him. I really do. He can take it, can he? And I'm scared of him taking advantage. I want to push the thoughts away but they always find their way back to my head.

I hold onto Randy's shoulders as he leans down to strip me out of my jeans and my body's so rigid and cold as I realize that this is scary. That my heart's thudding so loud in my chest that I can hear it through my ears. And as he chuckles under his breath, he lays me down onto the chair beside me. Taking the jeans and slipping it in my hands, I look at it. I like it. It's cute.

I hold onto Randy's shoulders as he helps me zip them up and I look in the mirror while Randy holds on my waist.

"How are they? Too big?"

I shake my head. "Fine…"

His eyes widen. "Becky wears pants like these."

Becky…his sister? I look down at them. And feel my face go red with humiliation. Pants like these? Girl's pants? I feel my stomach flop as I tell him to help me take it off, and he says that we're buying it anyways.

I hold onto the door handle, making sure that the door's completely locked this time as I feel myself trip and his hand slide into my pants. I hold the knob in fear, shaking and feel him take off his hand, horrified. "I'm sorry…" he says, holding onto my shoulder as I sit down to wear my pants, having him pull it up and zip it up.

I feel so humiliated.

So scared.

It's crazy.

Everything's just turned upside down and Randy's my enemy instead of friend. It feels that way.

As we go back to the hotel, we see that Cody's already there and playing Resident Evil 4…5? I don't know. Randy settles me down onto bed and walks over to Cody, taking a joystick and joining him. "Ted, you going to go to sleep? Should we lower the noise?"

I shake my head. It's okay this way.

I find myself zoning out.

I'm in another world.

Red.

Heart.

Bleeding.

The ring.

I bite my lips.

And then I feel myself shake.

Red.

Blood.

Seeping.

My head's all messed up.

Red.

Dull ruby.

Darkened.

Screams.

Blood pours.

"Please!"

I see her face.

Melanie.

My mother, Melanie.

The ring.

Trickled.

Blood.

From her face.

In my hand, a butcher's knife.

I don't know what I'm doing.

Revenge.

Horrifying revenge.

Blood.

Leaked from her eyes.

Slashed.

Dead.

I flutter my eyes open. I didn't even notice that I had fallen asleep but even as my head registers where I am and that Randy's holding me. It also register what I've been dreaming about—killing my mother.

Revenge.

That includes.

Blood.

That leaked from her eyes.

That trickled down her face.

My heart thudded with horror.

I didn't know what else to say but have my mouth stay hung open and memories of horror over wash me.

This is just too real.

Too much.

I knew that was a dream.

Because she was still alive.

She was. I know that.

But it's the feelings, the emotions, and the thoughts in my head…

They all deserve to die.

It scares me.

"Ted?" Randy asks, looking deep into my eyes as I stare into his. But all I see is blood…lots and lots of blood…running from his eyes…

Hallucination.

I scream.

Screams.

Blood.

Trickled.

Dripped…

Oh God…

Too much.

Rain.

Blood.

It's all mixed together.

All in my head.

But it's so real in front of my eyes. Cody looks from behind his shoulder, dripping blood from his face…

Another scream.

I'm sure that scream belonged to me.

Who needs to pay for memories.

Darkness…
November, 24, 2009
More

Pieces of my memories.

Stained. Collided.

Together.

My mother's a druggie.

My father's always out of the house.

And thoughts.

Thoughts broken off.

Suicide.

Love.

Redemption.

Angels.

Demons.

All seeping through eighteen years of horror.

Then there's university.

Getting separated from my friends.

But that's not really it.

I've always been alone.

Even with them around.

They just don't know it.

It's the feeling of emptiness that makes me feel this way.

Just flows through my veins, baby.

__

So…have we gone to a big part of Ted's treatment? Not yet but we're getting there!

Deeper issues in the next chapter.

Such as…

Ted: This is Alanna?
Randy: Yes. You like her? Do you want to hold her?

You can guess what I might do there.

Most of it is about Ted's mother/father and Randy's relationship with his wife. Lots of Ted/Cody bondage hopefully. And…that's about it. I think.

Review?

;) Sam