An update for you guys! I hope it's good.
Ted: ... this is seriously sad.
When is it not?
Chapter 18
Murderous Medicine
I can't remember anything
December, 30, 2009
Will
Sometimes, you're lost in the middle of the road and you just wonder which way you should and God, I've always chosen the wrong way of two roads, haven't I? Oh, Ted, you don't know how to choose the way out, do you?
I'm trapped inside of here and Randy's trapped too even if he doesn't deserve to be in this much pain. I've made him throw away his life, his everything, just so he can try and make me happy even if nothing can make me happy and that's just making me feel empty with guilt throbbing through my head at the thought of him breaking all because of my selfish need. I need him. I truly do. Why'd he have to know that I did need him? He can't change how I feel. He can't change the guilt that'll always reside in my body because of what I did. Because of how I hurt him.
I'm trapped inside of here and Randy's trapped inside of me and he just wants to figure me out but he doesn't know that it's all so simple. I'm a broken boy and I've always been one and everyone knows that if you pick up pieces of glass, you risk getting cut too, that's what I did. I cut him. I cut him into pieces too until we're both empty with nothing. I can't handle the fact. I can't think of it that way. I'd do anything to make this stop.
I'd still wake up and be bleeding from my head or between my legs or down my back and Randy can't stop it from happening and sometimes, he'd just watch me sleep and shake me awake whenever he'd see me bleeding and I'm so tired of having him take care of me because I've ruined his life and he doesn't deserve this at all and why does he still keep up with me?
I'm now into Randy's arms who's falling asleep and his soft breath falls from his perfect soft lips and I let my hands wrap around his neck as I run my hand through his neck, seeing his hands hold onto my waist as his body presses against the black ground of my mind and he's the most peaceful thing in the world, the sweetest, most peaceful thing in the world. I feel his body tense as his eyes flutter open and his hand runs through my hair, "oh, Teddy…" his voice's so soft as he kisses my mouth, soft and sweetly and then pulls back when he realizes that but I hold onto his shoulders and shake my head.
"No, kiss me," I urge him and I have his mouth press against mine again as we embrace and kiss, a real kiss, and I don't care about where we are or how we are and as he grips onto my body as he kisses my forehead, and my face. "I'm yours," I whisper into his ear and he grips harder onto my body and nods his head.
"You're mine," he presses his forehead to mine and my heart thuds fast. "Don't do this to yourself, Teddybear. I can't bare watching you hurt yourself."
"I don't-don't know how to stop," I bite my lower lip, feeling myself shake, and feeling his hot breath on my face, 'I don't know how to stop, Randy. I swear. My thoughts are always the same. I can't change them."
"Why? Why do you hurt yourself? You know you don't deserve this," Randy says and his voice's so soft, so sweet that my heart thuds even harder. It's like I'm in a dream. He can't be here, can he? It all feels like a dream except for his touch—his touch, his kiss, his love—it's all so real. "You don't deserve this, Ted."
"I do! I do! I deserve it…"
His hand glides to my cheek, feeling the cold flesh of him press against my hotter flesh, and my eyes are staring into his eyes. I know he doesn't believe it but I do. It's the only thing that I do believe. That I deserve the pain that's burning inside of me. I deserve the pain that's horribly throbbing through my heart.
"I…"
My voice's soft as I collapse into his arms. Falling asleep. "Oh, Ted…" his voice's breaking harshly. "Ted…"
I'm such a mess, baby.
The sunshine's blinding
December, 31, 2009
Make
I don't want to think about him but I always end up thinking about him. I always end up thinking about his beautiful body, about his perfect teeth and his glistening blue eyes that hypnotize me and I know that I'm awake when I'm in pain and I know that I'm asleep when I'm in his arms but I don't know why I feel this way and I know that the pain just makes me feel real and I want to be real…after all, how can you love anything dead? How can he love me? I just don't understand anything. He's so perfect and I'm too broken. He's too perfect and I'm too shattered. How can he love anything that's dead? So dead, so very dead, baby…
The darkness is horrid.
Anger just blazes into
December, 32, 2009
Sense
I'm angry. I'm so very angry at myself for thinking about Randy, for thinking that I may deserve him because I don't and I know I don't and I know that he doesn't deserve to be in pain for my stupid mistake and I know that he doesn't deserve to be in agony for my horrible mistake and he doesn't deserve to be in desolation for my dark mistake and my anger's turned into a fire inside of me and-and-"Ted! Please, wake up! You're-you're bleeding!"
And -and-I'm burning into the fire inside of my body and there's nothing left inside of my body and I'm so very empty all over again and-and-
"TED!" I feel him shake me and shake me and shake me.
A fire.
Cold fire
December, 33, 2009
When
Randy runs his hand through my chest, pressing my body towards his and tears are running down his eyes and my heart's breaking and bleeding and I just can't understand how he can love me and I know that he just feels sad for me and that's the only reason he's in love with me but a part of me just believes that twinkle in his eyes—a part of me just gives in and believes that he's in love with me as the fire inside of me turns to ice and I feel like solid blood's in my body.
Randy kisses my forehead and tells me that I look perfect. I only stare into those eyes and shake my head, "Randy, you need to eat."
He laughs, "Teddy, I've been telling you that forever."
We'll die without food and languish without it and my throat's so dry and I'm finally hungry but this time we can't eat because my mind's resistant of food and we're going to die without food as Randy takes my shirt and fixes it and I hold onto my wrists and I bore into those eyes of his, those perfect eyes of his, 'touch me."
"Ted, please, you had an image of me raping you. I won't hurt you." Randy tells me and I shake my head and look down at my feet and he lifts my head and I shake my head, letting the tears burn and spill from my eyes and God, I feel the fire burn inside of my body and it's igniting so hard that I feel like I'm no skin and no blood.
"You think I'm ugly, don't you?" the tears are harder, are burning through my skin so hard that it sinks inside of my skin and he wipes my tears away but they just keep falling and my heart's bleeding and breaking and breaking so very hard and bleeding so harsh that I can't take it.
"No!" Randy grips onto my shoulder and I shake my head and Randy softly runs my hand through my cheek and my heart's beating softly into my chest and he kisses me, trying to convince me otherwise. "Theodore, you're beautiful. I swear you are. I just don't want to hurt you if I do anything with you."
"Randy…"
"Theodore," his voice's thick with pain. "Stop thinking this way. You're beautiful. You're mine. You're Ted…I love you…"
Ice cold.
Darkness just breaks me
December, 34, 2009
I
He's asleep and I'm still in his arms and there's nothing for us anymore and we're both starving and we're both unable to breathe in this stupid space of my head and-and-why is he here? I've always wondered why he has to suffer and I just wait for me to collapse because I now know that I look like a skeleton and I'm not eating and there's nothing left in me at all as I try to think up some food but my mind's screaming and screaming and I want that stupid voice to go away because I want to fix it all for Randy. Fix it all…for Randy.
Into nothing.
How can you love me
December, 35, 2009
Get
I feel so very horrible and I finally got some food into this realm, waking up Randy to the scent of—I don't know what it really smells like—but Randy eats anyways and he offers every two bites but I just shake my head and as I look out into the vast blackness, I feel a hand on my shoulder and he puts a piece of meat inside of my mouth and I just freeze—this all reminds me of Richards—and as he shakes me, "Ted? Ted?"
I look at him and my heart is broken and all I want to do is break and burn. "Ted?!"
"I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm-"I stutter and look into those eyes of his, 'I'm-I'm-Richards used to shove food down my…throat…"
"Oh," realization hits Randy as he shakes his head. "I'm sorry…it's just that I don't want you to die just because of anorexia. No. I'm sorry, Theodore. Can you make any more food for yourself?"
I look down at the floor and shake my head. "I deserve to die."
He holds onto my shoulders and presses me towards me, and I feel his tears burn down towards my eyes and it's scaring the hell out of me because I've made Randy cry most of the time now, just because of my reluctance to get better, just because I know that I don't deserve to be better at all and as he runs my hand down my back, 'oh, Theodore, I love you. I don't want you to get hurt, you know that. But you need to eat. I can't stand thinking that you might die because of this. I can't stand thinking that I might've saved you."
"No one can save me…"
When I can't love anyone?
I want to die
December, 26, 2009
better.
Will this all make sense when I get better? Will I ever feel any better? I'm in his arms and I know that he loves me though everything's still broken and I've always been broken and I don't know how to fix myself or fix him and everything's just so confusing and I want him…I want Randy to fix this all…I want the pain to go away. It hurts so very much. Randy was my medicine, he fixed me and the same time, he burned me. He cured me and he hurt me. I-I don't want to be hurt even more. Randy, make the pain go away…please…
Because I don't deserve to live.
Review??
;) Sam
