I don't know what to say about this chapter. I sorta like it. Part of it makes sense but another part just doesn't. Just like all my works. :P Look for an update on Room 409!
Chapter 24
Lifelessly Lost
I'm so lost inside of myself
January, 1, 2009
I bleed
The bloodied cuts turn into deep scars that horrify me whenever I look into the mirror and Randy finds it hard to look into my face knowing that there are those horrible scars stirring into my face and I want it to be normal, seeing my broken face in the mirror and anyone that looks at me has pity just drawn to their faces but I don't need their pity. I need to be treated right. I feel like no one's treating me right just because my face looks scratching off and no one knows how it feels to be so broken on the inside and Cody stays around the hospital even more right now, carelessly buying me my nutty Galaxy bars, colorful blankets and pillows and movies that our parents had walked and we'd snuggle into each other and cry and he'd wonder how the years had gone and how much we've changed and about deception and misunderstandings and nothing really makes sense anymore as our tears finally dry and we're finally asleep and the way I hold him, feel him underneath me, he's like my little brother—I hate watching him break under pressure like this and I'd do anything to fix him. Knowing that I'm causing him so much pain makes me feel horrible. He falls asleep every night thinking that I'd die the next day. I do, too.
The way my face is cluttered and tattered makes Randy never leave, he'd stay and watch me as he attempts to make me eat but I don't eat and I don't say anything even when he shoves the food down my throat like he always does and when the voices are screaming in my head, I try shuffling them out by pressing my head towards Randy's chest and he doesn't say another word but I could tell that he's disgusted by my scars and everyone is and I'll never be normal again, will I? I'll never ever be normal again and it's so horrible to think about how Cody and Randy are, perfect bodies, perfect mind, perfect heart, while I rot in my own prison cell and when Randy leans down to kiss me, capturing my lips into a kiss and it hurts knowing that Randy finds it hard to kiss me as he stares up at my imperfect, oh so imperfect face.
"Teddy, please, talk to me."
No words coming out of my mouth as Randy lets his hand run down my hair as I look away from his face and he presses his hand against my shoulder, pressing me to him. "Tell me you love me. You do love me, don't you?"
I look up at him as I nod my head, he shakes his head. "Tell me you love me." He bites back his lip, tears welling up in his eyes because he thinks that I don't and I shake my head. It's just that when you don't talk anymore, you forget and I forgot how to speak…I forgot how to speak oh so completely and no one really understands what I'm going through. Not even Randy. I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out and I place my head back towards his chest, him staring at him confused and I am too. Why can't I speak even if I try? My mind's fooled into thinking that I can't and I feel like I can't.
Randy, I'm so sorry.
"Teddybear, why?"
Why doesn't anyone understand the pain that's overtaking me? Why doesn't Randy of all people understand this? We're all too messed up in this world. I'm still not talking and I'm still a self-harming idiot and he's still doing cocaine. We're all too messed up in my head. No way to escape ourselves. It's horrible to see and horrid to feel as well. I can't really understand why I feel the way I do. Why he feels the way he does. It's just always been that way. Two pieces of a puzzle that doesn't really fit and we try so hard to make them fit but they won't and we just don't accept this, do we?
I don't understand anything I say anymore.
Am I truly losing my head?
I know that I'm lost.
When we're finally checked out of the hospital, walking beside each other, a glint of light into Randy's eyes and a plastic, painted smile on Cody's face, me in the middle, we know one thing that's in front of us…
We're lost.
And we don't know how to find ourselves.
So we just live in this crazy world because we don't know where ours went. We don't know when it broke and when we lost ourselves. It just happened and when we finally do realize what's missing, we pretend we don't care just so the pain would go away. Nothing can make the pain go away anymore so we ignore it like I ignore the voices in my head and we snuggle up to each other and pretend that we aren't all looped into a mess that we can't get out in because pretending is the only way we know how to live right now.
Lifelessly lost in our own mess.
How can I get out?
A new year…why does it still all feel the same?
no resolutions…nothing really
just a handful of hope that crushes itself.
Hope for an update! Review??
;) Sam
