Jeffy: I've been weading…I'm scawed.
Don't read Jeffy. Angst isn't good for you. Anyways, here's the long awaited chapter (hopefully long awaited) of Alone. I've been reading tons of Mary Sue fics so…my brain's sorta out of it.
Chapter 26
Nostalgic Nightmares
I miss home
January, 3rd, 2009
I breathe no…
I miss what I've used to be.
I miss the home that's always welcomed me, with warm covers and sweet eyes and lovely lives and perfect dreams. I miss the home that's always been part of my messed up childhood…I miss the home that I've grown up in. I miss being in my father's arms and I miss having not a single care in the world and I want my mother back but I can't have anything anymore, can I?
There is no home anymore.
The house that I've grown up in has changed.
Instead of perfect frosty blue walls in my room, instead of calmness and ocean and welcome in the walls of my room, there's chipped blue paint that can't hide the hideousness behind anymore and when I know that's me…my skin can't hide the darkness that's burning up inside of me anymore. My skin has become part of the darkness that's swallowed me whole and—why can't I get out?
Why am I trapped into this mess?
Why…?
I've had nightmares.
I've never told Randy or Cody and they've really tried to make everything better. They'd rent movies I've seen with them before, they've recreated so many memories so that I can feel happy but—it's just not there. Even when I try to be happy, even when I fake happy, it's just not there. Maybe I'm not meant to be happy anymore. Maybe I'm not meant to be loved anymore.
Cody…Cody's been barely sleeping and just seeing him cry himself to sleep just hurts me. His perfect turquoise eyes would fill up with tears and I won't be there to wipe them because he doesn't want me to move from my bed and seeing him, bury that tearstained face in his pillow and just wish it all away…it hurts. It hurts. It hurts to watch. I can't take it anymore.
Randy…I can't bear watching Randy anymore. He wears his pain like a perfume of bitterness and he tastes like a mixture of sweet apple and bitter cocaine and I'm burning at just the taste of one kiss, how does Randy feel? He's burning into my mess and I can't pull him out because I can't pull myself out. Randy doesn't deserve any of this. Neither does Cody. None of them do.
The nightmares I have.
They're throwing away their careers for me.
I rarely see them telling me that they're going to go wrestle and any match that they've been in this past two weeks, they've lost only because of tiredness and lack of workouts and I'm the one who did that to them. I'm the one who's made them as weak as puppets in the ring. I'm the one who's made this happen and I can't fix it…I can't fix it because I don't know how to fix it.
They'd come home with sweat and bruises and pain and the first thing on their mind is: is Ted fine?
I've become their life now.
I don't want to.
They shouldn't throw away their lives for mine.
The nightmares I have.
Consist of them, both of them, flashes of what would happen to them two years later, or maybe even twenty years later, their future thrown away for me and they're both still young men, they shouldn't take care of me…I'm not their charity case of the year. I can't let them do this to themselves.
I'd walk around the room and I'd try to eat for their sake. I'd try to pretend that the voices aren't screaming.
I'd do anything if they'd just say that they're going out for a while and they'll be back soon. They need to live their life. They need to forget about me. They need to move on. Look at the damage I've done now and I can only imagine what I might do later. Cody, my sweet, lovable Cody, is breaking into pieces because he's trying to pick up mine and Randy, my love, my life, my heart, is on drugs just because of me.
I can't let them do this.
I don't deserve to live.
I have a knife in my hand, and I'm leaning down towards the drawer and my breath's in my throat and I don't think I can breathe and I know that this is the way that's supposed to be. I don't want those nightmares to be real.
They'll move on. They'll move on. They'll move no.
I take the knife to my wrist and take a deep breath, hearing my heart bang loudly, feeling sweat falling from my hair, and trying to breathe even if I can't and without letting the knife glide, I feel the sharpness and I know that this can be the best thing that's ever happened to me or the worst but I let it slide and I watch the blood flow and oh, I deserve it. It's release. It's a way to cope.
It's a way of life.
And it's going to kill me.
I want to be home. I want to be where I belong. In Hell. Where I'll burn until there's nothing left of me.
Another glide to the wrist.
The burning feeling in my heart…
The pain that's overwhelmed me. I deserve it.
Cody.
This one's for Cody.
And the next one's for Randy.
Their cuts, their thrown away future, their scars, on my wrists, so the entire world can know that I'm scarred…that I've scarred them—I know—they can't stop me—I—I—
I deserve to bleed…
Uh oh.
This is not going to be pretty.
Let's just hope that Ted doesn't die during this. There is potential but I don't think I'm that cruel. Am I?
Jeffy: *Tears* no! WHY?!
*Shoves Jeffy away* Any thoughts? Will Randy save Ted or will Ted go all the way and kill himself? Or is it going to stay as a cutting obsession?
Review??
;) Sam
