Okay, some strong reactions to the last chapter as expected. I especially appreciate Fearsome Foursome's honest review (really!)- I didn't take the criticism personally. I think in dealing with subjects like this there are going to be lots of emotions and sometimes that doesn't bring out the best in characters. As readers (and writers) we're bound to react and for me that doesn't mean that we always have to like a character, or like everything they do. I hope, though, that as things settle down for Cal & Gillian Cal will start to redeem himself in the eyes of those of you who think he's been insensitive. Also, I know what Cal did is wrong, and Cal the character knows it. I don't condone his behaviour, but that's how the story came out and frankly I don't think he needs to be perfect. Everybody makes bad choices sometimes... Anyway, this one's probably not going to go over too well with some of you, but at least we're making progress. Two things- I didn't intend to wait this long to post, my literature review was due and it's been kicking my butt. Also, FULL CREDIT TO who wrote the last line of the chapter and gave it its name when my brain was too scrambled from uni work to come up with one. Don't forget to hit that review button!

Gill didn't think she'd ever been so stunned in all her life. Cal noticed surprise on her face first, then watched it slowly change as she thought it over. First she was angry (he should have talked to her about it!), then her face appeared to relax as she realised he wasn't sick. That didn't last long, though, before there was a look of realisation on her face, and her expression changed to despair. "Honey, no," she said softly, holding one of his hands in both of hers.

"Why not?" Cal asked. "You hate that I use condoms, and it's pointless you going on the pill when it's not a temporary solution you want. You said no kids, and this is a way we can ensure that without me having to use protection. I know you hate that and it's been going on for far too long." She'd told him before she hated condoms because they were a barrier between them, and Cal had to admit he agreed, even if he didn't feel as strongly about it as Gill did. "The procedure's next Thursday. I've been looking into it for a long time and I think it's the right thing for us. It's fairly routine, and I'll just be a bit sore for a while, then we won't have to worry about you getting pregnant anymore."

"Please don't," Gill requested hopefully.

"Why not?" Cal asked calmly. He hoped Gill had reached the realisation he was anticipating. He'd just needed to give her a serious shove in the right direction. Of course, if she really didn't realise now that she wanted children Cal was going to go ahead with the procedure. He respected her right to say she couldn't deal with it, and he was happy to be the one who underwent surgery so that they'd have a more practical and permanent method of birth control.

"I asked you not to," Gill told him, becoming more worked up. "We should have talked about this together. It's not just your decision."

"Gill, we can't keep going on like this," he told her. "The procedure's already booked and I've cleared my calendar of work commitments. You haven't given me one good reason why I shouldn't go ahead with it. I'm having the vasectomy next Thursday."

Gill's emotions came to the surface quickly then, and she reacted. "I don't want you to not be able to make babies with me!" she cried, bursting into tears and wrapping her arms tightly around Cal, holding onto him desperately. "Please," she begged. "I promise I'll try."

Cal felt like a grade-A bastard, but he knew he'd gotten results. It was a pity that in manipulating Gill he'd made his victory feel so hollow. In his lengthiest attempt yet, he'd chalked up another win with the Cal Lightman long con. Months of careful planning had paid off. He'd planted the seed and watched it grown. Gill had been wondering what he was up to, and by waiting for her to confront him and demand an answer Gill had known he was 100% serious about it, rather than thinking he was just saying it to get a reaction. Finally, when faced with the possibility of never being able to do so, Gill had put her fears aside and finally admitted she wanted to try to have a baby with him. He'd won, but he still felt like he'd lost. He knew manipulating her was wrong, even if it was for what he saw as 'the greater good'. He swallowed his guilt- he'd made a decision he shouldn't have, manipulating his own wife, and he'd have to live with that now. No feeling sorry for himself.

"Hey, it's alright, love," Cal said soothingly, wrapping his arms around his wife protectively. "Come on, don't cry. I'm not pushing you to start a family, I'm trying to do the right thing by you, even if I'm not overly happy about someone messing around down near the boys, if you know what I mean."

"No, Cal, please," Gill insisted. "I do want to have a family with you, I'm just scared."

"I know you are," Cal sympathised, rubbing her back soothingly. "I'm scared too. I don't want to go through that again either, but I want this enough that I'm willing to risk it. The feeling I get when I see Emily is worth risking the pain of losing another child. I know I get frustrated with you about this and I might come off as unsympathetic sometimes but honestly, I'm not. I just want to see you happy and I really believe that the way to get you there is for you... no... us... to have a child together."

Gill sat back a little, sniffing and wiping at her eyes. "What are you talking about, Cal?" she asked him. Had her husband finally lost it? They'd never been pregnant as a couple, and Sophie was very much hers and Alec's.

"My little boy," Cal said quietly, swallowing hard. He wasn't going to cry in front of Gill. "Zoe and I. We... ah, he... she went into labour months too early and the doctors couldn't stop it. He died the next day... It was, ah... when we said she had her appendix out," he told Gill, not quite able to say it articulately. He hadn't ever told anyone before. "We tried for another baby for ages after, but I don't think she could handle it." He paused and scratched his head a little. "I never found any evidence but I'm sure she started taking the pill again without telling me so she wouldn't have to risk losing another one. I never had the heart to call her on it, I knew what she was going through and I couldn't blame her.... I was bloody gutted myself."

"Oh, Cal," Gillian said softly and sympathetically. "I had no idea. Why didn't you ever say anything?" She'd accused him countless times of being insensitive and not knowing what it was like, when all along he'd understood, he'd just had a strange way of dealing with it.

"I didn't want to upset you," Cal told her honestly, reaching out to play with Gill's hair. "When it came up we always ended up talking about Sophie and the problems you'd had in the past. You needed me to be strong for you, not prattle on about my stuff."

"Honey, I don't want you to hide your feelings from me. Not ever," Gill said, resting her forehead against Cal's.

"It wasn't appropriate to talk about them then," Cal argued. "You needed me. I promised you I'd support you through whatever happens and I meant it. I still mean it. If you really want this I'll be by your side every step of the way. No shutting you out." He refused to be like Alec. If they had a problem they'd deal with it together.

"I do really want this," Gill assured Cal, nodding. "I just... Promise you won't leave me if it doesn't work?" she requested, her voice as timid as Cal had ever heard it.

"Oh, Gill... Nothing would ever make me leave you, darling," he replied gently, leaning in to kiss her lips softly.

Gill took comfort in that, and she believed every word he said. "I'll make an appointment with my gynaecologist for next week," she decided, wiping at her eyes. She couldn't believe she was actually agreeing to do this.

"Do you want me to come with you?" Cal offered, running his hand up and down Gill's arm gently. He could see she was scared.

Gill nodded and smiled, wiping away the last of her tears. "Yes please," she requested, returning Cal's kiss from earlier. "She'll probably do an examination and then talk about what we can do to increase my chances of conceiving." She'd been through it with Alec, although he'd resisted any form of help before they'd given it a proper chance. It seemed funny that the drug addict who was happy to abuse chemical substances refused to let his wife take medication that might help her fall pregnant.

"Your gyno's a woman?" Cal asked, surprised.

Gill nodded. "I don't feel comfortable letting another man down there," she informed him. Yes, it would be innocent enough, but Gill just preferred for her husband to be the only man who was looking at her or touching her down there. Cal couldn't say he felt differently.

"Fair enough," Cal agreed, his eyes wandering over Gill's face.

"You knew I'd react like this when you told me, didn't you?" Gill called him on it.

Cal nodded but didn't speak.

"Did you have any intention of going through with it?" She honestly had needed a push in the right direction, and even if Cal had done the wrong thing, she was glad she'd reached the decision. What she couldn't handle, though, was if he'd done it with no intention of going through with the procedure. That would be truly manipulative.

Cal nodded again. "Yes. The appointment's all set. I've read the literature, weighed up the pros and cons. I honestly think that if you really don't want children this is the best option for us."

"I do, I just.... I need more time."

Cal nods slowly, kissing Gill's forehead. "Alright, love. We'll take as long as you need. And if you want or need to talk to me, or to someone else about it... like a professional, we can arrange that, okay? All I want is for you to be happy."

Gill nods slowly. "I've accepted it, it just hurts still."

"I know it does," Cal whispers, holding Gill close.

"Cal, you know that if I ever find out that you had no intention of going ahead with that surgery you're in more trouble than you could possibly imagine, right?" Gill asks. Cal nods his response. "Alright, as long as we're on the same page," she tells him.

"God you're beautiful," Cal said after a few minutes, almost as if he'd never noticed before.

Gill's cheeks flushed lightly. "Beautiful enough to make love to?" she asked softly. She knew she wouldn't fall pregnant first go- this was going to be a long, hard road- but she wanted to be with Cal now, and feel close to him.

Cal nodded. "Over and over again. You're the most beautiful woman I've ever met," he said, leaning in to kiss Gill tenderly.

"No more barriers between us?" she asked, her lips barely leaving Cal's to speak.

Cal smiled. Trust Gill. "No more barriers," he agreed. "Just you and me, love, making each other feel good. What do you say?"

Gill smiled softly, pressing her lips firmer to Cal's, intending to heed to his sensual words.