Enjoy this chappie, everyone! It took long...and I don't know why but it's finally here! Yay!
Chapter 28
Hearing Horror
Horror still replays in my head
it's never ending
January, 5th, 2009
I bleed
Randy and Cody won't let me out of their sight right now. Randy has me curled up in his arms, his hand running through my hair, down my neck and I barely have time to write but I still don't care. The feeling of me in his arms, the warmth that engulfs me all the time, I know I don't deserve it. I know I'll never deserve something so precious and I know that Randy isn't supposed to love me. I know that the world around me hates the pure thought of me. I know that the world around me needs me to be okay but I don't know how to be fine. I don't know how to be fine at all. I just want to be dead for all they care. They won't even care, would they?
Randy's arms drift away from me and he kisses my forehead and God, I haven't heard a word from them in a long time and I fear that it may be because of me. I curl up alone in my bed, and how I hate being alone right now. No one understands the pain that's lingering in my body and no one understands the agony that's never going to escape from the emptiness of my being but they still try and fix me while I'm afraid that they might fall into me. They had fallen into me and I don't want them to get hurt anymore just because I can't take care of myself.
They shouldn't suffer just because I act like a child. They shouldn't suffer just because I want to die. They shouldn't suffer at all. Cody sits down onto the bed, staring at me with those sad eyes, he wipes away the tears before they fall and my breath is caught in my throat as he leans down beside me, wrapping his arms around me, his brother that always saved him when he was hurt and that's the way I always see him as. Just a brother. And when he's in pain, where he's crying, I don't know how to handle it. I don't know I can watch him break like this. I don't know why he suffers so much. "Cody?"
"Please, don't die."
"Oh, Cody," I rub his back, watching him press his head against my chest, shaking and shivering and I haven't seen him so scared before. His entire body pales, his eyes chip off their color, his hair's so dull that even I can't run my hand through it, so very brittle and his heart's bleeding to the core. I can't watch him like this. I can't watch the wholeness of him fade away into the nothingness of me. He sobs and seeing his eyes, oh how he's dying on the inside. I can't watch him like this.
I hold onto him until he finally drifts off to sleep and even then, the color in his flesh hasn't returned and he's still shaking and shivering and when he's finally peaceful, I just wonder how long he stays peaceful until he breaks as I let my fingers trace along his cold hairline and when I see a figure moving in the shadows, I don't have enough fear building in me as he leans down and I realize that it's Randy and his smile's so unsure and painful that it hurts me to look at his face. "Ted, I want to talk to you, baby."
I stand up and run a hand through Cody's hair one more time before I kiss his forehead and I walk outside with Randy to the balcony of the hotel room and since I haven't used my muscles in a long time, they were aching me, burning through every fiber of my being as I stare into the night sky outside and down where a million people are living their lives and the thick air around me is cold and suffocating and the look in Randy's eyes is making me suffer as he leans down and captures my lips into a chaste kiss. "Randy, you wanted to talk to me about something?"
Randy's eyes are holding back tears as he bites down his lower lip, "because don't kill yourself, Teddy. You've got too much to live for."
"I've got nothing to live for."
Randy's eyes seem even more broken when I say that and the tears finally spill from his eyes, this man standing before me had once punted me in the head and ordered me around like trash, but now, as I stare into his eyes, there's something just beneath all that control that he harbors, something so incredibly humane and now, I know why I've fallen in love with him, that sparkle that glints off his beautiful sad blue eyes make me the loneliness that burns inside of me slowly fade away.
"What about me?" his voice is so soft that I break on the inside.
"I don't deserve you."
Those are words of truth.
Looking into that beautiful color of Randy's eyes, I know I don't deserve to even look at them and I know that it hurts me to see him falling for something as pathetic and disgusting as I am. He deserves much more than just me and I know that and as I start to walk away, Randy speaks again, making me stop into my position. "I'm going back this Monday Night RAW."
"Cody and I…?"
"Cody, too. But I want you to stay here."
"…you don't think I can put up with another episode of RAW."
"You're in a critical condition, Teddy," Randy whispers and I stare into his eyes and I know that, in his eyes, there's sorrow and I don't know what happened and I think he doesn't know but our bodies embrace and my head rests on his shoulder and his whispers fill the air, "It's going to be okay, Teddy…"
The horrifying voices of my head are screaming.
You don't deserve this, you bitch!
You're just a prostitute…he'll commit and you won't…
You'll break his heart.
You shouldn't be with anyone as caring as he is…
But somehow, I can shun the horror as his warmth still lingers and he takes me back to my bed, and I slip into the covers and for a moment, he slips in right next to me, his hand wrapped around me, protection, sweet protection and right now, nothing matters but me and him and the rest of the world and the horrifying past of mine just fades away and his breath has no cocaine tonight…just me and him…
I just want it to stay that way.
I just want to know that I'm not alone and tonight, I feel like I believe that. That I'll never be alone.
But in the morning, I know I'll wake and roll over to my side and the emptiness will fill me and I'll be all alone once again…
I think I can ignore it now.
Okay, when I get to chapter 32, there's going to be something you least expect happening. Or something you expect happening. Please read and review until then! I hope I can make these chapters worth your time, guys!
X Sam.
