Hmm...the next chappie.
Chapter 29
Revealation Release
the shock still resides in my body
January, 6th, 2009
And I breathe
Shock resides through my body.
Have you ever felt completely and utterly dead only to wake up feeling more alive than ever before? I feel like I've been sleeping in this cold, black ditch that's been numbing my body and suddenly, any type of pain is too much for me. I feel so alive. As if my eyes have finally awoken from a ten million year sleep and I can finally breathe after so long. Have I been breathing all along? Every breath that falls out of my mouth, I count and the world around me, still gray, but still with hints of blue around the too gray of sky.
There's hope.
Hope for what?
I just can't understand. I can't understand at all.
I stay with both of them, Randy and Cody, but I can't help but feel as if I'm useless. I feel alive but not fixed. I've finally seen the damage I've been doing to myself. The cuts that are on me, the scars on my face, they're too real. I can finally see the pure purplish color of my scars and seeing it me feel like a battered child. I want to be as perfect as Randy and Cody. Bodies that have no scars and no cuts, just with completely and utterly flawless skin.
The shock's still there the next few days.
I'm so used to cutting my skin but it hurts too much, too damn much, that I just stop even if something inside of my body tells me that I deserve to sit through the pain. I deserve to feel myself break. Don't I?
I feel as if it's come to that.
Randy's always making sure that I eat when I'm supposed to and I've gained a few pounds and that's enough to make a smile appear on Randy's face. I love that smile. I envy that smile of his. It's so beautiful, so beautiful and dazzling and I can't help but stare into that smile, bore into every aspect of it. I want it. If you smile, it means that you're happy, right? I want to be happy.
Why am I banned from being happy?
I hate seeing Randy do cocaine most of the time.
He thinks I'm asleep but I'm not. The scent is so smothering that I can't ignore it.
Why am I like this?
Why can't I be happy...?
Please, make me happy, God.
I want to be happy.
I want to escape this pitch of blackness that I've fallen into...
Please....
I know it's not much of a chapter. But it's all I gots for now. Review??
X Sam.
