This is one of my twists. Hope you enjoy. Book One of Alone is coming to an end. And I have to start on Book Two soon. Yeah, I'm doing it in the same fic. :P Because I don't want to sequel this for some reason.


Chapter 30
Dying Displeasure

I've seen myself die on the inside
January, 7th, 2009
I breathe

Have you ever died inside?

The world's too black.

Too gray.

When you're dying.

But when you're dead, there are no colors. Everything you see is a dream and everything you do is surreal.

Today is one of the hardest days of my life.

I know what I'm going to say to Randy and that just makes the pain slam into my bleeding heart harder and as I wrap my hand around Randy's neck at night, no one in the world but us, but still, it's painful to look into those eyes, knowing how much he wants me. Knowing how much I want him.

I lick my too dry lips and kiss his and I know that that might be one of our last kisses and as our bodies collide, his warm embrace makes the coldness fade off into nothing and I don't know how I've fallen for him most of the time but now, I've seen the perfection of his face and his eyes and all of him and no one can be like this. No one can be as beautiful as him. No one can be as perfect as him.

That's why I'm doing this.

I know this will hurt him because it's hurting me now but it'll hurt him more if I suddenly die. It'll hurt him so much if I'm dead in his arms the next day. And I can't make him face that pain. I can't make those eyes fill with agony and as I move towards his lips, kissing them, tasting that bitter taste of cocaine I've hated so much and he knows how much pain I am when I kiss him. He knows that I'm still in pain because of my mother. Because of my mother's drug abuse, my childhood had been ruined.

And now, lying by Randy, smelling that familiar strong scent, it just hurts…

"Teddy, you wanted to talk to me?" There is a hint of concern in Randy's voice. And a bang of fear.

"Yes, Randy…"

"Ted? Are you scared or something?"

There has been fear in my voice.

Banging hard in my throat.

I know why there's this agony twisted in my aching throat and I can't do anything about it. It's because of what I'm going to say. How I'm going to break both of us in a single sentence.

"Randy, our relationship…it's over."

It hurts.

It hurts so much.

Randy's blue eyes pop wide and his flesh turns paler and I think his heart's just stopped because his breaths are too light and tears fall out of his eyes, "Teddy, don't do this to me…did I do anything? Is it my fault?"

"No, Randy. It's just—it's over."

It's harder to say the last time.

It's harder to watch when the tears are burning down his face and I try to lick them away but they don't stop falling and I can see from his eyes that he wants to stop crying but he can't.

"I understand, Teddy."

"You do?" I'm slightly shocked that he would understand what's going on in my head when I don't understand half my thoughts.

"Yes, I'm just not good enough."

"No, Randy, no!" That's the last thing in my head. I find it hard to believe that I'm worthy to even breathe in the same room as him and I'm going to die a lot sooner than he's going to die. He's got an entire life ahead of him, healthy long life, while I had my unhealthy short life and that's paining me.

It's killing me.

"Ted, just let me kiss you, this one last time…please?"

I nod my head and as soon as that, his lips capture into mine, the taste of him stronger than ever before and I bring him closer so that this kiss could be memorable but then his hand goes down to my jeans and I find myself unable to stop him as he takes off my pants and boxers and his finger is in my cock faster than ever before and he takes off his own pants, kissing my neck, and I know that I want to stop him but I don't. I don't want to stop him. I know this will remind me of that rape incident but I don't care anymore. I just want Randy to be happy this one time. I want him to stay happy.

With every thrust, a bang of pain arches in my spine and I'm too distant from this world to care if it hurts or if it doesn't and as our bodies press against each other, exposed, the stickiness of the sweat bonding us together, the breathlessness of the night, the world around me is unmoving…time's just stopped…

His breaths on my sweaty shoulder, and in the morning, I'll be gone…

I'm so sorry, Randy.

Now, I'm killing him, too.


Leaves me a review, please.

X Sam.