Chapter 31
Grateful Greeting

Randy...I'm sorry
January, 8th, 2009
I breathe-

Randy rolls to his side as he feels the empty sheets from underneath him as his eyes slowly flutter. "Teddy?" he whispers, looking around, searching for Ted's body but he can't find anything and he repeats his name. "Ted, where are you, baby?"

Silence.

No sound at all.

Randy grunts as he steps out of the bed, the scent of sweat and bitter honey around him, plunging him down as he walks around the room, searching the bathroom, the entire bedroom as he falls back on his bed, "No. No. No-"

Then he sees a hint of white peeking from the nightstand drawer and he reaches out for it, taking the white paper from the drawer and seeing the horrible words printed on the piece of paper.

Can a piece of paper break you?

Randy,

If you're reading this, then I'm probably gone by now. I'm sorry that I'm doing this but you have to understand, Randy that I do deserve to die. I try to ignore the voices, Ran, they're just so loud and they're telling me to end it all. I don't have anything left for me, Randy. I don't deserve you and I never will. My life's ruined from when it started. I don't even have real memories. I'm just that pathetic, Randy. Everything's all gone away. I don't know how to fix anything. Everything's all destroyed now and I'm supposed to be destroyed, too. I'm just a slut, Randy. Just another slut.

It'll all be over soon...

He didn't even sign it.

Randy's heart erupts.

His Ted didn't even know how to end his letter.

No.

He's not letting Ted do this. Not again.

No...


I had to run away.

Had to run out of this house, had to run out of this country and even at the airport, I know he's too close, he's too haunting and I couldn't have stayed around anymore. I'm just too much of a disgrace. I stop in the middle of the airport, just thinking because thinking is what might determine what'll happen to me. If I'm going to live or I'm going to die. Do I really want to do this?

I don't.

But I had to.

Randy would never understand how much I couldn't live without him. And now, that I'm away from him, I have to kill myself. I just have to end my life. I really do have nothing to live for right now. He'd move on. He'd move on. He'd move on.

It's just over between me and him. Over. All gone. Forever.

I walk outside of the airport. I couldn't do this. I couldn't run away from Randy. I can't- there's no one outside here where I stand. No one. Nothing at all. No life miles from where I stand and my heart's ready to pound out of my chest. I'm so confused. I'm so scared. I don't want to die and at the same time, I want nothing more than to just drop dead. I don't want to live and at the same time, I don't want to end my life. I need to see his face one more time. I just...why...? I-

I take a razor out of my bag and I stare at the dullness of the razor and close my eyes. No one will miss me, will they? I'm just a tool that everyone uses to fuck anyways. No one is going to miss me. No one is going to even look the other way if I die. Maybe Randy might be upset but he'll move on. Maybe Cody might cry at the funeral but he'll move on. Everyone will move on without me.

I've always been a corpse.

I take the razor towards my wrist, feeling the sharpness of the razor and I take another breath because I know it'll be my last...I'm going to greet the other side that won't want me, death will all its need, and I imagine Randy, I imagine Randy's face, so peaceful before I let the razor cut...

I'm so sorry, Randy.

Do you really think that Teddy's gonna end his life right now? Or will Randy save him? What do you think?

Like I said. Next chapter. Big twist. Or in my opinion it is.

X Sam.