Okay, so it's been a long time between chapters. I know. Blah- blah, writer's block, blah-blah uni work (didn't stop me from writing 'Compartmentalization'). Excuses don't get chapters published! Anyway, here we go. I can't guarantee when the next one will be up, I'm out of my back-logged ones and I have a statistics exam early next week.
Cal didn't know what to say when Gill came out of the bathroom. He'd sent Heidi, Loker and Torres an email each to let them know that neither he nor Gill would be in that day, claiming he was going to look after her as she still wasn't well from the day before. He glanced up at his wife, the blank facial expression he wore as a mask firmly in place. He didn't know how much she wanted him to know, or if she wanted to talk about it.
Gill smiled weakly, obviously exhausted. Her hair was wet, but she'd brushed it, and she was wearing a comfortable pair of cotton slacks and an old Duke University t-shirt that showed just a hint of skin between the bottom of the shirt and the top of her pants. She walked over to the bed then and crawled on next to Cal, laying down and wrapping her arms around him, praying that after the way she'd been acting he'd return the gesture. She needn't have worried, his arms found his way around her body and he pulled her to him protectively and suddenly everything felt like it was going to be alright. "Why did you call Alec?" she asked quietly. She wasn't upset with him, she was more curious than anything.
Cal inhaled deeply. Gill smelled like soap and conditioner. "I didn't know what else to do," he admitted. "Obviously there was more to it than what I was seeing. I thought he might have known what you were going through, and I guess he did."
"That must have been hard for you," Gill acknowledged. "I'm sorry I put you through that, and made you feel like it was your only option."
"It's alright, love," Cal assured her softly. "I wanted you to feel better, and if Alec was the only person who could get you there then I wasn't going to let my ego get in the way... I hope you don't mind, I emailed work and told them you still weren't feeling good and I was going to stay home to look after you. If you want your space I can stay downstairs."
Gill tightened her grip on Cal. "No. Don't you dare go anywhere," she told him just as softly, snuggling in even closer. "I don't need to be alone. I need my husband."
"I'm sorry I was such a bastard," Cal apologised. "It took me a long time to realise there was actually a problem and you weren't just being stubborn." He should have known better, should have looked closer. He must have missed something.
"Please don't apologise," Gill requested. "Not after the way I treated you. I just..."
Cal rested a finger lightly over Gill's lips. "We don't have to talk about it now," he whispered. "I do think we should find somewhere safer to keep your sweater, though. It obviously means a lot to you." He didn't say he knew why. Gill would tell him if and when she wanted to.
"That's probably a good idea," Gill agreed. She could hear Cal's heartbeat while her head was resting on his shoulder, and she found it soothing. "Where's Finn?" she asked.
"Downstairs, love. You weren't too keen on company last I checked." He wasn't accusing her or getting mad, just calmly stating a fact.
"He's probably dying for cuddles by now," Gill mused, guilt seeping in as she realised she'd neglected him, too.
"Should we go down and see?" Cal suggested. "You can do your thing with him for a while and I'll make you some eggs or something. You must be starving." He didn't want to ask if she'd taken her medication yesterday. It seemed inappropriate.
"I'm really not hungry," Gill insisted, earning a head shake from Cal.
"You've gotta eat, love. Just a couple of mouthful to start with. One scrambled egg. After that if you don't want any more I won't push, I promise."
"Okay," Gill agreed quietly, nodding her head and dragging herself away from Cal and off the bed. "I have to take my medication, too," she remembered. "Don't worry, I did it yesterday."
Cal stood and walked over so his hand was resting on Gill's lower back. "I'm not worried," he told her. "I know you'll do whatever's right for us, no matter what that is." It would have been stupid and wasteful for Gill to give up now, but if she'd felt she couldn't deal with it emotionally Cal would have understood and supported her until she felt she was ready to start again.
Gill linked her fingers with Cal's and held his hand as they walked downstairs. "I'll be right back," she promised, giving the hand she was holding a squeeze then walking off to bring Finn into the kitchen. He was getting big these days, and she couldn't help but smile when he jumped up on her excitedly, a habit she usually discouraged. "How's mummy's little boy?" she asked, bending down to fuss over him. "How's my handsome wittle boy? Did you miss your mummy? She's very sorry, baby," she continued to fuss over him, scratching behind his ears and then rubbing his stomach when he rolled over for it. "Where's Dada?" she prompted him. "Go find Dada." Finn ran into the kitchen, easily locating Cal, and sat down by his feet. When Gill entered the kitchen a few seconds later she showered him with praise.
Cal turned around to watch Gill then, smiling. "It's good to see you smile again, love," he told her. "Finn's good for us, you know. I'm glad you bought him."
"Me too," Gill agreed, straightening up and walking to the sink to wash her hands. "Cal, there's something I want to talk to you about," she told him, her tone quite serious. She didn't sound angry or sad, which Cal saw as a bonus. They could have a serious conversation without it being overly emotional.
"Alright, love," Cal replied, pulling a plate out of the cupboard then carefully putting Gill's breakfast on it- as promised, a single scrambled egg. He really hoped she'd eat more.
Gill took the plate and thanked her husband, sitting down at the kitchen table and waiting for him to join her before she spoke. "I think..." she looked down at her breakfast, pushing it around with her fork before picking up a small mouthful and eating it. "Maybe we should put our names down with some of those adoption agencies you looked into. The last few days have reminded me exactly how much losing Sophie hurt, but they also made me think back over the time I had with her, and I honestly don't think I'd ever felt so... complete. It probably sounds stupid to you, and I can't explain why, but I just feel like by not having a child there's part of me that's missing, and no matter how happy I am with you, nothing's ever going to fill that hole in me but another baby."
"I don't think that sounds stupid," Cal said gently, honestly surprised to hear Gill talking about adoption when she'd just spent a day and a half crying her eyes out over losing Sophie. Maybe she just needed that time to grieve- God knows she'd never really had that properly with Alec, he'd always forced her to keep it to herself. "Does it mean you want to stop the fertility treatments, though?"
Gill shook her head. "No. I still want to try this, but I want to keep our options open. I want to be a mother, regardless of who gives birth to the child we end up raising, and I think we should do whatever we can to make that happen."
Cal leant over the table and kissed Gill's forehead. "You're an incredible woman, Gillian Lightman," he told her. "You've already been an amazing role model and second mother to Emily. Our son or daughter's going to be exceptionally lucky to have you as their mother."
Gill smiled shyly, reaching out to rub Cal's arm affectionately. "Are you going to finish your breakfast, or am I going to have to get in some early practice at making choo-choo noises?" Cal asked her with a grin.
"I'm sorry, what?" Gill asked, an amused grin on her face.
Cal reached over and picked up her fork, loading it up with a small mouthful of eggs and then raising it up to about mouth-height. "Open up for the train." He moved it about a food away from Gill's mouth, then started making train noises as he moved it closer. "Chooga-chooga, chooga-chooga, chooga-chooga, chooga-chooga... Whoo! Whoo!"
Gill laughed, eating the eggs of the fork Cal was feeding her with. "Oh, God, that's fantastic," she said, tears in her eyes from how hard she was laughing. She'd never seen Cal like this before.
"Oh, that's just the beginning of my repertoire, love," he informed his wife with a broad grin. "I also do rocket ships, aeroplanes, race cars... a Toyota Prius"
Gill chuckled. "Okay, how's that one go?" she asked, opening her mouth and waiting for more food.
Cal grinned and picked up the fork, repeating the motion from before without the sound.
Gill ate the forkful of eggs, looking puzzled. "You didn't make any noise."
"I know. Have you heard my car? It's bloody next to silent. Sometimes at the lights I have to stop and see if it's still turned on," he smirked.
Gillian laughs again, shaking her head. "Oh my..." Cal's behaviour may have seemed out of character to an outsider, but she'd come to know him as someone who could be funny and goofy when he wanted to be, especially when it came to parenting. She really couldn't wait to see him with their child.
Cal leans over and kisses Gill's cheek. "I think we should slow down for a month or two."
"What do you mean?" the brunette asked, finishing off the last of the egg Cal had made her.
"I think maybe we should stop trying for a while. I'm worried you might feel like I manipulated you into this, and I think you deserve to have some time to grieve properly... Y'know, over Sophie." He hoped that wouldn't upset her again.
"Cal, you didn't manipulate me," Gillian told him. "You might have given me a bit of a wake-up call, but from my perspective it's only manipulation if you'd never had any intention of going ahead with the procedure. As for Sophie... I don't know. Maybe it's just because I'm tired, but I feel a bit better about it after the last day or so. Maybe I just needed to have a good cry." The brunette shrugged. "I didn't really get that when Alec and I were still together. First he shut me out and refused to talk about it, then he started with the drugs, and I ended up focussing my attention on looking after him instead of dealing with my feelings... To be honest, I'm surprised he came and talked to me today. Right now I just want to move forward."
"Forward..."
"Yes. Forward. I want to keep trying to conceive and put our names down with adoption agencies. Is that what you want?" Gillian asked. Maybe Cal was putting the brakes on because he'd changed his mind.
"Absolutely. I can't think of anything I'd rather do," Cal replied emphatically, his words of agreement making Gill smile.
