Grant....The name rang through Charlie's head. She expected that the therapy session would be intense but she never imagined it would go down this route. Turning her gaze towards Ruby, she could see her seize up at the mention of her biological father. Charlie knew from past discussions she'd had with Ruby that even now, it was still a very touchy subject. Even though it pained Charlie to think of her experiences with that man, it hurt her even more the fact her daughter contantly fought to cleanse herself of her blood connection with him.
"How do you feel about him, about how you were conceived", Michael asked.
Charlie flinched a little which didn't go unnoticed by Michael. He gave her a small smile to break the ice but it didn't help. To Charlie it felt like he was pushing an imaginery boundary that made her feel very uncomfortable. Once more she was slightly anxious about hearing her daughter answer the question. She had never really heard Ruby talk openly about the matter, they only ever discussed what needed to be talked about at a particular time and that was it. Both were secretly afraid to broach the subject.
But thats where Michael came in. He could ask the difficult questions because he had no emotional attachment to either women and he had no connection to the their personal dramas. In a way Charliew envied him. He could ask the questions she desperatly wanted to but was too scared to ask. For a split second she thanked God for giving her the opportunity to be in that room. Listening in on the conversation, like a fly on the wall as it were. Turning her attention to Ruby, she watched as her daughter clenched her fists. Clenching them so tightly her knuckles turned white.
"I....I.....", Ruby stuttered over her words as her voice began to shake as her thoughts started to race through her mind at a hundred miles an hour. "....I can't think about it. Because if I think about it, then all I can think is...I'm a product of that...a product of rape. A mistake that will last a lifetime and I can't bear it", she said as she lowered her head and tears startes to drop from her eyes.
Michael looked at her with sympathy in his eyes as he handed her a tissue from the box on his desk. Charlie sat there stunned into silence. Watching as Michael handed Ruby the tissue she thought about what Ruby had said....I've always carried the pain of what Grabt did to me, but I never really stopped to think how it affected Ruby. I glossed over because I was too selfish to consider her pain. What kind of mother am I?...she was snapped out of her thoughts when she saw that Ruby was ready to continue.
"I know it's selfish of me to think like that, I mean I didn't suffer half as much as mum did, but.....", Ruby stopped as Michael interjected.
"....but the blood ties you share with this man make you wonder how your mother really looks at, how she really see's you", he said as he watched Ruby nod her head in agreement with what he said. "Have you ever asked your mum?", he questioned, looking from Ruby to Charlie and then down at his notes.
"Eh, yeah, she told me that she never saw him and that she loved me......", Ruby said trailing off.
"....but you still feel like she's just saying it because she knows that's what you want to hear?", he said but this time he got no reply from Ruby.
Sitting upright Charlie felt a twinge of pain and saddness deep inside as she looked at her daughter who was holding her own arms close to her. Charlie could feel anger building up inside her. Even though Grant was dead, he was still causing her family grief and pain. She wondered how long it would take before his ghost would stop haunting them, but mostly she wondered when his ghost would stop haunting Ruby.
Charlie knew what Grant did to her was disgusting and the thought of it still pained her. But that one horrible night was all she shared with Grant. Ruby on the other hand shared 50% of his DNA. His blood ran through her daughter's veins and although Charlie wished for Ruby's sake that it wasn't like that, the reality was it was true. Ruby was half a Bledcoe just as she was half a Buckton. Even though it sickened Charlie to think that such a beautiful, precious part of her life shared the same blood as creep like him, she never, ever wished it away. Because if it wasn't for Grants "sperm donation", Ruby would not exist. And that reality was even more unbearable for Charlie to even think about.
"Ruby, do you feel anything for your father?", Michael asked. He more or less knew for Ruby's fellings on her conception what the answer would be, but he needed Ruby to say it out loud for her own sake.
Ruby sat there. Silent. Staring into space. Images of her "father" flashing through her mind as she searched for the answer to the question. She had never really thought about on a deep emotional level. After the incident at the cabin and his muder she was adament she hated him, but she wasn't sure now if it was just anger in that certain situation blinding her true feelings. Thinking back over everything she tried to find unravel her confusion to help her feel something. When she looked at her mother suddenly it was like a key had opened the lock to her trapped emotions and she found the answer.
"Honestly, the only thing I feel when I think about him, is this numbness. Like I can't feel anything", she explained as she freely expressed her true feelings at last. "Then I feel sad....to think my own father summons up this awful feeling in me that won't go away", she finished.
Michael continued jotting down in his notes, giving Ruby time to compose herself and Charlie time to digest the information that was slowly registering in her head. He stood up and walked over to a mini fridge in the corner of the room and removed two bottles of water, he handed one to Ruby and then walked over to Charlie and held it out for her to take from him. She smiled as she took the bottle from him and he placed a comforting hand on her shoulder.
Walking back to his seat he sat down and picked back up his notes. He stopped for a second, realising that the next question he was about to ask was not something he had orginally intended on asking in front of Ruby's mother. But he had to. It was something he had thought about when reviewing her case and it was related to the topic they were discussing. He needed to ask her now while the momentum of the conversation was still going strong.
"Ruby, your....injuries", he said about Ruby's wrists, trying to make it sound less demeaning, "you said you did it because you thought ending your life was the only way to save your mothers, Sub consiously do you think that your feelings towards your father, the way in which you were conceived, that they played a part in your reasons for...self harming? I want you to think about that before you answer and please, answer truthfully".
Ruby looked at him, a little winded by the question. Suddenly she felt this nauseous feeling in the pit of her stomach as she thought long and hard about what she really felt about it. Turning her gaze to her mother she looked for some sort of unsettled, saddness in her eyes caused by Ruby's openess about everything. Instead all she saw was compassion and warmth. Something Charlie always conveyed to Ruby. But even though she was glad Charlie looked that way now, she was scared that her answer would hurt her mother. Turning back to Michael, she looked him in th eye and said the one thing Charlie didn't want to hear.
"Yes", she said almost in a whisper.
Charlie looked down at her hands. Ruby's words had shaken her. She felt helpless knowing what she now knew and the idea that it was something she couldn't physically change hurt her more than anything else. Looking at her daughter she noticed that she looked physically exhausted and emotionally drained. But above all else, she looked haunted and lost. Tears slid down Ruby's cheeks and Charlie wanted desperatly to comfort her.
Sensing Charlie's need to console her child, Michael called a hault to the days session and watched as Charlie bounded from her seat and straight to Ruby, pulling her into a tight embrace and kissing the top of her head as she gently stroked her hair. Michael sat back in the chair at his desk and watched on, admiring the devotion Charlie had for her daughter. He could sense and unconditional love between them, an unbreakable bond that he had never really witnessed between a parent and their child before.
But then again not all people had been through what Charlie and Ruby had been through. The strength, courage and preserverence they had shown was remarkable and he couldn't help but find himself completely drawn in by it. Gazing at the beautiful tall, slender brunette that stood before him with her daughter by her side he smiled, hoping that he would get the chance to meet her again. He watched as they walked towards the door and left the room, and when they were out of sight, he turned his attention back to his work.
Walking down the corridor, Charlie kept an arm wrapped protectively around Ruby's waste as her daughter walked with her head propped up against her mother's shoulder. When they arrived at Ruby's room, the younger Buckton sat on the bed and looked up at her mother who gently caressed her cheek. In that moment, Ruby wanted to speak but couldn't quite find the words. She was exhausted. All she wanted to do was sleep.
"Um...I'm tired. I think I might take a nap", Ruby said somewhat scared that if she woke up later her mother would be gone.
"Okay", Charlie said as she helped Ruby into bed and pulled the blanket up over her. Sitting back down on the edge of the bed she stroked her daughter's hair. "I'll be right here when you wake up. I promise", she said. And with that she leaned down and kissed Ruby on the forehead. A kiss that expressed just how much she loved her daughter.
