Ha, ha, an update! I'm glad I did update!
Chapter 2
Weak Whisper
A whisper, a scream, it doesn't matter because no one hears a word
December, 24th, 2010
Any more than a whisper
Randy isn't much of a Christmas person.
But I always had been so seeing Randy getting so fixed up for the holiday makes my heart crack into pieces and my brains are blown to nothing and I can't hear my own voice screaming on the inside as I watch Randy put up the decorations, silver, red and green, mixtures and mixtures of so many colors and I love it. I love it even if my life is horrible and I feel Randy's arms wrap around my body and my lips press to his neck and my heart's pounding in my chest and I can't do anything but breathe and hope for the best. I don't want this Christmas to be like the last, horrible and brittle.
I just want this to be okay.
I just want this to be whole.
All complete.
Soon, Randy and I are both entangling into my bed and all I could think about is Cody and he'd gone this morning to spend the holidays with his family and I think of my family right then. My horrible, broken family and Randy's here to watch me mourn in my black pitch of nothingness and horribleness and now, I push Randy away even if I don't want to and I look out into the snowy world out there, white covered everything and I want to go out there but I'd gotten a call from my doctor, saying that I can't go out in the snow, that it would affect my blood count, since my blood will restrict faster and I'd need a transfusion almost every two hours if I go outside and that's impossible.
"Ted?"
My body's shaking and shivering and I can't really breathe at all.
"Teddy? I told you I want this to be all perfect..."
I look at him and I nod my head. I want this to be perfect, too. I didn't want this sick, twisted world instead of a fairytale, cliche drama story that will end up in a happy ending instead of a sad one.
"It'll be okay."
Randy and I stare at each other and our emotions pool into each other's eyes and I don't say a word at all, just nothing, but we don't need to. I'm about to say a word but his lips press into mine and he pulls away.
I know it's wrong. I know it's so wrong.
I pull off before Randy can get a wrong impression. "Randy, Cody--"
"Cody and I don't have anything together." He tries to tell me but his voice is so desperate and I know that he's joking or he's completely not serious and just wants to get this going on. He doesn't want the pain and drama and I can understand that. I don't either but I need to know the truth. I don't want this to be some fake relationship that both of us are going to regret later on. I want this to be real.
I want us to be real.
"You kissed him."
His eyes widen. "D-did Cody tell you that--?"
"He's telling me the truth."
He nods his head and presses me close to his chest, his body warming mine and I don't know what to say and I don't know how to say anything and just both of our eyes lock with each other and I just feel breathless without doing anything at all. It's almost like he has some sort of trance and spell on me and that-that makes me feel too weak and vulnerable for the world around me and shockingly, I just don't care.
I want to be with him.
I really do.
But I'm scared.
For what's happening.
For what will happen.
Why do we have to be entwined into this mess?
I just don't think it's meant to be. I want him but when we're together, all that's staining our relationship is agony and desolation and pain and--I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I'm so fed up. I wanna fucking breathe!
Is that so hard to ask for...?
"You have a thing for Cody. I know you do, Randy."
"I don't have anything for Cody. I-I love you."
That just hurts me even more.
I look into his eyes and curve a soft smile on my lips and I let the tears flow and I don't know if they're happy or if they're sad, I just don't know anything anymore and I don't care.
"...I love you, too, Ran."
I meant to cut it off there.
Hmm...I actually like this chappie.
What do you think? It's dark and cute. I think.
X Sam.
