Chapter 3
Hollow Heart
My heart is hollow and I want you to fill it up
December, 25th, 2010
any sudden movement of my heart
Randy and I kiss; both of our tongues twisting into each other and I know that I love him even more than I could ever love anyone and the taste of his tongue as it tickles my own make a shiver go up and down my spine and how I love him, my Randy, perfection at its best. He makes me feel complete and he makes the emptiness go away and I can feel the taste of his mouth still linger, the taste that still has that cocaine mixed in and I really, really want to tell Randy to quit but I can't because I'm scared of what he'd think and as I look down at my bracelet, the thick silver metal that's still suffocating my wrist and he leans down once more to give me a soft kiss and by that only, I know that this is one of the best times of my life.
The last memory of my last Christmas still resides in my head and as Randy runs his hand down my back, I feel shivers run up and down my spine as Randy leans down to twist his tongue into my mouth. I truly, truly love him but I'm slightly afraid of our future and I stare outside into the atmosphere, just beyond his shoulder to see the snow coated world around me but I can't go outside because my blood would freeze too fast and I know that I don't want to die on this very day when I'm happy.
I'm never happy.
I don't want this joy to break.
"R-Randy?"
He looks at me, perplexed at the stutter of my voice but it's because the atmosphere around us is cold and I like it but as he leans down to kiss me once more, I push him off. "Ted?" he asks me. "Is there something wrong—?"
I just let my thoughts pour out to him.
"Something wrong?!" I exclaimed, causing Randy's eyes to widen as he holds onto my shoulder. "Randy, I can't take the drugs. You're still doing coke…after a year…Randy, this has ruined my childhood and I don't want those drugs to break my life right now! Please! Just don't…"
Tears sprinkle out of my eyes.
He stares and tears are threatening to pool out of his eyes as well.
Why do I always have to fuck up everything?
He wants it to be perfect.
And I'm breaking everything for him.
I try to tell myself that this would never happen again but I don't want another promise I'll break.
I can still hear the echo of my hollow heart as it shatters all over again.
