Chapter 11
Pathetic Pain

Am I being too sadistic?
January, 1st, 2010
You're just so pretty in your pain
Give up my way, and I could be anything

It's only a day after they take me away for that little experiment. I'm half scared, half not, half of me just wants to forget, half of me knows that I can try as hard as I fucking can to forget, I just won't.

It's not only until day that I find much needed comfort in this stupid book.

It's the only thing that makes me stop thinking, even for a moment, just to write out the feelings that are bubbling all too badly into me and I'm doing this, listening to "Black Dahlia" by Hollywood Undead. I. Am. A. Loser. After a while, I look through different stations, just to have a station that plays something happy and when I do, I notice that my breathing is much more shallower as Cody sits beside me, his hyper smile making me smile this weak, fake smile as he peeks into my book. I let him because there's no reason not to. They already know that I'm a suicidal freak.

"You're not a freak!" Cody exclaims, his eyes widen, before he hugs me as tight as ever. "Don't ever say that about yourself, Teddy. And you know that I love you! You're like a brother to me!"

"I know, Cody," I say, hugging him back, kissing the top of his forehead before he stands up, picking up the book that had fallen from the floor and giving it to me, 'wait, no, 'you shouldn't be talking about this' speech?"

Cody turns to me, that warm smile still playing and tugging at his lips, 'you wouldn't care, Teddybear." Then I stare at those eyes of him, as if he's knowing a secret that I don't. "I just don't understand what you're trying to prove. Life is there to live for Ted, even I hate it sometimes. I hate the fact that you're so hurt, I hate the fact that Randy's torn up because of it, and even though I'm hurting on the inside too, I try not to think of it, Teddy. I like being a happy person and I won't let anyone wreck me apart like that because it'll just hurt the people around me even more…don't you see, Teddy? You're hurting me…"

I stare into those eyes and I do see the pain that's hidden by a thousand fake emotions and I look down at my lap, 'but you prefer not to tell me this because…" I trail off because I want Cody to talk.

"Because if I tell you this, then you'll think there's no hope for happiness. You'll just build yourself with guilt. You and Randy just don't understand that even faking happiness can make you feel it. If I was like you, then there'd be no hope for us all, we'll all go on hating and thinking that joy doesn't exist but me…I want you to see that a person can be happy…Teddy…"

"True but why pretend to be happy?"

"Sometimes, you don't even have to pursue happiness. Sometimes, it just finds you at the least expected moment." Cody leans down to kiss my cheek before turning on his heel, looking back at me for a moment, 'and you were happy…a long time ago…but someone broke that. And it's time you move on…love exists, too, Teddy."

"But I don't see you walking around with a loved one in arms."

Cody seems slightly hurt at the thought but then a bright smile burns across his face, 'it's because I don't want to just pick anyone. I want to wait. Besides, I have you and Randy… I don't really need anyone else." With that, Cody exits the room, leaving me alone to ponder about our conversation. Why am I sad? Why do I ravish onto pathetic pain? Why don't I just fake happiness?

Randy's ecstatic. On cloud nine ever since he realized that he may be a potential father. And he's been bringing me much to cheer me up, from my favorite type of candy to my favorite movie to bringing back my childhood toys, a teddy bear that I long threw away, a few Legos, a few dolls that I once possessed, and holding onto my teddy bear, which I long dubbed as 'Acute' for lack of knowledge of names and I snuggle into Randy's chest but nothing makes me feel this closure. I'm still as scared as ever…thoughts of 'what if' haunt my head.

Randy keeps onto touching me in places I didn't even know could make me moan and when the movie's over, he takes off our clothing, nothing to cover us, nothing at all, and before he could do anything, I ask him, 'is this what you really want, Ran?"

"I never wanted anything more."

With a wink, Randy's hand plays down my ass, slowly stroking it, as his other hand plays with my cock and I stare at him, nibbling onto the sick of his neck and managing to moan every two seconds. "Randy…I want you in me…" I breathe against his ear and he finally does thrust in me and it feels so damn good, feeling him in me, no lube, no nothing, I just take him with all the pain of our past burning in us. The thrusts in me, deeper and deeper, harder and harder each time, my moans are rhythmic and it isn't long before he comes but he still keeps on going until I come, too.

We both lay in bed, sweaty, feverish-skinned and naked; nothing but us and the rest of the world is blank.

I wish it would stay like this. But happiness doesn't stay with me for very long. And at now, at the dead end of the night, I'm still writing in this book because I care. I care for my children, my descendants, others like me to see my story, to read the thoughts of someone that's exactly like them…I don't want anyone to go through this alone like I am. I don't want anyone to be confused.

This feeling…

I'm so alone.