After realizing how much I've neglected this fic, I've decided to pick up where I left off. XD! There is no more than 4-5 chapters left of this story anyways. :3
Chapter 14
Rotted & Ruined
Runaways were made for the weak
I'm so weak
January, 3rd, 2010
so run, run, run
and hate me, if it feels good
I'm weak, unable to speak,
my heart's hole leaks
(Of tainted blood.)
I really can't tell anyone that I've finally given up.
Again.
But I'm not going to put the gun to my head and shoot my brains out because I don't want that to happen again. I have to run away…I can't look at this anymore. The mirror tells all, the damage that has been with me, before me, and what'll happen to me. I can hear him, calling out Alanna's name in his sleep, his sweet Alanna…softly murmuring, trying to hold back tears even in his sleep as he held me, held me tight…but now, his grip's loosened and I'm out of the bed.
I'm near the mirror again.
The mirror that is perfect, that mirrors a broken complexion.
Brooke and Marc call me to tell me that my baby's ready, real, born and their experiment worked but it's my call if I want to keep the child or if I should kill it. It's cruel and merciless but I want the baby dead. I can't look at the mixture of me and Randy, perfect Randy fusing with broken, shattered me…I don't want my baby to suffer because I can't handle the little one properly.
There's nothing left.
Randy won't want anyone but Alanna and I can't surely take care of a baby all by myself…I'm confused, scared, horrified…but I still walk through those double doors, to see the baby that is mine and Randy's—
And I get a glimpse –
Of the most beautiful thing I've seen in my entire life.
It's a girl. A beautiful baby girl that seemed to be a year old when she died, and her features must've changed because the genes that were combined changed, the face structure is round…not mine or Randy's but the eyes, staring at me, piercing blue…so pure and soft, so beautiful. Her flesh pale, the color of pale that has burned against my skin…and her wide eyes stare at me. His hair is made of dark brown, the dark brown that used to cover Randy's head.
I couldn't have killed her. There's this bond that has attached me to her. "Give her to me." I rasp out, my eyes bubbling with tears…
A feeling of love and attachment burns into my heart. I know I can't take care of her but I don't want anyone else to adopt her and I don't want her to die. I don't want anyone to have her but me. The only thing that makes me feel the ounce of sadness that clustered around me is the fact that Randy isn't here…to see his picture perfect daughter, the girl that's playing with my shirt, staring up at me with those eyes, those beautiful eyes…I never thought that something that could have so much of me turn out so beautiful.
I ponder…on and on…
And I realize…
I was once beautiful.
But now, my beauty has rotted. Like the beauty of the red rose rots in the summer's heat.
And I'm left…
With nothing but sweet memories of a used to be perfect life.
But now, looking at her, there's something in me that learns to appreciate the fact that I used to have happy memories, that I used to be beautiful, once upon a time, I'd dance against clouds of hope and love and sweet glory but now, that cloud has sparked up a storm and destroyed—
Everything in sight, my hopes, my dreams, my thoughts…
And I'm left with the world underneath me fried…except for those few stand still flowers, roses…Cody and Randy.
And now, the prettiest flower of all has sprung into this concealed soil.
And maybe there's a bit of hope in the sky after all.
Maybe I just can't see it.
Maybe I'm blind to the sky as well.
Maybe I'm just waiting for another cloud of hope to spring up in the sky before I reach in…before I'm left with disappointment yet again, that I may never be normal. But now…this rose, this baby girl in my arms right now, she knows more than I'll ever know.
I've already called her.
Britt.
The first name that's come into my head and refused to leave, and the stubborn part of me allows myself to keep it and so, I'll run away in my search of another cloud, without Randy and Cody there to be hurt along the journey with me…I refuse to allow them to be hurt because of me anymore.
That's it.
The end of the beginning.
And there's this journey before me ready to unfold currently…
Haha. No updates for a long time. I know, XD!
X Sam.
LOVES KASSANDRA DIAZ EVEN IF SHE ISN'T READING THIS. XP!
