PHASE 4—The Aftermath

"Merlin…Marlene, I finally did it!" Peter swore, looking around at all the promotional club flyers posted up around the school, and all the swooning fan girls.

"Yes," Marlene agreed. "That's the eleventh time you've said this. Can I go and read chapter seven now?"

Peter shushed her with the wave of a hand. "No, no… just look. They're screaming my name!"

"You mean just listen. And I have. For over an hour. May I please go?"

"I don't think you understand how cool this is."

"I do. But"—

"Fine. Chapter seven is all yours. Still…"

Marlene smiled, hugged him, and, before she could say "chapter seven", the pair were mobbed by the screaming, swooning, senile fan girls.

"This is awesome! My first mobbing!"

"Shut up, Pettigrew."

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"Oohhhh… Sirius… I don't know what you're doing with your tongue, but please continue…" Mary moaned, straddling the boy in question.

Sirius smirked into her neck, locking eyes with her for a second before continuing on with his work.

Mary sighed. Sirius knew how to treat a girl. Physically, anyway. "Sirius…"

"I'm that good, huh?"

Mary hit him playfully on the shoulder, before leaning over to his ear. "No one can match you, Sirius Black." And then her lips, once done emitting the phrase latched on to the ear.

Sirius, however, was in an odd position. Any other time, he would have been focusing on the sensations Mary was causing in his pants, and all the excitement—yet, he couldn't stop thinking of an earlier conversation.

"I bet Dumbledore could."

"What?" Mary said, sitting back on Sirius' lap, lips suddenly falling free from him.

"I bet—no, I'm pretty dang sure that Dumbledore's better at this than me," Sirius said with a chuckle.

"Er…that's not an image I really want in my head," Mary frowned. "I mean…he's our headmaster, and, and old! And isn't he supposed to be, you know, a fairy? They say that he and Grindelwald…yeah, I really don't want to think about this."

Sirius grinned. "You know, Dumbledore could show up to McGonagall's class late. And get away with it."

Mary raised an eyebrow. "Er…are you okay?" she asked, placing her hand on his forehead. Shrugging when it felt normal, her lips crashed back onto his. This was the Astronomy tower, after all.

Sirius returned the favor, but couldn't get Alice out of his head. Weird. He didn't want to snog her whatsoever. But…but what?

"If," he panted, breaking away, "a Gryffindor and a Slytherin fell off the Astronomy tower, who would hit the ground first?"

"Is this some prank you're planning?" Mary asked, confused with the enigma that was formerly Sirius. "Because I'm pretty sure they'd hit at the same time."

"No, silly," Sirius breathed, his nose on hers. "The Gryffindor. The Slytherin would have to stop for directions."

Mary sighed, pulling her shirt back on. "If you're not going to take this seriously, Sirius, I'm just going to go."

Sirius just smiled goofily. Alice, he thought, maybe you're not so bad. Not many people could make him break out giggling during a snogging session.

Mary just stormed out. Why, she asked whoever could hear, are all the guys in this school mental?

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Well. Maybe not all guys.

"Mary!" Peter hailed his friend over.

Mary looked up from her crumpled shirt to the lighthearted face of Peter Pettigrew, and she couldn't help but smile.

Which was way more than Remus or Sirius could make her do these days.

"I here you have a fan club now. Or, I suppose, I see," Mary amended, gesturing to the vast number of girls staring excitedly at Peter.

Peter blushed. "Yeah, finally got it."

Mary patted him on the back. "Good work. Though I bet Skeeter's still pissed that she lost all her best fan girls."

"She threw a shoe at me. A pointy one."

Mary laughed. "Yep. Definitely Skeeter."

Mary scratched her neck awkwardly, as Peter stared at his shoes.

"Er…"

"Here, let me take your bag," Peter said, finally breaking the silence.

"You sure?" Mary asked, but handing the bag over. "I mean, it may not be the wisest move in front of a fan club."

"It's a fan club," Peter scoffed. "What, are they suddenly going to attack me, ripping off my limbs as souvenirs? Force me to marry them at wandpoint?"

Mary's eyes twinkled mischievously. "Maybe."

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This was it.

Lily had put on her shortest skirt, moisturized, and brushed her teeth (twice).

Time to end her dry spell.

With one final application of chapstick, Lily closed the door to the Astronomy tower behind her, and leaned against the nearest column.

No…her hair should go this way.

And if she turned her leg that way, would it be more alluring?

…what was the appropriate etiquette for moaning one's name?

And then, the door creaked open. (Lily quickly pulled her skirt up another inch).

"Hello."

Lily almost moaned right then, his voice was so suave and strong and masculine. Go to hell, etiquette.

"Hi," she breathed back, made one final adjustment to her hair, clamped her hand on his shoulder, and drew him close to her.

And their lips met.

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"Sign it!"

Peter grasped at the paper being shoved into his eyes.

Er…

"Uh, what is this?"

"Um, a photo of you and Sirius Black in a naked man hug. Duh."

"…how did you get this? When?"

"When you were sleeping."

Peter's eyes widened.

The girl sighed. "Well, are you going to sign it, or not?"

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"No, the Gryffindor. The Slytherin has to stop for directions."

Frank snorted. "You know, I feel like I've heard this before…probably from Sirius. He loves those jokes."

"Well, some of them aren't so bad. And there are definitely more of them than Dumbledore jokes. You know, it really takes a lot out of me, trying to think up Dumbledore jokes," Alice sighed dramatically, hand on forehead.

"Oh, sorry, Alice," Frank apologized. "I mean, thinking. I know, I know, it's pretty hard, huh?"

Alice punched him.

"But I feel bad, I really do," Frank protested, shielding himself from future attacks. "You've been telling Dumbledore jokes for me, and dumb Slytherin jokes to Sirius, but what are your favorite jokes?"

Alice paused. "You know, I don't really mind what type of jokes. As long as they're funny, they're fine. Except, I really despise dead house elf jokes."

"Oh? Your favorites are dead house elf jokes?" Frank grinned wickedly.

Alice rolled her eyes at him. "Very funny."

"What's worse than ten house elves nailed to one tree?" Frank teased. "One house elf nailed to ten trees!"

"Frank…" Alice warned.

"How do you know when a house elf is a dead house elf? When the dog plays with it more!"

"Frank, shut up," Alice said, in a dead serious voice.

"How many house elves does it take to paint a room? Come on, Alice, just guess," Frank grinned.

Alice glared.

"Fine, fine….don't guess. It depends on how hard you throw them!"

"I said, shut up! It's fucking twisted, is what it is."

Frank paused. "Twisted depends on which way you look at it…sure, a dead house elf could be twisted."

Silence.

Before Frank could say, "Oh, you meant me?" Alice had jumped on him, pushing him to the floor.

"Maybe you want to see what it's like to be dead, just like those house elves," Alice hissed, grappling with the much larger guy, pulling at his hair, and kneeing him in some well-picked locations.

"O-kay…okay…I get it," Frank gasped. "Listen to you…when…when you say that…you don't…like….dead….how…elll…jo-hoooks…I'm…cho…'in…."

Alice relieved pressure around his neck, just a tad. "Damn right, Longbottom. I told you I don't like them, and you go ahead and tell them. It's not like they're Dumbledore jokes, dumb Slytherin jokes, or something. I told you they're twisted. Morbid, sadistic, discriminatory, and just plain creepy."

Alice sighed, let go of him, and sat back at him, so she was straddling his lap, and staring straight into his eyes.

Frank pushed himself up on his arms. "I am sorry Alice. I…I'm kind of stupid sometimes."

"Y'think?"

"Marlene's pretty sadistic herself, I guess some of it rubs off."

"Just—just don't do it again, alright? I'm not always so jovial, you know."

Frank smiled at the tired-looking girl, promised not to be so stupid again, and then proceeded to be incredibly stupid.

A minute or two later, Alice pushed Frank away, looking even more pissed. "Oh yeah, so you're not going to be stupid, huh? What was that?"

The color drained out of his now crestfallen face. "I…I"—

"You kissed me!" Alice cried anxiously. "But, but, we're just friends, right?"

"Alice, I"—

"No, Frank," Alice cut him off. "We're just friends. We have to be. I'm going out with Sirius—or at least I will as soon as we get that butterbeer he promised, and, seriously, we're just friends. I know we've been hanging out together a lot, but we're only friends..."

"Alice, maybe we"—

"Maybe you should just stay away, okay?" Alice suggested nervously, jumping off Frank, and placing her hands over her face. "If this…this shouldn't be happening. We need time apart, right? Of course it's right, I mean, I…Sirius. Sirius. I like Sirius. Right? Er, not right. I like Sirius. Just, just go away."

And Alice ran away.

"But…you kissed me back," Frank said to deaf ears.

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"Peter!"

"Peter!

"Peter!"

"…PETER!"

"What?" Peter turned around, eying the group of girls suspiciously. They looked a bit too innocent.

A fourth year simpered at him. "We just…just wanted to check in on a few things."

"Like what?"

"Well, you know Mary MacDonald, right?"

"Yeah…why?"

"She's a part of the fan club and everything, but she won't talk to us. And we really want to make a few things clear—for the general welfare of everyone in the club."

"Seriously, what?" Peter said, fed up of the dawdling and the stalling.

"Look, you're not dating Mary, right?"

"What?"

The fourth year smiled. "Good. See, you have to stay single for the good of the fan club. I mean…what ever would we do if you had a girlfriend?"

"Stalk me anyway?" Peter suggested sarcastically

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"…and you should have seen what she was doing with her lips. Holy Merlin fucking a goat, it was crazy. I could have…well, never mind what I could have done…"

James sighed. Sirius was mental. He had come in, dazed, confused, and a tad disappointed. And now he was bothering the rest of the dorm with his snogging and telling. Not the best dorm mate.

Remus could only be of the same opinion. Maybe to even more of an extreme. The nerve of what singles did these days. Rather disgusting. Jane would not have stood for it.

Frank agreed that it was too much information, too. What else could depress him more? After his epic fail at snogging the girl he fancied, Sirius rubbing it in about his grand snog with a stranger was not the most comforting.

Peter was thinking about Mary.

"…but, while she was doing that crazy thing on my neck, I opened my eyes, you know, cause I like looking at the moon while snogging. Not sure why exactly, probably some internal kinky desire or something… but anyway, this is crazy, guys, I opened my eyes, and the moon was positioned just so that all I could see was red hair"—

James sat up, in a giant coughing fit, looking at Sirius with wide eyes.

"—and who was it but Lily Evans. Crazy, I know? And I was expecting Mary! I mean, shag a girl enough times in a week and she's the one you expect to be waiting for you in the Astronomy tower, you know? Fortunately, I was able to separate myself before—well before we shagged…but that was one snog, mates. I swear, Prongs, I might just have to take her. You're over her and all, but you don't mind, do"—

Sirius was cut off by James' fist smashing into his face.

"Ow…" Sirius whimpered, as James stalked out of the room. "What a jerk, don't you think, Remus?"

Remus scowled. "I've been dating Mary for the past week."

Another fist to Sirius' face, and Remus stalked out right behind James (Jane Eyre in tow, of course), as Sirius screeched "I didn't know! I swear! She told me she broke up with you! Muh—oooooneeeee! Come back! Come back to me! Please? Pretty please? Pretty please with cherries on top? I swear I DIDN'T KNOW!" to his back

Sirius looked with hope to Peter. "You're on my side, right, Peter? I mean, I"—

"Didn't know, yeah, yeah," Peter chimed in, looking like he had sucked an acid pop to within an inch of his life (or at least a cockroach cluster). "But really? This is how you treat her? Snog other girls behind her back?"

And yet again, there was a fist in Sirius' mouth, and a marauder stalking out the door.

"Didn't know he was dating her too…" Sirius grumbled, turning to Frank. "Well, Frank. It's your turn now. Going to tell me that you're Mary's cousin/incestuous lover, and as Lily's best friend you're going to punch my lights out too?"

Frank shook his head at the bruising boy, and flopped back onto his bed. Damn. This was the guy Alice had rejected him for.

Fuck. Alice. Did she know?

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Peter sighed, kicking at the floor.

Mary was dating Remus? And sleeping with Sirius? And how hadn't he known this?

And if he hadn't known that…what had he known? Mary was probably also pining over James—why not try and get all the marauders? All she had to do was seduce Peter…

And he had wanted—well it didn't matter anymore what he wanted. She probably didn't want it. Eurgh.

At least—

Unicorn turds.

It's the fan club.

Peter swore and tucked himself behind a tapestry depicting (rather gruesomely) the battle of Elvendork, during the Goblin Wars of 1214.

"Where is he?" a voice whined. "I haven't seen him in forever. Like, not since lunch."

"I don't know! Maybe we should just leave the chocolates with James or Sirius or Remus? They'll give them to him."

"Yeah, but we already gave them Amortentia-spiked candies. They'd probably expect it and throw it away. And I really want to date Peter."

"I know! But why should you get him? I want him too!"

"Well you can have James or something."

"No fair!"

"Well, maybe I'll convince Peter and the others to let you in on our marauder fivesome."

"You better…."

As the footsteps faded away, Peter sighed. At least Mary wasn't a crazy bitch.

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Ah…peace and quiet—once again—with chapter seven…

"Marlene!"

Marlene dropped her head to the table. Fuck this. Fuck studying. Fuck Lily. Fuck everything.

Lily slid onto the bench across from Marlene, collapsed on the table. Her nose was super red.

Crap. Crappity-crap-crap.

There was no way Marlene was studying today.

"What is it?" she asked hesitantly—and hesitantly for good reason, because Lily burst into tears.

After a few (if the word few is defined liberally) minutes of endless sobbing (and glares from Madam Pince), the bawling died down, because, and really only because, Lily had cried her tear reservoir empty.

"I'm so stupid," Lily wailed into chapter seven, her tear drops making it almost unreadable.

"Lily, just tell me, what happened?"

Lily swallowed, and sat up just a bit more. "Well…after you guys had left, and I was all alone in the library, you know, just a few days ago, remember?"

"Yes," Marlene lied.

"I just…I…Emmeline was snogging Benjy Fenwick!"

"Er…okay? They do that a lot, Lily."

Lily sniveled. "See…I felt so lonely, and they were snogging! And you've got all your shag-friends, and Frank's got Alice, or I think he does…are they dating yet? But even Remus has a girlfriend and I…and I hadn't snogged since Davy Gudgeon two years ago so I did that thing you do, you know?"

Marlene didn't know.

"You know, when you wait up in the Astronomy tower for some random guy to snog you! And then your drought ends, you know! And I did that, because I've been having a two-year-long drought, and yours are only a few days, and then Sirius Black snogged me!"

Information overload. Marlene blinked. "Er…"

"And he wasn't bad or anything, but then he looked at me, and he was all 'You're not Mary!' and it turns out he's been shagging Mary MacDonald up in the tower for the past two weeks…"

Some brunette girl two tables away ran past, pushing Marlene's book off the table. Marlene grumbled at the pallid girl, and turned back to Lily.

"…then Remus looked all strange at me, like Peter did, and Frank said he wanted to talk to me about something, but I ran away because isn't it obvious that Sirius told everyone? And now the whole school's going to know by dinner…and I'll be the laughingstock. Not even Sirius Black would shag me…"

"You want Sirius Black to shag you?" Marlene asked, a disgusted look on her face. "Think of all the diseases he has."

The corners of Lily's mouth tugged a bit upwards. "It's more about pride, you know? And I was sort of horny too. I guess watching Vance and Fenwick procreate and that two-year-long dry spell do things to a girl."

Marlene paused. "Two-year-long dry spell? But didn't James snog you only a few months ago?"

Lily blushed. "That doesn't count…it was"—

"Don't say unrequited. You may not have wanted it at first, but I hear Potter's good in the broom closet. I bet you kissed back."

Lily blushed.

"Aha!" Marlene crowed. "You don't deny it! Come on, why didn't you go straight to James for a snog?"

"You've always said that if you just want a snog, don't get any feelings involved," Lily retorted triumphantly.

"Touché," Marlene conceded. "However, you do just realize you admitted that you have feelings for James Potter, right?"

"No!" Lily denied, just a bit too quickly. "It's because…he, he's been avoiding me, and you know, there are feelings on his side, and I'm not really sure what's going on, because he hasn't asked me out in a while, or attempted to kiss me, and he usually does that all the time. And it's been a few weeks, so I was just wondering, you see, and it's kind of awkward, because I have no clue what he's doing, or thinking, or anything, and if I approached him, he might recoil, so I don't want to do anything that'll scare him off…I think."

Marlene stopped, to appreciate the integrity of the speech. And then continued to destroy it. "Just how much have you been thinking about this, Lily? You seem to be keen on James."

"No, not at all," Lily hastened to assure. "See, with you and Frank busy with Peter and Alice respectively, I've had a lot of time to think. About a lot of stuff. Like my dry spell and Potter, of course, but I've been thinking about everything under the rainbow. Why are unicorns scared of men? Probably because they're all bastards. Are you secretly dating Peter? No, you haven't dated since Sirius broke your heart. Is Dumbledore gay or European? Not sure, but he's definitely not in love with McGonagall. Er…yeah."

Marlene eyed Lily, very bemused. (If you wouldn't be bemused in this situation, please, for the good of humanity, go see a doctor. Specifically one who helps people by letting them live in nice, clean, white rooms, with comfortable jackets that let one hug oneself as long as they like).

"So, as you can see, there is no way that I fancy Ja—that is, Potter."

Marlene sighed. There was only one way that Lily would see the light of her inevitable crush.

"So, you know, I was talking to James earlier, and he was talking about how Sirius told him that he snogged you, and"—

"What did he say?" she asked urgently, shoving her wide eyes right under Marlene's nose. A bit awkward, if you must ask.

Marlene snorted (a bit of a bad idea in that position, but it worked out fine, everyone survived). "Lily. I didn't talk to him. But I bet he heard, if Peter, Remus and Frank all did."

Lily sighed, and dropped her head back on the mangled chapter seven. "It's just…"

"Lily, there really is no excuse for this behavior. Even though you keep denying it—which in the end will just provoke it—you fancy James. Only a step away from being head over heels in love, if I dare say so. So, stop wallowing, and start thinking of what you're going to say to James, about you liking him, and about you snogging-almost-shagging his best friend."

Lily groaned. "I really need better friends."

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Suddenly Peter Pettigrew couldn't breathe. And couldn't see or move either.

Peter readied himself to fight his attacker—whoever had petrified him.

But then Rita Skeeter removed her lips from his.

"Argh!" he screeched, looking at her, and ways to escape, fully intending to wash his mouth with hydrogen peroxide as soon as he had escaped. "What…why…how?"

Rita just laughed, restraining him in her iron grip (Peter was pretty sure he was starting to bruise), and leaning back in to snog the living daylights out of him.

Peter was really wishing someone had petrified him right now.

"Mmm…Peter…" Rita whispered hoarsely. "I can tell why they say you're a good snogger now…"

Peter stared at her, horrified. Rita Skeeter was not the person he imagined he'd share his first kiss with.

Rita laughed at his expression. "I know, I know," she confessed, "it's pretty weird. I mean, you probably thought I hated you, right? Well, I sort of did. But that's not the point. The point is…Peter Pettigrew, I think I'm in love with you."

Peter squealed—his inner animagus taking control.

"I realized, sitting at the Sirius Black fan club, that you're not so bad looking. It was prejudice really, that kept me from seeing how sexy you really are." Here Rita stopped to sigh. "I mean, I have always wished to have a foursome with the marauders—minus you, of course. But I realized it'd be incomplete without you…and that got me thinking, maybe you're not that bad, you know?"

Rita slowly took her hands off of Peter's arm, placed them on the buttons to his shirt, and started, once again, to lean into his mouth.

Peter squeaked and ran, leaving Rita to fall headfirst into the stone wall.

Served her right.

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Remus frowned. Despite being in his happy place (his favorite arm chair, in front of his favorite fireplace, with his favorite book), there was something wrong. What could it be?

Oh, yeah. Maybe that his girlfriend cheated on him with his best friend?

Remus' frown deepened. He never used sarcasm (it just wasn't very polite—Jane would disapprove).

But, anyway, not that he was necessarily angry with Sirius. Sirius had said he hadn't known—and Remus would know that Sirius was damn oblivious.

Excuse the foul language.

But Mary. What was wrong with him as a boyfriend? Jane Eyre would certainly appreciate him.

Remus sighed, with the knowledge that he'd never be content unless he did something, got up, and walked straight into Mary.

Perfect.

"You…you scarlet woman!" Remus sputtered, pointing at Mary.

"What?"

"You heard me." Remus folded his arms and glared at his soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend. "You are a trollop. A strumpet. A brazen hussy. A nickel floozy."

"Okay! I get the picture. But I'd like to know why my boyfriend is going around calling me a whore, as we say it in the 20th century," Mary replied dryly.

Remus winced at her wording. But straightened and continued, "I'm not your boyfriend anymore, MacDonald."

Mary almost sighed with relief. "Okay…I'm not sure where this came from, but whether we're going out or not, I still deserve an explanation."

"You should know. Or did you forget your improper ways?"

Mary sighed. "That doesn't help. Just—please, explain."

"Do your nights in the Astronomy tower ring a bell?"

Mary stared. "How…how do you know?"

"Sirius told the whole dorm not ten minutes ago."

Mary groaned. "Great. The whole school will know by dinner. Thanks Sirius, for kissing and telling."

Remus shrugged. Why should he bother to clarify after what she did to him? She didn't even seem contrite or ashamed or anything really. How embarrassing.

"So, you can see why dumping you is the only logical reaction," Remus said instead. "How you could have a worse girlfriend, I'm not sure."

"Remus…" Mary started softly. "I'm sorry. I really am. I shouldn't have done that to you. I'm not going to deny it; yes, I slept several times with Sirius. I should have dumped you earlier."

Remus gawked at her.

"Dumped…me? But you're"—

"Yes, there's no excuse for my behavior. But you should know that you're almost as bad a boyfriend as I am a girlfriend," Mary continued, with a bit more vigor. "I mean, nothing's as bad as sleeping with your best friend—but what else was I supposed to do when you were spending all our dates going on about Jane fucking Eyre?"

"Do not use Jane Eyre's name in"—

"And you're still more in love with her than me! You never really loved me," Mary exclaimed. "You just tried to make me into your own carbon-copy of Jane Eyre! I mean, I'm certainly not changing for you! I wanted nothing more than for you to accept me for who I am, but you never did."

Remus just stared, not sure whether he was more insulted, apologetic, or puzzled. Mostly, he just wanted Jane Eyre.

Mary stopped, though, and threw her arms around Remus. "I am sorry, though," she whispered in his ear. "I guess we were never meant to be. But one day, you'll find someone perfect."

"I hope she's like Jane Eyre," Remus sighed as Mary let go.

"Nah," Mary snorted. "She'll probably have short purple hair, and nose rings, and be the clumsiest person you've ever met."

"…I hope not."

Mary smiled. "You are the most fiction-obsessed person I'll ever know. Rather endearing, actually, when I'm no longer dating you. Friends?" Mary asked, sticking out her hand.

"Friends," Remus agreed, shaking her hand. "And…about Sirius telling the whole dorm…he only told Frank, James, Peter, and me, so there's a good chance that the you-shagging-Sirius story won't get out for a while, if it gets out…but then again, you know the Hogwarts gossip, unstoppable…"

Mary's eyes widened. "Peter knows?"

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Mary slapped herself. Internally of course.

Maybe losing Remus was okay. And Sirius…well he was probably going to lose interest with her as a fuckbuddy sometime, anyway.

But Peter? What the hell did she do? She had finally found a worthwhile guy—which was hammered in by those freaking fan girls she had to live with—

Who seemed to be traveling hurriedly down the corridor. Towards her.

Mary blanched. Did they find out about her and Peter?

Not that they were dating or anything. Yet. It might have been a nice thing…had she not been so stupid. But—

Focus.

Mary turned, and there he was. Peter.

"Holy Merlin," she gasped. "PETER!"

And before the storm of hormonal girls could rip him to shreds, she pushed him into the empty Charms classroom.

Peter looked at her weirdly, sat up, brushed the invisible dirt off his clothing, and said, "Well, thank you, for pushing me onto the floor out of the blue. I feel so loved."

"You could at least thank me."

"For what?"

"Didn't you see that horde of fan girls? Remember when I told you that your fan club would eventually mob you and rip off your limbs as souvenirs?"

"Maybe. You said maybe. That was not definite."

Mary rolled her eyes. "And Rita Skeeter snogging you? I told you you'd be forced into a wedding at wandpoint. And knowing Rita, that could happen pretty soon."

"How did you hear about that? About Skeeter attacking me?" Peter asked suspiciously. "Were…were you watching?"

"No. No! Merlin no!" Mary gaped at him. "Who do you think I am? Some sort of… Nevermind. I wasn't watching. If you remember, I said I'd be the first to join your fan club."

Peter grumbled. "And the first to leave."

Mary sighed. "I don't know why you think that. I'm still in it."

Peter raised an eyebrow, looking at her pointedly.

"Okay, okay. I know. Dating Remus and shagging Sirius…well those were sort of from before I knew you, and…Holy hippogriff. I could explain this to you, but Agrippa knows it'd take forever, and I'm not that articulate anyway, so I'm just going to do this the only slaggish way I know how."

Then Mary kissed him.

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Life, almost anyone would agree, comprised a series of thankless tasks.

Frank wasn't quite sure where this came from, but it sounded pretty nice, didn't it? All stories have to have that one moment of ingenious clarity. The whole "it is an undeniable fact that all single men in possession of good fortune must be in want of a wife" (or something like that, anyway) bit that would be quoted for the rest of eternity, and professors of literature would spend lives expounding the meaning of eleven words.

Surely, for the sake of those suffering teenagers, Frank could somehow fit the phrase into his current predicament.

Alice, the love of his life, or really, the like of his life—he wasn't nearly old enough, and hadn't known Alice nearly long enough to be in love—was in love with a scoundrel in possession of a massive libido.

And what was Frank to do? Just let her rip her heart out over such a worthless subject? Tempting as it was, Frank wasn't that malicious (he just happened to know two or three dead house elf jokes). And so, here he was, searching for Alice, so he could tactfully break the news to her. Whatever she'd do with it…well, Frank wouldn't be too surprised if she still wanted Black. But she was stubborn that witch.

It was rather admirable, really. Maybe that was why Frank—

"You fucking bastard! You son of a banshee!"

Frank stopped talking to himself, startled by the sudden flash of green.

Holy flobberworms. Was someone being killed?

…no. It turned out that Sirius Black was just being hit with a rather potent bat bogey hex. Frank never knew that Sirius Black could be that ugly. But, then again, bat bogeys could make veelas ugly.

But the point is, Sirius was collapsed in a sniffling heap at the end of the corridor, with a wand pointed at him by an angry…Alice.

Frank was not expecting that.

Well, at least there was one less thankless task.

"We were going to get butterbeer. You said so yourself!"

Sirius let out a little sob. "My beauty… Alice, I didn't mean on a date! I swear!"

"Well, it wasn't that clear to me," Alice seethed. "I thought that you liked me, and then I overhear Evans and McKinnon talking about how you've been sleeping with Mary! Do you know how much that hurts? Almost as much as this will"—

"Alice!" Frank cried in terror, running over in front of Sirius. "You can't use the Cruciatus! He may deserve it"—

"Hey!" Sirius protested indignantly.

"—but you could go to Azkaban! He's not worth it! He's just a stupid wanker!"

Alice raised an eyebrow. "I wasn't going to use the Cruciatus curse. I was just going to jab him in the eye with my wand."

"Oh."

Sirius flinched. "Listen to him, Alice! Look, I really am just a wanker. Not really dating material. Didn't really ever want to date you—or anyone else," Sirius hastily amended himself at a sharp look from Alice. "Frank's been the one who's been crazy about since forever. Won't shut up about it, really. Almost to the point where I can't sleep. Rather sad. But cute I suppose. So yeah…don't waste your time torturing me. Why do that when you could find a nice dark corner with Longbottom?"

Alice bit her lip, and looked up at Frank. "You talk about me that much?"

Frank blushed.

"He really likes you, you know!" Sirius called helpfully.

Her brow furrowed. "The dead house elf jokes"—

"I like Dumbledore jokes much better, I promise," Frank said softly.

Alice smiled. "Dumbledore could tell a dead house elf joke and make me laugh."

"I wouldn't want to."

The corners of Alice's mouth tugged upwards.

"Awww… how cute…" Sirius sighed spectacularly. "You should definitely go find a dark corner to snog in and leave me alone. Definitely. Heh-heh…"

Alice, after a condescending look at Sirius, pecked Frank on the cheek. "I wouldn't mind listening to his advice, personally," she whispered, with a smile at Frank.

Frank beamed at her. "Sure. But only part of his advice."

Letting go of Alice's hand, he ambled over to Sirius, bent over, and said, "Now it's my turn."

And he punched Sirius in the nose.

"Let's go," Frank said to a smirking Alice.

Sirius, a fat, manly tear rolling down his cheek, in mourning for his beauty, lay there, watching Frank and Alice's figures getting smaller, his arm around her waist, her head on his shoulder.

"Okay…maybe I deserved that," Sirius admitted. "But you're not, you're not just going to leave me here? Really? Don't leave me here all alone to die!"

"Good riddance," muttered Alice.

Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4

Peter stalked into Professor Slughorn's room, slightly recoiling at the sight of some many cheerful copies of him covering the wall as some sort of improvised wallpaper.

"You," he said, pointing at a small, tittering second year. "Get all your fan club friends, and tell them Peter Pettigrew is waiting in the dungeons to speak to them."

The second year, so excited at the prospect of her idol speaking to her, tripped over herself several times before reaching the door. But she finally made it there, and with one last longing look at Peter before she dashed away.

"Same with you," Peter said to the fifth year who had been sitting next to her. "And you, and all of you. Go!"

Now Peter could do nothing but wait.

Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4

"So, you're going to be fine by yourself for a while?" Marlene asked concernedly. "I'm going to…er, get a book recommended. Yeah. So, be back in a bit."

Lily grunted into her arms, rolling her eyes as she listened to Marlene "furtively" whisper, "James, coast is clear! She's all yours."

And not a minute later, someone was sitting down next to her. Figures. Marlene was always a sadist.

"I suppose there's no chance of running away now, is there?" Lily sighed, propping herself up on her elbows.

James shook his head. "I've got you where I want you, and that's where you're going to stay."

Lily raised an eyebrow. "That wasn't creepy or anything."

James blushed in return. "Er…it slipped out?"

Lily chuckled. "Yeah, and I don't regret snogging Black."

The pair winced in unison.

"Apparently I need tact as well as common sense," Lily muttered. "I am just an awful person today. Someone Avada Kedavra me."

James' eyes shot up to catch hers. "No, Lily. I don't think that. Obviously you're not perfect"—

"Thanks."

"You know what I mean. But, your faults are what make you you, and I don't think I'd want to date a perfect Lily."

"You want to date me?" Lily perked up.

James snorted. "One would think you'd know that after the three years I've been asking you out for."

Lily blushed. "Alright then. No tact, no common sense, and no brains."

"You can't have everything," James shrugged.

"And what exactly do I have?"

"Almost everything else."

And really, what could a girl do but swoon? Who was this guy? Lord Byron or something? Talking this smooth should be illegal. It causes girls everywhere to fall and hurt themselves.

"Interesting philosophy," James chuckled. (Crap. Was Lily thinking aloud? Or did James get the ability to read minds?) "But I promise that I won't let you get hurt with me."

"Potter," Lily replied, "I'm sorry that I lack tact and common sense and brains. Because if I didn't, I would have asked you out much sooner."

James grinned.

"I'll take that as a yes," Lily giggled, leaning in to kiss him.

But James leant back.

"What, I'm good enough to date, but not to kiss?" a bewildered Lily asked.

"No," James answered quickly, flushing embarrassedly. "I want to kiss you! It's just…er, well, I don't want to kiss you before using a lot of mouthwash."

"What you want to be minty fresh just for me?" Lily smiled. "That's so sweet. But really, it's fine, James."

But James pushed her away again, running a nervous hand through his hair.

"I, er, well, I may or may not have kissed Snape half an hour ago."

Lily blanched. "So, you like men now? And…Snape? Of all the guys in our school?"

"No! It was for a bet…" James reddened even more, as he explained the terms of the bet. "…so I really don't want to subject you to kissing a mouth that's probably crawling in Snape slime."

Lily smirked. "It's fine, James. Mine's covered in Sirius."

"…so if we kissed, it'd be like Snape and Sirius snogging?"

"Yeah."

"Sounds fun."

Somewhere, far away, in a collapsed heap upon the floor (with an almost certainly broken nose), Sirius felt a tinge of grease in his mouth.

Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4 Phase 4

"Peter!"

"Oh, Peter!"

"I told you, he's here to declare his love to me."

"He's going to propose to me!"

"Hello, I'm Peter"—

"Maybe we'll just have a big orgy…sigh…"

"Ohhhh…that sounds good."

"—Pettigrew. I…"

"I hear he can give you an orgasm by just looking at you."

"Are you listening?"

"Damn it. I call first dibs."

"Do you think he'll look at me? I want an orgasm."

"Would you mind listening?"

"Sirius just cums and leaves, never gives you want you want, you know?"

"Excuse me."

"He's MINE! Property of RITA SKEETER!"

"…and when he flexes his tattoo, the lion roars!"

"Excuse me."

"I hear he has two"—

"EXCUSE ME!" shouted a voice above all the others—literally, as there was Peter, standing on a chair, and looking quite self-righteous. The girls he looked at, however, did not get orgasms.

But at least everyone was paying attention to him.

"I would like to thank all of you for coming. I called you here"—

"To shag as all in never ending succession!"

"Er…no," Peter said, to the disappointment of many, looking rather disturbed. "I was going to say to tell you about myself."

"Eurgh. He's not going to start talking about feelings, is he?"

There was a discontented murmur, until Peter whistled rather loudly.

"Alright, just pay attention to me, will you? It won't take long, and then you can return to obsessing over James or Sirius—no, shut up. I know, I know, you think I'm cooler than them. Well, I'm not. I'm not some sex basilisk like you think I am, who can give you orgasms with a look. I'm not even that sexy. Honestly, I have no clue why you obsess over me. You guys were just sort of tired of James and Sirius and Remus, so as soon as I come in, carrying a few bags, you start thinking of me as someone I'm not.

"I'll admit, a week ago, this was all I wanted. To be like everyone else, with a fan club. But I've realized, maybe this really isn't what I want. Remus doesn't have a big enough club to pay attention to, besides the fact that he only really pays attention to Jane Eyre; James is so in love with Lily he doesn't think of you; and Sirius just shags you and runs. None of them really thinks of you guys, or your feelings. And every time I look at you now, I feel like you don't know me.

"I know, now I'm 'sexy' and can flip my hair, and apparently can snog well. But, I just got a friend to make me into the whole heartthrob package. In reality, I'm a normal guy—probably even geekier than a normal guy. Come on, I'm the president of the Gobstones club. I'd never snogged anyone until Rita Skeeter attacked me earlier today. And my hair's not actually this soft. I'm not the type of guy who girls obsess over.

"I'm not saying, however, that you should get rid of the Peter Pettigrew Fan Club. And I'm not saying you should keep it, either. Do want you want with it, but please don't make me into someone I'm not. I'm just a normal guy who's incontrovertibly in love with Mary MacDonald."