AWIE. MICHELLE. :3
Chapter 15
Lust & Lies
I've given up my soul
My mind
And now…even my body
January, 4th, 2010
You lied to me
But I'm older now
In two days, one can run away.
One can give up their body.
I just don't know what else to do. I've been rejected by two many jobs already and I had no money…and nobody takes any respect for me. So I've do what I thought I needed to do…I've given up the one thing that is mine.
My body.
It's grotesque.
To have my drop my baby into one of those daycares and then go to "work" to take off my clothes and show off my body. It's easy. I have so much shame in doing this…I have no respect for my body and I know that people won't respect me either. I wouldn't have cared about going on day after day without food.
I used to be anorexic.
Not eating for two days seemed to be very normal in my thoughts. Because I had been used to it before, forcing myself to restrict from foods that used to give me comfort but still are, my greatest enemies. I don't believe that people just stare at my weight…they now stare at the eyes that have been scarred so badly. That's why so many atrocious people look beautiful when they smile…because they have confidence; they have happy memories in their eyes…
It's after my shift that gets me uneasy, walking out, knowing that at any time, I might bump into someone that recognizes me.
And this time, I do.
I bump into the body of Randy.
I haven't run far enough. I know that. I couldn't have. Not with a baby in my possession and he looks at me, looks at the clothing I'm wearing, the exposé of Ted DiBiase. Randy's hands hold onto my shoulders and worry bathes across his eyes. "Teddy?" his voice rasps out my name. "Are you…a stripper?"
I nod my head, tears gathering into my eyes…it's so automatic now, that whenever something upsets me, the tears just start gathering into my eyes. I feel so weak. But Randy doesn't seem to care as he wraps his arms around me and kisses my cheek. "God, Teddy…why? Why'd you run off like that?"
"'Cause I don't want this anymore, Randy. I don't want the pain. I can run away from-from seeing you get hurt every time I do something bad to myself…" Randy's arms are so tight around me. I rest my head on his shoulder and I feel so secure into his arms. The sadness is wrapping around warmth in me…the warmth of having him hold me, as if he owns me and he does.
I'm his possession. I'm his obsession.
And I love him.
The happiness floods over me. I love him. I love him so very much. I kiss his collarbone and press my head against his chest. "It's gonna be okay, Teddy. We can go home and fix this all out…"
I shake my head. "I can't, Randy. I can't go back to waking up every morning and looking at you and seeing you throw away your future for someone like me, someone that hates himself so much that he's driving everyone away from him… someone that can't handle just smelling your scent and drowning in it for hours on end because he knows that he doesn't deserve it. Not after all I put you through. Never."
Randy's hand grabs onto his wrist. "I can't live knowing that you may be hurt…and look at you; you're a fucking stripper…Ted…"
I look down. "You'll find better than me, I know so, Randy…there's always me, there's always better…and you'll find someone that doesn't want to throw their life away every second of their moment, that just thinks about dying…rotting in his sweet, slow suicide…I don't want you to see me like this. I don't want you to see me die on the inside…because I'm a rotted flower. I'm done for. This beginning of the end…the end of me. The end of us. I love you, Randall Keith Orton…this is why I have to leave you. Because I need to think of your best interest."
"You're all I ever want." I feel his hand on my cheek as he kisses me softly. "You'll all I'll ever need. Just come home…"
"No." Tears gather into my eyes again.
"I love you." Randy's voice is soft. "I miss waking up with you next to me. It feels empty without you. The bed…my life…my heart…I need you right there beside me, right here in my arms…"
He wraps his arms around my waist, inhaling the scent of me and I inhale the scent of him.
We're in love.
…and yet, he knows he's not gonna get me any time soon. I'm stubborn and so is he. But I don't know.
I don't know whose gonna win in this game.
"Just give me a day and I'll think about it." I whisper. It's a lie. I know what I'm going to do. I'm gonna leave…
"I'll spend that day with you then."
I couldn't just scream at him…I just stare into his eyes…the eyes that drown me, the touch of him electrocutes me into a love daze and I nod my head. I want him around me. I really do.
I go to the daycare to take Britt and I give her to Randy. "This is our baby, Ran."
He stares. He stares for so long at that face as he looks at me. "As beautiful as you are." And for the first time, I feel like that cloud has taken me again, dazed me into its beautiful spell but there's something in Randy's eyes, something that made me cry… he takes me back to a hotel room, one that I've never been too and he paid for someone to deliver a crib, which has been delivered in minutes. He lies the sleeping child down and sits beside me, and in seconds, our lips connect.
His hands on my pants.
This is our dance…
In moments, I'm pressing against him, naked, panting against him, more alive than I've ever been as the moonlight touches our flesh and the soft lullaby of silence hangs by the air…for once, I'm not lying to myself when I say that I'm genuinely happy.
But there's just something…
A feel of dread puncturing at the bit of my stomach.
I ignore it.
And regret it so.
Not too long until the ending now. :O
X Sam.
